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Old 03-04-2015, 08:22 PM
 
13,136 posts, read 20,702,481 times
Reputation: 35314

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Write her a letter? Seriously?

How about sitting her down in the living room and telling her what she did is completely inappropriate to her face.

Then go and clean out her room of everything except her bed and clothing, take her cell phone, take her computer, take all her gadgets and keep them until she is legally and financially responsible for herself.

The Grandfather did what he knew best and I would have gotten the same treatment had I mouthed off to my Grandfather and disrespected him.
Yes, seriously. Her actions were inappropriate, I agree. But I see no good coming out of further alienating this girl by strong arm discipline. Her mother left, and her grandfather hit her, her father needs to fill a lot a lot of roles right now. If she won't speak to him, a letter is a great way to reach out.

Since when do grandparents override parents when it comes to discipline?
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:29 PM
 
Location: Texas
618 posts, read 513,738 times
Reputation: 1910
Quote:
Originally Posted by doz884 View Post
I tried talking with her, she just refuses and stays in her room. I really dont know how to aproach her about this. She is deeply hurt, seems like. I havent talked with my father neither yet, but I doubt he would apologize. She would not neither, thats for sure.

As a former teenaged girl, I used this method to guilt my parents into many things (new clothes, trips, getting away with punishment, etc.). It always worked. By the way you described the event, she doesn't seem like the type to have her feelings hurt by this but rather just the opposite. She seems pissed off and is going to "punish" you and grandfather by making you two feel guilty with the whole self starving, self isolation thing.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:45 PM
 
3,067 posts, read 2,497,472 times
Reputation: 3608
Meh, I agree with others--think about the situation for a moment, your 17 year old sexual teenage daughter is skyping with a boy half-naked, not aware apparently of the implications of it all. The recklessness of doing that(and possibly being recorded), the ideas it gives the boy that she's doing it for, what it says about her that she would find these actions appropriate in your household, and what the conversation was probably escalating to(if it already hasn't happened). You aren't there, so your father decides to come in and intervene--scolds her and tells her off. Then you come home, see it all, and immediately try to confront him and get him out the room(which was sort of undermining his reprimanding) and she sees this, and picks up on the fact that he's not in control, you are, and you are most likely passive with discipline and with her in general, and she decides to add fuel to the fire and talk back to him(with you being there and all). Then, he gets angry, because he sees it for what it is, a spoiled girl, who controls the household, and is being inappropriate within the household, who has no respect for elders(and probably you) and he gets pissed and reacts without thinking.

As an outside person, I'll say this, your daughter is probably spoiled, disrespectful, and gets away with what she wants.I could tell because you were upset because she wouldn't eat dinner with you, because she always does, and oh my gosh she's crying. The horrors. Embedded in that language is someone who is used to kissing her butt and having things run smoothly by giving in when the going gets tough. You don't even know what to do when she's upset with you. Look your kid will not always like you and the things you do, they'll cry, they might secretly swear that they hate you, etc. Tough s***. So she's upset and won't eat. When she's calmed down then talk with her one on one about the situation. Then have a conversation with your father there where you all can calmly talk about what happened and how to prevent it in the future. But you don't need to write her a letter. If she still won't respond to you, then give her the night to calm down. Your father can apologize to her when things have calmed down(and he should). On the same hand she'll need to apologize to him for being disrespectful as well. And you will need to talk with her about the skype thing, and address that with a punishment.

But yes the grandfather was out of line. However, it surprises me that this is your only concern. Think about what your daughter was doing before the altercation took place. And think about how she was disrespectful to your father. There's a parenting problem going on here. And I bet this isn't the first time she's been disrespectful.

Teenagers tend to be rebellious, and say and do things that can make a parent cry. But as a parent, you hold the reins, you have the control, it's your home. I did a lot of crazy things at 17, but one thing I knew better was how to talk to my parents--no matter how much I wanted to, I would NEVER be disrespectful to their faces. Why? I knew they would kick my a**. I was AFRAID of them and the repurcussions of my actions if I were to get out of line. And this fear was created when I was younger. They let me know who was in control of the household, when I did bad things, when I was disrespectful, when I thought I had control--they reacted. I was spanked, then when I got too old for spankings I received scoldings, punishments, and several different measures to address my behavior and reinforce that I did not run their household and the my actions would have reactions.

