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Old 01-11-2018, 09:59 PM
 
6,013 posts, read 2,695,607 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
I would maintain contact with exDIL and grand children. Over time, she may offer some insight, but I wouldn't actually ask her. I would, however, let her know that he has been out of contact for the two years.

I suspect that his behavior has become less than admirable and he doesn't want to face you.
Possible, but since his father divorced his mother, kind of strange that he thinks dad would be that judgemental of him. It doesn't seem to stop him from being in contact with his mother. Although, interestingly our oldest recently said second son could do no wrong in her eyes lol, so maybe that's why.

The only other possibility is that we gave him a large sum of money to buy his first house that was supposed to be a loan and he has never attempted to pay any of it back or mention it and is afraid we will ask for it when he is using every dollar to pay off ex and set up his new life.
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Old 01-11-2018, 10:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Thanks, I agree.

But, my husband is afraid if we do this it will further alienate our son.

I think its more important to make sure the grandkids don't think we have abandoned them. Son needs to articulate whatever his issue is if he wants us to deal with it.
Who cares? YOu haven't seen your grandchildren for a long time - that's not good for them at a time when they're no doubt going through a great deal of upheaval. PTSD or whatever, your stepson is an adult and the kids should be able to have grandparents rather than feeling rejected by them for no good reason.

Stop tiptoeing and reach out to your grandchildren now. This is ridiculous.
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Old 01-11-2018, 10:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Thanks, I agree.

But, my husband is afraid if we do this it will further alienate our son.

I think its more important to make sure the grandkids don't think we have abandoned them. Son needs to articulate whatever his issue is if he wants us to deal with it.

How much further can you alienate someone who has ignored you for two years ? At this point I'd say why let the grandchildren pay the price , they deserve the love of their grandparents, which your son obviously didn't give a rats backside about.
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Old 01-11-2018, 11:27 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,978 posts, read 2,963,042 times
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Send your son a card with a simple note inside letting him know that you love him, miss him, and would love to get back in contact with him. No guilt trips or pressure or big emotional displays, just an open door.

That said, it's not the grandchildren's fault their father is being a twit, so tough noogies if he doesn't want you friendly with his ex. Definitely reach out to her and make arrangements to keep in touch with the grandkids, whether he'd like it or not, as she appears to be the one more open to moving forward like a reasonable person.
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Old 01-13-2018, 03:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
I would maintain contact with exDIL and grand children. Over time, she may offer some insight, but I wouldn't actually ask her. I would, however, let her know that he has been out of contact for the two years.

I suspect that his behavior has become less than admirable and he doesn't want to face you.
Agree 100% with this post.
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Old 01-13-2018, 04:09 PM
 
6,713 posts, read 2,608,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Possible, but since his father divorced his mother, kind of strange that he thinks dad would be that judgemental of him. It doesn't seem to stop him from being in contact with his mother. Although, interestingly our oldest recently said second son could do no wrong in her eyes lol, so maybe that's why.

The only other possibility is that we gave him a large sum of money to buy his first house that was supposed to be a loan and he has never attempted to pay any of it back or mention it and is afraid we will ask for it when he is using every dollar to pay off ex and set up his new life.
That may be exactly why he's avoiding you.
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Old 01-13-2018, 06:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
That may be exactly why he's avoiding you.
Assuming that's true, do you think we should specifically address that with him?

We are not seeking to be repaid the money and if anything, we will adjust our wills to account for this disparity in a gift to him vs the other children. As it seems now, he has likely transferred this money to his ex via the house she is living in and since our grandchildren are living there, we are not begrudging her the money. Also, interestingly, per our DIL married to oldest son, she never knew that our second son had this gift from us to buy their first house which is rather telling in and of itself.

I mean it would be nice if he paid it back or at least addressed it, but we are not experiencing and will not likely experience a hardship if he doesn't pay it back......its more the principle of the thing.
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:07 PM
 
6,713 posts, read 2,608,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Assuming that's true, do you think we should specifically address that with him?

We are not seeking to be repaid the money and if anything, we will adjust our wills to account for this disparity in a gift to him vs the other children. As it seems now, he has likely transferred this money to his ex via the house she is living in and since our grandchildren are living there, we are not begrudging her the money. Also, interestingly, per our DIL married to oldest son, she never knew that our second son had this gift from us to buy their first house which is rather telling in and of itself.

I mean it would be nice if he paid it back or at least addressed it, but we are not experiencing and will not likely experience a hardship if he doesn't pay it back......its more the principle of the thing.
I think that's a really good idea. So your other kids don't feel cheated. Having this conversation is a good idea. Adjusting the will is kind of a painful thing to do - your last communication with him would be a kick in the teeth if you don't word it carefully with advance notice. I think maybe you tell him now that he owes you ____, interest free, and if he can pay it back during his lifetime that would be great, otherwise, you'll subtract it from the inheritance and write that into the will in a loving way. "We were happy to give Jim $____, to support him and our beloved grandchildren, and so the Will has been amended, with his knowledge and blessing, to reflect that difference in the inheritance amounts among our children".

I'm facing this same thing, Blondy, and that's the solution we've worked out. ;D
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:27 PM
 
6,013 posts, read 2,695,607 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I think that's a really good idea. So your other kids don't feel cheated. Having this conversation is a good idea. Adjusting the will is kind of a painful thing to do - your last communication with him would be a kick in the teeth if you don't word it carefully with advance notice. I think maybe you tell him now that he owes you ____, interest free, and if he can pay it back during his lifetime that would be great, otherwise, you'll subtract it from the inheritance and write that into the will in a loving way. "We were happy to give Jim $____, to support him and our beloved grandchildren, and so the Will has been amended, with his knowledge and blessing, to reflect that difference in the inheritance amounts among our children".

I'm facing this same thing, Blondy, and that's the solution we've worked out. ;D
Thanks.

Like I said, we are not really seeking repayment and it will likely have no impact on our future.

But, it is unfair to the other kids in that none of them have asked or received that kind of money although they all have receive some large gifts.

Something to think about.
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Old 01-13-2018, 09:58 PM
 
5,811 posts, read 3,298,927 times
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I would readjust the will and let the other kids know why. If the son who borrowed gets back in contact, I would also tell him at some point. In the unlikely event that he pays you back, the will can always be changed again. Considering everything you've described, I would do it sooner rather than later. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this heartache.
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