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Old 12-23-2014, 11:34 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,347,560 times
Reputation: 18705

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I am almost afraid to pose the question, but REALLY need help understanding if I am just OLD and thinking differently than people do today, or if this is just down right stupid.

Our daughter recently (this month) got divorced. We have an autistic 5 yr old grandchild.

So our daughter tells us that our grandson would LOVE a Kindle fire for kids and that is fine because we asked for ideas (would much rather spend $$ on something they want than try and "guess").

Bought it, $200 but comes with a 2 yr, kid proof warranty (not to mention she now gets her cell phone that is used to entertain him when out in public and needing redirection/distraction while waiting for service) back. Don't know how many of you have experienced an autistic childs needs, but when he is playing his game or watching something on the cell phone and sees a call come thru, he knows immediately to "hang up" on the caller or he will have to hand over the phone for the call.

Tonite, I find out her ex ALSO bought him a Kindle fire....problem is HE wants it at HIS place for him to enjoy while he is visiting him.

REALLY???!?!?!? Am I so old that I am the only one that finds this down right stupid???? You give your special needs child a Christmas gift, but will insist on maintaining custody of it for use only at your place/or when he is with you?

1st, there are other things that could have been bought to give our precious grandchild since he is already getting this device. Also, being autistic, how frustrating might it be to him NOT to have the same programs/games/whatever (I'm not up on all that) loaded on BOTH items and not understand why he can't find what he is looking for changing from one device to the other???

How would YOU as a grandparent address this??? Obviously, we have bought him the gift, and it will be under the tree for him on Christmas morning...but is there a way to AVOID this kind of stuff....or is this the new "norm" for divorced people regarding their kids.

I am TRULY trying to understand if my ex son in law is just being a jerk or if all people do this kind of thing now in a split...and IF anyone has any experience in this kind of situation, please help me understand WHY, OR how to deal with it in the future. Thanks!
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Old 12-23-2014, 11:45 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,119,545 times
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He's being a jerk but it's not uncommon......unfortunately many divorced parents pull the crap of keeping presents at their house. It's not the norm...there is no way to avoid it when it happens....your ex son in law wants to be controlling....don't engage him. That's what he wants.

It's possible to have one account on mulittle devises...but don't expect that to work with someone like this...unfortunately this guy may have to learn the hard way...and it my come at some expense to your grandson in the short term.
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Old 12-24-2014, 12:12 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,347,560 times
Reputation: 18705
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
He's being a jerk but it's not uncommon......unfortunately many divorced parents pull the crap of keeping presents at their house. It's not the norm...there is no way to avoid it when it happens....your ex son in law wants to be controlling....don't engage him. That's what he wants.

It's possible to have one account on mulittle devises...but don't expect that to work with someone like this...unfortunately this guy may have to learn the hard way...and it my come at some expense to your grandson in the short term.
Go figure...you hit the nail on the head for the reason for the divorce. Thanks for helping me realize that I am not being unreasonable in thinking this is off.
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:46 AM
 
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, originally from SF Bay Area
29,590 posts, read 54,153,327 times
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Going way back in time to when my parents divorced, (I had already married but there were still two pre-teens at home)
there was obvious competition to be the "cool" parent. While the rest of us older kids (9 in all) were basically slaves spending all of our time doing chores, and getting beat for even minor infractions, the two younger ones got everything
they wanted and more from both parents. You seem to be in the same situation. The Ex is trying to ensure that your grandchild likes to go to his home, by having the Kindle Fire there. It's unfortunate, but some parents forget to do what's best for the child in an effort to compete with their former spouse.
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Old 12-24-2014, 08:32 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,629,401 times
Reputation: 41117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka View Post
I am almost afraid to pose the question, but REALLY need help understanding if I am just OLD and thinking differently than people do today, or if this is just down right stupid.

Our daughter recently (this month) got divorced. We have an autistic 5 yr old grandchild.

So our daughter tells us that our grandson would LOVE a Kindle fire for kids and that is fine because we asked for ideas (would much rather spend $$ on something they want than try and "guess").

Bought it, $200 but comes with a 2 yr, kid proof warranty (not to mention she now gets her cell phone that is used to entertain him when out in public and needing redirection/distraction while waiting for service) back. Don't know how many of you have experienced an autistic childs needs, but when he is playing his game or watching something on the cell phone and sees a call come thru, he knows immediately to "hang up" on the caller or he will have to hand over the phone for the call.

