My MIL says to just drop it...that I am expecting more than they're capable of giving... (parents, gifts)

[Mrs.Bewitched]

My parents are not very involved in my life or my two children's lives. When I lived 7 minutes from them, the only time I spoke to them on the phone or saw them in person was on special occasions- holidays, a graduation, birthdays. Sometimes I would try to invite them over and I would either get canceled on or they just wouldn't call me back.

So when I moved over a thousand miles away, I didn't think twice about it. The kind of relationship I had and my children had with them already seemed like a long distance relationship.

I've been here for almost four years. Same ole story with the phone calls. So finally I got fed up and shot my dad an email (sometimes we'd email...and any phone conversation was usually with him anyway) telling him exactly how I felt. How it was always me who put out ANY and ALL kind of communication, and when there was communication it was few and far between, that their grandchildren barely know them and that I wanted a better relationship. My father emailed me back, agreeing to everything. Apologizing for everything and wanting it to change, and he will try to make things better, and he would call that weekend. Didn't happen.

So, this year has been THE WORST. I have spoken to my mother MAYBE 1 time since January of 07...if that...and my father maybe about 2-3 times. It's almost a YEAR! Since January I have called and left messages on their machine, on these occasions, with NO return call: Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, my youngest's birthday in July, my birthday in August, oldest son's birthday in August, my dad's birthday, my husband's birthday in November, and my mother's birthday in December. On our own birthdays we left messages thanking for gifts received. The other holidays we left messages with wishes. NOT ONCE did we ever get a call back thanking for a present, or get a call telling any of us "happy birthday". My father called shortly after my oldest son's birthday in August and left a message on the machine apologizing for not calling for my youngest, mine and my oldest's birthdays and he'll call back. Forget that, the second I got that message I called back figuring they'd have to pick up since they called that day...yup, I left another message.

My in-laws can't believe their behavior. They don't understand it. They say that they're ignorant and don't know better...it's not like they don't know how I feel or what I expect...I poured out my heart in an email!! So they know! They my inlaws say I am expecting more than they're capable of giving. I just want some phone calls! Communication.

I don't know why they are like this. When they called on Christmas I almost fainted. It was on speaker phone too, so I barely understood them. So that was the first or second time I talked to my mother.

Thanks for letting me vent. Thank god they have my inlaws as grandparents. Even before I moved here (to where my inlaws are), when they lived here and I lived 7 minutes from my parents, I STILL spoke and saw the faraway grandparents (2 week trips) then I spoke/saw the in town ones!

[Lillietta]

How hurtful! No excuse on their part - not only rude, but completely neglectful, indifferent. If you can detach yourself - which will take time - and decide that you are through with them until they show a consistent genuine interest (which probably won't happen) you will feel better. You've done all you could. Just write them off mentally and expect nothing from them. It may happen that if they no longer hear from you for any reason (no more birthday greetings, etc.) they may wake up. Only time will tell.

[brokensky]

Originally Posted by Lillietta

How hurtful! No excuse on their part - not only rude, but completely neglectful, indifferent. If you can detach yourself - which will take time - and decide that you are through with them until they show a consistent genuine interest (which probably won't happen) you will feel better. You've done all you could. Just write them off mentally and expect nothing from them. It may happen that if they no longer hear from you for any reason (no more birthday greetings, etc.) they may wake up. Only time will tell.

Lil has given good advice. May I add . . . I am sure you are trying to be a good parent, good daughter and you worry about your children and their relatoinship w/ their g/parents. However, as Lil says . . . you need to detach yourself . . . quit w/ the effort - write them off and if they come back around - it will be b/c they were willing to make the effort, and not b/c you have been straining so hard to get some response.

We can speculate for days as to why your parents are this way. But the bottom line is - it is what it is. They have demonstrated their comfort zone w/ involvement. You are only upsetting yourself w/ all the effort. Try to accept that you did everything you can do . . . now it is time to leave it alone . . . and let the situation unfold as it will in the future.

And yes, thank your lucky stars for your inlaws!!!!!

[brook2ga]

That's so hard for me to imagine, having had very caring parents. I'm sure it's very difficult to say the least. I wonder if you had a face to face conversation with both of them, what would happen. I think you should move on, but if they make the effort to communicate, keep an open mind. It's hard to know what to do in this situation. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your in-laws. All the best to you!