By the time I was 17, I knew I needed to stay in my lane. Your daughter doesn't. Fix that. And in terms of your father, well yes you need to talk with him. It is your home. You are the boss. He can comment if he wants, but at the end of the day, your her father and you have a say in how she's being raised, even if he disagrees. You need to assert that.

Honestly, you sound incredibly passive. Perhaps family counseling is in order?
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Old 03-05-2015, 06:25 AM
 
493 posts, read 389,956 times
Reputation: 505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post
Meh, I agree with others--think about the situation for a moment, your 17 year old sexual teenage daughter is skyping with a boy half-naked, not aware apparently of the implications of it all. The recklessness of doing that(and possibly being recorded), the ideas it gives the boy that she's doing it for, what it says about her that she would find these actions appropriate in your household, and what the conversation was probably escalating to(if it already hasn't happened). You aren't there, so your father decides to come in and intervene--scolds her and tells her off. Then you come home, see it all, and immediately try to confront him and get him out the room(which was sort of undermining his reprimanding) and she sees this, and picks up on the fact that he's not in control, you are, and you are most likely passive with discipline and with her in general, and she decides to add fuel to the fire and talk back to him(with you being there and all). Then, he gets angry, because he sees it for what it is, a spoiled girl, who controls the household, and is being inappropriate within the household, who has no respect for elders(and probably you) and he gets pissed and reacts without thinking.

As an outside person, I'll say this, your daughter is probably spoiled, disrespectful, and gets away with what she wants.I could tell because you were upset because she wouldn't eat dinner with you, because she always does, and oh my gosh she's crying. The horrors. Embedded in that language is someone who is used to kissing her butt and having things run smoothly by giving in when the going gets tough. You don't even know what to do when she's upset with you. Look your kid will not always like you and the things you do, they'll cry, they might secretly swear that they hate you, etc. Tough s***. So she's upset and won't eat. When she's calmed down then talk with her one on one about the situation. Then have a conversation with your father there where you all can calmly talk about what happened and how to prevent it in the future. But you don't need to write her a letter. If she still won't respond to you, then give her the night to calm down. Your father can apologize to her when things have calmed down(and he should). On the same hand she'll need to apologize to him for being disrespectful as well. And you will need to talk with her about the skype thing, and address that with a punishment.

But yes the grandfather was out of line. However, it surprises me that this is your only concern. Think about what your daughter was doing before the altercation took place. And think about how she was disrespectful to your father. There's a parenting problem going on here. And I bet this isn't the first time she's been disrespectful.

Teenagers tend to be rebellious, and say and do things that can make a parent cry. But as a parent, you hold the reins, you have the control, it's your home. I did a lot of crazy things at 17, but one thing I knew better was how to talk to my parents--no matter how much I wanted to, I would NEVER be disrespectful to their faces. Why? I knew they would kick my a**. I was AFRAID of them and the repurcussions of my actions if I were to get out of line. And this fear was created when I was younger. They let me know who was in control of the household, when I did bad things, when I was disrespectful, when I thought I had control--they reacted. I was spanked, then when I got too old for spankings I received scoldings, punishments, and several different measures to address my behavior and reinforce that I did not run their household and the my actions would have reactions.

By the time I was 17, I knew I needed to stay in my lane. Your daughter doesn't. Fix that. And in terms of your father, well yes you need to talk with him. It is your home. You are the boss. He can comment if he wants, but at the end of the day, your her father and you have a say in how she's being raised, even if he disagrees. You need to assert that.

Honestly, you sound incredibly passive. Perhaps family counseling is in order?
Right the fact that he's more worried about getting a lash than the fact his daughter is skying naked and has the audacity to be rude about it is strange.

