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Old 02-05-2015, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,587 posts, read 41,308,371 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokensky View Post
This is not even an issue you have to address, because your MIL has not asked you for permission to have the children visit her for a week.

The silly baby talk to a child about "coming for a week" is her way of putting you on notice.

All you have to do is . . . NOTHING. Once she asks (and she may not!), all you have to say is . . . we would have to ease into overnight stays with you or anyone else.

You are not obligated to do a thing. It would not be in your child's best interest to leave her for a week at her grandmother's at this stage of her life and when she has not spent but one night away from home.

If you decide to go visit your MIL so she can spend time with the children, I would limit it to a weekend (2 nights).
Yep. Talking to the parents through the baby is so passive-aggressive.

My grandmother used to tell me the things she wanted to tell me by baby-talking them to my kids. "You tell your mama to put socks on your feet!" Etc.

OP, try not to worry about what other people think etc. Just raise your baby and do what you think is best. You are your child's only advocate. Grandma is a grown-up, and she needs to get over herself.
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Old 02-10-2015, 01:30 PM
 
2,054 posts, read 1,087,325 times
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I'm not a grandmother but my mother was one. She raised 5 children, was knowledgeable about children but would never override the parents of her grandchildren. This is your child, not your mother in laws' and it is up to you how the child should be handled. If I had been in that situation with my crying child, I would have taken my baby and left. Any future visits would be at my house.

If your mother in law doesn't talk to you, she can't know about how you intend to raise your child, about your rules and regulations (which take precedence over her actions towards your children). I would feel very uncomfortable leaving my children with her for a week. If she can't come visit you, she'll have to grandparent from afar. That's sounds harsh and it is. You are married to her son and she needs to respect that. She doesn't have to love you but she can show some basic respect. Until she does, overnight visit with the children should not be happening.
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Old 02-10-2015, 02:33 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,587,779 times
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I am a mom, mother-in-law, and a grandmother, and I wouldn't leave those kids with her either, simply because she doesn't listen to you when your baby is uncomfortable. Big time no-no.
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Old 02-10-2015, 03:21 PM
 
16,026 posts, read 19,545,118 times
Reputation: 26180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlove View Post
Seeking advice from grandmothers/Mother in Laws

My mother in law lives 5 hours away and we see her about 3/4 times a year for a day or 2 each time.
Lately we call her and let her talk to our 4 year old about once every 2 weeks so they can stay in touch between visits. The last few times she has told our daughter "you are coming to MiMi's to spend a week in the summer, you better tell mommy & daddy."
Our daughter has only spent one night away from us- when I gave birth to our latest baby & she had to.

The problem is
1.) You should ask a child's parents before you tell them they are doing something.

2.) Last month we went to visit her with our 2 month old and she held him and he started to scream. He kept on screaming so she forced his binky in his mouth to muffle his cries. I politely said "let me calm him down & I'll give him back to you." She continued to force his binky in, & told me "grandmas don't have to give baby's back, we can handle it mom." Then she walked out of the room with my son.If I did this with anyone's baby- I'd expect not to see them again. My point with this is- She wants SO BADLY to be with them that sometimes she does'nt act in their interest. If my 4 year old has anxiety issues or does'nt do well if I let her go stay- I guarantee she will not tell us in fear of having to let her be picked up early.

3. )I don't dislike her & it's not that we don't get along -it's just that I have absolutely no relationship with her. In my 6 year marriage she refuses to talk to me directly, addresses all questions (even in my presence) to my husband and will only speak to him on the phone. In fact, the only time she has spoken to me directly was to ask me if & when we were having children when we got engaged. This was no big deal to me before we had to interact regarding our children. Last year I tried sending family updates to her via email. I did'nt get anything back so I had my husband ask if she received them and she said "yes, but I thought they were going to be pictures of the kids." I admit it hurts my feelings that to her I am not worth knowing- she only wants to be involved with the kids. Anyway this only matters in regards to the fact that I need to have some sort of communication, trust & relationship with you in order to feel comfortable letting my children stay with you for long periods of time.

Is it a fair compromise if I propose that I bring our 4 year old daughter & the baby to visit her for a few days instead? I am a stay at home mom so I can just say something like "we don't have plans so why don't we all come visit." I can even take the baby & do some other things during the day if she needs grandma alone time. I understand my daughter needs a relationship with her but when we do visit she steps all over us as parents & I am not comfortable with my daughter going a week alone. Is this a fair compromise?? Maybe she would even start to communicate with me if I visit without my husband and I we can come to some common ground for the future??
She sounds like a difficult personality....pushy and demanding is a deadly duo. I would invite her to come visit you in your home....that way at least you'll have your hubby as a buffer...and the kids will have their normal routine....I would do that until your children are old enough to call you themselves, since you do not feel you can trust her yet.

