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Old 03-20-2018, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,075 posts, read 37,716,477 times
Reputation: 73739

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I have spoken with my mom. Her advice regarding in laws and Sunday is to give in. She told me to be generous with my time.
You are not being stingy with your time, and your mom may have meant well but she should not have said that because all it does is make you feel guilty.

This is the biggest problem with using grandparents as day care: There is no "Clocking out." They come early, stay late, ask questions about what you did and THEN drop in on weekends because, well, they're family.

The best part about babysitters is that you pay them and THEY LEAVE.

Please sit down to talk this out with your husband. Y'all need a reset, and if you need family counseling to help establish boundaries, then please seek it.

This article might help:

https://www.popsugar.com/moms/How-Se...-Baby-42985522
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Old 03-20-2018, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,137 posts, read 3,642,102 times
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Some men and some women aren't the nuturing fathers and mothers that others are. Some don't enjoy the infant stage and that's ok too, to a point.

OP, your husband doesn't seem to be bonded with your child. I think the only way he will become more involved is if you MAKE him more involved.

Go out with your friends on occasion and leave the baby with him (not him and his parents or he'll just hand over the baby). Have him change the diaper and bathe him more often ALL by HIMSELF. He will see that it isn't as hard as it seems and he'll stop wanting to "go into the other room"
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Old 03-20-2018, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,075 posts, read 37,716,477 times
Reputation: 73739
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Go out with your friends on occasion and leave the baby with him (not him and his parents or he'll just hand over the baby). Have him change the diaper and bathe him more often ALL by HIMSELF. He will see that it isn't as hard as it seems and he'll stop wanting to "go into the other room"
... or the OP will come home and find that he invited his parents over to "help him babysit."

In all seriousness, this is a great idea because it sounds like part of the problem is that the grandparent overdose has kept them from setting their own routines, in which Dad would have naturally become bonded with the baby and would feel more inclined and capable of caring for him.
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Old 03-20-2018, 01:52 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,001 posts, read 1,780,161 times
Reputation: 13799
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I have a demanding job so I donít see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, itís the grandfathers turn..
Both parents work 6 days a week?

I used to work long hours too & I had lots of "LO's". It sucks, I know. Once I sort of fudged a doctor's release so I could go back to work only 7 days after having my baby. And I was working 12-hour shifts, an hours drive away. That didn't work out so well; I would not recommend that at all.

I had already been back to work full-time for a month when my first set of twins were finally able to be discharged from the NICU. They weighed less than 5lbs, wore cardiac monitors & were both on oxygen. That was a nightmare.

A 6-week old at a day-care center (germ breeding-ground)? Yup. Been there done that too.

$2,000 a month for childcare? Definitely! In other areas, I probably could have expected to pay even more.

Now I have a disabled 14-year old, my youngest, for whom childcare would exceed three times that $2,000, so I can't work. Let me rephrase my first sentence:

"Both parents get to work 6 days a week?" Wow. You should be very grateful for that. It may not always be that way. Make sure you save a lot now; I wish I would have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
With my MIL, I feel like Iím co parenting. She parents my child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Iíve dropped a ton of hints when theyíre around and I know my MIL knows how frustrated I am but it doesnít stop her from imposing herself. At least with my FIL, he doesnít push himself on us. Heís happy to visit whbe asked and go home when itís time. MIL is a different story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
They wer full time child care, plus they slept over every Friday night. I feel like my in laws expect this to happen as well with my son. But thatís not what I want. I tried to be nice and subtle but I think itís to b more firm in my wishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
MIL doesnít have any friends or hobbies that I know of. Itís a bit overwhelming that she constantly volunteers to come over when it is not needed.
Yeah, I kind of think there is an In-law thingy-issue going on here. Actually; a Mother-In-Law thingy. MIL is apparently imposing, can't take a hint, has too many expectations & is overwhelming because she doesn't have friends or hobbies. Okay.

Your parents, on the other hand:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
With my parents, they just play with LO.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
With my mom, she volunteers and has a blog so she doesnít have that desire to constantly come over. Outside of the time she spends with aLO, she doesnít ask for more.
... Are the epitome of everything to be desired in playful grandparents who are also the pillars of society.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
DH is useless and doesnít see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time.
Maybe he just doesn't see anything wrong with his parents being around, the same way you don't see anything wrong with yours.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegabern View Post
Stop dropping hints. Speak up for yourself in clear terms. What you're asking for is more than reasonable. You're bending over backward for these people.
OP is asking for: Sixty hours a week of free childcare. Or 240 hours per month.
MIL is asking for: One hour a week where she doesn't have to be the free childcare. Or; 4 hours per month.

