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Old 05-10-2017, 06:34 PM
 
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This topic has been going through our family for years. We have talked to our son and his wife, letting them know we'd love to have the grandkids visit. We offered to pay for their plane tickets. We offered to have one of us fly out and escort them. The visit could be a week or a month, everything was open ended. The oldest is now 13, the next sibling is 11.


We had a heart to heart with our son and he reassures us but still the kids don't visit and we've given up asking. It wasn't until last year when we saw one of the grandkids able to travel with the other grandparents for an extended trip to Washington D. C. That we brought it up again. With the shared trip pictures I wrote the other grandfather and asked him what magic wand did he wave. I wanted to know his secret. How did you get the parents to give up control?


My parents 'hosted' my kids at various times in their lives - I'd send them off to visit and they had such a good time. They'd travel and site see and do all sorts of fun stuff. Vermont down to Hershey, PA and many places in between. My husband's parents were the same. They had grandkids coming up for the summer to work on their farm. We wanted to do the same with our grandkids.


I wondered if others have been in this situation. I'm thinking it's when the wife is the one giving permission and if you aren't the wife's parents you get the low end of the stick. Thoughts?
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Old 05-10-2017, 08:08 PM
 
Location: here
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It's hard to say. Some parents have a different comfort level than others. Some grand parents are more trustworthy than others. Some parents like a tighter leash than others. Our parents are not perfect, but I think letting them have the kids for a while without us is good for all parties involved.

I am aware that there is a generally accepted thought that the mom rules the roost and the dad's parents are left out in the cold. I'm sure that is true in some families. I have gone out of my way to keep things even between the grand parents.
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Old 05-11-2017, 07:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sollaces View Post
This topic has been going through our family for years. We have talked to our son and his wife, letting them know we'd love to have the grandkids visit. We offered to pay for their plane tickets. We offered to have one of us fly out and escort them. The visit could be a week or a month, everything was open ended. The oldest is now 13, the next sibling is 11.


We had a heart to heart with our son and he reassures us but still the kids don't visit and we've given up asking. It wasn't until last year when we saw one of the grandkids able to travel with the other grandparents for an extended trip to Washington D. C. That we brought it up again. With the shared trip pictures I wrote the other grandfather and asked him what magic wand did he wave. I wanted to know his secret. How did you get the parents to give up control?


My parents 'hosted' my kids at various times in their lives - I'd send them off to visit and they had such a good time. They'd travel and site see and do all sorts of fun stuff. Vermont down to Hershey, PA and many places in between. My husband's parents were the same. They had grandkids coming up for the summer to work on their farm. We wanted to do the same with our grandkids.


I wondered if others have been in this situation. I'm thinking it's when the wife is the one giving permission and if you aren't the wife's parents you get the low end of the stick. Thoughts?

What did the other grandfather tell you? Perhaps it's not the parents but the grandkids don't want to come and stay. Did you want them to come and work on your farm?
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Old 05-11-2017, 08:14 AM
 
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I used to spend all kinds of time with my grandparents - they lived fairly close, so I'd spend weekends with them, and weeks during the summer. Spend a week or two there, come home for a week or so, then my gramps would have to come down for something and I'd wind up going back up with him for a week or two. Stayed that way right up until I lived with them going to college for a couple years.

I'm told my parents loved it. Sadly, they live 900mi away now, so our kiddo won't spend nearly as much time with them as I spent with mine.
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Old 05-11-2017, 08:28 AM
 
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Does it really matter what the reason is? It is obvious that either the parents or the grand kids are against it, so if I were you I'd just drop it. Of course it is very disappointing and hurtful, but continuing to push the issue will only make it worse for everyone involved. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 05-11-2017, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Does it really matter what the reason is? It is obvious that either the parents or the grand kids are against it, so if I were you I'd just drop it. Of course it is very disappointing and hurtful, but continuing to push the issue will only make it worse for everyone involved. My heart goes out to you.
I agree with this.

I also have to ask, what is your relationship with your son and DIL like? What was it like before they had kids?

I'll tell you this, I don't like my in-laws for many very valid reasons. They never had much interest in us/our lives prior to having a baby. We saw them maybe 4 times a year and DH would talk to them on the phone maybe 4 times in addition to those visits. They never showed any interest in really getting to know me at all.

