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Old 12-14-2007, 03:48 AM
281 posts, read 694,261 times
Reputation: 290


My situation begins with my in laws who have wanted us to come and live in the same state with them for years, since their grand child was born.

They were not that involved in the first few years of my son's life. I never understood this, but chalked it up to their being a few hundred miles away.

My husband and I were in a situation where we needed a huge change. I have multiple health problems, and the lease on our home was up.

My mom in law continously tried to talk us into moving near them, saying she needed to be part of my son's life, and that she wanted us to have family around.

So we finally relented and decided to make a big move, thinking that this would be a good thing for our son because I am a firm believer in children having their grandparents. I was very close with mine.

Once we moved however, things changed drastically. And we are struggling to make ends meet. My health has declined.

She wants very little to do with her own grand child. She never calls or asks to see him. And we live 10 minutes away. We have had to ask for them to watch our son twice in the past year. And she did not seem too thrilled about it.

I feel as if they came, moved us away from my home, and dumped us off without any family support. (not talking money)

We have no friends here. And my husband and I feel miserable because this is the situation we have somehow landed ourselves in.

We take responsibility for making the choice to move!

I just don't understand why my in laws suddenly don't seem to want to be participants in their grand child's life. He doesn't have behavioral problems.
And he is always asking "Where's grandma? Where's grandpa?"

He became sick last month, and when I phoned and left a voice mail for them that their grand child was sick, they never phoned back, and I haven't heard from them.

His mom openly stated to us once "All my fantasies of a perfect grandchild are out the window!" When my son, who was over tired from the long move had a melt down on day four of the move.

Maybe they were expecting a perfect grandchild.

Anyway, we are going to be moving back home when we can. His parents won't help with that though. We are pretty much stuck.

How would you handle this situation? Am I the only one who has a set of grandparents who don't want their grandchild around?

Thank you
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:49 AM
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,837,480 times
Reputation: 2214
I can't believe they pushed for you to move there and now virtually ignore their grandson. That's horrible and I wonder if they were expecting a little man who would be seen and not heard- but the reality of a real child with real behavior issues (and by issues I don't mean anything out of the norm for a child but they all have issues at times) doesn't fit into their program.

I would suggest that your husband talks to them since they are his parents- ask why they wanted you there so badly just to ignore you. Explain that you picked up your life and made a huge move for them and feel that you were misled. Considering your health problems, it sounds like you could use some support and it stinks that you're not getting it.

I don't blame you for choosing to move.
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:53 AM
203 posts, read 814,578 times
Reputation: 138
Take heart in the fact, it probably has very little to do with your son..........some people are just Not grandparent material. If your hubby thinks back, he probably can attest to this...............a bad move, but not unrecoverable, just a minor setback. Forget the emotional part and do whats best for your family............Options: move to better living and employment opportunities or staying and making it work.........
........i too was disappointed with the grandparently love, but we have to realize that this is the way they are and it's highly unlikely they will change now.................i have high ideals for family life too, unfortunately/fortunately we are not all the same and there's not a dam thing we can do about it! If you have to "force" someone to "love" your children.............is it worth it?? You'll make it, wont be easy, but you will do it
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Old 12-15-2007, 11:32 AM
Location: USA
1,895 posts, read 4,041,277 times
Reputation: 1988
How sad. I don't understand people like this! I'm so sorry for your little guy.
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Old 12-15-2007, 02:10 PM
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 11,122,913 times
Reputation: 851
There are some other threads on this if you search around. As you mentioned, you two need to take responsiblity for the fact that you made a huge move based on their wishes. Honestly though, now you need to decide what is best for your family and not count on them! Tell your husband to talk to them and make it clear that if they chose to do so, they are welcome in your life, but that you all are no longer focusing on that. Unfortunately, you need to move on and find your own support, and realize that they are not a part of this support.
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Old 12-15-2007, 03:12 PM
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,287,097 times
Reputation: 22274
Default Just thinking out loud . . .

I think you may have hit on it when you said your child had a meltdown when you first moved there. Speaking from personal experience, two of my friends have backed off from being involved in their g/kids' lives b/c they are really unsure how to handle things if the g/kids get worn out and stressed and - as you put it - have a meltdown. They just don't feel they can deal with that and are intimidated by the thought they their g/child will "pitch a fit" on their watch and they wont know how to calm things down.

Plus, as odd as this may seem, MILs always seem more reluctant to deal w/ g/children when it is their son's kids. Maybe we sometimes misinterpret things - but we often feel our DILs don't think we will handle things correctly w/ the kids - and we end up tip toeing around, and then finally just figure - what the heck - isn't worth all this tension worrying that we are going to do something that isn't one of our DIL's rules w/ the kids and upset her - so why bother.

Neither of these reasons may have a thing to do w/ your MIL and why she is not involved. If she is going thru/ menopause, that in itself is enuff to so completely alter some women's lives - that they have no energy or interest in anything except being quiet and in their own spaces. Add to that feeling impatient and irritable - having a child around is not necessarily something that would be a comfortable situation. Again, not everyone's circumstance! But I have certainly known some women who had a terribly difficult time w/ menopause, hormone replacement notwithstanding.

