U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Grandparents
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-02-2017, 01:02 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,403 posts, read 52,393,689 times
Reputation: 70378

Advertisements

Way to belittle her thoughts/needs/emotions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-02-2017, 04:57 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,567,011 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by Memeof2boys View Post
I probably didn't explain myself very well, this is my first time being on a forum.

When I say he spends a few nights with us it's just because she has the baby and we have been keeping grandson just to try to give her a little break.

I've tried talking to her about various issues, to which her reply is to ignore it and tell me she isn't mad, when she clearly is. I want us to have a good relationship with her, but she needs to put some effort into it as well. I try so hard not to overstep my bounds because my mom did that to me constantly and drove me nuts.
You as the grandmother have to give in to her, as the mom....she has final say. I sense that you are attempting to influence her from your statements underlined.

What sort of issues are you discussing with her? You state that she needs to put in some effort....What effort?

I thin that you likely are overstepping her parental boundaries. And we will be happy to help you identify those if you will give examples.

You stated that you know that she is upset about the pull-ups through your grandson....You don't mention speaking directly to your DIL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-03-2017, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
20,959 posts, read 11,615,689 times
Reputation: 31806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jstarling View Post
If he is spending 3 or 4 nights a week with grandparents, they should have a say in the parenting.
Nope. It's kind of the grandmother to offer to take the child while the parents are dealing with a newborn, but the parents are still the parents. They make the decisions for the child.

But yes, of course this is a communication issue. OP, talk to your DIL. She is exhausted dealing with a newborn and toddler, and likely doesn't recognize that she's coming across as harshly as she is. But on the other hand, she is the mother and you overstepped by putting a potty trained child back in diapers. Maybe you didn't think about it but that doesn't change the fact that you overstepped here. Next time, the correct thing to do is to call your DIL and say "hey, how are you dealing with the fact that X is going through so many pairs of underwear with this constipation issue?" It's her (and your son's) decision to make as to how to handle it.

You should have to be having so many discussions on child rearing issues. You ask, she answers and you need to respect that. If you can't do that, you will end up being shut out, which is a lose-lose scenario for everyone. Try to make it a win-win situation instead, by recognizing your role as grandparent is different from hers as parent.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-04-2017, 07:57 PM
 
3,036 posts, read 1,698,052 times
Reputation: 3431
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I like to use a phrase I call, "intentional relationships." Have you ever asked your DIL what kind of relationship she would like to have with you alone, you and your spouse as a couple, and as grandparents?

People are not mind readers. Perhaps, even though you have the best of intentions, she does think you overreach. You don't really know.

If you want to improve the relationship with your DIL, and I think you do, the best/only way to do that is to choose a moment when it's quiet, just the two of you, and there are no child related distractions around. Invite her out for lunch or something. Directly ask her, "What would you like our relationship to look like?" "How can we get there?" This won't be a one time conversation, but it's a start. It's also not easy to have an intentional relationship, but it's worth the effort.

An example: our son moved 1600 miles away for his first job. I've never had a child live that far away. I've never had a son that was a young, independent adult. I nicely told him that and then asked him, "What do you need from me? What do you want our relationship to look like?" As I said, it is an ongoing conversation and will change over time, but it's a start. I expressed the same thing to my future SIL.
I am curious as to how this works. What kind of responses did you get? I may be gaining a DIL soon. It mak s me nervous. I would like to try something like this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-08-2017, 04:52 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,483 posts, read 7,733,257 times
Reputation: 15793
cb2008--There is not a defined map for this. How one starts this conversation depends to some extent on the people involved. It begins with caring enough to work on the relationship and recognize it's importance. It's important not to overwhelm the other person. It's important that it be a stress-free environment.

It also starts with an honest recognition of the fact that neither of you have been in this situation before. I explained to my future SIL that I've never been a MIL before, and I understand he has never been a SIL before. It's new territory for both of us, but it's important that we work on the relationship because we both love my daughter/his fiance. I added that we will be in each other's lives for a very long time. Then I just asked the question, "What would you like our relationship to be?" With my son I explained to him that he didn't need to answer immediately. It will take some time. I definitely check in with him about it periodically to "update" what he needs and what I need.

With my future SIL it's a work in progress. Some of that is because of his age, 26, some of it's because he is male, some of it related to some cultural differences, some is related to his own idea of what a mother is, and some of it's due to the fact we both have very strong personalities. I will gently keep at it because relationships enrich our lives and because I love my daughter.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-10-2017, 09:02 AM
 
3,036 posts, read 1,698,052 times
Reputation: 3431
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
cb2008--There is not a defined map for this. How one starts this conversation depends to some extent on the people involved. It begins with caring enough to work on the relationship and recognize it's importance. It's important not to overwhelm the other person. It's important that it be a stress-free environment.

It also starts with an honest recognition of the fact that neither of you have been in this situation before. I explained to my future SIL that I've never been a MIL before, and I understand he has never been a SIL before. It's new territory for both of us, but it's important that we work on the relationship because we both love my daughter/his fiance. I added that we will be in each other's lives for a very long time. Then I just asked the question, "What would you like our relationship to be?" With my son I explained to him that he didn't need to answer immediately. It will take some time. I definitely check in with him about it periodically to "update" what he needs and what I need.

With my future SIL it's a work in progress. Some of that is because of his age, 26, some of it's because he is male, some of it related to some cultural differences, some is related to his own idea of what a mother is, and some of it's due to the fact we both have very strong personalities. I will gently keep at it because relationships enrich our lives and because I love my daughter.
I wish I had had such a conversation with my daughter as well. It is not too late, we can still have it. As we age the terms of our relationship changes as well and this is a good way to clarify it so we can keep the relationship we value very much fresh. Thank you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-10-2017, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,937 posts, read 45,376,262 times
Reputation: 61412
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
You as the grandmother have to give in to her, as the mom....she has final say. I sense that you are attempting to influence her from your statements underlined.

What sort of issues are you discussing with her? You state that she needs to put in some effort....What effort?

I thin that you likely are overstepping her parental boundaries. And we will be happy to help you identify those if you will give examples.

You stated that you know that she is upset about the pull-ups through your grandson....You don't mention speaking directly to your DIL.
DIL can't have it both ways. She is glad to turn over her parental responsibilities to grandma, but then she expects to micromanage her. This would not be acceptable to me as a grandmother.
OP is not being appreciated, and she's too involved, so everyone needs to take a break, and reset the routine.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-04-2017, 03:04 PM
 
817 posts, read 295,167 times
Reputation: 1062
Usually, people go less with constipation so perhaps she may be puzzled about why pull-ups we're necessary. Overall, I think this episode is a symptom of something else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Grandparents
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 01:38 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top