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Old 03-31-2015, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Australia
1 posts, read 1,124 times
Reputation: 10

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I sympathise with your situation, but coming from a similar situation, I can suggest a few things.
Firstly, its not ALL about you!
Many of us out there battle with illness everyday, & income issues, but its their attitude that matters!
If your relationship has not been close with your son, then its going to be hard to bond with the little one. Its going to take time & patience!
Travelling with a 2 y.o. is never easy, it is easier for children to be in their own environment for sleeping times etc. & I suspect that your son & daughter in law both work & raising children is very different in the 21st century!
Its natural for them to see the in-laws that live closer, so try not to compete with them.
Have they been welcoming when you stay with them? or did you spend the visiting time dramatizing? Nobody likes a bad guest! Helping around the house helps too!
Try & stay positive! is there anything that you can do to help them, could you babysit while they had a date night, offer to, next time they visited your city!
DO NOT spread your disappointment all over Facebook!..once its in cyberspace, its there for good! Provide positive comments on FB, with suggestions of events & that they can visit you too, not demands.
Send birthday cards, make sure you remember that you call him/her on their birthday..kids love getting a phone call just for them!
Have you considered Skype? a great way for grandparents to stay in touch & the kiddies love it!
Also kids love grannies that are up with the latest kid "stuff"! Do your research! Familarise yourself with age appropriate trends, their interests, TV shows etc. If in doubt, ask their parents.
I hope this helps!
Sadly, my kids relationship with their grandmother is at an all time low. Last weekend she yelled & swore at my 16 y.o. daughter, for texting on the iPhone instead of giving grandma her full attention and told us we were bad parents(in front of the kids). The tantrum scared my kids, & they have told me that they don't want to see her ever again!
Please don't let your relationship get to this!
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Old 03-31-2015, 07:47 PM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,032,473 times
Reputation: 23927
Another piece of advice...praise. Kids need it. Adult kids need it.

A genuine "son, I am so proud of the man you have become. You picked such a wonderful woman to have a family with" goes so far
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:01 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,448,231 times
Reputation: 9799
Quote:
Originally Posted by mithril View Post
I sympathise with your situation, but coming from a similar situation, I can suggest a few things.
Firstly, its not ALL about you!
Many of us out there battle with illness everyday, & income issues, but its their attitude that matters!
If your relationship has not been close with your son, then its going to be hard to bond with the little one. Its going to take time & patience!
Travelling with a 2 y.o. is never easy, it is easier for children to be in their own environment for sleeping times etc. & I suspect that your son & daughter in law both work & raising children is very different in the 21st century!
Its natural for them to see the in-laws that live closer, so try not to compete with them.
Have they been welcoming when you stay with them? or did you spend the visiting time dramatizing? Nobody likes a bad guest! Helping around the house helps too!
Try & stay positive! is there anything that you can do to help them, could you babysit while they had a date night, offer to, next time they visited your city!
DO NOT spread your disappointment all over Facebook!..once its in cyberspace, its there for good! Provide positive comments on FB, with suggestions of events & that they can visit you too, not demands.
Send birthday cards, make sure you remember that you call him/her on their birthday..kids love getting a phone call just for them!
Have you considered Skype? a great way for grandparents to stay in touch & the kiddies love it!
Also kids love grannies that are up with the latest kid "stuff"! Do your research! Familarise yourself with age appropriate trends, their interests, TV shows etc. If in doubt, ask their parents.
I hope this helps!
Sadly, my kids relationship with their grandmother is at an all time low. Last weekend she yelled & swore at my 16 y.o. daughter, for texting on the iPhone instead of giving grandma her full attention and told us we were bad parents(in front of the kids). The tantrum scared my kids, & they have told me that they don't want to see her ever again!
Please don't let your relationship get to this!
Yes, this. My child has asked not to spend time alone with one grandparent because she is unsettled by the unexpected outbursts. This grandparent has an ax to grind, and it doesn't matter when or where. So we keep it light and i make sure she isn't alone with that grandparent for a long time.
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Old 04-12-2015, 04:37 PM
 
5,423 posts, read 2,892,270 times
Reputation: 24318
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post

