Does your grown children's revisionist history hurt or bother you? (gifts, selfish)
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I guess for people that have never experienced this or are guilty of it themselves there is no explaining...even if others have repeatedly said it's not about just a parent doing something the child disagrees with (no matter what the age of the child).
And believe me....if the OP is this dismissive of the daughters and step sons now....she was back then as well.
Look, there are legitimate reasons to harbor resentment toward a parent. That your mother made you change your outfit one day when you were 10 is NOT one of them. If you hold onto things like this from childhood and let them bother you at 50 years old, it is you who has the problem.
That's just not fair to assume. The feelings we expect from a child are very different than those we expect from an adult. How would respond to a 50 year old son who cried because his new goldfish died? Probably a lot different than a 5 year old, no?
Look, there are legitimate reasons to harbor resentment toward a parent. That your mother made you change your outfit one day when you were 10 is NOT one of them. If you hold onto things like this from childhood and let them bother you at 50 years old, it is you who has the problem.
That's just not fair to assume. The feelings we expect from a child are very different than those we expect from an adult. How would respond to a 50 year old son who cried because his new goldfish died? Probably a lot different than a 5 year old, no?
How many times do you have to be told this is not about a child being told no or to change clothes?? This is a point you seem to refuse to understand for some reason.
I don't understand why some of you insist that the mom is right, daughter is wrong. We have only one side of the story, which lacks a lot of details. Some of us have been through this. If you haven't, congratulations. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
Maybe the daughter needs to seek some therapy or other means of healing, but that doesn't make her feelings any less real or less valid. Being told to change her clothes is a symptom of the real issue. The daughter was probably told over and over to change her clothes or her hair, or whatever else her mom didn't approve of. It isn't the clothes, it is the disapproval from the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I'm telling you, I've been through this. Any one thing alone sounds petty or unimportant. Together, they all shape the emotional health of the child. That emotional health can last a lifetime.
The fact that the mom is clueless about this, so much so that she thinks the daughter is making it up, just adds to the problem.
How many times do you have to be told this is not about a child being told no or to change clothes?? This is a point you seem to refuse to understand for some reason.
The OP mentioned two things: Selling the book and the changing of clothes. That you think it's about anything else is nothing more than an assumption on your part. That's what you don't seem to understand. Unlike you, I'm not trying to play drug-store therapist. From the very beginning, you've presumed the OP to be a self-centered revisionist who didn't pay attention to her child. And why? Because you assume she's like your mother. You have absolutely no facts to base that on, only your own personal experience with your parents. I'm responding to the OP that was offered and, until I'm given more information, will accept it as true. Based on what we know, the daughter is being unreasonable. If she comes on and posts a different side of it, I'll respond accordingly.
I don't understand why some of you insist that the mom is right, daughter is wrong. We have only one side of the story, which lacks a lot of details. Some of us have been through this. If you haven't, congratulations. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
OK, so let's all just call the OP a liar and close the thread. No discussion necessary. We have to work with what we were given.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
Maybe the daughter needs to seek some therapy or other means of healing, but that doesn't make her feelings any less real or less valid. Being told to change her clothes is a symptom of the real issue. The daughter was probably told over and over to change her clothes or her hair, or whatever else her mom didn't approve of. It isn't the clothes, it is the disapproval from the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I'm telling you, I've been through this. Any one thing alone sounds petty or unimportant. Together, they all shape the emotional health of the child. That emotional health can last a lifetime.
The fact that the mom is clueless about this, so much so that she thinks the daughter is making it up, just adds to the problem.
You're doing the same as the other poster. Assuming a whole lot of things about the OP's parenting based on nothing more than your own personal experience. The OP was not your mother. To assume she's like her based on this one post is just not fair.
OK, so let's all just call the OP a liar and close the thread. No discussion necessary. We have to work with what we were given. You're doing the same as the other poster. Assuming a whole lot of things about the OP's parenting based on nothing more than your own personal experience. The OP was not your mother. To assume she's like her based on this one post is just not fair.
Read the op again. She says "many times" and gives 2 examples. Do you really think the daughter made it up?
Read the op again. She says "many times" and gives 2 examples. Do you really think the daughter made it up?
That and from the very start she claims the daughter is the one being revisionist refusing to even entertain the idea that maybe the daughter is the one that's correct...and then goes on to prescribe similar motives to a step son.....talk about a pattern!
OK, so let's all just call the OP a liar and close the thread. No discussion necessary. We have to work with what we were given.
Or we can just say yes OP is right, shame on the horrible daughter. No discussion necessary, lets just give the OP whatever validation she may have been seeking and close the thread.
Look, we are only getting one side of the story, so none of us really knows who is truly at fault for the problems between them, probably both of them share some blame.
Would it be unreasonable to expect OP be willing to say "Hey, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. If I did things to hurt you I'm sorry, it was unintentional. Let's talk about it."
Isn't that better than just calling the daughter childish, resentful, and accusing her of making up petty grievances? How does it help the relationship to dismiss her feelings as being unreasonable?
Or we can just say yes OP is right, shame on the horrible daughter. No discussion necessary, lets just give the OP whatever validation she may have been seeking and close the thread.
I don't think that's a good response either, but no one is saying that. Instead, some are creating reasons out of thin air to blame the mother and then justifying it by saying we haven't heard the daughter's side. Of course it's understood there's another side to it, but this is her perspective, so my opinion is based on what the OP is telling us. I was hoping she would stick around to clarify some things, but without that happening, I don't think it's fair to assume the OP was a bad mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT
Would it be unreasonable to expect OP be willing to say "Hey, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. If I did things to hurt you I'm sorry, it was unintentional. Let's talk about it."
Isn't that better than just calling the daughter childish, resentful, and accusing her of making up petty grievances? How does it help the relationship to dismiss her feelings as being unreasonable?
I think the daughter is being childish, resentful and, based on the examples, petty. You may not agree these issues are petty, but would it be unreasonable to expect a 50 year-old woman to bring up the subject in an adult manner? Like, "Mom, can I talk to you?" How receptive and understanding is one supposed to be when someone just makes snide remarks? That's pretty immature, no? I think most people would be peeved by that, coming from their children or anyone else.
I think if the relationship were healthy or if it weren't a parent/child relationship it would be one thing. I think that possibly the power balance (sorry, not the best phrase but I can't think how to word it better) between the two might be such that the daughter may too afraid to come right out with the problem, so yes, she resorts to jibes instead.
Just not enough info here, and I hope that the fact the OP hasn't come back does not mean that she was simply seeking validation rather than possible solutions.
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