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Old 02-19-2014, 07:27 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
29,691 posts, read 16,462,697 times
Reputation: 22305

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Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh View Post
The attitude you express is horrible. All of this nonsense about how great single mothers are, please, give me a break, I don't believe any of that crud about what heroes they are and how they do everything all alone with no help ever ever ever. Bull. What else do they do, balance dishes on their nose? This whole "they do it all alone with no help ever ever" is a sham scam you're selling and I'm not buying it.

They may not get as MUCH HELP as others, but I guarantee you that they are getting SOME help. If they truly are doing the great majority of their parenting all alone, it doesn't speak of how great they are, it speaks of how horrible the community is for not helping. Shame on all of you.

No one does it all alone, and that one would ask for help is not a sign of weakness or entitlement. Shame on ANY and ALL of you for being so holier-than-thou about how what awful parents they are for--oh my goodness--actually needing help. Oh the horror! People who do all of this "wah wah" pile of dung ought to be ashamed of themselves. If you claim you are doing it all alone, you are flat-out lying through your teeth. At least the original poster has the humility to ask for help and to admit their weakness.

As for a dog, I sure would be flat-out shocked at someone who's supposed to be major part of my life picking a stinking DOG over me, even if it's dying, it's still just a dog. What next, is she going to erase her home movies of her children's birth and replace them with videos of Morris the Cat? It's her life, she can do it, but her grown children certainly have the right to state what they think of that. And when you make plans and break them last minute over a dog, gee whiz, I would find that hurtful myself.



You actually make a good point. The mother "set the bar." If you read my earlier post about how some parents as grandparents are heavily involved but others are more of the "my job is done, I'm enjoying my golden years doing my OWN thing" disposition, and there's nothing wrong with either one, then you get what I'm saying. The problem is once you "establish" yourself as whatever particular type, that's what people come to expect. Had the mother established herself as the second type, then this would be a non-issue. However, she had established herself as the first type, and then also made promises about a trip and in doing so further established herself as that type, only to bail out at the last minute over a dog. That sort of flip-flop will definitely send out a jolt.

If I draw one conclusion from the first post, it's that this whole pet worship thing is perhaps even more of an epidemic than I had always thought. Having a pet and loving it is fine, but equating a pet as being on the same level of significance as your significant human relationships is very polluted thinking that we in this country collectively really need to establish as the wrong thinking that it truly is. It also shows just how anti-community we are becoming. We've taken it upon ourselves to almost applaud not helping other people and throwing stones at people about how "it's your child, suck it up and shut up." That attitude is wrong, and I will be restless in opposing it in the arena of ideas. Compassion is not the enemy of responsibility.
Your entire premise of 'establishing' oneself as a good Grandmother is the silliest thing I have ever heard. So if Grandma babysits one week-end; she's obligated to do it every weekend?

You sound like someone with NO responsibilities - either a child OR a dog.

Really, being a good Grandmother and loving one's dog is really not an either/or situation. Most humans can do both. Most daughters could have a little empathy for their own Mother - especially a mother who has been there for her in the past and likely will be needed again in the future.

It has nothing to do with pet worship. Hyperbole much?

Last edited by Jaded; 02-21-2014 at 10:44 AM.. Reason: Removed deleted post
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Old 02-20-2014, 12:26 AM
 
Location: US
77 posts, read 84,339 times
Reputation: 261
I think the reason "shyguy" has so much time and energy to devote to pointless, windy arguing is *because* he has no kids or pets... and I think by now the reason why is fairly obvious.

Yeah, I know, I tried to divorce myself from trying to reason with an insane person earlier... but mouthy arrogance is a Button for me.
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Old 02-20-2014, 08:15 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,888,376 times
Reputation: 10904
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandbow View Post
I think the reason "shyguy" has so much time and energy to devote to pointless, windy arguing is *because* he has no kids or pets... and I think by now the reason why is fairly obvious.

