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My own opinion. . . I think their mom is very controlling and doesn't want her kids out from under her wing. I also feel that what my husband and I do as grandparents will impact her mothering ability and break into her control.
This is a family of six kids ages 13 - 3. Tell me they don't want to get away for a vacation and at least have a room to themselves. They know we'll go shopping and basically spoil them rotten.
This is a long distance relationship with these grandkids. They live in Ohio and we are in Texas. We've only seen them in a family setting, no one on one time. Now the other set of grandparents (hers) live an hour away from them and they see each other all the time.
What do you do as grandparents? You must do something that your son and his wife don't like and therefore you don't see the kids without them.
I'm sure that would like alone time but they are choosing their children over alone time.
My IL's live a couple of streets over from us. My kids see them a few times a month. When the kids were younger, my MIL/FIL would take them out to dinner during the week and let them get dessert. They'd bring them back around 7 and the kids would be running around wild all sugared up. I put a stop to dessert on weeknights and while I could tell it made my MIL upset (she was grandma she was supposed to spoil them) it was that or they didn't get to take them anymore.
My mom lives about 6 hours away. For reasons of her own doing, she hasn't seen them in a couple of years. She is coming to visit them in a few weeks. She's asked us a few times to have them go to her house and I am not comfortable with it. So, the answer is no. It's not about control. It's about making sure my kids are safe.
Some of my best childhood memories are spending time with my grandparents. Maybe it's a generational thing. I wanted to do the same for my grandchildren.
My grandmother taught me to crochet. My grandfather made me a rabbit hutch for my first rabbit. They encouraged me in many hobbies and my love of animals which my parents weren't into. So many of my interests started because of them. My brother and I spent many a weekend. He enjoyed it as much as I did.
We have a good relationship with our son. The one with our daughter-in-law is lacking due to the distance. Part of that is whenever we're together it's all about the grandkids because we hadn't seen each other in awhile. Now that I think of it, when we're all together, they as a couple take off and leave us with all six kids while they disappear. So it's hard to get to know the daughter-law under those conditions. She's not available. Usually our conversations focus on the kids and what they're up to.
As for someone asking how well I know the other grandparents. We don't. We met once for dinner before the wedding. That was it. Their daughter and our son met online and he went out to go to college where she was. We did meet her until they flew out for a spring break and during that chaotic time (husband new job 2 hours away, our getting ready to move). . . . Anyway, first time we meet her. They were married 3 months later. They've always lived out of state.
This topic has been going through our family for years. We have talked to our son and his wife, letting them know we'd love to have the grandkids visit. We offered to pay for their plane tickets. We offered to have one of us fly out and escort them. The visit could be a week or a month, everything was open ended. The oldest is now 13, the next sibling is 11.
We had a heart to heart with our son and he reassures us but still the kids don't visit and we've given up asking. It wasn't until last year when we saw one of the grandkids able to travel with the other grandparents for an extended trip to Washington D. C. That we brought it up again. With the shared trip pictures I wrote the other grandfather and asked him what magic wand did he wave. I wanted to know his secret. How did you get the parents to give up control?
My parents 'hosted' my kids at various times in their lives - I'd send them off to visit and they had such a good time. They'd travel and site see and do all sorts of fun stuff. Vermont down to Hershey, PA and many places in between. My husband's parents were the same. They had grandkids coming up for the summer to work on their farm. We wanted to do the same with our grandkids.
I wondered if others have been in this situation. I'm thinking it's when the wife is the one giving permission and if you aren't the wife's parents you get the low end of the stick. Thoughts?
The husband's parents don't have to be left out in the cold. It takes cooperation on both sides though.
We flew our son to stay with my in-laws several times when he was a child but never to my parents. My mom was an SAHM with four kids and felt she had done her time, she had no interests in babysitting or overnight stays. My MIL worked from the time my DH was two (he has an older sister) and she has stayed involved with all of her grandkids, perhaps making up for lost opportunities. Two different styles and outlooks, no judgement on either.
