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Old 11-15-2015, 11:39 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,604,450 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKittehs View Post
My daughter and her husband and 5 year old daughter recently moved to another state. My daughter and I have always been close, and I have been in my granddaughter's life every day since she was born. My husband and I, and her family, have always been like one family. We lived in the same apartment complex, shared meals, were always there for each other. Any time we had talked about moving, it was always about all of us together.

My GD was going to start school, and the school she was assigned to is not a good school. My ex-husband offered to rent them a house in a small town in another state, and they decided it would be best for her to move there. My DH and I were very hurt, and he and her husband had "words", so now her husband says my husband is not welcome there. I am disabled, and pretty much can't go anywhere on my own, and wouldn't anyway. This, along with the fact that my daughter's father made it clear that I was not welcome to move anywhere near there, has made me feel that I will never see them again. So we moved to the same state, but in the opposite end as we couldn't find anything closer, and he has family here. This all happened within the past three months.

I understand she did was she felt was right for her family. The problem is that I am so severely heartbroken and devastated that there are times I don't think I will ever feel any better. The holidays coming up are just making it worse. It will be the first Christmas without my daughter, or my granddaughter, and the thought of that is unbearable. I cry all the time, don't even want to put up a tree or celebrate Christmas at all. I feel like all the joy of life has been taken from me.

I have heard it all: kids move away, blah blah blah. But I HURT, and I don't know how to get over this. I feel abandoned and thrown away, and robbed of watching my GD grow up and be a part of her life. I talk to my daughter every day, and talk to my GD often, but it is not the same. I am so afraid she will forget us, and the thought of never seeing them again is killing me. Has anyone else been through this? I feel lost and broken, and I want to feel better. I want to be able to enjoy the new life my husband and I are starting here, but I can't get past this grief.

Thanks for "listening." I just don't know what to do.
First off...It will likely be good for your daughter to have some space...you're description of all the living together, sounds smothering..

I do not like Her father telling you that you can't move there...That is BS....So, you and your hubby move where ever you want....Sounds almost like your ex- paying for the rental comes with stipulations....But, that is just my opinion.

It is hard, especially since your GD has always been close. But, she will not forget you. You can go visit, skype, call on the phone.

And, you said you moved recently and now live in the same state, just hours away....That might be why you are feeling so lost...You moved somewhere yourself....compounding all the stress you already had from your daughter's move. A positive is that you are still close enough to drive to each other...a really good thing. Or even meet part way for a hotel weekend.

So, don't decorate...there is nothing wrong with that...You are having internal issues, so your joy is missing for now. But, step up to the plate, maintain your relationship with your daughter and GD...don't let this determine how you behave towards them. Adult children have a right to live their own lives...We have to accept their choices and not emotionally guilt them.
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Old 11-15-2015, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,818 posts, read 41,516,080 times
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To me, the best way to "make the best of it" is to work on making YOUR life more interesting and less dependent on your daughter. You left CO because you couldn't afford it but also because once your daughter left there was "no reason to stay"?

So you made NO friends there, had no connections at all to even think about keeping??

When you say you're all "disabled," do you mean you are ALL wheelchair bound, or are you "on disability"?

I'm not trying to pry, but the difference matters as we consider your daily life and what options would be realistic for you.
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Old 11-15-2015, 12:26 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,017,724 times
Reputation: 32389
Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKittehs View Post
As I stated before, we did look closer and could not find anything. It was too expensive to stay in Denver, and even if we had, our car would not have made the 3 hour drive.

We did what was best for us, just as she did for her family. The issue is not who did what or why, it is that I am having trouble adjusting to this new reality, and was simply asking for help to get through it.
See a therapist. They could help you work through your feelings. Join a club, take a class, do something you've always wanted to do but never had time. Maybe you could get a part time job and save up for a new car or for a move closer to your daughter.
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Old 11-15-2015, 12:53 PM
 
13,148 posts, read 20,731,948 times
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OP, focus on what you CAN do. My parents moved several states away when my kids were young. They still managed to keep the bond strong. Children love getting mail. Both my mother and my father would write letters, send little cards, sometimes small gifts like baseball cards, nothing big, just enough to let the kids know they were thinking of them. And my boys would write back, because grandparents like getting mail too. We sent lots of drawings until they were old enough to use actual words.

