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Your husband gets upset when you say "my son." That is not even remotely normal.
I really think it's time to start talking to a counselor and a divorce attorney. Not to jump the gun but just to know what your options are and if there are things you should start doing now, so that if you did decide to take that step, you are in the best possible position.
And of course the reality is that you'd end up with even less time with your son because odds are your husband would get some form of shared custody (after being spurred on by his parents to fight for it) and then he'd clearly just hand the baby over to his mother for 100% of his time. You'd be removing some stress but you might end up paying a higher price - that's where talking to a counselor and a lawyer now helps, you'd have a more realistic picture of what would happen and can make your decisions accordingly.
Divorce attorneys normally offer a free consultation. Frankly, I've know several people who have visited divorce attorneys, sometimes more than once, just to get advice.
Even if the advice is as simple as "make photocopies of your tax documents, the baby's birth certificate and these other documents and keep them in a safe deposit box in your name" or "keep a log of X, Y & Z and keep that log at work (or a place that your spouse does not have access to)" or "start saving your money because a divorce may cost $$$$$ and then you will have this expense and that expense and this other expense so be prepared" or something else.
IMHO, if the OP documents how little time her husband actual spends with his child I doubt if he will be granted a lot of time with his child unless his parents fight for him to have 100% custody of "their" child (so that they can raise him).
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Originally Posted by Katarina Witt
I know the brickbats will start flying, but I think those of you who are advising divorce and the like are jumping the gun.
This couple had only been living together for a week when the baby was born. How many of you remember the stress of being a newlywed, learning to make it work? It takes longer than a week. Then the new baby. I recall it taking months to feel "normal" again. Add the stress of going back to work. Sounds like a mess!
I'd recommend, reluctantly, marriage counseling. Everyone has to learn some new behaviors, probably including the OP.
I agree that marriage counseling is the best idea, but didn't the OP suggest that and her husband completely disagreed with her?
IMHO, getting information from a divorce attorney could be helpful. I have a female friend who was considering divorce and when she discovered that she would probably have to pay her chronically unemployed husband years of substantial spousal support AND even though their debts would be divided in half, in practical terms she should expect to be responsible for paying off ALL of the debts AND she should expect to be responsible for paying off all of his student loans, too (as she co-signed them) AND, AND, AND...she decided to give the marriage another try.
It took a few years but it did seem to work out OK.
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Originally Posted by emm74
I also said to proceed slowly and with caution but I think you are downplaying the actions of OP's husband and her in-laws. This is not the normal MIL adjustment, this is a very weird dynamic here, being aided by OP's husband. OP is criticized by her husband for saying "my son" and being told she's selfish and doesn't know how to share because she's an only child for wanting to spending some time alone with her own child. That is well outside the norm and IMO isn't just a matter of time to adjust.
I do agree that any couple who gets married, moves in together AND has a baby all in the same week must be under an unbelievable amount of stress and adjustment. Each of those events is life-changing and putting them all together like that could break even the strongest person. Throw in issues with the in-laws and parents & returning to work after a maternity leave and Man, Oh, Man the stress must be absolutely daunting.
I am hopeful that it does work out for the OP and her husband. Maybe spending the weekends alone with their baby (without either set of grandparents) will be a big step in the right direction. At the minimum the OP will be able to have time to relax a little without the fear of her parents or in-laws barging in and staying for hours and hours. And, maybe her husband will start to enjoy his LO one without his Mom or Dad insisting that it is THEIR TURN to hold "their" baby.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-11-2018 at 06:43 PM..
I can't remember if OP talked to her DH about marriage counseling. There was some talk about pastoral counseling IIRC.
The outlook is bleak:
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Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
You two need some marriage counseling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
Ive brought up the subject a few times. Usually when we are arguing ill blurt out we need tberapy. He doesnt take that very well. Ive also mentioned it when things are good and he gets very defensive about it. Hes confused why i csnt just talk to him and work out our problems together. I try explaining that i dont feel like im getting thrpugh to him and that my wants are being ignored. He just doesnt get it, he doesnt understand why we nees to talk to a stranger. Ive considered talking to our pastor about it. My H respects him abd might listen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
I have suggested this [counseling] and H refuses. According to him, everything is fine. And it probably is fine for him, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to put a smile on my face some days. It’s wearing me down.