I hope that you have your hubby's support going forward.....that will help immensely. You'll have to stand your ground. This type female will eat you up if you let her.

I had a MIL like that....What you will need to do is stop bending over backwards for her.....You need to earn her respect, by being a tad bit like her. Set your boundaries....do not compromise....she has not earned that yet.

These are your children....and I recognize that you are trying to meet their needs, and trying also to allow her to be their grandmother.....But, always, your children, your rules...She will have to adjust. Good luck to you.
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Old 02-10-2015, 03:32 PM
 
16,026 posts, read 19,545,118 times
Reputation: 26180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlove View Post
It does make me angry but I don't see freaking out on her making things better. Worst case scenario it could even cause tension in my marriage.
My husband is just as baffled & shocked by her change in behavior since becoming a grandma as I am.
Pre grand kids he chalked up her indifference to me to the fact that he had never brought a girl/ woman to meet his family before & we were nearing our 30s!!
So he just assumed she had no idea how to interact with me.She has never been a social person to begin with.

There had not been any grandkids in the family for 25 years, she doesn't have hobbies& had literally been sitting around waiting on this. So when they arrived she became completely overbearing.I'm thankful she loves them but I don't really deserve the disrespect. We have also tried inviting her to meet us half way to spend the day out with the kids thinking that seeing them more might make her less over zealous. She always declined stating she hates crowds, driving , eating out, the weather, etc. She only wants to keep them alone at her house. Do grandparents have to be without the parents to really bond with kids? She tells my husband that.

Other members if her family tell her things like " you deserve to see those kids more" not knowing she doesn't talk to me, we have offered & the way see behaves with them. This makes us look bad.
Here is how you remedy how you look to the family....Are you on FB with the family, her?? You post your invitation to her to come visit on FB....make a big deal out of it....What can she say....She can no longer say that you don't allow her to see the kids....
If not FB....write a family email....updates like you have.....the one she failed to acknowledge....CC that to all the family....

For me, what the family thought about me wouldn't matter as much as what my kids deserve....They deserve a grandmother that respects their Mom....is kind and caring and loving towards their Mom....And a Dad that makes sure of it!

Like I said earlier....You have got to teach this woman how to treat you. You're kind, and trying very hard to not let these disrespectful outbursts of hers become a huge issue.....But, she isn't'...She is doing the opposite.

She is making up issues...simply because she can....Your hubby needs to do more than be astounded at her behavior...He needs to have a chat with her....sit some rules...and stick to them.

Sorry that you are dealing with this....You sound like someone most of us would like very much...And a very good caring person and Mother. I hope this gets better for you.
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Old 02-12-2015, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,892,348 times
Reputation: 15647
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlove View Post

Is it a fair compromise if I propose that I bring our 4 year old daughter & the baby to visit her for a few days instead? I am a stay at home mom so I can just say something like "we don't have plans so why don't we all come visit." I can even take the baby & do some other things during the day if she needs grandma alone time. I understand my daughter needs a relationship with her but when we do visit she steps all over us as parents & I am not comfortable with my daughter going a week alone. Is this a fair compromise?? Maybe she would even start to communicate with me if I visit without my husband and I we can come to some common ground for the future??
Some questions...from a grandma:

1-First of all, how old is MIL?
2-What kinds of health issues does she have?
3-Have you observed her at the wheel of a car?
4-Would she likely take the kids out in her car if they are left with her?
5-How "careful" a person does she seem to beómostly emotions and few smarts?
6-And again, how childproof is her home?
7-She lives alone? city or rural?
8-Does she smoke or drink or take lots of meds?

These questions are all safety-related (aside from "personality), and very important for any parent to address concerning leaving their kids with grandparent(s).
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Old 02-15-2015, 11:36 AM
 
6,893 posts, read 3,367,789 times
Reputation: 2438
Is it possible to invite Grandma to you? She can spend a few days with your family. Your children will see their grandmother in a familiar environment, before going to her house as strangers. Four is young to go to an unfamiliar environment. It is a matter of readiness for your children.
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Old 03-16-2015, 06:41 AM
 
