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Old 04-20-2014, 02:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Why don't you just raise your own kid?
Um it's called I have to work to eat and live? I'm not about to go on Welfare to be a mom. That and I have a wonderful career I'm not going to give up. Only like 25-30% of moms are SAHM's anyways, so it's not like I'm going against the norm here by having a career and children. Putting the baby in daycare 40 hours a week when there are 168/week is hardly "not raising" my child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
This is in bold illogical since you were pricing daycare at $600/month, and you were expecting to pay $600 until your mother offered. Most people would rather their children were watched by a grandparent than a stranger.
Actually before I got pregnant my mom said don't worry at all about daycare (when I said I couldn't afford children a few years ago) and that she'd do it free. When I got pregnant it changed to now she wants money, our numbers just aren't meshing and that's what we have to work out.

Anyways I talked to my mom and told her my MIL offered to take the baby 2 days a week, and then my mom can do 3 days a week. She got all upset with me and told me something to the extent of how can I take HER child away from her, and she's been looking forward to taking care of the baby and she's so BORED and LONELY and she wants the baby 5 days a week, yada yada. I also get the feeling if my MIL wanted money my mom would be outraged that she'd ask for money.

My sister was here at the time visiting and told her "mom if Bee giving you the baby is a such a favor by having you take care of the baby, why are you trying to charge her $500 month?"

My mom got quiet after that and said we'd talk about it later...

I tried explaining to her I don't want her to feel overwhelmed and she needs a few days a week to herself and my MIL would like to be in her grandchild's life as well... My mom said that's what weekends are for... *eyeroll* but really, this is getting a bit silly. We don't see our parents that often, maybe once a month, so for her to say "that's what weekends are for" is just annoying. Like hubby and I will never have time alone with our own baby?!

When the baby is born we'll see what happens I guess. I've got 3 months maternity leave, then will be going back to work end of November. I can see how things go during my leave and try things out for a month with both parents and if it works out we can try the arrangement and if it doesn't the baby will go to a licensed daycare.
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Old 04-20-2014, 05:19 PM
 
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Oh my.... I think I foresee grandma wars... and not on the part of your MIL.
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Oh my.... I think I foresee grandma wars... and not on the part of your MIL.
I know I am scared, this is the first grandchild for ALL the grandparents.

And for my MIL, this will probably be her only grandchild (if not one or two more) because her other son got a vasectomy YEARS ago and the woman he married her kids are all grown lol. He does NOT want kids.

Not to mention my dad wants to be in the baby's life too lol. My FIL I have no clue, he's kind of a recluse and we see him maybe two times a year?

I talked to my mom a little more today during Easter, she REALLY wants to just come here and doesn't want us to drive the baby around, not even if we do it two days a week at my MIL's house.

Funny thing is my husband agrees to that, but I KNOW my MIL, she's not going to want to stay at our place.

FUN TIMES! I love that my mom is so enthusiastic about the baby but she's gonna have to learn to share lol.

I do agree with my mom for a person to come 5 days a week for $500/month is a good deal. In the back of my mind I'm just a little worried she'll try to take over and tell us what to do and force her opinions on us. But I guess her being an "employee" makes that better for us in case she does try to overstep a little.

Last edited by beera; 04-20-2014 at 09:35 PM..
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Old 04-20-2014, 10:36 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,938 posts, read 17,236,141 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post

...

Actually before I got pregnant my mom said don't worry at all about daycare (when I said I couldn't afford children a few years ago) and that she'd do it free. When I got pregnant it changed to now she wants money, our numbers just aren't meshing and that's what we have to work out.

Anyways I talked to my mom and told her my MIL offered to take the baby 2 days a week, and then my mom can do 3 days a week. She got all upset with me and told me something to the extent of how can I take HER child away from her, and she's been looking forward to taking care of the baby and she's so BORED and LONELY and she wants the baby 5 days a week, yada yada. I also get the feeling if my MIL wanted money my mom would be outraged that she'd ask for money.

My sister was here at the time visiting and told her "mom if Bee giving you the baby is a such a favor by having you take care of the baby, why are you trying to charge her $500 month?"

My mom got quiet after that and said we'd talk about it later...
...
I just wanted to comment on your mom's change from offering to babysit for free a few years ago to asking for money now.

A lot of things can change in just a couple of years. I'm a little older than your mom. Five years ago I had a well paying professional job that I needed to leave due to my severe health problems. Then my husband became permanently disabled and unable to work at all. I needed to return to work and was only able to find a job at a much, much lower salary (in part because of my health problems). Now just a few short years later we are in a position where we can barely pay our bills. Perhaps your mom had something similar happen to her, maybe a few years ago she could babysit for free and now she can't.

Most parents do not share the intimate details of their finances with their adult children. Don't be too hard on your mom because there may be expenses or bills or other problems that she is not sharing with you. Perhaps you should ask her to be honest with you about why she went from "free to $500 a month".

+++++

Now her comments about taking away HER child from her and saying that the other grandparents can see the baby on the weekends could be huge red flags about potential problems OR they could be your mom trying to tell you that she really, really needs the money from babysitting five days per week.

