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Old 02-15-2014, 03:53 PM
 
3,945 posts, read 3,168,500 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama7 View Post
Hello,
I'm new to this board and need advice.

My husband and I had our 2nd baby 3 weeks ago. He is the cutest! Anyway, my parents live an hour drive from us. My husband's parents are a 4 hr plane ride away. For our first baby, my mother drove to stay with us 3 nights every week for the first month after baby came. She would help with the baby, cook a couple meals, and so on.

Well, a few days after our 2nd was born, my mother found out her dog is sick and could have cancer. She panicked and canceled on us very last minute. The dog needs medicine and has to be taken care of. She did not seem sympathetic at all and will not allow anyone else to take care of the dog for a couple days. Not the veterinarian, hospital, my father, family, etc. She's been saying maybe next week will be better, but then cancels again. She emails me how awful the dog is doing, how she cries and cries.

My husband and I are stressed because we are doing this all on our own and we're so tired. Plus, I'm still recovering. We feel she chose her dog over her family in need. I don't know what to think. I told her how sorry are but is there anyone to take care of the dog part time, 2 or 3 days per week? She refuses to let anyone help and has come up with every excuse possible. She wants to do it.

Do people love their pets over family? Any grandparents out there that can give advice?
Oh wah....you poor thing....

I know single moms doing it all on their own, how would you like that?

Between the 2 of you, you can't take care of a new baby and your kid?

She's not coming up with excuses, its her friggin life!! She's loosing her companion. I see how sympathetic you are to her situation. Talk about entitlement.

Last edited by Jaded; 02-16-2014 at 12:35 AM.. Reason: Removed flaming remarks
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:02 PM
 
Location: here
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Your mom helped a lot the first time around. She set the bar high. She isn't obligated to be there to help you. A lot of new parents get no help and everyone turns out just fine. She isn't choosing the dog over the baby. The dog is her responsibility. The baby is yours.

If it makes you feel any better, my in laws skipped visiting us this summer because their dog was dying. They didn't want to leave.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:03 PM
 
3,279 posts, read 4,036,444 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Oh wah....you poor thing....

I know single moms doing it all on their own, how would you like that?

Between the 2 of you, you can't take care of a new baby and your kid?

She's not coming up with excuses, its her friggin life!! She's loosing her companion. I see how sympathetic you are to her situation. Talk about entitlement.
The attitude you express is horrible. All of this nonsense about how great single mothers are, please, give me a break, I don't believe any of that crud about what heroes they are and how they do everything all alone with no help ever ever ever. Bull. What else do they do, balance dishes on their nose? This whole "they do it all alone with no help ever ever" is a sham scam you're selling and I'm not buying it.

They may not get as MUCH HELP as others, but I guarantee you that they are getting SOME help. If they truly are doing the great majority of their parenting all alone, it doesn't speak of how great they are, it speaks of how horrible the community is for not helping. Shame on all of you.

No one does it all alone, and that one would ask for help is not a sign of weakness or entitlement. Shame on ANY and ALL of you for being so holier-than-thou about how what awful parents they are for--oh my goodness--actually needing help. Oh the horror! People who do all of this "wah wah" pile of dung ought to be ashamed of themselves. If you claim you are doing it all alone, you are flat-out lying through your teeth. At least the original poster has the humility to ask for help and to admit their weakness.

As for a dog, I sure would be flat-out shocked at someone who's supposed to be major part of my life picking a stinking DOG over me, even if it's dying, it's still just a dog. What next, is she going to erase her home movies of her children's birth and replace them with videos of Morris the Cat? It's her life, she can do it, but her grown children certainly have the right to state what they think of that. And when you make plans and break them last minute over a dog, gee whiz, I would find that hurtful myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Your mom helped a lot the first time around. She set the bar high. She isn't obligated to be there to help you. A lot of new parents get no help and everyone turns out just fine. She isn't choosing the dog over the baby. The dog is her responsibility. The baby is yours.

