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Old 01-22-2018, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,117 posts, read 37,766,222 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I do not openly criticize my grandson.
So your daughter is just mysteriously and randomly resentful about how you talk about her kids? For no reason at all?
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Old 01-22-2018, 03:27 PM
 
5,607 posts, read 4,165,772 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
So your daughter is just mysteriously and randomly resentful about how you talk about her kids? For no reason at all?
Seems to be a lot of backtracking. From anger over giving a gift to a kid who doesn’t behave how she wants to being happy he has hobbies. And from describing her daughter having almost a tantrum over comparisons to I’ve never compared them. From suggesting he may be mentally ill to claiming autism was just a casual observance from her daughters friend. Or my personal favorite from taking satisfaction from ignoring him to playing the “doting” grandma.

Poor kid. With a grandmother like this, who need enemies??
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Old 01-22-2018, 03:42 PM
 
Location: on the wind
4,211 posts, read 1,563,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I do not openly criticize my grandson. To whom? My daughter, his mother , will only tolerate positive comments about him.
You are openly criticizing him to yourself and to us. People tend to be responsible for creating their own bias and also for getting rid of it. This teen is not your child to raise. Respect his mother, respect him. He doesn't light up your stage? Why should he? He could be vicious, stealing, constantly on drugs or alcohol but he isn't. He sees and responds to the world differently than his sister. He's just not catering to your expectations. He's most likely picking up on your disapproval which only makes him more self-conscious.

My sister has 2 college age sons. One happens to be on the autism spectrum; Asperger's. Its not an absolute, nor is it any reason to think less of him. He is a quiet shyer version of his exuberant charming brother. There is nothing "wrong" with either of them. Both are considerate, polite, and loving; in different ways. I wouldn't have them any other way nor would it affect my gifts, except that I ask the advice of their mother when deciding what each might enjoy the most. If you resent giving a gift, you have the power to change that. If you can't change it, don't give the gift...you'll never be satisfied or gratified.

Last edited by Parnassia; 01-22-2018 at 03:59 PM..
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Old 01-22-2018, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,313 posts, read 20,573,599 times
Reputation: 20220
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I do not openly criticize my grandson. To whom? My daughter, his mother , will only tolerate positive comments about him. If I say, "did you notice he spent half an hour at the other side of the room in the corner when his sister sat right next to me?" she would lose it. So I discussed him on city data; not to her! That would be out of the question. No can do.
And if I were crazy enough to compare him to his sister I'd need medical attention. I've never done that. They are as different as they could be with the one exception that they both love church.
People are making things up on here for some reason or else I'm demented and saying stuff I don't recall saying.
I appreciate you not saying anything to your daughter. However, I am sure she can sense it in your actions. You are making it abundantly clear that you don't care for your grandson. Whether or not you realize it your actions come across in person. It sounds as if your grandson has Asperger's please read up on it, even if he wasn't officially diagnosed.

My son is on the spectrum and I have always treated him with love and tried to push him out of his comfort zone. It wasn't until I kept trying to help him make more friends he questioned me. He asked why I kept doing that. He was perfectly happy with the friends he had. That was my 'aha moment'. The same things that make me happy do not make him happy. It's a hard road to navigate, but my son is a wonderful teacher for what he needs.

You need to open your heart to your grandson and love him for all his differences. I am sure it is hard seeing everyone come at you on a message board, but please take this advice to heart.

Last edited by veuvegirl; 01-22-2018 at 04:40 PM..
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Old 01-22-2018, 04:52 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
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First off, you do know that vaccines don't cause autism, right?

Have his parents ever had him evaluated for ASD, or anything? Is it really warranted, or is he just an introvert? He could also have social anxiety.

There are a few possibilities I see 1) is has social anxiety and doesn't know how to converse with you (and/or is an introvert) 2) He is on the autism spectrum or something similar 3) He is a self-centered jerk.

I'm guessing it is #1, and it only seems serious to you because you compare him to his sister. they should both be thanking you for gift, either in person, in a note, or at least a text. The gift isn't payment for their company. It's a gift. As long as you give the sister a gift you need to give him one, too. Especially if his only crime is not being much for conversation.
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Old 01-22-2018, 04:56 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
He's seventeen. And I won't take "it" whatever "it" is, out on him. How would I do that? Besides; I have a nineteen year old grandson who, although he has major problems, is the most lovey dovey, charismatic, talkative, expressive, handsome, verbal, funny, emotional, intelligent kid on the planet. I don't think my daughter is too crazy about him. She always compares them saying her son is never in any trouble which is true. He is my older daughter's child. Wish I had adopted him.
People are different.
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Old 01-22-2018, 05:03 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I do not "fawn over" my granddaughter when he's around. She comes over to me when I'm on the sofa and sits on the carpet next to me and chats. Is she also nuts? I think it's good that he is able to see how many if not most grandkids act towards grandma.
My daughter has a fit, a tantrum almost, if I even begin to compare the two of them. I know she has spoken to a professional about him because last year she told me, "so this person told me he may be on the autism spectrum." I didn't dream that up out of insanity. She termed it, "Asperger's."
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O View Post
I'm sorry; I must not have made myself clear. He has Not been diagnosed with Asperger's. My daughter, his mother, was speaking casually with a friend who has a Master's in Psychology. She described my grandson and the lady said he could have Asperger's syndrome. Any interaction with either the boy or his sister will be quite sparse with them being teenagers steeped in schooling, parties, dances, shopping trips, visits to their dad's house and being with their current love interest.
Why has your daughter not followed up and gotten him help???

As for you, please read up on Asperger's. That will tell you why he acts the way he does. Hopefully you will come to understand that he can't change it, and it isn't about you.
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:48 PM
 
5,917 posts, read 4,063,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Why has your daughter not followed up and gotten him help???
She very well may have and just doesn't feel the need to keep grandma informed. My sister has a son with a difficult to pin down situation which might included shades of ASD, and our mom is the LAST person we'd talk to about it. At least in any detail.
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:49 PM
 
5,917 posts, read 4,063,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
First off, you do know that vaccines don't cause autism, right?

Have his parents ever had him evaluated for ASD, or anything? Is it really warranted, or is he just an introvert? He could also have social anxiety.

There are a few possibilities I see 1) is has social anxiety and doesn't know how to converse with you (and/or is an introvert) 2) He is on the autism spectrum or something similar 3) He is a self-centered jerk.

I'm guessing it is #1, and it only seems serious to you because you compare him to his sister. they should both be thanking you for gift, either in person, in a note, or at least a text. The gift isn't payment for their company. It's a gift. As long as you give the sister a gift you need to give him one, too. Especially if his only crime is not being much for conversation.
Maybe he's just a normal-ish 17 year old who didn't know grandma for his first 9 years and now, at 17, it's a typically rough time to create this kind of bond?
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Old 01-22-2018, 06:54 PM
 
Location: here
24,473 posts, read 28,761,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Maybe he's just a normal-ish 17 year old who didn't know grandma for his first 9 years and now, at 17, it's a typically rough time to create this kind of bond?
yep. totally possible.
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