Stop FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY playing out your family drama on facebook. That is bat**** insane and it is DEFINITELY one of the reasons that you don't see your son and his family that much. That alone would be enough for me to shut you down if I was your kid.
Agree, agree, agree! Leave Facebook out of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
My father is 83 and he has a whole social life at the local Barnes & Noble - he talks to anyone and loves asking people about their lives and what they're reading. It's like the man has groupies. Most of his friends are dead, but he has this whole world at a retail store around the corner, where he falls asleep on the furniture on a regular basis.
^ I love this!
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Old 04-12-2015, 04:41 PM
 
5,423 posts, read 2,892,270 times
Reputation: 24318
Quote:
Originally Posted by mithril View Post
Its natural for them to see the in-laws that live closer, so try not to compete with them.
I also think it is natural because they are the Mom's family. I already know the day I have grandchildren I have to be the most awesome Grandmother because I have all sons and let's face it, the Mom rules.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,300 posts, read 35,841,586 times
Reputation: 62662
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Look, the household you describe your children growing up in is a hugely dysfunctional scenario, and there's quite a bit of dysfunction in the way you describe publicly calling your children out on facebook.

My father is an absolute jerk. I blame him for the bulk of the problems within my parents' marriage, but I'm still closer to him than I am to my mother. But he's been a great dad (and he was not abusive towards my mother). My dad has been unrelentingly proud of me, and when I call him out on his behavior and set boundaries, he responds in a positive way. He has had my back through some of the most difficult times of my life.

My mother - who most people see as sunshine and light - took her unhappiness out on me during her 25-year marriage. I never got to know her until she divorced my father and created a happy life for herself - I was 30. While I was growing up she was hugely critical of me, frequently emotionally abusive and manipulative, willfully blind about some of my problems, and determined to live vicariously through me. I find every moment in her presence to be uncomfortable. I love her, I really do, but I take no joy from my visits with her or phone calls from her. As she has become a happier person, she had become more observant and respectful of my boundaries and that makes it easier. That's what keeps me coming back to visit.

But she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that she was a less-than-perfect mother - any attempt to talk about it rationally just results in screaming personal attacks. When I'm around her, I feel like I'm playing along with a script, and if I deviate from it I'm going to set off a ticking bomb. I work hard to maintain a relationship with her because she DID fight to make sure I had a lot of advantages in my life that my father didn't think were important, and a lot of my happiness today is the result of her pushing me when I was younger. So I owe her for that. But I also can't help but acknowledge the fact that she very obviously planned to reap the benefits of my success (too bad I'm not THAT successful) by encouraging me to marry for wealth and give her lots of grandchildren (and a shore house).

And she just WANTS so much from me. She wants to spend time with me. She wants me to give her grandchildren. She wants me to visit her (but won't visit me, though she takes plenty of cruises). She is an endless pit of need when I'm around her, and I feel like no matter how much I give it will never be enough. Ironically, if I'm being completely honest, part of the reason I don't have kids is that I have a deep-seated fear that I will become a mother like her.

I believe my mother's marriage emotionally stunted her - my father did not treat her with a great deal of regard and was happy to take her for granted. I knew he was a jerk - he also treated a lot of the other people in his life like crap. But it was my mother who would react angrily when I'd call him out on his behavior. I even remember her slapping my face one time when I was grousing to her about how horribly my father had behaved on one occasion toward another person.

So here's the thing. You made a choice to handle your abusive husband a certain way. You shielded your sons from his behavior, when you should have removed them from his life. You let them have what they thought was a great father, and now you want to take that away from them by opening up about the abuse. That puts them in a terrible position.

And staying in that marriage warped you. You tried your best under the conditions, but I guarantee you that marriage affected how you parented your children in a negative way. They only saw that negative parenting from you and not the things you hid from them. You abetted their father in that respect. You're asking them to deny a reality that you and their father both fed them. That's hard for anyone to do.

You've been through the wringer - I'm not going to deny it. But you laid the foundations for this outcome with your choices, as well-intentioned as they were. So you've got to deal with the reality of your situation and not what you WISH things were like.

Here's my advice:

Stop selling your possessions to buy them gifts - that's crazy and is only something that would drive them further away if they knew. You're on a fixed income and you need that money - be realistic. Your kids get a card, the baby gets a small stuffed animal or something. That's it.

Stop FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY playing out your family drama on facebook. That is bat**** insane and it is DEFINITELY one of the reasons that you don't see your son and his family that much. That alone would be enough for me to shut you down if I was your kid.

