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Old 01-21-2018, 10:21 AM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 421,294 times
Reputation: 697

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One of my daughters, 47, has two kids. The girl is absolutely gorgeous, sweet, funny, popular, smart and charming. The boy, 18, acts like he has autism or is at least on the autism spectrum. I remember when he was a toddler my daughter made sure he was bombarded with vaccinations. He was allergic to a couple of them, his "private parts" swelled up and he was walking around on his tip toes. I don't have a memory of vaccines and the girl, fourteen.
When they were going through those early years we lived five hours away and she'd bring them on Christmas. I'd be broken hearted about that were it not for the fact that my husband and I were raising my grandson , now nineteen, the child of my older daughter due to her drug use and promiscuity. But yes; I do wish I had spent more time with the younger kids as they are now grown.
My question has to do with the "personality" of my grandson, eighteen. We are now fifteen miles from them. When I am over there in their large media room he does not say one word to me. He sits as far away from where I'm sitting as the room will allow. Up against the wall. If he feels he "has to" say something he whispers it and doesn't look at me. I could write this off as autism except for the fact that he has a wonderful girlfriend-a missionary-gets fairly good grades like A's, B's and C's in a private Christian school, is making payments on a Ford Mustang by working after school in a medical records business, composes music and plays it on his piano, does the same thing with his guitar. In fact, he is paid to play the guitar at adult parties. But I am invisible to him to the point that, at Christmas, I gave him $100 cash and in ten minutes after he saw it he simply walked out and drove off in his car. He is almost addicted to church. He has taught Sunday school, gone on several trips with his church friends and as far as we know has never touched a cigarette or beer. I am angry and hurt. I don't even feel I like this kid or know him at all. I know he talks because he walked into a restaurant and sat down with his girlfriend's father to ask permission to DATE HIS DAUGHTER. So I have never heard him carry on one conversation. What should I do? I gave him $100 also for his birthday which was two months before Christmas. When I enter a family get together his mother says, "tell Nana hello" like he's a toddler. His sister is wonderful to me. I am not the type of grandmother who will attempt conversation with a kid who is so rejecting and standoffish. In fact, I get a certain feeling of satisfaction when I'm over there kidding with his sister and ignoring him. Trust me: he doesn't care.
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Old 01-21-2018, 10:35 AM
 
2,444 posts, read 1,050,580 times
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Stop rewarding his bad behaviour with money and put aside the anger and trying to punish him and getting satisfaction from that. You go there and be polite and if he doesn't want to interact that's on him. You enjoy your time with those who wish to engage. As for presents I'd just give him a card and a small gift card for gas station, or cafe. On the other hand maybe a bible with a quote highlighted about honoring thy family or something relevant
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Old 01-21-2018, 10:49 AM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 421,294 times
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That was a good answer. I do enjoy the others! But I can't just give him a small gift when I want to give a great gift to his sister. My daughter would be very resentful of me if I pulled that trick. And I am positive he has a Bible collection already.
His mother, my daughter, has quite a conundrum: either she has to say "he's autistic, mom" or "he doesn't like you." And because I am involved in this problem of hers I think it causes her to resent me somewhat. It would tear her up if she ever had to pronounce him autistic. Or rude. But as I see it he has to be one or the other.
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Old 01-21-2018, 10:54 AM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
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What effort did you make to foster a relationship with this grandson while he was growing up? Did you ever make the trip to see them? It appears as though you are a stranger to him, and that's on you. He sounds like an introvert with an extroverted sister. Stop comparing them and stop taking pleasure in trying to make him uncomfortable. He sounds as though he's doing just fine without you. As far as the money goes, it's either a gift, or it isn't. No strings should be attached.
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Old 01-21-2018, 11:18 AM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 421,294 times
Reputation: 697
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
What effort did you make to foster a relationship with this grandson while he was growing up? Did you ever make the trip to see them? It appears as though you are a stranger to him, and that's on you. He sounds like an introvert with an extroverted sister. Stop comparing them and stop taking pleasure in trying to make him uncomfortable. He sounds as though he's doing just fine without you. As far as the money goes, it's either a gift, or it isn't. No strings should be attached.