+++++

PS I reread some of your posts and you mentioned several times that your mom "did not need the money". Maybe that is true and maybe not. But, as I pointed out earlier in this post a lot can change in a few short years. And parents do not always feel comfortable sharing financial problems with their adult children.

Sometimes unexpected huge expenses can come up for older people. I had $7,000 worth of unexpected dental work that needed to done last summer. I finally had paid off most of it when my husband's dental problems hit a crisis point. His dental surgery & dental work will cost over $10,000 and is not covered by Medicare (thus the dental surgery is not covered by my health insurance either). Yikes!

Should I tell our adult children, who are still paying off their college loans and can barely make ends meet themselves? No, I won't because it will only upset them and worry them because they are not in a position to help us.

Beera, I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad for me but just to let you know that maybe your mother's financial situation is not as rosy as she lets you and your sister think it is.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-20-2014 at 11:11 PM.. Reason: added PS
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Old 04-21-2014, 12:46 PM
 
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Beera, while it is sweet of your mother to offer to care for your child, think long term. When do you need to join your work? 3 months after the baby is born? Maybe its perfectly fine to have the grand parents to care for children but what I noticed is, kids thrive well when they are amongst kids of their own age. Basically a day-care setup where he/she would get an opportutinty to interact/socialize with other kids of same age. So, this arrangement is more like a temporary one i am guessing. And since money is not a major criteria for your mom, looks like health insurance and gas money are enough.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:36 PM
 
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I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you would begrudge paying your mother (whom you stated has 10 years experience as a day care provider in addition to being GRANDMOTHER) less than a daycare center? Seems very short-sighted to feel put out to pay your mother as much as a day care center and be upset that she would like some compensation for her time and effort. **Newsflash - caring for an infant is hard work!!**

In addition, infants do not "socialize" with other infants. Their primary need access to a safe, consistent and immediately responsive caregiver. Much less likely in an daycare center with a ratio of adult to multiple babies vs. a loving grandmother attending to her grandchild.

You always have time once your child is a little older to explore the daycare option. Your baby is only an infant once.
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Old 04-22-2014, 01:17 PM
 
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I don't so much begrudge paying as her keeping on changing her mind about the amount.

I get it, $500/month for basically a nanny is a really good deal, but I told her at this point don't change the amount because I won't pay over $500/month. And she really doesn't need the money (trust me I know), she just dropped $8k in CASH (I have access to all her accounts because I take care of her finances for her) to get her back yard re-landscaped too.

Hubby and I changed our withholdings at work (somehow I was under single and not married) and for me alone that changed my check by over $200/month, so we will be able to afford $500/month to her, but no more. And YES, we have discussed that we will be claiming this on our taxes and so will she. We will work out the details of her being our "employee" for taxes later. My mother has a guy who does all her taxes (I think he's a book keeper or something) and he can help us set that all up. I'm also going to look into FSA to lower our tax income bracket and then pay her monthly by having her provide receipts to us. I will ask my work what kind of receipts and things are needed (like an EIN) to make sure our mother does count. I was told an FSA might be the best way to go if we'll be spending $6 grand/year on childcare rather than claiming child care credit.

Also all our CC debt will be paid off in August so that will be extra money for the baby We are following Dave Ramsey to pay off all our debts and so we are at a good budget now and all we will have debt wise when the baby is born is 1 car payment (that will be at least than $4k) and our Student loans (on a repayment plan as it is).

I think we will use my MIL as a backup since she does not want to drive up to our place but would rather us bring the baby to her. That way if my mom has a doctor's appointment or is sick or something we can work it out. And worst case in the first year I am given 10 extra sick days when I have a child, so I can use one of those days.

As for socializing we will see after like maybe 1 year to 18 months what to do about that. I think I read somewhere that after 18 months is a good time to get a child to socialize with other children, but for the first 18 months it's best they have more one on one interactions.

Thanks all! I really needed some outside opinions
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Old 04-22-2014, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,938 posts, read 17,236,141 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
I don't so much begrudge paying as her keeping on changing her mind about the amount.

I get it, $500/month for basically a nanny is a really good deal, but I told her at this point don't change the amount because I won't pay over $500/month. And she really doesn't need the money (trust me I know), she just dropped $8k in CASH (I have access to all her accounts because I take care of her finances for her) to get her back yard re-landscaped too.

Hubby and I changed our withholdings at work (somehow I was under single and not married) and for me alone that changed my check by over $200/month, so we will be able to afford $500/month to her, but no more. And YES, we have discussed that we will be claiming this on our taxes and so will she. We will work out the details of her being our "employee" for taxes later. My mother has a guy who does all her taxes (I think he's a book keeper or something) and he can help us set that all up. I'm also going to look into FSA to lower our tax income bracket and then pay her monthly by having her provide receipts to us. I will ask my work what kind of receipts and things are needed (like an EIN) to make sure our mother does count. I was told an FSA might be the best way to go if we'll be spending $6 grand/year on childcare rather than claiming child care credit.

