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Old 04-15-2014, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,804,165 times
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I can understand your stress. i bet your mom discussed this with a friend or two and they told her she was crazy to only get $300 and she should charge more. But it does seem kinda strange she would change her price.

However I have to say there is definitely a premium she is willing to come to you.l That means so much. you can let the baby sleep, not have to pack a bag every morning and get him dressed to go out. strap him in the car, drive to daycare, get him out of the car, sign in to daycare, give them any special instructions, get back in the car and drive to work wondering how he will be. Then reverse all of this in the evening whne you pick him up. I mean that is a lot of convenience to consider.

Also please don't ever even think in terms of "She doesn't need the money like we do". That is not actually true no matter how much she has. As we age we start to worry about how we can manage and live in our home during old age. We worry about increasing medical costs, costs of assisted living ( at least $5,000 per month now), how long our assets will last, not wanting to burden our children as we age, etc.

If she is in good health you have noting to worry about. Heck I was full blown diabetic at age 55 and DH was 63 when we adopted two infants only 4 months apart in age. Somehow we've made it here to the girls being 12 years old!
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Old 04-15-2014, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,062 posts, read 17,382,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post

So then I asked my mom how much she wanted, now she says $500/month. That's a far cry from the $200 she wanted earlier.

I'm like um okay... we'll see. I mean obviously the convenience of her coming to our home is a plus. Obviously I want to be fair all the way around but it is a little frustrating for her to go from $200, to me offering $300, to now it being $500. Even though originally (before we were pregnant) she said she just wanted a grandchild and told me "don't worry about daycare I want to take care of the baby, don't worry about money, just have a baby..." There goes that!
...

Now I'm scared tomorrow she's going to say $600.


My MIL has also said she'd take care of the baby as well (like 1-2 days a week) and I'm like at this rate I can't afford them. Though I don't think my MIL wants money.
...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
First of all, you get what you pay for with daycare. A place only charging $140/wk for full time infant care sounds to me as though it will be short staffed, at the least.

I would find out if my MIL wanted to fill in a day on a regular basis. Then ask your mother if she will sit the other days for the previously agreed upon $300. It would be good to have a backup in case your mother couldn't sit for some reason anyway.

What I wouldn't do is pull the "we need the money more than she does" card. That makes you sound entitled. Surely you didn't think you could become parents without budgeting for care.
I wonder what happened to your Mom between, "Just have a baby and I'll babysit for you (presumable for free), to $200 a month, to $500 a month"? Perhaps, she thought about how expensive car repairs and gasoline really are, perhaps she discovered some upcoming unexpected expenses, perhaps she talked with other grandparents who babysat their grandchildren and realized that they all were paid, or something else, you will have to ask her.

When you get older unexpected expenses have a way of sneaking up on you. As an example, although I knew that my hubby had lost a couple of teeth due to a medical issue and was having a little difficulty eating I wasn't super concerned. We went to a specialist yesterday and we discovered that the total cost of "fixing his teeth so that he can eat" will be an additional $10,000 over the $3,000 that we are still trying to pay off. I'm bringing this up because, even though, you think that your Mom "doesn't need the money" things may have changed in her life and she may now need extra money or wants to be prepared.

Beera, I wish you the best of luck. I agree with Mattie that asking Mom & MIL to both do it part time may be the answer. Your baby will get to bond with both grandmothers and if one can not do it for a certain day due to sickness or an appointment you have a built in back-up.
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Old 04-15-2014, 10:06 AM
 
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Maybe, though she often tells me how she thinks her friends are crazy to not ask their kids for money to take care of the grandchildren. *shrug* I tell her how nice it that they don't expect the money lol

I will bring up to them that maybe part time at each house would be best, and see about biting the bullet and doing the extra commute. Maybe if I get the baby together in the morning and drop him off at either house, then hubby can pick them up in the afternoons. My sister suggested one grandparent do 3 days, the other do 2, and then if we do the driving hopefully neither of them will want the money (though I doubt it on my mom's side) and neither will feel overwhelmed, and yes they can be backups for each other. I don't think my MIL would be up to picking up the baby anyways, so say if my mom wanted to still pick up the baby on her days, I could still pay her for that.

Since hubby and I have changed withholdings and what not, we'll see how it goes, maybe the arrangement will work out and money won't be an issue. *crosses fingers*
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Old 04-15-2014, 11:49 AM
 
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Been thinking about it today, and maybe to spare everyone, if the grandparents agree to doing this just for a few months then when the baby is 6 months old or so, we can put him in a daycare part time. Then have him have 1 day a week with a grandparent so that the baby still gets to be with family. That might be a good solution for everyone.

