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Old 01-07-2018, 04:50 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,730,432 times
Reputation: 31039

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Quote:
Originally Posted by VTYankinME View Post
OP, my troll-meter is almost pegged, but I'll bite.

Here's my advice:

Wait on the baby until you and your husband are in the same zip code, whether you rent or own. Many couples rent while they're saving to own. That way the baby's father can be the person who will take a lot of stress of your back and will give you some company while dealing with a newborn. Also, it will promote bonding between them. That's the customary scenario for good reason.

I'm sure your parents will be delighted to come and snuggle the baby, and equally sure they won't bring the dog.

Keep the parents, the husband, the baby, and the dream, but keep it under your own (or rented) dog-free roof. Two years is way too long to live with your parents after marriage, anyway. Take charge of your life as a couple.

I look forward to your response.
Good advice.
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Old 01-07-2018, 09:14 PM
 
15,744 posts, read 13,171,628 times
Reputation: 19636
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
Wait, you are a guest in her home. You want her help with a child you are choosing to have in her home, and you think you get to dictate that she has to get rid of a beloved pet?

She didn't say she wants no relationship with the child, she just doesn't want you to dictate what can and cannot happen in her home. The equivalent would be more similar to the following: assume you are a vegetarian and plan to raise your child vegetarian. What you have done is tell your mother than in order for her to help take care of your child she also has to be a vegetarian even in her own home and at all times.

You husband and you have a right to not have a dog. You do not have the right to tell other people they cannot have dogs.
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:43 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38756
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Wait, you are a guest in her home. You want her help with a child you are choosing to have in her home, and you think you get to dictate that she has to get rid of a beloved pet?

She didn't say she wants no relationship with the child, she just doesn't want you to dictate what can and cannot happen in her home. The equivalent would be more similar to the following: assume you are a vegetarian and plan to raise your child vegetarian. What you have done is tell your mother than in order for her to help take care of your child she also has to be a vegetarian even in her own home and at all times.

You husband and you have a right to not have a dog. You do not have the right to tell other people they cannot have dogs.
Well said.

I can't even imagine a person who is old enough to be married and old enough to choose to become a parent would be so immature that they did not realize this.
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:33 AM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,440,406 times
Reputation: 25604
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
You are an adult taking advantage of your parents. Grow up.
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Old 01-08-2018, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,457 posts, read 2,346,379 times
Reputation: 13839
I don't think it's fair to expect grandparents to babysit or have a grandchild over to their home constantly. Perhaps they want to enjoy their golden years.
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Old 01-08-2018, 05:42 PM
 
Location: CA
2,537 posts, read 850,322 times
Reputation: 3636
This is one of the few threads on CD where you'll find everyone in agreement. I hope after reading all the replies, OP will reconsider her position and see that she's being unreasonable.
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Old 01-08-2018, 09:58 PM
 
1,667 posts, read 690,649 times
Reputation: 2079
My brother is Muslim, converted to marry his wife. I understand the pet reference. But over the years and there's been quite a few, he's opened up to not be as strict. He has 3 cats in his home.

I doubt your mom knows why you took such a hard stand.
I don't know why you got all upset she went out and got a dog. So what? Maybe she needed a companion, someone to give her unconditional love and protection. She knows you'll be permanently moving out. She needs a pet that is just hers to spoil and no one second guessing what she does to take care of him/her.

I understand the pet reference. There are germs with pets and bugs like fleas. There is licking and hair but you know what? I could care less about all of that. I raised my boys with a dog in the home and they never caught any germs or sickness from her. They caught it from visiting family and their classmates, neighbor friends.

There is a cultural difference in handling this. You have to give some and so does your husband. I'll also say that her dog is probably bathed, groomed, and bug free and a lot cleaner than any dog that your husband is comparing it to. He needs to bend a bit on this otherwise you and your new family won't be welcome in your mother's house -- Or your husband may put his foot down and say your mother isn't welcome in our home. Or you can't visit her. The divide between all this needs to come down if you're going to keep a good relationship with your mom and your husband and his stand.

My Muslim brother and his family visited us multiple times. They put up with our pets. They were polite and didn't say a word. Most of their kids spent the night during one visit and yes at that time we had a cat.
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Old 01-08-2018, 11:01 PM
 
1,842 posts, read 967,119 times
Reputation: 4018
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
You are living in their house and you think you should be able to dictate whether or not they have a pet?

Yes, you should move out before you have a baby. Buy your condo, live together for a period of time before you decide if you want to have a child.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:08 PM
 
3,750 posts, read 2,904,872 times
Reputation: 11937
Your Mom raised her kids. She did her job. Now she wants a dog. Her house, her rules.
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Old 01-11-2018, 12:26 PM
 
Location: South Florida
637 posts, read 1,010,047 times
Reputation: 1909
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
....but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will."

OP, please invite your mother to join CD. This exchange with you is just perfect.
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