Also all our CC debt will be paid off in August so that will be extra money for the baby We are following Dave Ramsey to pay off all our debts and so we are at a good budget now and all we will have debt wise when the baby is born is 1 car payment (that will be at least than $4k) and our Student loans (on a repayment plan as it is).

I think we will use my MIL as a backup since she does not want to drive up to our place but would rather us bring the baby to her. That way if my mom has a doctor's appointment or is sick or something we can work it out. And worst case in the first year I am given 10 extra sick days when I have a child, so I can use one of those days.

As for socializing we will see after like maybe 1 year to 18 months what to do about that. I think I read somewhere that after 18 months is a good time to get a child to socialize with other children, but for the first 18 months it's best they have more one on one interactions.

Thanks all! I really needed some outside opinions
This may be a stupid question, but if your mother really doesn't need the money (and if you handle your finances you would know) why did she change from promising to babysit for free to asking for $500 a month as payment?

If it is because your mom needs more quarters of work to qualify for SS benefits you probably should check that out in advance as there a possibility that providing child care to a daughter's child does not count for SS. At least, that is what another grandparent told me.

Or is there some huge tax benefit for you to take off $6,000 in child care expenses vs. paying zero for child care?

Or am I missing something?

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-22-2014 at 02:37 PM.. Reason: added last two sentences
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Old 04-22-2014, 02:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beera View Post
I'm having a baby end of August/early September and my mother insists on providing childcare.

I didn't think she was really serious and starting looking for daycares in my area. When she found out today she got really upset because she again insisted on taking care of the baby.

I asked "5 days a week, FULL time?" She says yes. I told her she can't change her mind a few weeks later because it won't be an overnight thing for me to find a new daycare provider. She swears she won't... we'll see.

I also told her for me to drive down south to her house, then drive up north to my work (farther north from where I live), would change my commute from 25-26 miles a day to 75 miles a day, which would about triple my gas bill, specially when she says she wants to be paid. And it would add over an hour or 2 of commute a day. Which is another reason I was looking for daycare in my area.

So now she's offered to drive up to my place (which is 12 miles from her), stay there until my husband gets home from work (around 3:30). So she'd probably be at our place from 8 am to 3:30 pm.

Now I can find cheaper daycare for about $600/month in the area, which isn't too bad, so I was thinking I'd pay her $300/month? She told me just pay her enough to cover her health insurance, which is under $200/month, but I figure add in another $100 for gas.

Is this fair?

My mother has no major debts and doesn't need to work. She hasn't worked in years because she invested her money in property and now collects rents from her properties (which are all paid off).

That would really help me and hubby out as well since we have student loans that we are still paying off and trying to get out of that debt so we can start saving for a home.
Why not try a part time situation first? Have your Mother come say Tuesday and Thursday and get the day care Monday, Wednesday and Friday with an arrangement at the daycare that the situation with your Mother is temporary.
That way you Mother gets to do what she wants, you get daycare and if Mom gets sick or for whatever reason can't show up you still have the spot in day care to fall back on.
Also, in a few weeks or couple months when you Mother decides she can't continue you still have the spot in daycare and as baby gets older your Mother may find she is not as energetic as she was when you were so young.
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Old 04-22-2014, 05:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
This may be a stupid question, but if your mother really doesn't need the money (and if you handle your finances you would know) why did she change from promising to babysit for free to asking for $500 a month as payment?

If it is because your mom needs more quarters of work to qualify for SS benefits you probably should check that out in advance as there a possibility that providing child care to a daughter's child does not count for SS. At least, that is what another grandparent told me.

Or is there some huge tax benefit for you to take off $6,000 in child care expenses vs. paying zero for child care?

Or am I missing something?
I am not sure if this is a social security thing, as it is, my mom is set for life and wouldn't even need SS. Does everyone get SS regardless of their income?

I just meant I was told it's better to use a flexible spending account so my taxable income is lower and I pay less taxes overall vs. claiming a child care credit. Does that make sense? I'm still trying to make sense of it!

The benefit of not paying child care of course would be an extra $6k/year to pay off our SL's or put towards the baby or something.

I just found this link so I'm going to read more into it:
Tax rules for paying family for in-home care - TaxWatch - MarketWatch

I'm still trying to work this out, but I think it boils down to my mom saying that because all her income comes from her properties, she cannot claim any expenses because she doesn't work (IDK how that's possible), BUT if she claims she makes $6 grand/year from a job she can start deducting expenses again? I don't see how she can't deduct things like property taxes, maintenance, etc, on her income properties.

ETA: under Tax benefits it says:
  1. The Child and Dependent Care Credit – Form 2441. Up to $3,000 per child or dependent (up to two dependents) can be used toward this credit. The credit is typically worth up to $1,200 for two dependents. It’s a nonrefundable credit, so it can only be used to reduce your taxes to zero. Instead of using that credit, set aside up to $5,000 in your flexible spending account to pay your parent and get reimbursed. This saves you more than $1,700 for combined federal and state tax brackets of 30% or more. It reduces your adjusted gross income, increasing other credits and deductions.
So for us doing an FSA of $5k would be better than claiming only $3k in child care credit. I THINK.

Last edited by beera; 04-22-2014 at 05:44 PM..
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