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Old 12-26-2018, 08:54 PM
 
Location: here
24,695 posts, read 29,162,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I feel like Iíve been making a lot of progress and have been working on myself. We took a few weeks break from MIL and it was much needed. My therapist convinced me that silence wasnít enough and that I needed closure for myself. I sat down with MIL to talk about th incident and I truly feel like sheís sorry and realize why what she did was wrong. I think cutting her off from LO made her realize that she can not do whatever she wants. She listened to me and heard where my feelings were coming from. I felt like moving forward, if she does something I do not like, I can talk to her directly about it and hopefully she will stop. This was one of the most awkward, most uncomfortable conversation Iíve ever had to have. But I feel like it did help me.

That said, LO is enrolled in daycare earlier than originally planned. Heís going part time but that means each set of grandparents only sees him once a week. Mentally, this has really helped. I donít want to cut off MIL from LO but th trust is not there and I donít know if it ever will be. She Watches LO once a week for half a day and never alone. I make my H stay over the entire visit. I donít know if it helps but it certainly canít make it worse.

One of my most challenging hurdles is to realize that it is not up to me to make everyone happy...especially if it is at my own expense. In the past, Iíve given In to the boundary stomps because it was easier than confronting th problem. I allowed the grandparents to overstep by not saying no. I was afraid of tension and I was afraid to stand up for myself. I couldnít handle th people around me to be unhappy with me. But my therapist is slowly working with me and helping me to realize that as long as my ďno thank youĒis polite and not rude, it is ok for me to say no. And it is ok for other people to b upset with my no. And Their unhappiness is not my problem. I still try hard to avoid situations to make others unhappy but Iím getting better at it.

For example we went to my in laws for Xmas dinner yesterday and to exchange presents. I know MIL wanted LO to sit next to her so she could fee him. And in the past, I would have been bothere by this but allowed it. But yesterday, I insisted LOís high chair b placed next to me. I spoke up and fed my kid his dinner. With MIL standing over my shoulder the entire time. And as weird as that was, I ignored her. Fed my kid and talked to other people. As small as this is, this was a really big step for m towards taking care of my own kid.

Definitely still struggle with my H. He has told me that he feels insulted that I have something against his mom. And that they are his blood. I donít know how best to explain my feelings. I donít hav anything against his mom. I just need time for myself to recover. Time for th trust to be gained again. Iím just reacting to a situation I was put in and dealing with the aftermath as best as I can. But that takes time.

anyways, happy holidays!!!
Sounds like you are making good progress. I'm glad.
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Old 12-26-2018, 09:03 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,303 posts, read 38,868,907 times
Reputation: 76287
Yes, lots of breakthroughs in this post, OP.

GOOD for you!

Having kids really forces us to grow up ourselves and address lingering emotional issues. You are doing this. It will be great for your child to grow up with a mom like you.

I'm not so enthusiastic about your marriage, though, and its survival. I hope your husband does some work of his own. It's funny to me that he stays with his mom while she keeps the baby. I mean I understand it, but it seems like a way for them to collude against you.

At any rate, keep it up! Now that you've had "the talk" with your MIL, the truth is out there, and people will have to be accountable for their behavior.
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Old 12-27-2018, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,522 posts, read 10,512,842 times
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OP, sounds like there has been good progress. I think it's going to take a while for your husband to recognize the inappropriate dynamics with his mother, but it's great you are sticking to your (very reasonable!) boundaries. Your son will benefit from that in the long term and hopefully eventually your husband will come around.

While I do understand BirdieBelle's comment about your marriage, I still think that staying in this marriage is the better option for your child, at least while he's this young. Otherwise, your MIL will completely trample over any appropriate boundaries when DS is with his father - your presence is what is preventing that from happening.
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Old 12-27-2018, 04:03 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,303 posts, read 38,868,907 times
Reputation: 76287
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post

While I do understand BirdieBelle's comment about your marriage, I still think that staying in this marriage is the better option for your child, at least while he's this young. Otherwise, your MIL will completely trample over any appropriate boundaries when DS is with his father - your presence is what is preventing that from happening.
I agree, especially about the potential breakdown of boundaries with the MIL.

I hope that for the OP's overall mental and emotional health through the years, she and her husband can do some intensive work on their marriage so that they are together because they want to be with each other, not just for the sake of the family.
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Old 12-28-2018, 07:25 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,522 posts, read 10,512,842 times
Reputation: 28747
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I agree, especially about the potential breakdown of boundaries with the MIL.

I hope that for the OP's overall mental and emotional health through the years, she and her husband can do some intensive work on their marriage so that they are together because they want to be with each other, not just for the sake of the family.
That would be ideal of course, but for her son's sake, I just hope OP can stick around for long enough for him to be older and more able to handle MIL's inappropriateness.

And of course totally none of my business, but OP, I would think VERY VERY VERY carefully before having another child. Trust me, I know it's tempting, and you'd be far from the first woman heading towards divorce who figured she may as well have her second kid first so she gets the 2 child family she wants. But that just gives more fodder for your MIL - and not necessarily in the ways you might expect. She could be just as crazy and trying to be domineering over a second child, or I've seen the opposite too - where the grandmother seemingly resents the second child for taking attention away from the first child and ends up being downright cruel to the second kid. With your MIL, she's crazy enough that all bets are off!
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Old 12-29-2018, 10:26 AM
 
12,217 posts, read 5,817,754 times
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Good for you!
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Old Today, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,113 posts, read 7,343,396 times
Reputation: 2634
OP,

You are learning valuable lessons for the future. Standing up for yourself and your child. You seem to want to understand others too. That’s also a good thing. There will come a time when there’s an incident involving your son and you’ll need to look at both sides before coming to a conclusion.

I read enough to get the general understanding of your situation. Your concerns are valid. I saw lots of red flags from your very first post.

No advice from me. You’re handling it beautifully. Keep going with your gut. You’re doing great!
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