Stop fetishizing your grandson. Your son may be wary of providing you much access to him because you are so desperate about him. He's 2. He's a child. He cannot be the sole source of happiness for you - you are there for him, not the other way around.

Find some kind of happiness in your life. I realize that seems impossible when you're alone, broke and ill, but you need to accept your past choices and mistakes and your current situation. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, but what I've found is that happiness is work. I spend a lot of time appreciating "stupid" things, like how warm I feel under a blanket or how wonderful it is to sit in a ray of sunshine. Go to the park and make some friends or try anything you can to build out your life independently of your children. My father is 83 and he has a whole social life at the local Barnes & Noble - he talks to anyone and loves asking people about their lives and what they're reading. It's like the man has groupies. Most of his friends are dead, but he has this whole world at a retail store around the corner, where he falls asleep on the furniture on a regular basis. This matters because...

You need to be upbeat, positive and non-accusatory when you deal with your family. You need to be... unneedy. Can the desperation and facebook-shaming, stay positive and reach out on occasion from a position of strength, not need.

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but that's all I got.
Wow - this post nails it. I got nothin after this one! OP, listen up!
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Old 04-14-2015, 01:06 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
The OP has not been denied access to her grandchild. The parents have told her she can come visit. I don't buy the story that she can't come up with the gas money for something that is important to her. An hour by car is about 60 miles. Even if she gets less than 20 mph, we are still talking about less than $20.00 for gas.

I have lived through estrangement with the parents of my grandchild. The only shame I felt was on behalf of my son, who allowed it to happen. But, I never closed the door, and he finally reached out. The OP said she has chastised the parents on Facebook. With that tactic, she is never going to win.
Nice empathetic response. It sounds to me like the OP cannot drive....Given her medical condition....I do not think it is too much for these people to swing by for a short visit....They obviously just do not want to.

I think that is a crappy thing to do to the grandparents....

But, OP I do agree...It serves no purpose to chastise someone on FB.....I would reframe things and next time they say something about visiting your home town....say something like....Oh....I would dearly love to have you stop by so that I can see lil ------He is getting so big. Love you


Something less negative....Try that.

EDIT I must be missing something? Sure seems like a lot of folks are personalizing their own stories rather than showing any empathy for the OP. What gives??

Last edited by JanND; 04-14-2015 at 01:20 PM..
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Old 04-14-2015, 09:09 PM
 
451 posts, read 381,277 times
Reputation: 838
I'm not a grandparent yet, but hope to be one day! My daughter and SIL talk about how much travel they want to do while they are young (but they also look forward to a baby or two). When I ask them "how do you plan on doing THAT trip with a baby in tow?", they tell me "we'll leave the baby at home with you, "Gramma"!

Okey dokey then! Glad they trust me and my husband. Give me the baby and go have fun! Then please come back and get this silly goose out of my house for a little while!
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Old 04-17-2015, 12:49 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,968,357 times
Reputation: 3702
For one, maybe you should stop bitching so much.

Your posts are judgmental and full of "woe as me I'm the victim" mentality.

In your first post alone you basically criticize them for not having a place that is clean enough for YOUR standards. I wonder how many comments you make when you DO go there about it... Turn off #1.

Then you nag and complain to them they didn't make time to come see you when you are in the area... Turn off #2.

And you complain they see your ex more than you... Turn off #3.

LISTEN to them, they are telling you "all you want is drama" so I bet every phone call is filled with "how could you do this I'm your mom blah blah."

How about trying a nice phone call of "hey, how are you all doing? That's great! You guys know when you'll be by next time ? I really miss ALL OF YOU (don't just make it all about grandson, that is turn off #4) and would love to see you. Even if you don't want to come by my place, maybe we can all meet somewhere for lunch? Or go to the park or something? Anyways, I know you guys are busy, just wanted to let you know I love you all!"

AND STAHP with the gifts, you are only doing that to buy affection, it's not working.

