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Old 03-03-2015, 05:10 PM
 
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If you do ever decide to hear her out an apologize, it might mean a lot if you went to the effort to find her favorite book and give it back. Maybe in the future a family portrait in pants - little silly things to show you care about her feelings and are sorry if she was hurt. I'm no perfect parent, so I expect having to take ownership and do some of these things as well.
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Old 03-03-2015, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
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Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I've been thinking about this for awhile and I need to vent. My oldest child is approaching 50, and many times she reports about something in her childhood that I did, that seems made up, and its never good. It is never important things, but things that read to me as a dig. Like I sold her favorite book at a garage sale, or I made her change out of jeans for a family portrait, even though the pants didn't show, for example. Stupid stuff, that seems to be a symptom of deeper resentment.

The latest thing that set me off is, lately my step son, who we raised from the age of 12, because his mother had the maternal instincts of a box of rocks, through all the challenging years, is practically nominating his mother for sainthood on Facebook, and can't even make it to our house to see his father one time in four years. His father, my husband, has always been a devoted father.

Thankfully, our two other boys do not do these things, so I feel pretty good about our parenting over the years. Like Oprah said, "If we could have done better, we would have done better", and we weren't perfect, but we had a normal loving household. I can't believe how much I'm stewing about this.
I don't have any thoughts about the step son, but I do have a few about the daughter. I think the OP has not meant to give her daughter a hard time. But the daughter is resentful about some things, so the OP needs to pay attention to this. It is possible that she really knows why, but doesn't want to face some things.

But it is also possible that she sincerely does not. I think she should talk to her daughter at a time when they are not likely to be interrupted, and when the daughter is not tense and irritable. I think she should tell her that she always loved her, and wanted the best for her, even if she sometimes was sometimes not as kind as she could have been. Then she needs to hear what the daughter has to say. She needs to listen and pay attention to what she has to say. If the daughter expresses hurt, she needs to acknowledge the hurt. I think the dialogue could lead to a better understanding between them.

My experience with my mother in my adulthood was different. We had a difficult relationship, always. I actually do blame my mom, although I didn't conduct myself toward her as well as I would have liked in my adulthood. But I believe my mom was sorry for her bad actions, and she tried to make it up to me as best she could. She supported me several times when I needed her help, and she complimented me on my children as I was bringing them up. I have forgiven her, but sometimes I can't completely forgive myself.

I think a frank talk about feelings between mother and daughter might resolve some of this. If the OP is afraid of doing this alone, then she might find a trusted third party to assist her.
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