Back when everybody had a tape recorder, my parents would buy a book, and record themselves reading it. They rang a little bell when it was time to turn the page. They would then send the book and tape to their grandchildren. They baked cookies and mailed them north.

It was all about keeping the connection. I'm doing the same with our grandson who lives an 8 hour drive away.
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Old 11-15-2015, 01:11 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,017,724 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
OP, focus on what you CAN do. My parents moved several states away when my kids were young. They still managed to keep the bond strong. Children love getting mail. Both my mother and my father would write letters, send little cards, sometimes small gifts like baseball cards, nothing big, just enough to let the kids know they were thinking of them. And my boys would write back, because grandparents like getting mail too. We sent lots of drawings until they were old enough to use actual words.

Back when everybody had a tape recorder, my parents would buy a book, and record themselves reading it. They rang a little bell when it was time to turn the page. They would then send the book and tape to their grandchildren. They baked cookies and mailed them north.

It was all about keeping the connection. I'm doing the same with our grandson who lives an 8 hour drive away.
I love all of this!
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Old 11-15-2015, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Chanute, KS
302 posts, read 368,362 times
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Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes, I am in a wheelchair and pretty much homebound. I really didn't have many friends left in Denver once I was no longer working, except for family. My son came to see me about once every two years, and my older granddaughter is almost 16 and I would rarely see her either. My cousins were busy with their own lives, and my one really good friend didn't have time to see me much either. It was because of her that we were able to get a house right away.

JanND- yes we were very close. They didn't have many friends either as they are both disabled and didn't get out a lot. I talk to or text with my daughter every day. There are no hard feelings between us, just the husbands acting like fools. My granddaughter misses me and gets sad too, but she is only 5 and has the attention span of a butterfly. She was angry at first and wanted to know why WE moved away.

I am trying very hard to get used to life here. My husband was born here and has family, including his Mom. We decided we are going to decorate after all because we both love the holidays and we were married on Christmas Eve. It will be different, but I can't just give up on things we love because I am sad. That is no way to live.

My husbands says I will get used to the hurting, and I think he is right. I just never imagined I would be without my kids. No one really prepares you for the empty nest even though you know that kids grow up and away. I will survive this, it will just take more time. If I can get through the holidays I know I am going to make it!
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Old 11-15-2015, 03:46 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,604,450 times
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OP....I hope that you get some comfort out of staying in touch with your daughter and GD...I know the holidays will be harder...I guess that I didn't understand this move/separation was because of a fight between your husband and your sil...That is difficult, because you feel your ,loyalty is torn.

Could you possibly travel to your Daughters for Christmas?? Or like someone suggested, take a part time job and save to be able to travel a couple times a year...One ticket is easier to buy then two... Hope things get better.
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Old 11-15-2015, 04:04 PM
 
6,639 posts, read 3,821,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKittehs View Post
As I stated before, we did look closer and could not find anything. It was too expensive to stay in Denver, and even if we had, our car would not have made the 3 hour drive.

We did what was best for us, just as she did for her family. The issue is not who did what or why, it is that I am having trouble adjusting to this new reality, and was simply asking for help to get through it.

It sounds like your new area has a lot to offer and with time you will hopefully start feeling better. It would probably help for future visits if your husband could apologize to your SIL, even if only to smooth things over. Maybe your daughter and grandaughter can come visit since you have a house now. The heartaches will probably always be there, but will get less with time. One thing I think is hard for some people to understand is that when you become disabled, you automatically suffer a huge loss over which you have little or no control. Life and possibilities shrink. This can make further losses even harder, and it sounds like this is what has happened to you. All you can do is stay in touch in any way you can. I hope you gradually start feeling better.
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Old 11-15-2015, 04:51 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,285 times
Reputation: 1065
Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKittehs View Post
Thank you everyone for your replies. Yes, I am in a wheelchair and pretty much homebound. I really didn't have many friends left in Denver once I was no longer working, except for family. My son came to see me about once every two years, and my older granddaughter is almost 16 and I would rarely see her either. My cousins were busy with their own lives, and my one really good friend didn't have time to see me much either. It was because of her that we were able to get a house right away.

