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Old 04-13-2014, 01:11 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,986,432 times
Reputation: 3702

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I'm having a baby end of August/early September and my mother insists on providing childcare.

I didn't think she was really serious and starting looking for daycares in my area. When she found out today she got really upset because she again insisted on taking care of the baby.

I asked "5 days a week, FULL time?" She says yes. I told her she can't change her mind a few weeks later because it won't be an overnight thing for me to find a new daycare provider. She swears she won't... we'll see.

I also told her for me to drive down south to her house, then drive up north to my work (farther north from where I live), would change my commute from 25-26 miles a day to 75 miles a day, which would about triple my gas bill, specially when she says she wants to be paid. And it would add over an hour or 2 of commute a day. Which is another reason I was looking for daycare in my area.

So now she's offered to drive up to my place (which is 12 miles from her), stay there until my husband gets home from work (around 3:30). So she'd probably be at our place from 8 am to 3:30 pm.

Now I can find cheaper daycare for about $600/month in the area, which isn't too bad, so I was thinking I'd pay her $300/month? She told me just pay her enough to cover her health insurance, which is under $200/month, but I figure add in another $100 for gas.

Is this fair?

My mother has no major debts and doesn't need to work. She hasn't worked in years because she invested her money in property and now collects rents from her properties (which are all paid off).

That would really help me and hubby out as well since we have student loans that we are still paying off and trying to get out of that debt so we can start saving for a home.
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Old 04-13-2014, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Virgin Islands
594 posts, read 1,242,156 times
Reputation: 586
I don't think you are really "paying" your mother in the sense that she will really profit from babysitting. I think covering gas and health insurance is reasonable. You will be much more comfortable leaving the baby with your mother than in a daycare. Also, babies get sick a lot and sick babies can't go to daycare.
All in all this sounds really good. I don't think you should "pay" your mom, for say, babysitting on a random night so you and your husband can have date night. But in the context above I think its reasonable.
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Old 04-13-2014, 08:47 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,921,802 times
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$300 a month, full time, / 160 hrs per month = 1.875/hr.

Nuh-uh... no way. How she spends her money is her business and has no business in justifying you taking advantage of her kindness. And that's what you'd be doing.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:47 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,986,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
$300 a month, full time, / 160 hrs per month = 1.875/hr.

Nuh-uh... no way. How she spends her money is her business and has no business in justifying you taking advantage of her kindness. And that's what you'd be doing.
How am I taking advantage when I started looking for daycare and she keeps saying she really wants to do it? I have laid out why I can't drive down myself and she has still insisted she wants to do it. I am not hiding anything from her that she doesn't know. She's come to me wanting to do it, I haven't gone to her.

She is the one also telling me to only pay her health insurance but I want to compensate her gas as well. I think she wants to help us out financially as well as wanting as much time with her grandson as possible.

I think if I offered much more she'd refuse it anyways.

Thanks for your input.

Last edited by beera; 04-13-2014 at 10:00 AM..
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:49 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,986,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duttygal86 View Post
I don't think you are really "paying" your mother in the sense that she will really profit from babysitting. I think covering gas and health insurance is reasonable. You will be much more comfortable leaving the baby with your mother than in a daycare. Also, babies get sick a lot and sick babies can't go to daycare.
All in all this sounds really good. I don't think you should "pay" your mom, for say, babysitting on a random night so you and your husband can have date night. But in the context above I think its reasonable.
Thanks. I agree it's not really "paying" much, but she wants to claim it on her taxes and of course so do I! Even if it'll only be around $4 grand/year. Been trying to figure out how we set this up for taxes and what not.
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Old 04-13-2014, 09:57 AM
 
13,158 posts, read 20,772,581 times
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If you mother isn't giving up employment to babysit, I think your offer is fine. She won't be out-of-pocket, will have an expense of her own taken care of, and she'll be where she probably wants to be, with her grandchild.
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Old 04-13-2014, 10:13 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,006 posts, read 17,320,800 times
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Obviously, I don't know you, your mother and your situation but I would suggest that you read a few old threads from the point of view of grandparents who provide childcare to their grandchildren. Perhaps you may avoid some common pitfalls.

I personally know quite a few grandparents who babysit their grandchildren for free. They range from being very happy to very unhappy. Some started out very happy but 3 or 4 years later, when their health and/or finances changed and the arrangement did not change are now very unhappy.

One has provided care twice a week (sometimes three times a week) for about six years (their daughter had two more babies since they started caring for their oldest grandchild). They are now in their late 60s and except for being totally exhausted at the end of each child care day are pretty happy with the situation. Except, that their son is expecting them to start providing free child care to his future children. The grandpa recently told me that he couldn't imagine caring for more newborn babies plus their siblings and cousins in his 70s but wanted to be fair to both of his children.

