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I think it's very sad, and a shame that they don't want a full relationship with your kids. My son considers his grandparents house truly a second home. There is nothing there that is off limits to him (age appropriate, chemicals stored away and all that). He has free fun of the house and feels completely comfortable there and even has his own drawers and cabinets where he can keep some of his own things.
Save your money and tell Grandma that the road goes both ways and that your children "should" be much more important than those "special" items.
Then stay home and put that $1000.00 to better use.
What they said!!!!
Our grandchild is autistic and quite the energizer bunny! He runs non-stop from the moment he wakes up until he falls asleep. We often travel to see them because it is so much easier for him in his own environment with his stuff (and safety features we do not have like additional deadbolt locks on all doors, additional window locking devices, etc) HOWEVER we are overjoyed when they come to visit. Arriving today for Christmas...EVERYTHING gets tied down, picked up, put away, hidden, etc to accommodate, but we would have it no other way. Being able to spend quality time with him is SOOOOOO worth it!
When we go to visit them, we buy groceries, will take them out for lunch/dinner AND I love to cook for them and give our darling daughter a breather.
[quote=DubbleT;37570506] My paternal grandparents kept the living room completely off limits to non-adults, everything was covered in plastic too. Lots of marble and antique mahogany furniture, little knick-knacks everywhere, etc. As kids we were restricted to the kitchen, basement and backyard and generally meant to observe the old 'children are to be seen and not heard' rule.
Dang! Does THAT sound familiar!!!! By any chance were your paternal grandparents German, cause I could have written your story myself!
I did ask if she could move a few items of significant importance and she said everything is important and she will not move all the items in her house. I guess we just keep eating out and staying at the Residence Inn. We would visit more often if it didn't become so expensive. But a five day trip costs close to $1,000.
stop visiting or have them visit you. her refusal to move anything so she can enjoy her grandkids "worry free" is a "tell" on just how much she loves and wants to spend time. she really has minimal maternal love if she can't be bothered to move a few things. I would not go out of my way for her in the future.
people even parents who always want things on their terms should be a good indication of just how much they want you in their life. if they can't be bothered to come see you every now and then it seems rather silly to continue to go out of your way, go to the expense when really all it is on their part is a show of family and on their terms at that. I would not play the game.
if they can't be bothered to come see you every now and then it seems rather silly to continue to go out of your way, go to the expense when really all it is on their part is a show of family and on their terms at that. I would not play the game.
They used to come visit a few times per year, but are unable to do so anymore due to illness.
We will be there soon, I'll post back about how it goes. No plans to visit their home at this time.
That is very odd. Both sets of grandparents have breakables in their homes. My mom used to move hers out of reach, and/or watch my kids close enough to keep them out of the formal living and dining rooms. At my in-laws, she never moved anything. I either had to do it or chase the kids for the whole visit. But still, we were welcome.
The whole separate vacations thing is really weird too.
I think it is very odd that your husband didn't even notice you hadn't been to their house in so long.
Personally, I like visiting with the grand parents in a neutral location or vacationing with them, but I make an effort to take them out of state to both grand parents homes because I want them to have memories of playing at their grand parents homes. I wouldn't make much of an effort to visit if I were you.
Wow, I simply cannot relate to the grandparents in this scenario.
My husband and I have antiques as well as lots of glassware, pottery, etc that is either (or both) antique or a family heirloom. I also keep a very neat, clean house. I always have, even when the kids were little - and I had antiques and fragile things then too.
We USE our beautiful things. For instance, we have a set of inherited china that's very valuable (for instance, the tureen is valued at $700). We use it every holiday - including the tureen! It's beautiful and it's made to be used.
Over the years, my kids and grandkids have occasionally broken something - very occasionally but hey, it happens when you have fragile things displayed. For instance, my granddaughter accidentally dropped a beach ball down the stairs once and it hit a very expensive vase on the foyer table - which fell and shattered into a thousand pieces. Oh well - it was a nice vase, but it was JUST A VASE. My granddaughter was horrified and almost burst into tears - but I quickly said, "Honey, don't worry about that - here, run go get the broom and dustpan and let's just clean it up together." I figure that accidents will happen, and I took the risk when I displayed the vase - it's my fault as much as it is hers. Her heart is much more valuable than any stupid vase anyway.
I think that if kids don't grow up around nice things, how will they learn to be careful with them? That was the last thing that child has broken in my house, and that was 7 years ago.
Now - I do insist that kids keep things picked up when they visit. I don't allow them to just throw stuff down on the floor or leave things strewn across the living room. When they come inside, they have to take their shoes off and place them neatly by the door - they can't come running through tracking dirt and leaves everywhere. But if we keep things picked up as we go along, things stay neat.