If it makes you feel any better, my in laws skipped visiting us this summer because their dog was dying. They didn't want to leave.
You actually make a good point. The mother "set the bar." If you read my earlier post about how some parents as grandparents are heavily involved but others are more of the "my job is done, I'm enjoying my golden years doing my OWN thing" disposition, and there's nothing wrong with either one, then you get what I'm saying. The problem is once you "establish" yourself as whatever particular type, that's what people come to expect. Had the mother established herself as the second type, then this would be a non-issue. However, she had established herself as the first type, and then also made promises about a trip and in doing so further established herself as that type, only to bail out at the last minute over a dog. That sort of flip-flop will definitely send out a jolt.

If I draw one conclusion from the first post, it's that this whole pet worship thing is perhaps even more of an epidemic than I had always thought. Having a pet and loving it is fine, but equating a pet as being on the same level of significance as your significant human relationships is very polluted thinking that we in this country collectively really need to establish as the wrong thinking that it truly is. It also shows just how anti-community we are becoming. We've taken it upon ourselves to almost applaud not helping other people and throwing stones at people about how "it's your child, suck it up and shut up." That attitude is wrong, and I will be restless in opposing it in the arena of ideas. Compassion is not the enemy of responsibility.

Last edited by shyguylh; 02-16-2014 at 08:14 PM..
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:24 PM
 
Location: here
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I totally see why the OP is disappointed. She came to expect a certain amount of help and found out at the last minute that she isn't getting it. I think postpartum hormones are probably also involved in her reaction. I don't see that the grandma is equating the relationship with her dog with her grandchild or daughter. The dog is dying. I can see why someone wouldn't want to leave a dying pet to be cared for by someone else, or for the pet to die with a stranger.

If it were me, I'd probably have the sick dog put down, then go see my new grand child.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:42 PM
 
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Just because grandma "set the bar", that doesn't obligate her to live up to it whenever daughter calls. BS. Daughter just needs to suck it up and work it out like billions of others have done.

It may be "just a dog", but it's her mother's dog. Baby isn't dieing or sick. Obviously, mom has compassion while daughter is miffed at the inconvenience. Daughter needs to get the hell over herself.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:49 PM
 
3,279 posts, read 4,036,444 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I totally see why the OP is disappointed. She came to expect a certain amount of help and found out at the last minute that she isn't getting it. I think postpartum hormones are probably also involved in her reaction. I don't see that the grandma is equating the relationship with her dog with her grandchild or daughter. The dog is dying. I can see why someone wouldn't want to leave a dying pet to be cared for by someone else, or for the pet to die with a stranger.

If it were me, I'd probably have the sick dog put down, then go see my new grand child.
Exactly, especially the first, second and last sentences. Compared to the other reactions, this is refreshing. There is hope. Regardless, we sure need a lot more people with that sort of reasonable perspective.
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Old 02-17-2014, 06:32 AM
 
1,193 posts, read 1,526,514 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh View Post
Exactly, especially the first, second and last sentences. Compared to the other reactions, this is refreshing. There is hope. Regardless, we sure need a lot more people with that sort of reasonable perspective.
I disagree. I think some people have become too entitled and expect too much rather than looking at help as an unexpected gift. This person's mother was very generous in how often she came out the first time around. The OP was a new mother and probably in over her head. Now she's had one child already, and has her husband there as support. While certainly it's always a challenge in those early weeks/months we are talking about a dying pet versus a daughter who wants help with her laundry. It's a real shame that the daughter could not be grateful for the help she was given and then be sympathetic towards her mother's situation, but she seems unable to see beyond herself. Of course, as others have pointed out, that may simply be the hormones talking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Just because grandma "set the bar", that doesn't obligate her to live up to it whenever daughter calls. BS. Daughter just needs to suck it up and work it out like billions of others have done. It may be "just a dog", but it's her mother's dog. Baby isn't dieing or sick. Obviously, mom has compassion while daughter is miffed at the inconvenience. Daughter needs to get the hell over herself.
I agree. Grandma was very kind to go over so much last time and did the same for two weeks this time. If we were talking a very sick baby versus a very sick dog, of course the baby should win out. But we are talking mom wants help with the laundry versus a dying dog. One is obviously less important than the other and DAD can certainly stay up late and get the laundry done during this time as well. Or grandpa could come over and do the same thing. Or the OP's in-laws. Or they could hire a mother's helper for a few weeks.
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Old 02-17-2014, 08:52 AM
 
