Grandparent Didn't Change Me (first, parents, kids, old)
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When first notified my daughter was expecting I was kind of ambivalent about it. Friends commented on how exciting it would be and how it would change my life but I had my doubts. My wife was over the moon with excitement. At party to announce sex of baby, upon hearing results I just hoped the baby would be healthy. Meantime, other grandfather to be was screaming and jumping around the room while I looked quizzically at him. Friends continued to tell me I would no longer want to spend time in AZ (live in OH), I'd be spending free time with the grandchild, etc...
I am very active, road cycling 6000 miles a year, hiking/backpacking 100+ miles an adventuresome type of guy. Grandchild arrived and I was glad both mom and son were healthy and proceeded to head to AZ as I usually do at that time of year. Hardly thought of the grandchild while away 45 days having an exciting time. Came back, the grandchild is adorable, no doubt. When they visit our home, I can take about 15 minutes and then I'm looking for an escape, especially if child cries. It's kind of been there, done that with 3 children and that was enough. Have no interest in doing it again and while I have said nothing, my daughter knows not to ask me to babysit or take what is now a 2 year old to doctor visits, etc... I have 1 friend who is exactly the same but everyone else looks quizzically at me if I express my real feelings so I rarely do. I wonder how unusual am I or what percent of grandparents share my view?
Not me. I love my grand kids maybe more than my own children.
As well I've always been close to my nephews and now great nieces and nephew.
My mother especially, but dad also was close with all their grand kids.
One sister and brother too. My other sister not so much.
People are different.
My husband seems to be the same as me,over the moon and we are excited to be a part of our granddaughters life. My grandad was not very involved (working man who left the dealing with children up to the women folk), BUT I knew he loved me and in his own awkward way tried to show it. I accepted him for who he was and loved him.
the grandchild is adorable, no doubt. When they visit our home, I can take about 15 minutes and then I'm looking for an escape, especially if child cries. It's kind of been there, done that with 3 children and that was enough. Have no interest in doing it again... I have 1 friend who is exactly the same but everyone else looks quizzically at me if I express my real feelings so I rarely do. I wonder how unusual am I or what percent of grandparents share my view?
I see this is an old thread but have to say that I agree with the poster who said there are probably more grandparents who feel this way than will admit to it. Probably because the reaction of many people is to say that they/we are self centered, etc. It is not that. It's just that we have different tolerance and interest levels when it comes to that relationship.
Not everyone fits the white-picket-fence mold of being a grandparent, just like not everyone fits the same mold of being a parent. Some who have been devoted parents feel that they've done their bit/time and don't have any inclination to deal withany of that stuff again. I certainly don't. Once was enough. I haven't held an infant in 30-odd years and that's fine with me; kids running around making noise sets my teeth on edge, and frankly it doesn't matter whose they are. Taking a child to the museum or a restaurant or to a park is my kind of thing, so maybe when my grandchild reaches double digits it will be different. The preschool years with my son were very difficult for me even though he was by no means a difficult child.
Many of my friends see being a grandparent as some kind of lifetime goal, right up there with Getting Married, Owning a Home, and Having A Child. I have never been one of those people. When people congratulated me after my grandchild was born, I was puzzled and wondered What, exactly, am I being congratulated for? Does it mean "Congratulations that your offspring managed to procreate?" (Taken literally, that does appear to be the rationale, lol, since grandparents have no responsibility for the decision or the process!) I guess people assume that being a grandparent has been one of my "life goals" even though it was not. I'd have been just as content if my son and DIL had decided not to have any children; quite possibly more so.
As someone else said, people are different. Not wrong or bad, just different.
I don't think the op, doesn't care for his grandchild he just doesn't want to stop being active. He said that the child brightens up when he sees him so the baby doesn't feel rejected. The op will be a healthier grandfather who could when his grandchild is older take him camping, hiking and other outdoor activities. He will be the cool grandpa.