Yeah, I know, I tried to divorce myself from trying to reason with an insane person earlier... but mouthy arrogance is a Button for me.
You and I must have been separated at birth.
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Old 02-22-2014, 02:46 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama7 View Post
Thank you, I guess. This is our 2nd baby, yes. However, I do not consider myself a pro. Having family help 2-3 weeks postpartum isn't unheard of. My husband works 12-13 hr days and we have no one closeby.
Fly his parents out...Maybe it is their turn.
Sorry...I'm not all that sympathetic....If there were health issues for yourself...C-section? You mentioned your husbands hours....you are not working??
If you really want help, check on getting some paid day help for a few weeks. Can Mom watch the other child for a few hours a day at her home....so you can nap when the baby naps?
Otherwise, you are the Mother...time to step up. You post the baby is 3 weeks already...So, what exactly is Mom supposed to be doing for you that you can't do for yourself at this point?? Maybe she felt you were overworking her??
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Old 02-22-2014, 02:54 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama7 View Post
Thank you, I guess. This is our 2nd baby, yes. However, I do not consider myself a pro. Having family help 2-3 weeks postpartum isn't unheard of. My husband works 12-13 hr days and we have no one closeby.
You are past that time frame....How long did Mom actually come help??
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:14 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,004,073 times
Reputation: 22370
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
So, let me get this straight.

You feel that (grand)mother's emotional distress is completely irrelevant, because she should be doing laundry instead. Right? That instead of hiring a maid, hiring a teen mother's helper, hiring a doula, dad doing chores after work, other parents flying out, dad coming in to help - grandmother should just suck up her emotional distress and get over it. Right?

Okay. Because she is the ONLY PERSON on this planet who can help?
Pretty much what I was thinking . . .

Most of us did not have "help" from inlaws and parents when we had our kids. We hired help, traded duties with other friends and moms if we needed a night's sleep, help with groceries, etc. Not all parents are even ABLE to be that helpful.

My dog is my baby, even after raising children. She nearly died and had to have emergency surgery before Christmas. I was up 24/7 for several days. My sons and their families were pitching in try to help us with our beloved furkid! She had to be hand fed. She couldn't stand or even sit.

Christmas for me this year was all about my beloved pet. And our family knew that. If there had been a new baby, someone else would have had to step in b/c I was tied up trying to keep my companion, who happens to be a dog, alive.

SO I guess one of my daughters-in-law could say I was a horrible mother and grandmother for putting my dog ahead of Christmas.
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:22 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by luzianne View Post
So because the grandmother "committed" to being a hands-on grandmother, she doesn't have the right to cancel last minute if her dog is dying? What?! The last I knew, children were the responsibility of the parents, not the grandparents. It's nice that she was planning to help, but now her dog is dying. She should absolutely take care of the dog. The OP isn't dying.

And frankly, if my daughter were as needy and entitled as the OP sounds, I don't know if I'd want to help her. If she can't handle having two kids (some people go right back to work after having kids; if the OP is able to be home, she's lucky), she shouldn't have had another one. Yeah, it's hectic. I remember. But when I had my second, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle without help. My husband and I both worked and we didn't have help. I sent back to work at 6 weeks for two of mine and I think the other one I went back at 4 weeks because my vacation and sick time had run out and we couldn't afford for me to be off without pay. And the third one liked to stay awake all night and sleep all day. But I managed. There are SINGLE mothers who deal with children by themselves. The OP sounds a little spoiled to me.
Plus....The Grand Mother obviously did help for up to 3 weeks...since the baby is/was 3 weeks at the time OP posted. New Mom obviously had the energy and time to be on the computer...just saying....

I think there is a lot more to this than OP is sharing. I would like to know just how much GMa did do to help....And, I'll bet it was tons more than "throwing a couple of meals together" Otherwise OP wouldn't be missing the help that much.

As for the poster who is throwing the GMa under the bus because she dared to decline to continue helping after she found out her pet was so ill....get over it.

I think some of the issues you've identified might make an interesting thread elsewhere...And, I invite you to start them. Attacking the GMa, when we only have one side here is futile...

Again...obviously she did help...she just isn't helping now.
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Old 02-23-2014, 08:39 PM
 
5 posts, read 6,494 times
Reputation: 28
OH MY GOD, you keep saying dog like he were a chair instead of a living member of the family with feelings and much love and devotion to its people. Doesn't he deserve to have his companion with him in his last days? This is a very cold attitude. I would never forgive myself if I left my dying friend unless it were a dire emergency which this isnt. Your pontificating is getting tiresome..
Besides, like someone else pointed out, it would be hard to be a cheerful helper when her heart is at home with her dear companion..
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Old 02-23-2014, 08:41 PM
 
5 posts, read 6,494 times
Reputation: 28
I'm sorry. that post was meant for shyguylh
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Old 02-24-2014, 04:42 AM
 
16,567 posts, read 14,005,185 times
Reputation: 20518
Did you know that lack of empathy for animals is linked to lower intelligence.
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