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Old 10-24-2018, 08:02 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,434 times
Reputation: 155

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Last week MIL did something to LO and lied to my H about it. He kept asking her if she did it and she repeatedly said no. She even went so far as to suggest my parents did it. My H and I called my parents right away to ask and they denied it. My H then questioned his mom again and she kept saying it wasn't her. Long story short, she did it and lied straight to his face. It took her an entire day and night to finally admit the truth.

She has lied in the past and hid things from us about the baby. And she has been caught in the lies. But this time was different because she involved my parents. My H thinks highly of my parents and it is important to him what they think of him. But because MIL involved them and my H and I questioned my parents about it, my H is extremely pissed off at his mom. She just sat there and listened to our conversation with my parents, knowing the entire time that she did it. She would never have owned up to it if she could have gotten away from it.

After that, my H and i decided to take a break from his mom. No more babysitting for her. She did text us both to apologize. Except she never apologized to me. She directed her text to my H, saying she was sorry she lied to him and to tell me to tell my parents she was sorry. She also mentioned she felt bad about it and she feels sad she can't see LO. She feels bad for FIL because the only time he sees LO is when we bring him over to their house.

Basically the entire text was about her feelings. Never once did she apologize to me and i am just as much a parent to LO as my H is. And what she did to LO hurts me more than my H. My H couldn't care less that she did it. He only cares that she made him look bad.

I'm trying to keep it vague as i wish to stay anonymous and i feel like i shared so many details, it would be easy to identity me if you knew me in real life lol.

Anyways, it has been a week of no MIL. And I'm kinda really loving it. I know it won't last forever. Sooner or later she will be around LO again. But I just need to get my H on the same page with me about not using her as daycare. My H agreed that if a paid babysitter did what she did, we would fire them on the spot.

I don't know. She lied about something and took forever to own up to it. Surely that's not a good sign of reliable help right???? I feel blinded because I don't want her around even before this incident happened. I don't know if that it clouding my judgement right now. But a baby sitter that lies about what they did or didn't do to your kid shouldn't be allowed right?
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Old 10-25-2018, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,683 posts, read 41,411,184 times
Reputation: 82038
She can't be trusted, and now everyone knows this.

This may be the epiphany your husband needed in order for the two of you to make some progress. Now he cannot blame all the conflict on you, and honestly HE should apologize to you for doubting you.

That probably won't happen, but please take advantage of this opportunity to talk to him about your relationship and how you consider each other's feelings.

Can you give a hint about what she lied about? Was it something like on Friends when Rachel's sister took the baby and pierced her ears one day without permission? The way you both reacted, it must have been fairly major.
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Old 10-25-2018, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,890 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
She can't be trusted, and now everyone knows this.

This may be the epiphany your husband needed in order for the two of you to make some progress. Now he cannot blame all the conflict on you, and honestly HE should apologize to you for doubting you.

That probably won't happen, but please take advantage of this opportunity to talk to him about your relationship and how you consider each other's feelings.

Can you give a hint about what she lied about? Was it something like on Friends when Rachel's sister took the baby and pierced her ears one day without permission? The way you both reacted, it must have been fairly major.
Well said.

Of course, if a paid babysitter did something wrong and then lied to us about something important - especially if they blamed it on someone else - we would have fired them immediately. Of course, if depends on how you define "important". We were pretty strict about a "well balanced diet" and one babysitter would occasionally/frequently say that she had fed our preschool children fruit and/or vegetables with a meal and we knew that she did not but we discussed it and worked it out. She was a really good babysitter but just sort of lazy and hated to eat fruit and vegetables herself so she never really understood why a well balanced diet was important to us.

Now if a babysitter did something like cut/colored my child's hair, pierced their ears, drove them without a car seat, was drunk while caring for them, injured them, etc. I would never allow them to babysit ever again. Now, if it was a relative, and they were very remorseful and really saw their error, I may reconsider in six months or a year or so. I certainly would NOT forgive them in just a few weeks or a few months.

Now, if it was very serious, if may be appropriate to put a permanent ban on babysitting or un-supervised visits (I have known several parents who have done that with grandparents who are alcoholics - they never allow their children alone with their grandparents).

OP, if this was something serious, please do NOT allow your husband to talk you into forgiving his mother in just a short time. I predict that if you do that your MIL will do something ever worse or take over more "parenting" things rather quickly. From what you have written about her, if you "give her an inch" she will "take a mile".

Last edited by germaine2626; 10-25-2018 at 10:15 AM..
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Old 10-25-2018, 10:16 AM
 
1,145 posts, read 334,944 times
Reputation: 3502
If it involves any kind of physical or mental abuse I would never trust her to baby-sit again. Abusers are always sorry until they do it again. If she let the kids have too much candy.....relax.
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Old 10-25-2018, 03:47 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,434 times
Reputation: 155
She didnt hurt LO physically or mentally. But it is similar to friends where it is somwthing that cant be taken back. Everytime i see LO im reminded of it. That might be a tad bit dramatic on my end, however, im dealing with months aznd months of built up resentment. This was just the final straw.

I had a serious conversation with my H where i told him i csnt trust her anymore and that it will take time for this to heal. Ill always be worried about the next thing. I cant even imagine what that might be. I never thought this was a line she wpukd cross and yet she did.

