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I've been thinking about this for awhile and I need to vent. My oldest child is approaching 50, and many times she reports about something in her childhood that I did, that seems made up, and its never good. It is never important things, but things that read to me as a dig. Like I sold her favorite book at a garage sale, or I made her change out of jeans for a family portrait, even though the pants didn't show, for example. Stupid stuff, that seems to be a symptom of deeper resentment.
The latest thing that set me off is, lately my step son, who we raised from the age of 12, because his mother had the maternal instincts of a box of rocks, through all the challenging years, is practically nominating his mother for sainthood on Facebook, and can't even make it to our house to see his father one time in four years. His father, my husband, has always been a devoted father.
Thankfully, our two other boys do not do these things, so I feel pretty good about our parenting over the years. Like Oprah said, "If we could have done better, we would have done better", and we weren't perfect, but we had a normal loving household. I can't believe how much I'm stewing about this.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Do you suppose at only age 50 her memory could be better than yours?
Your stepson must have some reason that you don't know about, and unless he wants to share that with you I would suggest that you try hard to let it go. It could be some long term resentment from an incident with his father, some special relationship with his mother or even something he know about her health.
Do you suppose at only age 50 her memory could be better than yours?
Your stepson must have some reason that you don't know about, and unless he wants to share that with you I would suggest that you try hard to let it go. It could be some long term resentment from an incident with his father, some special relationship with his mother or even something he know about her health.
Oh, of course, we let it go. We are the ones who let everything go, and yet, that isn't enough, I guess.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I will say, though, that my dad swore up and down he never said something I vividly remember him saying (i.e., if I didn't take better care of my clothes he would take them all away and send me to school in a towel). I'd swear up and down that he did say it. Only one of us can be right, and my dad is not a liar. Maybe you forgot.
My parents have no memory of some of the most damaging things they said or did when I was growing up. Luckily, I have my brother to confirm some of the crazier things (like threatening to send us to the "foster care people" any time we misbehaved who would "kick us down the stairs and put out cigarettes on our arms"). My parents call it revisionist history, too - and they're a lot younger than you. Sometimes I think my mom blacked out all the horrible things she said and did when we were growing up because she truly has no memory when for me, my most vivid memories of childhood are devoid of any happy moments.
Exactly.
I don't know why she is bringing up lame stuff pointlessly, but it is more likely YOU don't remember.
I notice the day-to-day stuff is remembered less and less the older we get...but I still remember kid stuff clearly.
Maybe she's bringing it up BECAUSE it's not remembered and therefore not acknowledged? Kids - even adult kids with children of their own - still seek validation from their parents. The daughter isn't getting that and, worse, told she's lying about traumas that are very real to her.
I suspect that your daughter's memory is better than you think, and those moments that seemed meaningless to you were formative and memorable for her.
So very true. Like another poster, fortunately I have a sister that bore witness. I went into counseling at age 50 to finish off unfinished family business specifically with my mother. My counselor said that it's very common for people in their mid-life to deal with left over baggage often tackling the most difficult parent at that time. It's not like your daughter is dredging things up to hurt you though it might. She has some unfinished business, piddling (and forgettable) to you perhaps but formative to her.
This was kind of my point, I guess, that the things being brought up are not important, but the motive might be.
As for my stepson, his mother, who let him down as a child, married a rich guy and so they had a beach house in the summer, which my son was "able" to find time to visit. I guess if his Dad and I, just regular schumcks who worked hard to raise him, could afford lavish beach houses, we would get more attention too.
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