Well, when his mother said he was sick from the vaccinations I left the state to go and help her with him. But he wouldnt remember that at his age.
As far as being a stranger to him I'd consider that an exaggeration but most people would be a hundred times more attentive to a stranger than he is to me. I think he could be an introvert, though. He spends a lot of time in his room ; he likes to be alone. In fact, his dad lives one hundred miles from he and his sister and he will go spend a few days in his dad's condo when my son in law is working.
As far as doing fine without me? He's doing Great without me! If he wants something he gets it. He has another grandmother and she, too gives him very nice gifts. I've never seen him converse with her but maybe I've just missed it.
Both his parents adore him and that's the most important thing.

Last edited by SusanG_O; 01-21-2018 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 01-21-2018, 11:27 AM
 
5,605 posts, read 4,159,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
What effort did you make to foster a relationship with this grandson while he was growing up? Did you ever make the trip to see them? It appears as though you are a stranger to him, and that's on you. He sounds like an introvert with an extroverted sister. Stop comparing them and stop taking pleasure in trying to make him uncomfortable. He sounds as though he's doing just fine without you. As far as the money goes, it's either a gift, or it isn't. No strings should be attached.
All this. Not to mention the weird info on vaccines and the grandson’s church attendance. OP sounds very judgmental, something that probably hasn’t escaped her grandson’s attention.

Some kids do dislike their grandparents for a multitude of reasons, but most are just better at playing the game.

Last edited by UNC4Me; 01-21-2018 at 11:36 AM..
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Old 01-21-2018, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Orlando
1,792 posts, read 2,384,767 times
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I'd try speaking with the other grandmother just to find out if he behaves the same way with her. You can ask her, "I'm concerned about [grandson] because he doesn't ever speak to me, and I wonder how he is when you're with him."

Don't go into your autism theory, don't label him as rude, just ask her what he's like with her. If she has a better relationship with him than you do, it might be worth your while to figure out why.

To answer your original question, yes, I would continue to give him gifts that are similar to those you give his sister.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:35 PM
 
5,917 posts, read 4,056,688 times
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Do the kid a favor and leave him alone.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:40 PM
 
Location: East Texas
506 posts, read 421,294 times
Reputation: 697
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
I'd try speaking with the other grandmother just to find out if he behaves the same way with her. You can ask her, "I'm concerned about [grandson] because he doesn't ever speak to me, and I wonder how he is when you're with him."

Don't go into your autism theory, don't label him as rude, just ask her what he's like with her. If she has a better relationship with him than you do, it might be worth your while to figure out why.

To answer your original question, yes, I would continue to give him gifts that are similar to those you give his sister.
These are important points. No; I've not seen him talking to his other grandmother either. The last time we were all over at her house she (appeared to be making a big show) of walking over to the corner and hugging him then squeezing his cheeks to which he did not react at all. My daughter told me , "she has raised three sons; you have not. She knows they're different." Then a week or two later the above scene occurred. I have no idea if the other grandma, 56, was wanting to show me how affectionate he'd be if she snuggled with him but he certainly did not. But I am definitely going to ask her what she gets from him; how he acts.
But now that I think about it, I met her four years ago at a school assembly to "watch him play trombone." After the program, the musicians filed out walking right past their families . He was about two feet from us walking by and barely glanced at us.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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You don't sound like his grandmother at all ... so detached and almost cruel in the way you describe him. It sounds like you are talking about a kid you've never met before.

Kids his age sometimes are embarrassed to speak to grandparents etc in front of their peers, not because of something you've done but because of immaturity. He obviously has not been coached to do other wise either.

As for the original question, gifts are gifts, given because you WANT to, not out of expectation the recipient will behave in some way. Give it or don't. Just don't punish them for not acting like you thought they would.
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