JanND- yes we were very close. They didn't have many friends either as they are both disabled and didn't get out a lot. I talk to or text with my daughter every day. There are no hard feelings between us, just the husbands acting like fools. My granddaughter misses me and gets sad too, but she is only 5 and has the attention span of a butterfly. She was angry at first and wanted to know why WE moved away.

I am trying very hard to get used to life here. My husband was born here and has family, including his Mom. We decided we are going to decorate after all because we both love the holidays and we were married on Christmas Eve. It will be different, but I can't just give up on things we love because I am sad. That is no way to live.

My husbands says I will get used to the hurting, and I think he is right. I just never imagined I would be without my kids. No one really prepares you for the empty nest even though you know that kids grow up and away. I will survive this, it will just take more time. If I can get through the holidays I know I am going to make it!
I am so sorry your family was broken up. I would probably try to get in contact with the various low income apartment complexes in towns which the cost of living is less expensive yet closer to the family. Usually you can submit an app by mail. It make take years but just get the app in. Then if you choose not to move, just let them know when they call. Possibly seek out a local church with a very small congregation.
All we have in life is family, the rest such as finances are only methods to living a life. It doesn't define us. You sound like a devoted Grandmother, your family is very blessed.
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Old 12-02-2015, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Native Floridian, USA
4,904 posts, read 6,103,949 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BadKittehs View Post
Both my daughter and her husband are disabled, as am I, so the job situation was not an issue for any of us. Living on a fixed income was. Denver has gotten horribly expensive, and we all did try to find housing closer to a better school but it is just not affordable to live there any more. Her dad offered her a house to rent that they could afford, in a small town with good schools. Why wouldn't she choose that over living in a city (Aurora) that was becoming increasing dangerous and expensive?

As I explained before, we could not find anything affordable near her, and believe me we tried. She did what was best for her family in the long run, as did my husband and I when we moved to SE Kansas. We couldn't afford Colorado anymore, and there was no reason to stay. He has family here, and that was also a consideration. It is unfortunate it is so far away from my daughter, but we can have a better life here, just as they will have a better life there. Sometimes life gives you limited choices, and you have to choose what's best no matter how much it hurts.

She seems happy there, and so does my granddaughter. I miss them terribly and it hurts, even more so knowing that the holidays are here and we won't be together. I like where we live now very much. The air is clean, it's quiet and peaceful, the people are friendly, and it is affordable. I just wish they were here too.
All of this makes sense to me. It is a shame that there is such limited incomes and resources within the family. I know how that feels as I am still working at 72 in Dec.


My daughter and husband, along with my almost 12 yr old grandson moved to NC. The husband is a stepfather. My grandson and I are very, very close. He seems to be liking where he is and the school is okay. He has mild Aspergers. It is in a rural section of the state where her husband works for Duke Energy. My 18 yr gdaughter also went with her but she has life of her own now. I miss them all so much. We have no one in the area that we live in to depend upon but, we do have a home and a very small business here. This was the only grandchild that I had been around since birth as she (my dau) had lived about 2 hours away for several years.


At first, I was devastated about the move( I cried off and on for 3 weeks) but I have become reconciled (only 6 wks into the actual move...lol). I know I will have some bad days. Fortunately, I have some other interests that helps to keep me occupied. You need to try and find some other outlets for your time to take your mind off missing your daughter and gd.


I wish I could say or do something that would make you feel better. I am lucky that I had one friend that understood and suffered me through the initial move. For that I am grateful. Try to take the good things, i.e., gd seeming to like the new school, they do have a home, etc, and be comforted by that.


Good luck to you and your family.
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