We moved to be near our grandkids, they live by the beach so it wasn't a hardship to retire to this area. The other grandparents have a home here and come from England for six months. We share childcare between us. We all get along well, the four of us actually went along with them on their honeymoon, but that's another story. They are throwing a birthday dinner for our son this evening.
We will have the grandkids this summer and we asked if we could take them along to visit their great grandmothers, which will require a flight. I made sure it was okay with them before making any plans and checking that the dates were good for them.
Talking to the other grandparents I found they are also told things on a need-to-know basis like we are. I was surprised, thinking they would have the inside track with our DIL.
I'm fortunate to have grandkids who have adults for parents. Not perfect, but easy to iron things out with and have discussions when needed. I realize how fortunate I am. I hope my DIL feels the same.
Yes, I am sure that it is hectic for your son with six children. And, I am sure that it is difficult to have quality 1 on 1 time with your grandchildren or with your DIL when they have six children.
But, they did not always have six children. Did you try to be an active part of their lives before they had children? Did you visit and go shopping & out to eat with your DIL to help "get to know her" before she had children? And, when the first child was a newborn? Did you have quality 1 to 1 time with your first grandchild? When they had a newborn and toddler? When they had three children? Four? Five? Their oldest is 13 years old so your DIL was your DIL for at least 13 to 14 years before she had children. So you did not "just talk about the kids" then.
Really think about it.
I am not saying that this is true in your case, but sometimes grandparents will ignore or neglect their adult children an/or grandchildren when it is not convenient for them, perhaps they have super demanding jobs or exciting social lives or travel extensively. But, suddenly they are retired or less busy or have health issues & can't travel and then want to step into their lives.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-12-2017 at 05:59 PM..
Yes, I am sure that it is hectic for your son with six children. And, I am sure that it is difficult to have quality 1 on 1 time with your grandchildren or with your DIL when they have six children.
But, they did not always have six children. Did you try to be an active part of their lives before they had children? Did you visit and go shopping & out to eat with your DIL to help "get to know her" before she had children? And, when the first child was a newborn? Did you have quality 1 to 1 time with your first grandchild? When they had a newborn and toddler? When they had three children? Four? Five? Their oldest is 13 years old so your DIL was your DIL for at least 13 to 14 years before she had children. So you did not "just talk about the kids" then.
Really think about it.
I am not saying that this is true in your case, but sometimes grandparents will ignore or neglect their adult children an/or grandchildren when it is not convenient for them, perhaps they have super demanding jobs or exciting social lives or travel extensively. But, suddenly they are retired or less busy or have health issues & can't travel and then want to step into their lives.
Oops, correction. "Their oldest is 13 years old so your DIL was your DIL 13 to 14 years ago , or even more years, before she had any children. So you did not "just talk about the kids" then." What did you talk about or do to build your relationship with your DIL at that time? What did you do to continue and strengthen your relationship with your son?
Perhaps, you and your husband have been trying unsuccessfully for many, many years to be involved with your grandchildren and have been rebuffed. But, sometimes grandparents are the ones that have to make the bigger effort. Heck, I can not even imagine how expensive it is to purchase eight plane tickets or to take eight people on a long car vacation. It is a lot cheaper for two people to fly to visit them.
But, they did not always have six children. Did you try to be an active part of their lives before they had children? Did you visit and go shopping & out to eat with your DIL to help "get to know her" before she had children?
Yes. And Yes. YES.
Let's see. The first few years they were both in college in a small town in Ohio. My husband went back to see them while I never visited their college town. Admittedly I don't travel well but I also had two kids in school. One was epileptic and bi-polar. I also had commitments of my own with my father that I flew out to help when I could. He was also out of state living with one of my brother's and his family. I was their relief when they needed a break away from his care.
We spent one Thanksgiving where everyone drove to a relative's house.
We paid for them to fly and stay at Disney World with us.
Admittedly my husband traveled back to their town by himself more than I was able to. He would add a few days onto his work trips. And they visited us a few times and we flew out a few times.
