Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I understand your concerns and there are some very valid ones, however, living in the land of what is probably is a better way to live then in the land of what if's. That mentality creates too much anxiety. Relationships constantly evolve and change. Your son and his family could just as well wind up living next door to you some day leaving you to wish that they were over seas again. Or it could turn out to be a happily ever after. Take a deep breath and deal with one day at a time. Congratulations on being a new Grandma too. Children are such a joy aren't they.
Meh. I wouldn't go as far as to say vastly incorrect.
The real issue I was talking about here, more than any local cultures, is the ability/likelihood of the girlfriend transferring to Kazakhstan, or failing that, the ability for her to get residency visa and company benefits if she's not married to the OP's son. Having worked for major multinational corporations with offices across the world I can confirm that it's not easy to do an internal transfer to an overseas office for multiple reasons. I've worked very closely with expats in our various overseas offices, in the Middle East, Central Asia and SE Asia and have a pretty good idea of the realities surrounding expat visas and ability to find work overseas.
OP has stated that the son's not interested in marriage. He wasn't even interested in the pregnancy at the onset. The girlfriend has already said she'd stay in Singapore for the three years he's in Kazakhstan. I'm looking at this and am thinking we have two people from two quite different cultures, who will be living apart in two quite different parts of the world and whose lives will be moving in different directions (he's starting on a new career, she's going to have a baby). What are the odds of them succeeding in any kind of relationship?
Note: the rest of the message isn't targeted towards you but at some of the other comments.
As a parent I naturally want what's best for my children. I'm aware that children can and do screw up periodically. My job is to provide advice along the way. When I see a child do something that will drastically change the course of his life and not necessarily for the better, it's natural to be concerned. Making my concerns clear isn't about control or telling him what to do but making him aware of all the implications. Parents are older, wiser and have been through more of life, including the entire upbringing of children and see things that young adult starting out in the world won't.
Having a baby is serious. It's not a stroll in the park or a vacation or a career change. It's a live human being with a moral claim on you. The OP's son is going to have a child and he needs to be aware of all the implications. He needs to decide, right now, if he sees a future with the mother of the baby or not, and needs to make the appropriate plans. If he's honorable he will do the right thing for the child, but he also needs to be upfront and honest with the mother of the child about what she can expect from him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976
Anyway my point was comparing KZ to a typical middle eastern country when it isn't even in the same world is vastly incorrect.
I grew up in the Philippines, and have many Filipino/Filipina relatives, including my mestiza sibs, including many cousins who have spouses living/working in the middle east.
There is a cultural difference in the Philippines where it is much more accepting of parent/s working abroad, or sending children to live with relatives in order to better the families finances and to improve the children's chances at a "better" life. Many, many filipino kids (and many of the half ones too) are raised in large part by their grandparents, it is part of the non-nuclear family, which is the norm in many, many cultures. These are not grandparents being coerced into caring for their grandchildren in anyway, and for most it is something the grandparents enjoy and take great fulfillment in doing.
So NK, please rest assured that this is not a particularly unusual situation in Asia. As for my family members, I had cousins who literally lived with us instead of their own parents for most of the year, and others who were basically co-parented by my Lola (grandma) and are still well adjusted and attached to their parents (even the ones who work abroad). So while this may not be the ideal situation when viewed through the nuclear family lens of the west, it is a normal situation with a happy ending for many, many families in Asia.
Since your daughter doesn't plan to have children, your son's child won't have cousins on your side of family anyway.
You are aware that NK and her husband also have two younger adopted daughters, right? This baby may certainly have cousins on the maternal side.
I totally get your misgivings NK. But, i think they might be best sent via a DM. Your son sounds as though he is ready for fatherhood, and will make an excellent go of it within the restrictions he's facing.
I grew up in the Philippines, and have many Filipino/Filipina relatives, including my mestiza sibs, including many cousins who have spouses living/working in the middle east.
There is a cultural difference in the Philippines where it is much more accepting of parent/s working abroad, or sending children to live with relatives in order to better the families finances and to improve the children's chances at a "better" life. Many, many filipino kids (and many of the half ones too) are raised in large part by their grandparents, it is part of the non-nuclear family, which is the norm in many, many cultures. These are not grandparents being coerced into caring for their grandchildren in anyway, and for most it is something the grandparents enjoy and take great fulfillment in doing.
So NK, please rest assured that this is not a particularly unusual situation in Asia. As for my family members, I had cousins who literally lived with us instead of their own parents for most of the year, and others who were basically co-parented by my Lola (grandma) and are still well adjusted and attached to their parents (even the ones who work abroad). So while this may not be the ideal situation when viewed through the nuclear family lens of the west, it is a normal situation with a happy ending for many, many families in Asia.
Yep. My husband was raised by various sisters (mostly depending on which ones were still in the Philippines as opposed to having already come to the U.S.), and when his last sister came to the U.S., he lived with an aunt and her family. This is not seen as unusual at all.
Yes but the workers of those nationalities are usually in low income labor jobs. I have a hard time seeing a muslim man taking orders from or taking a professional 4' 11" single Filipina woman seriously. Hopefully my fears are ungrounded.
Obviously you don't know many 4'11" Filipinas.
I do and trust, they are NO ONE'S fool.
The Phillipines is overwhelmingly Catholic anyway...where does the Muslim thing come in? Also, they used to be American territory so are very used to the American culture, it is everywhere. All the girls love a Cano. (Americano).