But, I also know a family where the grandparents babysat for their grandson full time for years. The daughter often bragged to others that she never even once had to pay for a weekend babysitter or for daily childcare for her son. The daughter and her husband used all of the extra money that they didn't spend for childcare on expensive restaurants, travel, new cars and other non-necessities. The poor grandparents had some financial problems, couldn't even pay their mortgage and ended up losing their house. And the daughter still did not pay them for current (or past childcare) because "grandparents are supposed to take care of grandchildren for free". Hmmm, it seemed pretty unfair to anyone who knew the situation.

This may work out very, very well for everyone involved but please discuss and agree on everything in advance and also agree to discuss the situation when changes occur (new babies, longer hours, health or finance changes, etc).

Grandma spends quality time with new grandchild, you have reliable child care and save money. It sounds like it could be a Win-Win situation.

Congrats on your future new addition and very good luck to you.
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Old 04-13-2014, 11:24 AM
 
6,389 posts, read 5,457,863 times
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I babysit my five-month-old grandson for five hours every day, four days a week. My daughter takes him with her to work (she puts in very long hours running her own business). She's fortunate that she can have him with her instead of sending him to a sitter or daycare, but my "spelling" her for those hours gives her some interrupted time to get things done. I enjoy the time I spend with him. I get to see her, too. I've got those empty afternoon hours anyway and I feel glad I can help her out when she needs me. It's tough being a new mom and having the responsibility of running a business. I don't ask to be paid. I remember all the times when she entertained her little sister to give ME a break (she's six years older).
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Old 04-13-2014, 10:06 PM
 
854 posts, read 3,339,723 times
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I don't personally have experience with your situation. However, I have a friend who does , and if $ is involved, it seems like it can get very tricky, with each feeling like the other got the better deal (side note, things like paying for gas and giving back in other ways seems fine, but actual payment seems like more of a slippery slope).

Not sure if you are undecided about the whole thing, or just the payment amount, but maybe think back to times your mother has helped people and whether she tends to be happy to help or if she can get resentful. If you do still think it could work, then agreeing to everything up front as the previous poster said seems like it could help.
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:20 AM
 
973 posts, read 1,238,051 times
Reputation: 599
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Obviously, I don't know you, your mother and your situation but I would suggest that you read a few old threads from the point of view of grandparents who provide childcare to their grandchildren. Perhaps you may avoid some common pitfalls.

I personally know quite a few grandparents who babysit their grandchildren for free. They range from being very happy to very unhappy. Some started out very happy but 3 or 4 years later, when their health and/or finances changed and the arrangement did not change are now very unhappy.

One has provided care twice a week (sometimes three times a week) for about six years (their daughter had two more babies since they started caring for their oldest grandchild). They are now in their late 60s and except for being totally exhausted at the end of each child care day are pretty happy with the situation. Except, that their son is expecting them to start providing free child care to his future children. The grandpa recently told me that he couldn't imagine caring for more newborn babies plus their siblings and cousins in his 70s but wanted to be fair to both of his children.

But, I also know a family where the grandparents babysat for their grandson full time for years. The daughter often bragged to others that she never even once had to pay for a weekend babysitter or for daily childcare for her son. The daughter and her husband used all of the extra money that they didn't spend for childcare on expensive restaurants, travel, new cars and other non-necessities. The poor grandparents had some financial problems, couldn't even pay their mortgage and ended up losing their house. And the daughter still did not pay them for current (or past childcare) because "grandparents are supposed to take care of grandchildren for free". Hmmm, it seemed pretty unfair to anyone who knew the situation.

This may work out very, very well for everyone involved but please discuss and agree on everything in advance and also agree to discuss the situation when changes occur (new babies, longer hours, health or finance changes, etc).

Grandma spends quality time with new grandchild, you have reliable child care and save money. It sounds like it could be a Win-Win situation.

Congrats on your future new addition and very good luck to you.

I think family should help each other for free. Especially in the OP's case where the OP isn't asking her mother to babysit at all. I think that's nerve to insist someone make you the babysitter and then you want the same price as a licensed professional. (I know she didn't say 600, but 300 isn't good enough. Anything more isn't saving the OP much.)

OP, I think you should stick with the professional daycare. Your mother seems immature and I don't think you'll be saving much. Also, what if she is sick one day or for whatever reasons can't? Daycares are always open. I think if you're mother is being this difficult now, I wouldn't allow her to be the babysitter. She might change her mind.
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