When we visit together it's always my daughter in law and my son as a unit. That was always true before and after having their kids. They pretty much go their own way when we see them always have. We talk, it isn't uncomfortable, but she's not real close. I do know I don't exclude her from the conversation by talking over or around her. I do ask her opinion. We have gone on errands together but always with a kid in tow.
As for the other things in long distance contact. . . Letters, boxes, gifts, phoning, email, you name it, we've done it.
FWIW I would *love* it if I could send my kids off to loving grandparents for a week or two every once in a while. One grandmother is sick, the other completely uninterested in the prospect and has never once offered, despite her having a massive house, pool, etc. It's funny because her grandmother raised her and she would regularly send me off to my own grandmother for the summer while she did her own thing... Oh well, it is what it is.
Yes. And Yes. YES.
Let's see. The first few years they were both in college in a small town in Ohio. My husband went back to see them while I never visited their college town. Admittedly I don't travel well but I also had two kids in school. One was epileptic and bi-polar. I also had commitments of my own with my father that I flew out to help when I could. He was also out of state living with one of my brother's and his family. I was their relief when they needed a break away from his care.
We spent one Thanksgiving where everyone drove to a relative's house.
We paid for them to fly and stay at Disney World with us.
Admittedly my husband traveled back to their town by himself more than I was able to. He would add a few days onto his work trips. And they visited us a few times and we flew out a few times.
When we visit together it's always my daughter in law and my son as a unit. That was always true before and after having their kids. They pretty much go their own way when we see them always have. We talk, it isn't uncomfortable, but she's not real close. I do know I don't exclude her from the conversation by talking over or around her. I do ask her opinion. We have gone on errands together but always with a kid in tow.
As for the other things in long distance contact. . . Letters, boxes, gifts, phoning, email, you name it, we've done it.
Thank you for the added information. It really sounds like you did all that you could do to build the relationships. Perhaps you should try again. Contact your son and suggest that the oldest, or the two oldest, grandchildren come for a week this summer. List the activities that you want to do with them and offer to pay their airfare.
An alternative is for you and hubby to visit them and take small groups of grandchildren to various activities in their area. The two youngest one afternoon to a toddler/preschooler play area, the two middle children to the children's museum and the two oldest to the science museum. Plus, of course, watching your granddaughters in their dance class & grandchildren participate in sports and in their other activities.
Frankly, because they have six children I wonder if there is something else going on. Perhaps, religious differences or parenting differences. I have many relatives and children of friends in the age group of your son & DIL and not even one family has more than 2 or 3 children. In fact, in thinking about acquaintances, children of co-workers, friends of friends, neighbors, I can only think of one family where the parents are in their 30s that have more than 1, 2 or 3 children. Could the reason that they decided to have six children be part of the reason that they are not letting you see your grandchildren as individuals?
I don't know about the OP's situation, but we're in our 30's and are on our fifth. I also know quite a few families with more than three kids. Some are religious, some aren't. We aren't.
I don't know about the OP's situation, but we're in our 30's and are on our fifth. I also know quite a few families with more than three kids. Some are religious, some aren't. We aren't.
I am not saying that it is that unusual but, among my friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances I only know one couple in their 30s with more than 1, 2 or 3 children (and they have four children). I, personally, do not even know one couple (or single parent) in their 30s with five or more children. Obviously, YMMV
Frankly, I am surprised that you know "quite a few families" with four or more children today. Perhaps it is because of the activities that you join, where you live, the schools in your area, etc., etc. you know "quite a few families" with four or more children. Now, in my generation, (I'm 65) and my parents generation (they would be in their 90s) it was much more common than today.
PS. I guess I brought up the number of children to get the OP to consider if there may be other reasons behind her son & DIL not allowing them to have the older grandchildren visit or even try to have 1 to 1 time with the grandchildren as individuals. My speculation was that the reason that they had six children may give a clue to other things, such as being a different religion or being a strict home schooling family or something.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-13-2017 at 12:15 PM..
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