Suddenly now that we have their only grandchild they're more eager to visit. They want pictures. They want to babysit. Sorry, but no. They could barely handle basic small talk with me for the 10 years before our daughter was born. They clearly don't think much of me. Why would I hand my helpless baby over to them when they don't even like me?

Obviously my response is colored by my own experience, so it may not apply. But, I think you should think carefully about how life was pre-grandchildren. That's what set the tone for me/my in-law relationship. They didn't care then so I'm not interested now.
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Old 05-11-2017, 04:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
What did the other grandfather tell you? Perhaps it's not the parents but the grandkids don't want to come and stay. Did you want them to come and work on your farm?

I thanked the other grandparents for sharing their trip pictures with us. When I asked them how they were able to pull of the trip and take the granddaughter as well as her cousin - I never got a reply. I didn't expect one but I bet my comments paved the way for a change in attitude.


As for the other part --


My husband's parents owned a farm. They are now long gone. But my husband is familiar with inviting grandkids by themselves for a visit because his parents did it. . . Back in the day. They had their oldest grandson stay all summer and tag along on the farm, learn a days work, got paid for helping out. He returned many a summer.


My dad even invited my youngest son to visit. That visit was specifically to talk and see what career he wants to do. They spent one on one time. My son had been through basic classes at college but at that time hadn't figured out what he wanted to do. He's had another career change since then. But yeah my dad asked him to come out by himself, my son was in his early 20's, and this was a trip from TX to VA. I thought it really sweet my dad took such an interest in him and gave a third opinion on his life path. Some guys don't get that.
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Old 05-11-2017, 05:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
Perhaps it's not the parents but the grandkids don't want to come and stay.

My own opinion. . . I think their mom is very controlling and doesn't want her kids out from under her wing. I also feel that what my husband and I do as grandparents will impact her mothering ability and break into her control.


This is a family of six kids ages 13 - 3. Tell me they don't want to get away for a vacation and at least have a room to themselves. They know we'll go shopping and basically spoil them rotten.


This is a long distance relationship with these grandkids. They live in Ohio and we are in Texas. We've only seen them in a family setting, no one on one time. Now the other set of grandparents (hers) live an hour away from them and they see each other all the time.
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Old 05-11-2017, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nikitakolata View Post
I agree with this.

I also have to ask, what is your relationship with your son and DIL like? What was it like before they had kids?

I'll tell you this, I don't like my in-laws for many very valid reasons. They never had much interest in us/our lives prior to having a baby. We saw them maybe 4 times a year and DH would talk to them on the phone maybe 4 times in addition to those visits. They never showed any interest in really getting to know me at all.

Suddenly now that we have their only grandchild they're more eager to visit. They want pictures. They want to babysit. Sorry, but no. They could barely handle basic small talk with me for the 10 years before our daughter was born. They clearly don't think much of me. Why would I hand my helpless baby over to them when they don't even like me?

Obviously my response is colored by my own experience, so it may not apply. But, I think you should think carefully about how life was pre-grandchildren. That's what set the tone for me/my in-law relationship. They didn't care then so I'm not interested now.
Based on your post, its likely your in-laws aren't very fond of you either. But, it is their son's child and your petty grudge doesn't benefit the only ones who really matter in this equation, the kids.
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Old 05-12-2017, 05:59 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,275 posts, read 4,748,029 times
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Originally Posted by theS5 View Post
Based on your post, its likely your in-laws aren't very fond of you either. But, it is their son's child and your petty grudge doesn't benefit the only ones who really matter in this equation, the kids.
I fail to see how are relationship with people who don't like me will benefit by daughter. You have already said you are not particularly close to your son and his family. You have also implied that you won't follow the parenting rules that you soon and DIL have in place. You are assuming that you aren't getting alone time with your grandchildren because of your DIL, but if you aren't close with your son there's a good chance he agrees with her.

What is it you want to do with your grandchildren that you can't do in front of their parents, anyway?

I'm sure the distance plays a part here. It sounds like you just aren't that close with your son so it comes as no surprise to be that they aren't comfortable turning their children over to you. If I need someone to watch my daughter it is for her and my benefit, not to benefit the person watching her. I use qualified childcare that will follow my instructions.

If you really want to have your mind blown check out the dealing with in laws board on baby center. There are tons of people dealing with situations just like this.
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