BTW I agree 100% with Jrz.
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Old 04-17-2015, 02:22 AM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,968,357 times
Reputation: 3702
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
There is a MASSIVE epidemic of adult children abandoning their parents, and denying those parents access to the beloved children, for no good reason. [b]
No good reason eh? Or maybe the ADULT children have talked until they were blue in the face and the parents refuse to LISTEN.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm in an "Estranged Parents" Facebook group that has THOUSANDS of members and our number is legion.
Yup, and I wonder how many of those who are clueless know deep down inside they ignored the things that pissed their ADULT children off until it was too late. Disrespect is the issue most of the time. Parents forget that their children are now their PEERS and they are no longer their children's "elders."

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
This is a huge problem in today's society, and psychologists have posited that being shunned, abandoned and estranged by your adult child can be more emotionally wrenching than the death of a grown child. There is no closure. It's open-ended pain that just goes on and on. And it's a secret pain, for if you tell anyone your story, there's a presumption that you - the parent - must have done somthing unspeakably awful to that poor dear child. Take the two posts above mine, for example: "Something is missing."
Their is a bias with psychologists because they feel their purpose is to repair relationships. I've spoken with many people who have cut off their parents who claim they "don't understand" when every single time the parent has done multiple things to upset their adult children and refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing. Usually the parents deny they said/did anything wrong, tell their kid they are "too sensitive," or say "I'm sorry IF I did something to upset you." All BS responses.

There is a shift going on now, psychologists are seeing that trying to force their patients to stay in contact with their toxic parents who they'd rather cut off is NOT in the best interests of the patient.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
Abandoning a parent is considered an extreme type of emotional abuse for both the grandparents and the grandchild.
That's laughable. A child needs nobody but their parents. Their NUCLEAR family. You know what's worse than no grandparents? Grandparents that undermine the parents. Seeing a grandparent treat their parent like they don't know what they are doing, THAT is emotionally abusing a child. It's a parents job to protect their kid from people like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
In my case, I have three children. Two of them are wonderful, supportive, successful and very close to their family. There's a third "child" (age 34) that has nothing to do with us.
Usually the adult child who doesn't speak to the rest of the family grew up as the scapegoat and was treated poorly compared to the other children, but the parents and golden child(ren) don't see that. They can't even speak to their siblings on the matter because the GC siblings upbringing was very different than the SG's, even though it happened at the same time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
Is it mental illness? Or is it narcissism? Or is it self-absorption? Or is it immaturity? Or is it just raw mean-spirited abuse? Or is it that these "kids" never learned how to show kindness? Or is it a lack of empathy?
Narcissism on the part of the parents, lack of empathy on the part of the parents, ALL of these things on the part of the parents, absolutely.

When I was pregnant, my mom tried to bully her way into my birth when I had already told her that it was only going to be me and DH but we would call when we were ready for visitors. She told that if I didn't tell her when I was in labor and have her RIGHT THERE she'd never speak to me again. After growing up with her narcissistic ways I'd finally had enough. I told her that she was completely selfish to want to be at my birth when I had just told her that having anyone else there would stress me out and I am the patient undergoing a medical procedure, not her. Birth is not a spectator sport and instead of being empathetic she chose to make it all about her.

Long story short I told her because of her behavior and her ridiculous threats that I will be taking a time out from her and to not call me, I will call her. She called multiple times over those weeks. I completely ignored her. I gave birth a few weeks later, we told no one I was in labor (after my mom's outburst we didn't trust anyone else), and even stress free I had a 24 hour labor. We called all our parents and invited them to come by when I was ready for visitors. My mom got called LAST and got to stay for about an hour before we told her go home so I can rest.

She learned quickly if she tries to disrespect me or DH we won't tolerate it anymore and SHE will be the ONLY one to suffer. Lucky for her she chose to realize her child is an adult and she can either accept that and be part of my life, or not accept it and be shut out and go around crying "I don't understand why my daughter won't speak to me, I did nothing wrong!" Which a few of her friends already do cuz their own kids cut their BSC off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I don't know. I'm a smart cookie and I was a good mom, and I can tell you, there are hundreds of thousands of parents dealing with this and it is our secret shame.
Maybe your Facebook group should really look into things that your kids told you. When they said "I'm upset/bothered you did this" did you ever say "I am sorry for doing x, y, and z, it was wrong of me, I will never do it again. Please forgive me. If you need time and space from me to forgive me, I will give you that." I guarantee most of you blame-shifted and gaslighted your children. And btw no, saying "well I did the best I could" isn't the correct response either.
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