I'll talk to hubby about it when we get home.
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Old 04-15-2014, 11:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
Now I can find cheaper daycare for about $600/month in the area, which isn't too bad, so I was thinking I'd pay her $300/month? She told me just pay her enough to cover her health insurance, which is under $200/month, but I figure add in another $100 for gas.

Is this fair?
How is paying half the cheapest childcare in the area fair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
Yes I budgeted, but it's one thing to say "don't worry about the expense of daycare I WANT to take care of the baby," then to go from $200, to $300, to $500. I feel like she wants to profit vs. help.

I think I'm just stressing because I don't know how our financial situation will be in 5-6 months. I just worry we won't have enough to take care of a baby when on average it costs what- $8-10k/yr? I'm doing all I can to minimize costs, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, accepting secondhand furniture from friends, buying maternity stuff at second-hand stores, etc. It's not like hubby and I are living it up here. But since I'm 31 and he's 38 we didn't want to put it off any longer.

She's texting me now telling me don't stress about the childcare costs and we'll talk about it later. How do you not stress when things change so drastically?
$500 is still cheaper than the $600. And you won't have to drop off/pick up your child at daycare, which saves you gas money and time. Don't be cheap with your mother. It will cost you more than $500 to have your child in daycare.
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Old 04-15-2014, 11:59 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,359,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
Been thinking about it today, and maybe to spare everyone, if the grandparents agree to doing this just for a few months then when the baby is 6 months old or so, we can put him in a daycare part time. Then have him have 1 day a week with a grandparent so that the baby still gets to be with family. That might be a good solution for everyone.

I'll talk to hubby about it when we get home.
Since you're worried about money, why would you do this? Daycare is going to be more expensive even part time unless you're expecting grandparents to do it for free.
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Since you're worried about money, why would you do this? Daycare is going to be more expensive even part time unless you're expecting grandparents to do it for free.
Your right, I just figured when she said she wants to "help" that she meant a little more than this. I guess we have very different definitions of what "help" is.
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:59 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,359,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
Your right, I just figured when she said she wants to "help" that she meant a little more than this. I guess we have very different definitions of what "help" is.
So you'd rather shoot yourself in the foot and accept no help instead?

Another thing to consider is sick days. Daycare centers don't allow sick children. Their definition of sick is different than yours. You will need sick care any time your child has a runny nose. By having your mother watch your child at your home, you won't have to miss work when your child is sick.

It's unfair of you to be upset with your mother. You brought this child into the world, and it's your responsibility to support it financially. Be grateful for any help your mother provides.

My children's grandparents were all dead before/shortly after my first child was born. It always annoyed me when I would hear friends complain about their mothers regarding babysitting issues because I felt they didn't appreciate how fortunate they were to still have a mother.

By paying your mother a fair wage, you are less likely to take advantage of her, and she is less likely to become unreliable due to viewing it as a favor.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:54 PM
 
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Hopes is right. I say this as a mother who insisted on paying my own mother when I needed to pull my infant out of an unsatisfactory daycare situation and she offered to step in until I could make other arrangements. Of course, my parents were always thrilled to babysit for evenings out, or trips away with my husband, because I was careful not to abuse that privilege. They raised their children, it was my responsibility to raise my own.
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Old 04-16-2014, 10:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
So you'd rather shoot yourself in the foot and accept no help instead?

Another thing to consider is sick days. Daycare centers don't allow sick children. Their definition of sick is different than yours. You will need sick care any time your child has a runny nose. By having your mother watch your child at your home, you won't have to miss work when your child is sick.

It's unfair of you to be upset with your mother. You brought this child into the world, and it's your responsibility to support it financially. Be grateful for any help your mother provides.

My children's grandparents were all dead before/shortly after my first child was born. It always annoyed me when I would hear friends complain about their mothers regarding babysitting issues because I felt they didn't appreciate how fortunate they were to still have a mother.

By paying your mother a fair wage, you are less likely to take advantage of her, and she is less likely to become unreliable due to viewing it as a favor.
No not shooting my foot, but don't expect me to be thrilled when you go from $0 to $500.

Today had dinner with my MIL and she asked us about the daycare situation, I told her my mom wants $500 a month she told me that's insanity and she'd take the baby 2 days a week and doesn't want any money. *shrug*

Hubby and I will just have to discuss this more. I have no issue paying something, but $500 is really just more than I want to pay my mother who keeps insisting she wants to help us out. If it means having to split the baby's time between different parents so that we can avoid paying altogether without burning anyone out, or pay a much lower amount, I'd rather do that.

Thanks for the input everyone.
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