It does sound like the OP uses the word "therapy" like a weapon, though, in frustration, which only makes him MORE defensive.
I did manage to stop weekend visits from both sets of gtandparents. But it really was such a struggle. My H was quite upset, but after alot of arguing and tears, i have both days to myself. It has been njce but at the same tine, im constsntly tense because yhe grandparents can call at any time to come over and that will result in ankther fight. Im still called possessive and am told i want to hog baby. I really dont understand ehy im possessive when i want time eith my child but the gtanfparents arent possessive when they want the baby.
My husband also flats out refuses to help with baby on weekends. According to him, i can and should do everythibg because i wanted more time with baby. If i needed help, i would want the grandparents over.
Small a small victory i guess
Seriously, what is wrong with your husband's family?? You "hog" your own child? I don't know how you've managed to not scream at them by now. I'd have cursed every obscenity under the sun after all you've dealt with, then to be accused of hogging your own baby. Why does no one else seem to understand that this is your child? Not theirs. They had their turns as parents. Now it's yours, and they need to back the hell off.
Are your parents this bad or is it only his? Based on other posts, it seems to be only his. Absurd. I'm at a loss of words, really, I don't know how people can be so self-absorbed.
I don't give advice like this lightly, but contact a lawyer. Seek information on what would likely happen if you separate from your husband including whether his parents could have any rights. In many states, AFAIK, they do not, but you never know. Your husband is unwilling to help you with your kid and is also unwilling to support you in your issue with his parents, particularly his mother. He cannot seem to see things how you see things - alarming, because YOU are the reasonable one, not his mom and not him. These, IMO, are pretty major issues.
If he isn't willing to go to counseling with you to sort out the issues he has and therefore, you have, I would seriously consider leaving him, and start gathering any evidence you can to show why you should get custody. This might sound scary, and I don't mean to scare you, but it's been a few months now and your situation is not getting any better, it only seems to be getting worse. There is only so much you can take, and seeing things this differently on something as important as raising your child is bad.
Unless there is something you are not telling us that would explain this behavior from your husband and/or his parents, I'm truly baffled at how people can be so selfish and clueless.
Sorry for double posting, but I replied after reading your update shortly after my posts a few days ago and hadn't yet read the last two pages.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
You’re absolutely right. I allowed it to get this bad by not setting boundaries from the very start. I’m not good at saying no and iv lived my life by not causing waves at all costs. I’m finding it hard to suddenly become th person that stands her ground and not give in. I do care too much about other people’s feelings and needs. I’m trying to slowly set boundaries and put my needs first. I’m trying to not allow other people’s feelings to come befor mine. But I feel like it’s a step forward and 2 steps backwards. It’s slow going but I’m learning to grow a backbone.
I also dislike confrontation, especially with people I am close with or have to see all the time - like you and your parents and in-laws. But they are walking all over you, and it isn't okay. You already have resentment and know you made a mistake. It doesn't matter now how you got to this point, you're here and you need to stay firm in your feelings. YOU are the mother.
It may be a slow process, but keep firm in it. You are absolutely right, your needs do come first, especially when pertaining to your baby. Just don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty or like a bad person in any way, and don't give in. Not even little concessions. No compromises. No "if I can't come Saturday or Sunday, can I stay later than when I normally watch him on Friday to spend more time with him?" NO. If they show up unannounced on Saturday, leave with the baby to show your control and displeasure (not ideal, but it may need to come down to that).
There are ways you can take back control. They may be awkward and you may not like them, but they need to be done. For your and your son. You both have the right to spend quality time with one another, without outside interference. He is an infant, what 4 months you said? You both need this, and deserve this. Just think about that.
And btw I think sending him to daycare when he's a little older is a great idea. Normally I would say you're crazy when you have loving grandparents who want to watch him BUT this is obviously an extreme and different scenario. I just hope all goes well until that point.
My mother in law was strong willed, stubborn, and controlling. The best thing we did as a couple was move across the country from her. I remember when her, her husband, two daughters, their husbands and kids all came down for a Sunday and first meet and greet with the new baby (ours).
They passed him around and I could never hold him. When they left he had a serious diaper rash and was starving. I was so upset.
I can't imagine dealing with this like you are OP.
I still vote with checking out daycare and go that route.
OP you are so ungrateful its sick. You're actually annoyed you're getting help?
MIL, is that you?
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