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Old 01-07-2018, 02:17 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,649 times
Reputation: 15

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Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:04 PM
 
2,442 posts, read 1,048,636 times
Reputation: 9496
That's an unfair comparison and a losing one for everyone and you are subscribing to catastrophic thinking. You live in HER home and you are giving her an ultimatum.

Your concerns are not unreasonable but if you want my advice then I suggest a compromise and you move out somewhere close by.
Your mother gets to keep her dog ( I can't imagine someone dictating to me that I have to get rid of my dear pet as if it's a disposable piece of trash)
You get to keep your baby safe
AND
Your mother can be nearby to offer all the support you need
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:07 PM
 
Location: North State (California)
28,142 posts, read 2,192,400 times
Reputation: 9825
it;s not the dog, its the lifestyle, she has the right to live her life, with her pet, & you have the right to live yours, with no pets. You can't lay down an ultimatum, & say baby or pet, & expect a good outcome. I agree with Spuggy, find a compromise.
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,026 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73626
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
You live in HER home and you are giving her an ultimatum.
Yep, it takes a lot of nerve to think that way.

OP, it's unfair of you to expect your parents to take on the burden of caring for you and your child. It's past time for you to get your own place.
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:14 PM
 
4,293 posts, read 6,391,750 times
Reputation: 12508
This OP will never post back... one post wonder because the replys (all correct IMHO, you live by the rules of the roof you live under) aren't to her liking.
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:19 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,978 posts, read 2,963,042 times
Reputation: 11847
You live in her house. It's not reasonable to ask her to get rid of her dog just because you don't want one around. You would have a point if, say, you had your own place and your mom would not come visit the grandchild if she wasn't allowed to bring her dog. But it's her home, and the dog is already there.

Are you even paying rent/utilities?

If you can't handle a baby without support then you should wait until you and your husband are together and stable, not lay all that responsibility on your mother. It doesn't sound like you're financially ready for a child anyway, does it?
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:21 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,790,060 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by beebee mcgee View Post
Hello all. My husband and I have been married two years and are thinking about having our first child. I am 27 and currently living with my parents, and my husband is 30 and lives 350 miles away for work. He drives home twice a month. Since he is a contractor, we are waiting until he gets a more stable job until I leave my job near my parent's home and move out to join him. We are trying to save up money as fast as we can to put a down payment on a condo.

My husband was born muslim and I converted, so we don't believe in having dogs in the house. My mother knew this before we moved in two years ago, yet rushed to buy a dog before we arrived. We don't know why she made sure to buy the dog before we arrived. This upset my husband but nonetheless he has put up with it. Since he moved out for work 4 months ago things have gotten a lot better in this regard.

Anyways, I sat my mom down to tell her we were thinking about having a child. I want my parents to be in my child's life so I suggested I have the baby while I'm still at home so she can spend time with it before I move out. This would also take a lot of stress off my back and give me some company when dealing with the newborn. She was somewhat excited about it, but then I told her that my husband is totally against there being a dog in the house with a newborn baby. She immediately changed her expression and said 'The dog is staying no matter what.'

So I said, "Alright, then I guess we will move out before I have a baby," and she said, "Yeah I guess you will." I am just shocked that she is choosing an animal over a relationship with us and her grandchild, and also how she has no respect for my husband's feelings about dogs. Does she think the dog will care for her in old age? He has seen many dogs bite children and just does not trust them. I side with him on this issue. I don't think it's fair to tell him to just get over it. It's his child.

It just feels like she has chosen the dog over us, in which case, I will move out ASAP, give birth on my own, and have no one around to support me through this time. My parents are the only family I have besides my husband. Any advice?

Yet you have no respect for your parents home and their rules and you feel it is fair to assume your Mother wants to *take the stress of a newborn off your back*
You chose to convert and you do not have the right to tell your parents how to live their lives since they chose not to convert.


Pot meet kettle...........
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:47 PM
 
Location: on the wind
4,123 posts, read 1,535,580 times
Reputation: 14716
I very much doubt that your mother intentionally "rushed out to buy a dog before I arrived." She was probably thinking of the future when she would no longer have a daughter living at home. Unless she actually told you this I think you are making unfair assumptions about her. I think you are trying to justify her choice to keep her dog instead of cater to you in the same way. You feel that she is doing something to spite you or show disrespect for your religious choice...you are assuming something that may not be true.

Your mother is being very supportive of you and your husband. But you are still asking for a lot more. In fact, I feel you are the one being disrespectful. "Sitting her down", lecturing her about what she can do in her own home. Demanding that she abandon a beloved companion just to suit a religion she doesn't even follow. Feeling slighted, defensive, that she is somehow obligated to you.

You and your husband are adults. Time to stop depending on others. Control your urge to reproduce until you are living with your husband and are in control of your own lives. Set up your own home...then you can dictate what goes on there. I also think you are trying to justify the live-in babysitter by saying you want your mother in your child's life. You can visit. She can visit. There is no magic here. It will probably be healthier for everyone involved.

Last edited by Parnassia; 01-07-2018 at 04:04 PM..
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,026 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73626
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonHB View Post

Control your urge for children until you are living with your husband and are in control of your own lives.
Absolutely.

OP, your marriage will undergo some stress when you are living together again, simply because you will be accustomed to being apart and your husband will be used to much more independence. Let yourselves have time to adjust to that transition without the added stress of a newborn.

Since you appear to have a choice, try to take one major transition at a time.
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Old 01-07-2018, 04:01 PM
 
2,442 posts, read 1,048,636 times
Reputation: 9496
I'd also like to add that if you are going to be true to your faith then you should follow one of the most important concepts for family life in Islam instead of treating your mother with bad will.
"One of the most important concepts for family life in Islam is known as “upholding family ties” (silat ar-rahim). The Quran and Sunnah contain many injunctions calling us to behave well with our family members, even if they are unbelievers, and scholars have compiled these into many works demonstrating the importance of strong family relations."
https://abuaminaelias.com/honor-your...ther-in-islam/
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