I LOVE having my grandkids over - LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. I can't imagine not hosting them along with their parents - for a few days. But fish and company both stink after three days, so that's about my limit unless there are unusual circumstances. I love seeing them come and I love seeing them go - it's tiring to have a house full of company. But it's worth it.
I think some people are just like that. My paternal grandparents kept the living room completely off limits to non-adults, everything was covered in plastic too. Lots of marble and antique mahogany furniture, little knick-knacks everywhere, etc. As kids we were restricted to the kitchen, basement and backyard and generally meant to observe the old 'children are to be seen and not heard' rule. I still think of it as odd, considering between them my grandparents raised seven children. Who knows, maybe after raising that many kids they just wanted to escape kids as much as possible...
My grandmother had a 'front room' like that too. But it never bothered us as kids and it never stopped us staying there. I adored my grandmother.
Has your husband, their son, talked to them and explained that the boys are old enough to not break things and be entertained by board games, a TV show or an iPad so the adults can spend some quality time together? Has your husband actually asked them why they are not inviting your family into their home any more?
I still think that there may be "more to the story". I don't know what it is but perhaps your husband can figure it out.
Are his parents older? Are they still working? I know that some older adults who are still working fulltime can be pretty exhausted. It may be hard for them to do anything in addition to their jobs (such as make meals for four extra people). But, your husband could explain that the two of you could help with the meals and clean-up.
Is it possible that his parents have developed some type of health problems and that is why they are limiting contact with you so that you won't find out?
How old are your children? Some older people don't relate as well to babies or very young children as they used to. Depending on how old your husband and any siblings are, it may have been 30 or 35 years since his parents dealt with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.
There could be any number of reasons that they don't invite you into their home (maybe valid and maybe not so valid).
Quote:
Originally Posted by rizzo0904
My husband visits 2-3 times per month...he's often nearby due to his job. I haven't been there for about three years...neither have the kids. We used to stay at their home. They even bought a crib which was converted into a bed for the kids. (Note: I actually prefer staying in the hotel, it's easier)
They both work part time.
Illness: He is ill, and I understand that contributes to us staying in a hotel, but it still doesn't make sense for a quick lunch or just to spend some time together.
My husband didn't realize that we hadn't been invited over until I mentioned it last week. I had been wondering why for a while but never asked. It came up (she began the conversation) a few weeks ago when we were speaking on the phone. She said she doesn't want anything to get broken.
She always wanted to be a grandmother, but not really a hands on one. I think she enjoys talking to her friends about the kids and participating in the my grandkid this, my grandkid that conversations. She doesn't like to get dirty, paint, play with messy things. She doesn't like to be outdoors.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rizzo0904
They used to come visit a few times per year, but are unable to do so anymore due to illness.
We will be there soon, I'll post back about how it goes. No plans to visit their home at this time.
If it was my family, I would push my husband to discuss it with his parents. I would not be surprised to find out that there is a lot "more to the story". Whether it is health problems that they are trying to keep secret, or financial problems, or just not being able to keep up with the housekeeping. I really think that there may be other issues.
One of my elderly uncles did not want to be around infants and toddlers because he had significant vision problems and difficulty walking. He was absolutely terrified that he would trip over a toddler and fall and hurt the child or trip on a ball or toy that a child left on the floor and then fall and hurt himself. He was especially worried about falling and breaking his hip. And his worries were not too crazy. The mother of one of my co-workers may have tripped over a toy that a grandchild had left at the top of a flight of stairs. She fell down the entire flight of basement stairs, hit the cement floor and died. Although, she was alone when she died and no one knows for sure, it appeared that is what happened (the grandmother was also carrying a basket full of clothes so probably did not even see the toy). She was only in her late 40s and was in excellent health, but freak accidents can happen at any time.
Perhaps, his mother does not realize that you do not have to be a "hands on" grandmother to be a loving, caring grandmother. My mother was completely bedridden (although she was able to sit up in the bed if an adult put her in the proper position) when my daughter was young but still had a very loving relationship with my daughter (and her other grandchildren). Sure, the things that they did together were different than what most grandparents did with their grandchildren but they were extremely close. My daughter recalls all of the books that grandma read to her and the stories that grandma told her. Grandma even taught her how to make a few favorite recipes (by having my daughter bring everything to the bed and by helping grandma with what she could not do herself). They ever wrote little stories and letters together. Just because my mother could not walk or even leave the bed did not mean that she could not be a loving grandmother.
Let us know what happens.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-29-2014 at 08:14 AM..
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