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Old 08-28-2014, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 3,866,193 times
Reputation: 550

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A little background: My son (23) has dated the same girl since he was 14. They moved in together at 18. About 2.5 years ago they decided to have a baby. She will be 2 in October. I babysit her sometimes while dil works (PT, 2 days a week), and I also have babysat so son and dil could go out to dinner, etc. I also have an 11 yr old and 6 yr old, so we kind of take turns babysitting for each other.

My son is just like his dad, my ex husband, in that he works very hard, but doesn't want to play hard. He would rather sit at home, play xbox, or just "chill". He will take her out to dinner every once in a while (as mentioned above), but that's about it. She has always known this is how he is. I even talked to her about it years ago, and of course, she was so "in love" she said it didn't bother her. She, who I refer to as my DIL, although they aren't married, has decided in the last few months that she wants to party. She goes out 2-4 times a week with friends. My son has no desire to party, and so he stays home. She will come in around 2-3am, and once didn't come home til 9am.

Obviously this has caused them a lot of problems. She has admitted to making out with a girlfriend, and has talked to a man via texts/calls.

She left him a couple weeks ago, and moved in with her parents (who have tons of their own problems, manage money horribly, mother is an alcoholic, father was inappropriate with dil once, etc). After just a few hours with her mother being drunk, she called my son and asked if she could come home. He said yes.

They talked, and he said he would try harder, and she said she'd stop partying. I babysat so they could go out, to what I thought was dinner and going to a hotel for alone time. I find out that she had invited her friends, her brother, and his friends all to party at the hotel. My son said it was ok, he was trying harder to do things like this with her. I noticed him putting things up on FB while he was at work, like "I love you D" and "Have a great day babe"....unlike him, so I smiled, knowing he's trying.

I'm thinking things might be getting better, then this morning I receive a text from her. This is what it read:

"I'm moving into my parents house again when I get off work and tonight I am supposed to be having a reunion with my old group of friends at 9pm and I really don't want to cancel it, but I don't really trust my mom to be with Hailey at that time either. (Just FYI, in almost two years, Hailey (granddaughter) has NEVER spent the night with dil's parents, bc of mother's drinking and what father did. She has spent NUMEROUS nights here) Is there any way that she could stay the night tonight, and I can bring her around 8 and pick her up at 9 in the morning? I'll also need to get the playpen from you to use at my parent's house."

Who else thinks it's absolutely insane that she texts me to tell me she's leaving my son again, and then asks if I'll babysit so she can party with friends?? I was literally like, what the hell? I'm taking my 11 yr old to a One Republic concert tonight, so I told her no. I need to have a talk with her though and tell her I am not going to be her babysitter so she can party. However, how do I do that without pissing her off, and risk her trying to hold Hailey from me? She is a very immature 23 yr old. She and I were very close at one time. She would come over and just hang out with me all day while my son was at work. I love this girl. But I feel this whole breakup is her fault.

She knew this was how my son is before she moved in with him, and before she had a baby with him. She met up with a couple of friends from high school and decides she wants to live that life again. My son says he is fine this time (last time he cried to me about it). I'm glad for that. But I hurt for Hailey.

She's definitely acting different since all this started. As I've said, I've babysat her and she's spent the night here a lot. She never used to ask for her mom or dad when she was here, but the last two times I've had her, she's cried for them. I know she feels something is wrong.

How do I talk to dil about all this, without jeopardizing my relationship with Hailey? DIL thinks everyone is against her, and no one understands what it's like to live with a man who is "boring". I told her I lived with one for 16 years, I do understand. The difference is, she knew BEFORE she moved in with him and had a baby, and I didn't party until after I left my ex for good.

If she feels she will be happier without my son, then I'm all for it. I don't want them together for the sake of the baby and then it be a miserable home. I just hate she did all this before she left him. I also wonder how long she'll be gone this time before she asks to come back again.

Now I'm rambling. Please help.
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Old 08-28-2014, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 3,866,193 times
Reputation: 550
PS.... I just saw on FB her talking about the reunion tonight, so I guess she's not going to cancel. IF she leaves Hailey with her drunk mother, I have to say something, right? Or do I bite my tongue??
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Old 08-28-2014, 12:35 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,633,057 times
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If she leaves Hailey with her drunk mother while she goes out partying, that's cause for DFACS to step in.

