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Old 01-11-2018, 06:48 PM
 
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For reasons unknown to us, despite racking our brains, our son has not been in contact for about 2 years.

The last time we saw his 3 children, our grandchildren, was about two years ago when we arranged to meet up at a resort with his family and our oldest sons family. Everything was fine, nothing unusual happened, only thing in hindsight that we noticed was some slight tension between him and his wife and sure enough a year later they were separated and are in the process now of divorce.

In the meantime, he stopped calling including for birthdays, holidays, or returning calls.

At first we chalked it up to a busy work schedule, but it became increasingly obvious that he was simply ignoring us.

I should note this is my husbands son, my stepson.

This year, knowing they are separated, my husband sent an Xmas check to our DIL and sent a card to our son telling him he sent her the check to spend on the kids.

My husband originally thought she might somehow be behind our sons estrangement, but a few days after Xmas a gift showed up of a framed current photo of the grandkids addressed to us by the names they call us. So it seems she is not involved in this.

My inclination is to just call her and arrange to see the kids. What would you do?
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Old 01-11-2018, 07:01 PM
 
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I'd call dil and arrange to see the grandchildren and focus on maintaining a relationship with grandchildren and keeping on good terms with dil.
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
I'd call dil and arrange to see the grandchildren and focus on maintaining a relationship with grandchildren and keeping on good terms with dil.
Thanks, I agree.

But, my husband is afraid if we do this it will further alienate our son.

I think its more important to make sure the grandkids don't think we have abandoned them. Son needs to articulate whatever his issue is if he wants us to deal with it.
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:20 PM
 
Location: planet earth
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Why doesn't your husband ask the son what the problem is?
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Why doesn't your husband ask the son what the problem is?
He has in voice messages. No response.
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:46 PM
 
Location: Canada
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Does your oldest son and your other son talk or is he estranged also? If not, then maybe he can call and get some information out of him as to what is the problem.

If he doesn't live far, the only other thing you can do is go there, knock on the door and confront him. He might slam the door or he might not. If he does slam the door, then you've done all you could to rectify the situation.

I can certainly understand why you are confused when you don't even know what caused this. Good luck~
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Old 01-11-2018, 09:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Thanks, I agree.

But, my husband is afraid if we do this it will further alienate our son.

I think its more important to make sure the grandkids don't think we have abandoned them. Son needs to articulate whatever his issue is if he wants us to deal with it.
How much wider could the alienation be? Your son already knows you've been in contact with the ex-DIL and your grandchildren, so you may as well continue the effort to have a relationship with them.

I would be concerned about the mental health of your son at this point. Marriages break up all the time, but they don't often lead to complete estrangement of one's family. Do you know anybody who is in contact with him?
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Old 01-11-2018, 09:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
How much wider could the alienation be? Your son already knows you've been in contact with the ex-DIL and your grandchildren, so you may as well continue the effort to have a relationship with them.

I would be concerned about the mental health of your son at this point. Marriages break up all the time, but they don't often lead to complete estrangement of one's family. Do you know anybody who is in contact with him?
We were initially concerned because his mother was telling everyone she thought his behavior was attributable to PTSD.......from military combat service.

We were however skeptical based on our previous interactions with him as well as those of his brothers.

In hindsight, I think this was just his mom not wanting to see him as the bad guy in breaking up his marriage.

Its clear now that he was probably having an affair as he has recently produced/introduced a new live in girlfriend.

He is in limited contact with his mother and brothers.
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Old 01-11-2018, 09:40 PM
 
6,013 posts, read 2,695,607 times
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Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Does your oldest son and your other son talk or is he estranged also? If not, then maybe he can call and get some information out of him as to what is the problem.

If he doesn't live far, the only other thing you can do is go there, knock on the door and confront him. He might slam the door or he might not. If he does slam the door, then you've done all you could to rectify the situation.

I can certainly understand why you are confused when you don't even know what caused this. Good luck~
When our second son decided to divorce he sent all his brothers (3 bio/3 step) an email announcing this and asking them to respect their privacy.....like those announcements celebrities put out lol. Then he closed his facebook page.

Only around thanksgiving about a year later did he start reengaging with brothers/mother. Announced he had a new girlfriend. At Xmas he face timed oldest brother and wife to meet new girlfriend. Kinda weird.

Also, akward for them as oldest son's wife and second sons ex wife are best friends from childhood.

In any case, oldest son may or may not know why second son is not talking to us. He says not and husband is loathe to pressure him more and interfere with the brother bond.

Son lives 9 hours away, so we likely will not just show up and knock on his door.
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Old 01-11-2018, 09:46 PM
 
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I would maintain contact with exDIL and grand children. Over time, she may offer some insight, but I wouldn't actually ask her. I would, however, let her know that he has been out of contact for the two years.

I suspect that his behavior has become less than admirable and he doesn't want to face you.
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