My H agreed with me that a break is needed. He even thinks it is time for consequences and hopefully MIL will learn somwthing after not being allowed to see DS.

Right now my parents are watching LO all week and it is exhuasting for them. Our daycare does not have an opening anytime soon. Thankfully our good friends agreed to share their nanny with us twice a week untul we can find a daycarw with immedate opening.
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Old 10-25-2018, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,007 posts, read 11,633,974 times
Reputation: 31852
If it's on the ear piercing side vs. giving LO a lollipop when you said no sweets, then yes, she has irretrievably crossed the line. And then of course compounded by lying and blaming YOUR parents.

Honestly, I think it's completely unforgivable so if you forgive at all - meaning giving her ANY contact with LO ever again, then she's luckier than she deserves to be. But she's forfeited the right to be alone with him. Hopefully you can find a good daycare soon and start to heal emotionally - do not discount how traumatic this is, and no, from what you are saying, you aren't being remotely dramatic, this is a huge breach of trust, on top of all the rest of it all of this time.

I guess the only good part is that your husband is now finally seeing his mother for who she really is, and hopefully this will end up strengthening your bond as a couple and as a nuclear family. And hopefully now that LO is a bit older and more interactive, your husband is enjoying him more too, which will make everything more fun for all of you.
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Old 10-25-2018, 05:32 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,890 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
If it's on the ear piercing side vs. giving LO a lollipop when you said no sweets, then yes, she has irretrievably crossed the line. And then of course compounded by lying and blaming YOUR parents.

Honestly, I think it's completely unforgivable so if you forgive at all - meaning giving her ANY contact with LO ever again, then she's luckier than she deserves to be. But she's forfeited the right to be alone with him. Hopefully you can find a good daycare soon and start to heal emotionally - do not discount how traumatic this is, and no, from what you are saying, you aren't being remotely dramatic, this is a huge breach of trust, on top of all the rest of it all of this time.

I guess the only good part is that your husband is now finally seeing his mother for who she really is, and hopefully this will end up strengthening your bond as a couple and as a nuclear family. And hopefully now that LO is a bit older and more interactive, your husband is enjoying him more too, which will make everything more fun for all of you.
Well said.

----------------------------

BTW, if it is that MIL had LO's ears pierced I am pretty sure that if you remove the earrings they will close up within a day and not leave a mark. Ask your pediatrician what to do.

Now, if she did something more serious, and more permanent, like a tattoo or had a boy baby circumcised (both pretty unlikely) I would contact the police so she could be charged with battery or another crime. Technically, having ears pierced on a child, without the parents permission, is a crime, too, but I'm not sure if the police would arrest a grandparent for doing that.

If it was done at a piercing salon or a similar business I bet that they could lose their license because they did not get legal permission, from the parent/guardian to do the piercing. When I went with my 17 year old daughter for her to have a piercing at a piercing salon, I had to sign two different forms saying that I was her legal guardian plus they kept a photocopy of my driver's license, of course, your state may be different.

Last edited by germaine2626; 10-25-2018 at 06:08 PM..
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Old 10-26-2018, 08:31 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,772,448 times
Reputation: 25416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
She didnt hurt LO physically or mentally. But it is similar to friends where it is somwthing that cant be taken back. Everytime i see LO im reminded of it. That might be a tad bit dramatic on my end, however, im dealing with months aznd months of built up resentment. This was just the final straw.

I had a serious conversation with my H where i told him i csnt trust her anymore and that it will take time for this to heal. Ill always be worried about the next thing. I cant even imagine what that might be. I never thought this was a line she wpukd cross and yet she did.

My H agreed with me that a break is needed. He even thinks it is time for consequences and hopefully MIL will learn somwthing after not being allowed to see DS.

Right now my parents are watching LO all week and it is exhuasting for them. Our daycare does not have an opening anytime soon. Thankfully our good friends agreed to share their nanny with us twice a week untul we can find a daycarw with immedate opening.
Thank goodness she didn't harm your baby but your MIL has shown her true colors--she thinks of herself as your child's mother. I hope you are able to keep her from caring for your child in the future and that she will only be allowed supervised visits.

I'm sorry for all you've had to put up with but glad that your husband is finally on your side--at least a little bit. Your MIL will be back with every sob story in the book, but don't fall for it. She crossed a line and cannot be trusted.
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Old 10-26-2018, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,890 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Thank goodness she didn't harm your baby but your MIL has shown her true colors--she thinks of herself as your child's mother. I hope you are able to keep her from caring for your child in the future and that she will only be allowed supervised visits.

I'm sorry for all you've had to put up with but glad that your husband is finally on your side--at least a little bit. Your MIL will be back with every sob story in the book, but don't fall for it. She crossed a line and cannot be trusted.
Another great post.
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Old 10-26-2018, 02:41 PM
 
13,369 posts, read 6,608,031 times
Reputation: 12823
Yeah, no, people who are so psycho as to have been trying to almost steal this baby all along, do things they KNOW are wrong, know how wrong so well they lie about it and even blame it on other people?

She is never going to 'learn her lesson'. She can't. She is pscyho.
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