[regarese]

I have an aunt who told me once that you know you're an adult when you realize your parents can be a-holes just like everybody else. Not everybody gets good parents (had to come to the realization myself too with my own parents and to an extent my in-laws) or what they think should be good parents. They raised you in a way that you know how to now be a good mom to your kids, so they did something right. Appreciate that, and listen to your MIL. (How many times do you hear THAT sentence-LOL). Yup is sucks, yup it's not fair, but you can't let it consume you or cloud every occassion (Will they call today? Will they send a card?) You'll drive yourself crazy. It sounds like a cop-out, but "It is what it is." I'm sorry that they keep hurting you and they can't see that. Just think of what a great grandmother you're going to be!!!

[Beth56]

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Are other family members treated this way? Do you remember a moment in time when things changed between you and your parents or have they always been this distant, even in your childhood?

Could your parents be experiencing some form of depression or some other psychological ailment? This is so not normal. This kind of detachment reminds me of a specific religious cult that encourages detachment from family and friends.

I know some people aren't the warmest bunch, but this just seems so extreme to me. I agree with the others. At some point you will need to let it go. You can't carry this pain around with you forever.

[orrmobl]

God that sounds like my story, except we saw my mom a tad more but it was always super last minute, call the morning or afternoon on a Wednesday (whenever her hair/nail/doctor/dentist appointments were not) and come in for an hour even though she lived 5 minutes away and was always welcome...

Add to that the favoritism she shows to her brothers kids(she's like their grandmother due to family fallout w/ their grandparents) - she would see them/stay over night etc and squeeze my kids in on Sunday afternoons now n then, and after spending any sort of time with my kids, she had to immediately schedule and spend twice as much time with his kids to "make up for it" even though my kids never got that treatment...

I could go on and on...Long story short, we moved about an hour away and she was FURIOUS at me for doing so...now, I'm 37 years old and the writing is on the wall, I had told her over the years how hurtful her behavior had been to me and that I would like her to see the kids more...she just told me that I was too sensitive and should get over it...My wife offers to bring the kids down on the weekends but she usually says she's too busy...

So I have gotten over the need to have her involved with my kids. We live further away and don't see her much, but still hear how she spent Saturday with my uncle's kids, then the next Saturday and Sunday...my kids saw her for 4 hours one Saturday in between all that....

You can't change them, you can only change how you react to them...so I've given up on trying, I figure if my kids are not close to her in her old age, she will have no one to blame but herself...

As for your parents...how old are they? My grandparents seemed a bit insensitive/disinterested when it came to how they treated us but it turned out she had the beginning of Alzheimers...as for him, he was just an insensitive knucklehead I guess...

[jeannie216]

I have something similiar here also. My in-laws are fabulous and see my kids on a regular basis, and my parents rarely. Both my parents remarried and what I've noticed over the years is that all the time and attention went to their new spouses and family. I did the same thing with the pouring out my feelings via email and things just didn't change so I needed to just come to terms with the fact that yes, my parents are not what I would like them to be and I just need to love them and accept them as they are and as difficult as it is, I'm working on it. I count my lucky stars for my in-laws and the relationship they have with my children. We are also moving from NJ to NC so we'll see what the distance will bring. Jeannie

[mommiewrites]

sometimes, you just have to take people for what they are, and accept it.

my mom lives a half hour from us, and the only time she calls or emails is when she needs something. Usually she sends a 'tester' email first- a generic hi type thing, then she asks for whatever- money, her car being fixed, whatever...

she does *usually* come to birthday parties, and she *did* come over xmas morning (only for an hour or so- dont know where she went after, my grandparents were out of town, so i know not there....and my little bro and sis were at their dads house). I dont *think* I've seen her since xmas. ohhh no- she did come over for an hour or so in february. she needed her oil changed.

Shes coming over sunday - because her car window is stuck and needs my hubby to fix it for her.

Shes just not one of those grandmas, that i wish my kids had. No coming over just to say hi, or calling for no reason, or any of that stuff. I don't know if she feels bad, because she can't afford gifts (we don't want her to get anything- just to COME), or what. My grandmother thinks she is jealous of the life that my husband and I have and our relationship, and the ability to do things for our kids that she was never able to do....I don't know....

when i had my son (april 06) she came for about 30 minutes and left.

I can't change her, so I deal.

the sooner you can accept that you can't change them, and just to accept them for the flakes they are (hey, I have my own flake!), the happier you will end up being, and the less you will resent it.

at least they don't try and use you

[Mrs.Bewitched]

for all of your comments. I am glad (well, not for you), that there are other people out there that have the same knd of problems.


I know I have to get over it. That's a problem of mine. I don't know how. I am so bad at acting like nothing is wrong, and for me to just push the feelings aside, try to understand this is just how it has to be...when I disagree with it and can't fathom how and why it should be like it is...I do find it hard to start getting "happy feelings" towards my parents again. And I know that is an issue of mine I have to learn to deal with

Thanks once again!