Tonite, I find out her ex ALSO bought him a Kindle fire....problem is HE wants it at HIS place for him to enjoy while he is visiting him.

REALLY???!?!?!? Am I so old that I am the only one that finds this down right stupid???? You give your special needs child a Christmas gift, but will insist on maintaining custody of it for use only at your place/or when he is with you?

1st, there are other things that could have been bought to give our precious grandchild since he is already getting this device. Also, being autistic, how frustrating might it be to him NOT to have the same programs/games/whatever (I'm not up on all that) loaded on BOTH items and not understand why he can't find what he is looking for changing from one device to the other???

How would YOU as a grandparent address this??? Obviously, we have bought him the gift, and it will be under the tree for him on Christmas morning...but is there a way to AVOID this kind of stuff....or is this the new "norm" for divorced people regarding their kids.

I am TRULY trying to understand if my ex son in law is just being a jerk or if all people do this kind of thing now in a split...and IF anyone has any experience in this kind of situation, please help me understand WHY, OR how to deal with it in the future. Thanks!
If I buy my grandkid something that expensive, I want him to be able to use it when he is with me, not take it with him and possibly lose it.

This has nothing to do with the kid being special needs, so I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that up.

By the way, the answer to what your daughter should do when her 5yo kid figures out how to hang up on her callers, is to be a parent and take the phone away until he learns to have some respect, not give him a $200 electronic device of his own, to possibly lose or break.
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Old 12-24-2014, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,941 posts, read 17,236,141 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
He's being a jerk but it's not uncommon......unfortunately many divorced parents pull the crap of keeping presents at their house. It's not the norm...there is no way to avoid it when it happens....your ex son in law wants to be controlling....don't engage him. That's what he wants.

It's possible to have one account on mulittle devises...but don't expect that to work with someone like this...unfortunately this guy may have to learn the hard way...and it my come at some expense to your grandson in the short term.
I agree that he may just be be a jerk.

OTOH, if he keeps that toy at his house he will make sure that his child will always have something familiar to do when he visits.

I remember what happened the first time that a male friend's son came for his month long summer visitation with Dad. Dad had asked his ex-wife to send the child's favorite toys and books along with his clothes. He met his ex-wife at a spot midway between their cities and his four year old son had an over-sized children's suitcase with him. Ex-wife said to ex-husband, "Son is all set for his month visitation with you." and left.

After Dad drove home with Son he opened up the suitcase and found that it was completely empty except for a roll of toilet paper. Although, Dad did not mind (that much) buying all the clothes, underwear, pajamas, coat, etc that his son needed for the next month, his son really missed his favorite stuffed animal, favorite books, familiar lighted toy (that he used as a nightlight) and other things like that.

OP, probably your daughter would not send her son for a month long visit with just a roll of toilet paper but maybe her ex-husband does not know that for sure.

Last edited by germaine2626; 12-24-2014 at 10:03 AM..
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Old 12-24-2014, 08:52 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,629,401 times
Reputation: 41117
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I agree that he may just be be a jerk.

OTOH, if he keeps that toy at his house he will make sure that his child will always have something familiar to do when he visits.

I remember what happened the first time that a male friend's son came for his month long summer visitation with Dad. Dad had asked his ex-wife to send the child's favorite toys and books along with his clothes. He met his ex-wife at a spot midway between their house and his four year old son had an over-sized children's suitcase with him. Ex-wife said to ex-husband, "Son is all set for his month visitation with you." and left.

After Dad drove home with Son he opened up the suitcase and the found that it was completely empty except for a roll of toilet paper. Although, Dad did not mind buying all the clothes, underwear, pajamas, coat, etc that his son needed for the next month, his son really missed his favorite stuffed animal, favorite books, familiar lighted toy (that he used as a nightlight) and other things like that.

OP, perhaps your daughter would not send her son for a month long visit with just a roll of toilet paper but maybe her ex-husband does not know that for sure.
This is precisely why, when I buy something for my grandkids, it stays at my house. Because it somehow doesn't make it back to my house and then they don't have it to play with. I am not going to keep buying new toys for them, I'm a real grandma and want to spend quality time with them, not try to buy their love over & over.
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Old 12-24-2014, 08:59 AM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,261,640 times
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I'm not sure I see a problem here. I don't think it's unusual that one divorced parent wants a child to maintain a " stash" at one house that doesn't get transported all over the place.

Five year olds aren't responsible and parents often get flustered and confused when dealing with kids and their belongings. It would be easy for a Kindle Fire to be left here or there and never be found again.