37 posts, read 43,436 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh View Post
Compassion is not the enemy of responsibility.
This can go both ways. The mother is responsible for her own dying pet. The OP is responsible for her own children, NOT her mother. Just because Mother has "established" herself as helpful in the past does not mean she has established herself to drop and give daughter twenty when she says hit the dirt. And speaking of compassion, I read none of that in the OP's lament about whenever she calls her mother, then Mother just "cries and cries and cries" because her dog is dying of cancer. OP is the one who is lacking in compassion, IMHO, and shows the typical brand of entitlement so prevalent today. "Forget your grief. What about my CONVENIENCE?!"

The shame is on someone who cannot see anything past the end of her own nose, especially when she herself has described how distraught her own mother is. I am hoping it IS her hormones and this is not how she typically treats her mom. And if it is typical, shame on OP for being so uncaring of her mother's grief. Makes me wonder how she treats her in other areas as well.

I have never heard of this new "establishment" excuse. You're saying her mother established herself when she helped raise her first child so she should continue to do so as long as OP continues to breed. I'm sorry, but where exactly does Mother's life fit into all this? Oh, that's right. She's not allowed to have one because she has "established" herself to be handy and on call. FOREVER.
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Old 02-17-2014, 09:28 AM
 
3,279 posts, read 4,036,444 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrysalnix View Post
This can go both ways. The mother is responsible for her own dying pet. The OP is responsible for her own children, NOT her mother. Just because Mother has "established" herself as helpful in the past does not mean she has established herself to drop and give daughter twenty when she says hit the dirt. And speaking of compassion, I read none of that in the OP's lament about whenever she calls her mother, then Mother just "cries and cries and cries" because her dog is dying of cancer. OP is the one who is lacking in compassion, IMHO, and shows the typical brand of entitlement so prevalent today. "Forget your grief. What about my CONVENIENCE?!"
It's not about dropping everything and being at someone's beck & call, it's about a last minute change of plans over a DOG. As for empathy--I'm sorry, but a dog dying doesn't deserve that much empathy. It's a DOG for crying out loud. Someone who loves their dog (or cat) that much is just plain crazy if you ask me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrysalnix View Post
I have never heard of this new "establishment" excuse. You're saying her mother established herself when she helped raise her first child so she should continue to do so as long as OP continues to breed. I'm sorry, but where exactly does Mother's life fit into all this? Oh, that's right. She's not allowed to have one because she has "established" herself to be handy and on call. FOREVER.
Again, no with regards to being at someone's beck & call, that is not what I was stating. Also, the "establishment" aspect was explained earlier, feel free to go back to that post and read it if you need an explanation.
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Old 02-17-2014, 09:41 AM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,919,895 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh View Post
It's not about dropping everything and being at someone's beck & call, it's about a last minute change of plans over a DOG. As for empathy--I'm sorry, but a dog dying doesn't deserve that much empathy. It's a DOG for crying out loud. Someone who loves their dog (or cat) that much is just plain crazy if you ask me.



Again, no with regards to being at someone's beck & call, that is not what I was stating. Also, the "establishment" aspect was explained earlier, feel free to go back to that post and read it if you need an explanation.
If someone is not willing to take care of their own dying pet, then they shouldn't have a pet. I'm not sure I understand your train of thought. You seemed to agree with me up thread. Now you've changed your tune.
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