I adore my grandchildren and babysit two of them 3 days a week and love them to the moon and back. I have known some grandparents whom their kids had to set some boundaries because they wanted to be to much in the grandkids lives.
Well, my Dad wants the grandkids around, but he does NOT want to take care of them. He is lucky his wife does all the caring, cleaning up after, etc. He gets to do the fun stuff and walk away at any time.
I think it's somewhat generational too. My parents were born between 1913 and 1920 and gender roles were different then. Women (whether grandmother or mother) were expected to do all the caring-for, cleaning-up, yadda yadda, while the males would do only the "fun stuff." I wish I could say that things changed dramatically when our Baby Boomer generation became parents, but sadly they didn't. Most of my friends' husbands were not much different in that regard than their fathers were. For example I'm not at all sure that my ex ever changed a diaper. I know for sure he never took my son to a doctor appt or cleaned up after whatever.
I recognize that I am just not a "baby person" nor a "toddler person". On the other hand I have several of friends who adore babies and toddlers "because they're so new and cute and easy", but they cringe at the thought of spending time with a 10 or 12 year old.
I feel very sorry for new parents who have overly pushy "grands." My parents simply let it be known that if I needed or wanted them to come by, all I had to do was call. They never invited themselves over, and certainly never just "dropped in." Dropping in on someone was one of the Seven Deadly Sins of Rudeness in my family! Sleepovers were never asked for, though I'm sure if either I or my son had wanted one they would have loved it. But my son did not want sleepovers, either at anyone else's house or anyone at ours. So it never came up. I didn't ask my parents to babysit unless it was for something like a daytime doctor or dentist appointment; to me it felt like an imposition, but that's the way I was raised: the parents always cared for the child, and the grandparents kind of floated in and out on occasion.
On the other side, my Mother-in-Law From Hell died suddenly when my son was about a week old, and my father-in-law was the see-you-on-holidays type. Which was fine with me because he drank and his eyesight was compromised due to glaucoma (although he still drove!). Thus I would not have felt safe with him as a babysitter or caregiver (nor my MIL either.) If he had been pushy I would have been constantly making excuses, LOL.
Kind of like my mother-in-law: she loves her grandchildren, but she has never been particularly interested in going “grandma stuff”. But, she came from a family where that was norm: they were all very emotionally distant, going through the motions of family life, but no real involvement, and certainly no babysitting. My father-in-law is the opposite: he adores being a grandparent and having those tiny people see him as a super hero; they filled an emotional void that he didn’t realize was there.
My parents adored my son but they conformed to how my family always was: Love, or even a family relationship by itself, was never an excuse for intrusiveness. For example, in my family a closed door was always respected, even if was the child (me) who closed it. A closed door meant "I want privacy" and so others were expected to knock and ask "May I come in?" if they wanted access. And if the answer was "no, not now" it was to be accepted unless the house was burning down, LOL. In a lot of ways my parents didn't treat me like a child even when I was one; I was given a lot of autonomy and my point of view was always listened to. (Unless I started whining, in which case I was reminded to sit down, think about it, and start again whenever I could come up with a reason other than "because I have to" or "because so-and-so got one" !)
When I became a parent, my parents would no sooner have pushed themselves forward in the grandparent role than they would have pushed my closed bedroom door open when I was a child. It's kind of hard to explain but the emphasis on respect, which must include never encroaching into another person's boundaries, was one of the ways in which they expressed love. Part of that was not allowing whatever their own wishes or inclinations may have been, to come first.
Eh, I think I may be like the OP when the time comes. I did/do fine with my own littles, but I really don't love the baby/ toddler phase. I'll prob be a grand within 8 years or so (could be sooner, oldest are in their 20s), but I also have a two year old and I am gonna be burned out of the baby game by the time the next round shows up. And within 15 years I'm going to be looking for some serious free time. 36 years of parenting will do that to you.
That being said, I love, love, love my kids (teens were my fav) and nieces and nephews. But I don't fawn over them. Maybe that's why they like me
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