The other thing is - do you or your H directly say what you need from his parents? For ex, when you called and left the message about your ill child, did you say - if you could give me a call back - some assistance would truly be appreciated. Maybe your inlaws need to know what specifically they can do to help. Again, may not be the case. Some of us feel that our DILs think we are interfering if we "offer" - and so we wait to be "asked."

I am so so sorry you have made this major move and are disappointed w/ how things have worked out. I hope your H or you two together will have the chance at some point to sit down w/ his parents and have a frank discussion where you can say - we wish you were more involved in our lives. For all you know, they may just be waiting for you to let them know how they can help. On the other hand, they may just not be interested. But how will you know til you ask?

Good luck!
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:24 PM
Location: Minnesota
987 posts, read 3,392,514 times
Reputation: 356
Your family is either there or it's not. If your family is not there moving closer will never bring them closer. If they're there, you could be thousands of miles apart and feel like they're right in the next room.

Anyway I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. Get well, and never lose your family.
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:27 PM
Location: Journey's End
10,189 posts, read 24,471,174 times
Reputation: 3826
You might want to share this with the grandparent forum, and have it moved. At least one if not more threads with similar issues are posted there.
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Old 12-15-2007, 09:07 PM
6,585 posts, read 22,390,135 times
Reputation: 3170
I would just make the plan to move and just tell the in-laws a job offer or a health reason is causing y'all to move away. I would not tell them you are moving because their involvement did not live up to expectations. The move may not have lived up to their expectations either. They may have thought things would be one way and then reality hit and they decided they didn't want to do the hands on kid thing anymore. I would let everyone save face and move away graciously without accusations or confrontations.
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Old 12-16-2007, 06:32 AM
281 posts, read 694,261 times
Reputation: 290
Thank you! Everyone who responded. I did look further and found additional threads on my topic. So my apologies for adding another.

A few more thoughts regarding my situation....

When I moved up here we moved in with his parents. A month after we were there, my son who was potty training one day ran naked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where she was. She slammed something down and screamed at him "This has got to stop!!" Then she came barreling into our room (well, her room) and yelled at me and my husband that we needed to get a grip on our son and spank him.

It turned into something violent, where she was screaming then his dad shoved his way into the bedroom and started screaming and shoving my husband. I sat on the bed holding my son in my arms in horror. I had NO idea his parents had violent tempers. I'm ashamed to even speak of it. I have no one to talk to at all here.

After that big blow up his mother told us to get out. Right in front of her grandson. She said she didn't want us there. So I quietly got up and started to get my things together in a bag. Then she paced around her house like a crazed woman and came back and said "no...no, I don't want you guys to leave....get out here and speak with us".
I decided to go talk to her and remained quiet as she spoke her peace. She said she was disappointed in her son's choice of who he married. And I began to break down and cry. She kept on. And said she was angry my husband and I got married on a beach and not a church. She said she didn't like how her son and I met (we met online).

I tried to talk to her, but in the end, she sat in her chair and sobbed and played the victim. Then my husband's dad said "Look what you do to your mother..."
When I insisted that I would get my things and go (in a quiet respectful manner), she insisted she buy us a pizza and that we stay. Then something really coo coo happened. She started to laugh. Wiped her tears and said "ok I got that out of my system and I feel better"

My son was a wreck ....and emotional wreck for the entire next month it took us to find a place and get out of there. he stopped listening to me. He misbehaved all of the time. He did not want to stay in a room alone with his grandparents at any time. he woke with nightmares. I too had nightmares and never slept.

I developed a fear of his mom. She would pace arond the house angrily and slam things around. Complained if even 1 or 2 toys was left out. I know this must sound exaggerated but it is not.

Then she started doing something new for the remainder of the time we lived there. She refused to look or speak to me. At all. If she needed to say something, she said it to my husband looking right at him even if I was sitting beside him. She walked around and said nothing as if I were invisible. When they left for vacation, we found a home and while they were away I got out of there as fast as I could. I was having panic attacks so bad the doctor put me on medication.

It took me months to be able to handle going back to her home. I went on thanksgiving day and when I got inside I felt sick and started to have a severe panic attack and I threw up in the bathroom. Everything I went through came rushing back. My husband took me home after my being there a full 40 min.

I have not been able to go back since and I have nightmares about his mom charging me and fighting with me. I'm not used to that kind of thing in my life.

I told my husband the other night that i can't go on this way. That I think I'm going to leave him. I can't be n a family that hates me. I cry all the time. I'm depressed and sick.

He is angry with his mother and wants nothing more to do with her. But this is so hard. This woman will never never accept me. And her blow up and revealing that she doesn't like her son's choice for a wife has damaged something. I feel so hurt all of the time over it.

She has no clue.

Yes she is in menopause. And you know, my mother and grandmother went through it and never mistreated their family and grandchildren. I don't see this as a good excuse for mistreating your own grandchild. At least, not for me.

Thanks all.
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