Filipinos are wonderful, generous people, who work hard and love their families and God with equal fierceness.
If you let her, she will become another daughter.
If you are RACIST however, she will become your worst enemy.
And babies half Filipino/half caucasian are GORGEOUS.
Give her a chance. Filipinas marry for life you know - they do not believe in divorce, no matter what.
I grew up in the Philippines, and have many Filipino/Filipina relatives, including my mestiza sibs, including many cousins who have spouses living/working in the middle east.
There is a cultural difference in the Philippines where it is much more accepting of parent/s working abroad, or sending children to live with relatives in order to better the families finances and to improve the children's chances at a "better" life. Many, many filipino kids (and many of the half ones too) are raised in large part by their grandparents, it is part of the non-nuclear family, which is the norm in many, many cultures. These are not grandparents being coerced into caring for their grandchildren in anyway, and for most it is something the grandparents enjoy and take great fulfillment in doing.
So NK, please rest assured that this is not a particularly unusual situation in Asia. As for my family members, I had cousins who literally lived with us instead of their own parents for most of the year, and others who were basically co-parented by my Lola (grandma) and are still well adjusted and attached to their parents (even the ones who work abroad). So while this may not be the ideal situation when viewed through the nuclear family lens of the west, it is a normal situation with a happy ending for many, many families in Asia.
“Happy Fathers’ Day and you are going to be grandparents”
Our 33 year old son called us this morning with this news and neither one of us is very happy about it.
He lives in Singapore and has met and fallen (love?) for a 29 year old Filipino woman. They have only been together for 6 months but she told him very early she wanted to get pregnant by him. He was flattered but said no. I knew when he told me this is what would happen. He says they have been trying for the past 2 months and both are pleased. I have absolutely no issue with this girl. We have 3 adopted Asian daughters so having a part Asian grandchild is a rather nice thought.
The thing is they have no plans to marry. OK I can live with that. But he is moving to Kazakhstan in August where he has signed a 3 year contract. She will stay in Singapore and her mother will come to help her. The child is due in March (she just found out she is pregnant this morning)and son is planning to bring her to KZ when the child is old enough to travel. The woman hopes to get a job in KZ which probably won’t be too difficult since her current employer has offices there. She is an engineer.
This means he will not even be with the mother of his child while she is pregnant and won’t even be there for the birth. He tells me “Oh she won’t be alone -her mother will be there to help her”. I think being together during the whole process is important, especially the birth. He wants to be a very hands -on father but already they are dealing with separation issues in the near future. She might not be able to get the job she thinks she will. Will a Filipino woman with no husband and a child be welcomed in a Muslim country?
I think the thing which gets me the most is that this is a planned pregnancy. What were they thinking?
And who knows when I will ever see this baby? I certainly won’t be a part of its life on any regular basis because son’s career takes him all over the world and he more than likely won’t live in the US for some time. I can’t travel that far because of health concerns.
He says he is happy and after my initial shock I told him if he is happy that is all that matters. But I’m concerned and worried. I have read so many stories of couples from different cultures and nations who fight over kids and sometimes one will run off with the child and there ensues a terrible legal battle if the kid can even be found. I know she is very close to her mother.
I wish I could be happy. I want to be happy. You are supposed to be happy when you find out you are going to have your first grandkid or any grandchild for that matter. But he seems so naïve about what lies ahead for the woman as a single woman with a child and all the pitfalls which may be ahead. But I guess that is the “beauty” of being young. You go head first into impossible situations without much concern for the future. But a 33 year old man with a PhD should have better sense. Frankly I think his biological clock is more at play in this than hers. He has always wanted kids. Oh well there isn't much I can do except keep my mouth shut and wish them the best. They just might make it without all the troubles I see ahead. I certainly hope they do. I'm sure after the initial shock I will be better to deal with it all. He and I are very close and I want him to still feel he can talk to me about all aspects of his life. OK rant over.
I understand a good rant. Adjust your expectations.
No Kudzu reading your posts make my heart ache. I'm sorry you're having to experience this.
I think you are being very wise to vent your frustrations here instead of unloading everything onto your son. And "keeping your mouth shut" is probably so very hard to do, but it sounds like your are mustering up the strength to do just that so you may keep on good terms and genuinely wish them the best.
Since both parents are very well educated, and finances will be stable it sounds like, hopefully you will be able to see your grandbaby at least once a year. Plus, there's always Skype!
Yes but the workers of those nationalities are usually in low income labor jobs. I have a hard time seeing a muslim man taking orders from or taking a professional 4' 11" single Filipina woman seriously. Hopefully my fears are ungrounded.
I'm not going to speak to any of the other issues, but I can provide a little info regarding Kazakhstan and her ability to fit in. I've got a former student who, directly out of library school, took a job as a librarian at the University in Astana (the capital city). She's small (maybe a tad over five feet), not imposing at all. And she's doing just fine, despite being an ultra-liberal feminist. She calls the city Muslim in name only. Alcohol is freely available, fasting isn't forced on non-Muslims during Ramadan, and so on. The Kazakhs don't seem to have any problem working with a non-Muslim professional woman.
Others' experiences may differ, but it's no Saudi Arabia. Of course, with the way the world is right now, I suppose a revolution could happen overnight and everything could change, but for now it seems to be okay.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