If my parents spanked my son I would talk to each separately but since they adore him he probably did something outrageous and I wouldnt get involved to much except telling them next time come to me first I'll handle it.
Whenever I sulked as a kid I pulled on my fathers heart strings and he gave in im sure thats what she's doing.
Your daughter is 17 and should know by now where, when, and who to show respect to she not a little kid.
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:34 AM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,034,037 times
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I vote for natural consequences for each party

Grand dad can't be alone with the children any more.

Daughter can't have access to computers without supervision. And phones gets monitored and checked daily.
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Old 03-05-2015, 07:38 AM
 
4 posts, read 6,988 times
Reputation: 10
Uh, of course that I am worried about the skyping part as well, that is my main concern. But I was supposed to deal with it, not him. Hitting a child, let alone a girl, who is in her teens... Thats just a big no-no.

I dont think that she is trying to fool me, because she is honest and nice kid. When she does something, she is not lying about it. And she is a real young lady, so I dont know why she thought that going on camera like that is fine.

I went in her room today, hugged her and asked her to talk. We were talking about the issues and she understands that what she did was wrong. About the disrespect part, she said that her grandpa had no right to tell her stuff and be harsh like that and she refuses to apologize. She insulted him again, shd says that she felt really hurt when he hit her. She mentioned the police, she said that she doesnt want to involve them though. But she refuses to be at home when her grandpa would come and she says she wont talk to him anymore. Mabye she is just mad.
I still dont know if I should punish her and how. She already feels bad about the whole situation and what she did, but she is sad. I can see that and I dont want that. I will continue talking to her about this, but I am just not sure if a punishment is really neccessery.

My daughter also doesnt want her mother to know about this. Should I respect that?

And no, my kid is not a brat and I dont do everything she asks for. We do what we both like, with talking and making a deal. Understanding eachother. I dont know why would you say that, when you dont even know her.
However, I appreciate your time and advices.
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:27 AM
 
141 posts, read 119,134 times
Reputation: 310
Get over it. She wasn't beaten up or raped, or abused. She was punished for what she did by apparently the only person with some balls in your house. She doesn't need hug, she won't be traumatized by it, she is playing you.

Honest and nice kid? Getting caught having cyber sex then mouthing off about is what honest and nice kids do? How did you deal with her transgressions, by the way? At the moment it seems to me like you are encouraging her behaviour and soothing her for being held accountable.

Personally, I would have slapped her the moment she disrespected her grandfather again. But I think it's too late now, congratulations for being her friend, and not her parent (and I honestly thought you were her mother, seeing how I tend to think women are weaker and more afraid of their children than fathers are).
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:42 AM
 
13,754 posts, read 14,586,093 times
Reputation: 11459
the first thing you should do is get your daughter on birth control. she is just shy of being 18 and a legal adult. if you are not comfortable talking with her about sex, get a woman friend to do so. she needs to be on birth control. you can not stop her from being sexual at her age. you can only hope with talking and education that she will be more "wise" to what it is she is doing.

as to your father, if it was my dad he would no longer be welcome in my house. it is one thing to scold the child but another to remove his belt hit her with it, then slap his face. I would also tell him he is lucky that you didn't call the police. it is assault plain and simple. I would respect your daughter's wishes and allow her to not be around him when he comes to your house.
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:43 AM
 
13,754 posts, read 14,586,093 times
Reputation: 11459
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tacere View Post
Get over it. She wasn't beaten up or raped, or abused. She was punished for what she did by apparently the only person with some balls in your house. She doesn't need hug, she won't be traumatized by it, she is playing you.

Honest and nice kid? Getting caught having cyber sex then mouthing off about is what honest and nice kids do? How did you deal with her transgressions, by the way? At the moment it seems to me like you are encouraging her behaviour and soothing her for being held accountable.

Personally, I would have slapped her the moment she disrespected her grandfather again. But I think it's too late now, congratulations for being her friend, and not her parent (and I honestly thought you were her mother, seeing how I tend to think women are weaker and more afraid of their children than fathers are).
because violence works so well with children you are parenting.
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Old 03-05-2015, 08:49 AM
 
141 posts, read 119,134 times
Reputation: 310
Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
because violence works so well with children you are parenting.
Usually, I am very anti-violence, but sometimes it's the only thing brats will understand.
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