Location: Texas
96 posts, read 64,429 times
Reputation: 341
Boy can I relate! I had a MIL like that. My wedding dress was a size 6, and she called my mom and asked her if I was working on losing weight before the wedding. Mom & I kind of figured out right then that I was gonna have my hands full. After the wedding she would call and ask what we were having for dinner and when I told her she would say "Oh never cook that, he doesn't like it!". Funny thing, he ate whatever was for dinner and never complained. She would call and ask if we remembered to pay the car insurance. When my daughter was born she had dark hair and olive skin. My MIL said "Wow, looks like there was a Mexican in the woodpile". Yes, she actually said that. My husband spoke up and reminded her that he was 1/4 Cherokee which explained her coloring. I could go on and on. When she wasn't involved in things we were happy and enjoying our new life. But she could ruin things in a heartbeat and she knew it. She never accepted me and that played a huge part in our marriage not lasting. I will say tho that if your MIL insists on having the kids alone there may be a reason for that. There is no telling what she might say to your daughter about you. And at 4 kids believe adults.

When I went to the hospital to have our second child, our son, we made arrangements for our daughter to stay with my husband's parents simply because there wasn't anyone else close by. My father was in the Air Force so my parents lived across country. Mom came to be with me when my first child was born, but was ill when my son was born and wasn't able to travel. When we dropped my daughter off on the way to the hospital my MIL said to me "Just don't get your feelings hurt if she doesn't want to go home with you when you come to get her". Yep, her parting words to me. I knew that wouldn't be the case so I didn't worry about it, but it was still very thoughtless and rude and it would have hurt if I didn't already know how hateful she was. Needless to say my daughter was more than ready to see me when we went to get her.

And it's so hard for me to understand why some MILs act that way. Personally I think it's because they have to move over for another woman in their son's life and it's jealousy that makes them act that way. The spouses of my kids are just like my own kids, I love them both very much and they love me too. How do I know? Because of the way they treat me and talk to me, things they do for me, the hugs I get from them, even more than from my own kids.

Anyway, they are your kids and you & hubby get to make the rules. Period. If MIL doesn't like it, she can just get glad in the same britches she got mad in. Plus, I agree that 4 is pretty young to be spending the night away from home. It's not like you can hop in the car and drive a few miles to get her. Also, I mention again that you have no idea what kind of things your MIL might say and there's no reason to risk that when your daughter is only 4. Good luck with things, it sounds like you have your hands full with your MIL.
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Old 07-09-2015, 10:19 AM
 
193 posts, read 202,003 times
Reputation: 367
Well, this situation has gone from bad to worse...I guess she gave up on the overnight stay cause she stopped asking. However, her behavior with the kids has escalated. She recently came to town for our above mentioned daughter's 5th birthday. She walked into the party-took the baby off my hip-no hello to me, no asking, nothing. He started to cry (we only see her 3/4 times a year at the most. I asked for him back, she walked out of the room with him- I followed and took him forcibly from her. I asked her to please play with him on the floor first and told her that if she waited to pick him up he would probably do ok with her. NOTE- she only behaves like this when my DH is not around.

Later during party I had my son for a second because he had started to cry. He calmed down and was on my hip when another guest asked to hold him. He went to the person and was doing fine. Then my mother in law saw this-went over to the person and said "you live her, you can hold him anytime -give him to his grandma." Then I realized she had taken him out to the parking lot to be alone with him after taking him from my friend. I am FINE with normal behavior around my baby and even letting people pass him (if hes not freaking out) but this stuff makes me immediately on edge and uncomfortable. Why would I ever leave my kids with her if she does this??

Later-she come to my house & does the "you should clean", "raise your kids this way", trying to discipline my older kids having her "I am entitled to rearrange your routine because this is my grandbaby & will hold him the entire time I'm here "thing."

So now- forget the overnight,"alone time" thing. How do I stop this cycle of her being pushy? I KNOW she does'nt see them often in part because I'm not very welcoming but how can I be welcome when everything I say as a parent is disrespected? It's a cycle and it's got to stop because I'm actually dreading my kid's parties & holidays. I also don't want to cut her off- it will damage my marriage & the kids will miss out on knowing her.

DH has only talked to her once in his life and it was another issue entirely - (she took pictures of me shortly after delivery, nursing etc, without warning or asking and passed them around at church) and now still to this day she will say to my kids "we can't take pictures of mommy-she might not look pretty." Which is NOT what I meant. I meant only to ask at moments that are sensitive. So I'm really scared of how she will interpret this conversation.

Grandmas MILs- HELP!!!!
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Old 07-09-2015, 10:36 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,587,779 times
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WOW!!! She has issues!!!

I would put my foot down with my husband and tell him she is no longer welcome in your home. She reminds me of my SIL who took off with my grandchild and was gone for 8 hours and wouldn't answer her phone. I almost beat her ass when she brought him back, but my MIL wouldn't let me. She is not allowed in my home ever again.
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