When you're dealing with expensive electronics I see nothing wrong with his father wanting it left in one place only. I don't see this as your ex-son-in law trying to one up you.

This situation may come up time and again. As a grandparent there really isn't anything you have to do about it as you asked. This is between mom & dad only and this is something they have to work out between them. Please don't do or say anything that could cause problems between your daughter and her ex.

You'll find as a grandparent that you may one day have a toy chest or whatever at your home that exists solely to amuse your grandson or other grandchildren while they visit you, especially if they do overnights.
If you left them take those things out of the house, one day the kids will visit and realize that all the toys have disappeared to somewhere else. It's OK for kids to have designated toys maintained at different households.
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Old 12-24-2014, 09:40 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,347,560 times
Reputation: 18705
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
If I buy my grandkid something that expensive, I want him to be able to use it when he is with me, not take it with him and possibly lose it.

This has nothing to do with the kid being special needs, so I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that up.

By the way, the answer to what your daughter should do when her 5yo kid figures out how to hang up on her callers, is to be a parent and take the phone away until he learns to have some respect, not give him a $200 electronic device of his own, to possibly lose or break.
In response to your "it has nothing to do with being special needs so I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that up...it has EVERYTHING to do with the special needs. When he is in public and having to wait for something, you often need to keep him "entertained" with something to keep him from acting out.

The Phone apps are normally what we use in the past. Trust me, we have to wait in line for groceries, at the Dr office, at the stores, at a dining room when eating out for our food just like everyone else. A non verbal, severely autistic child can draw a LOT of very NEGATIVE attention from the general public if you are not able to distract him when he gets upset. People not dealing with this have no idea what is going on and feel that they are "being a brat" when in fact they are only trying to convey and communicate their desire/dislike/fear/uneasiness with something they have to wait for. THAT is why I brought it up. It would be nearly (if not) impossible to "reason" with him that his favorite new toy is not available to him not because we are keeping him from it, but it is being kept elsewhere, so FROM him. How I pray we could explain it to him, teach him that it's ok, it is not gone forever, daddy will have it when you go back to his place, but that is not a luxury we have as an option.

We will work on that RESPECT you feel so necessary right after we manage to get him potty trained and a couple of other basic life skills. I sometimes wonder about people that pass judgment that have never walked the walk with children that require all kinds of special "work arounds" you can not even imagine due to learning/developmental disabilities. He is normally very loving, happy and good....but if tired, upset, wet, hungry or just plain confused, he can become very "vocal" in trying to communicate to the best of his ability, HIS desires.

His expensive "watch" has drawn comments from people like you (WHY would someone buy a kid that young a watch like that???), and little do they realize that it is a GPS tracking device, locks in place daily to ensure he can not remove it (and trust me THAT is a hassle...he does not mind wearing it once on, but HATES taking it off and putting it on when it has to recharge) so that, GOD FORBID, he gets away from school, home or separated from us for any reason, we can locate him thru satellite connection since he is unable to speak and convey (or even understand) his name and address or where he belongs.

Last edited by Paka; 12-24-2014 at 10:11 AM..
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Old 12-24-2014, 09:51 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,629 posts, read 14,347,560 times
Reputation: 18705
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
I'm not sure I see a problem here. I don't think it's unusual that one divorced parent wants a child to maintain a " stash" at one house that doesn't get transported all over the place.

Five year olds aren't responsible and parents often get flustered and confused when dealing with kids and their belongings. It would be easy for a Kindle Fire to be left here or there and never be found again.

When you're dealing with expensive electronics I see nothing wrong with his father wanting it left in one place only. I don't see this as your ex-son-in law trying to one up you.

This situation may come up time and again. As a grandparent there really isn't anything you have to do about it as you asked. This is between mom & dad only and this is something they have to work out between them. Please don't do or say anything that could cause problems between your daughter and her ex.

You'll find as a grandparent that you may one day have a toy chest or whatever at your home that exists solely to amuse your grandson or other grandchildren while they visit you, especially if they do overnights.
If you left them take those things out of the house, one day the kids will visit and realize that all the toys have disappeared to somewhere else. It's OK for kids to have designated toys maintained at different households.
Thanks for your opinion, I appreciate your input.

The reason I asked (and yes, you are right, this IS between his parents) is because I was buying one for him for Christmas when I found out his dad was, so then I did not. I have gone ahead and ordered a second one for him to enjoy when he is home, but was just wondering if this sounded strange to anyone else.

FYI, mom and dad live less than 3 miles from each other in the same town.
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