I would talk to your son about it first before doing anything rash. But I agree with your point of view. This is a hard situation all around.
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Old 08-28-2014, 12:54 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,901,896 times
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While DIL knew what your son is like, your son also know what she was like. He's just as responsible. She needs to calm down and he needs to liven up. They BOTH need to compromise, for which there is PLENTY of room to do so.

If I were you, I'd continue to babysit. and have a talk with your son.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:23 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,088,204 times
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Her relationship with your son shouldn't change your relationship with her and your grandchild. If you stop babysitting, she'll definitely keep your granddaughter from you. You need to put aside your feelings and not try to influence the situation by refusing on the grounds of her leaving your son and not approving of her partying. You can decline to babysit because you have other plans, but you can't get in the middle of this and make a moral stand. It's up to you if you want to have a relationship with your granddaughter to the level you currently have.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 3,866,193 times
Reputation: 550
I just talked to her about tonight. Her brother is babysitting, and he's pretty responsible.

I agree, they both need to compromise, although when I say she wants to "live that life again", I meant, like she's in high school. She's never partied before. She's always been laid back too, until she met up with old HS friends a few months ago. Even her parents are shocked at her turn around.

I've told my son he needs to step up, bc every woman needs attention from her man. It's one reason I left his father, so I totally get where she's coming from. I just wish she would have changed before she had a baby. Hailey is my main concern.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:32 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,088,204 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mzjamiedawn View Post
PS.... I just saw on FB her talking about the reunion tonight, so I guess she's not going to cancel. IF she leaves Hailey with her drunk mother, I have to say something, right? Or do I bite my tongue??
Since you declined to babysit, you have no idea who will be watching the baby. She may have found someone besides her mother. Your son might be watching the child. I give her credit for trying and calling you first for a more appropriate sitter. That indicates to me that she's not entirely irresponsible and may have found an acceptable sitter.

From a grandmother perspective, you're going to make a big mistake if you stop babysitting simply because she and your son broke up. If you have plans, that's okay. But you readily admit that you won't babysit for her to party and because she broke up with your son. That's not cool. You're punishing and risking your relationship with your grandchild by doing that.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:33 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,088,204 times
Reputation: 30379
Quote:
Originally Posted by mzjamiedawn View Post
Hailey is my main concern.
Then babysit Hailey whenever she asks.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 3,866,193 times
Reputation: 550
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Her relationship with your son shouldn't change your relationship with her and your grandchild. If you stop babysitting, she'll definitely keep your granddaughter from you. You need to put aside your feelings and not try to influence the situation by refusing on the grounds of her leaving your son and not approving of her partying. You can decline to babysit because you have other plans, but you can't get in the middle of this and make a moral stand. It's up to you if you want to have a relationship with your granddaughter to the level you currently have.
Honestly, I wouldn't mind keeping her say, once a week so she can go out. When I left my ex, I appreciated my mom doing that for me so I could go out once a week. I won't keep her 2-4 times a week though.

Please know, I'm not on a moral high horse. I go out dancing and drinking with my now husband at least once a month. I'm all for couples having fun together. I just wish my son's and dil's idea of fun was the same. I think I was very shocked though, to be told she's leaving my son in a text, and in the same breath ask me to babysit.
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Old 08-28-2014, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 3,866,193 times
Reputation: 550
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Since you declined to babysit, you have no idea who will be watching the baby. She may have found someone besides her mother. Your son might be watching the child. I give her credit for trying and calling you first for a more appropriate sitter. That indicates to me that she's not entirely irresponsible and may have found an acceptable sitter.

From a grandmother perspective, you're going to make a big mistake if you stop babysitting simply because she and your son broke up. If you have plans, that's okay. But you readily admit that you won't babysit for her to party and because she broke up with your son. That's not cool. You're punishing and risking your relationship with your grandchild by doing that.
Her brother will babysit. It will be his first time to do so, but Hailey will be put to sleep first, so I really think everything will be ok.

I don't think I said I won't babysit because she broke up with my son. I said I'm not going to babysit so she can party, which I've realized, once a week isn't bad for her to go out, and I appreciated it when my mom did that for me. I'd rather be the one to watch her than anyone else anyway. But, I won't keep her as many times as she has been leaving her with my son.
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