If OP is "bending over backwards", then the grandparents are doing backflips.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
LO is 4.5 months old and Iím afraid Iím already missing out on so much. Heís doing someone new everyday and often Iím th last to find out about it. I donít know.
Yeah, that's part of the "it sucks". I missed my youngest son's (the disabled child)first words. He said them at school. I had waited 5 years, so I had to just be happy he finally spoke at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frihed89 View Post
My wife is a grandmother. We live about 10 miles from the home of her son, his wife and children. We care for their children (7 and 5) at our place and theirs, when they have conflicting work schedules, when 1 or both kids are sick, when they want a night out, or just want some peace and quiet.

That is why grandmothers always have to be around.
I love this post. My children only have 1 grandparent left out of the 4. IMO; grandparents leave us far too soon already.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Donít get me wrong, I realize how lucky we are and how lucky LO is to have some much love.
But do you know just how lucky you are ... to be that lucky?
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:14 PM
 
57 posts, read 33,280 times
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No, I work 5 days a week. Monday through Friday. But grandparents take up Saturday. My H works for himself so many days he has nothing to do, some days it’s nonstop work.

I don’t want any grandparents as childcare. I felt that way before the baby was born and I feel that way now. I’m not taking advantage of them because they want to do it. In fact, when I suggested sending him to daycare, my MIL had a mini meltdown. My mom enjoys watching LO but she also supported my decision for daycare.

I don’t have a problem with FIL. He is respectful of the time spent with baby. You’re correct it is MIL who is imposing outside of th entire week days and hours on Saturday she sees LO. She’s the only grandparent who is pushing for Sunday hours. FIL tags along but it is her asking fo extra time. So yes, I do hav an issue with that.

Yes grandparents die. Parents die. All th grandparents ere parents already. MIL was a stay at home parent so sh didn’t miss out on her kids growing up. When my son has kids, is that when I’m going to get to spend most of my time with babies? With my grandkids? I don’t know it’s a tricky situation.
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:18 PM
 
57 posts, read 33,280 times
Reputation: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
... or the OP will come home and find that he invited his parents over to "help him babysit."

In all seriousness, this is a great idea because it sounds like part of the problem is that the grandparent overdose has kept them from setting their own routines, in which Dad would have naturally become bonded with the baby and would feel more inclined and capable of caring for him.

Yep thatís happens before. I would come home to find my in laws with baby while H is on his phone. Because of this, Iím very reluctant to leave him completely alone with baby. Iím beginning to feel resentment and anger which might or might not be fair. But when Iím around, lll try to get him more involved.
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:19 PM
 
57 posts, read 33,280 times
Reputation: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
I agree!


The grandparents have them all week, that's enough! The weekends are your time to be with your child. PERIOD, put your foot down. I would suggest to be careful how you say it though as they are your caregivers.


I would also say to be grateful that the grandparents are in your child's life. My MIL is ALL about herself and very rarely see's my children. She doesn't even call or see them on their birthdays, it's very sad. Plus to know your child is being cared for by their grandparent instead of a stranger at daycare is another huge pls so tread lightly!
I just wish there was a happy medium with GP spending too much time vs too little time.
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,075 posts, read 37,716,477 times
Reputation: 73739
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I’m beginning to feel resentment and anger which might or might not be fair.
Would he be open to counseling? I think you two could benefit from couples counseling.

If he takes suggestions well, try to talk to him about your feelings and the conflict it's causing. You're not wrong to feel this way, and although people always step in here to remind posters of how lucky they are to have grandparents in their lives, the truth is that not all grandparents are welcome all the time.

Situations like this are really great at pointing out areas of our own lives we need to work on. In this case, it sounds like communication and expectations between you and your husband could stand to be improved, and emotional boundaries with you and the grandparents could be stronger.

I do think coschristi has a great point about your comfort level with your own parents influencing your interactions with them and your perception of your in-laws. It's just one more thing as a mom that you have to figure out
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,638 posts, read 3,319,645 times
Reputation: 12748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Yep that’s happens before. I would come home to find my in laws with baby while H is on his phone. Because of this, I’m very reluctant to leave him completely alone with baby. I’m beginning to feel resentment and anger which might or might not be fair. But when I’m around, lll try to get him more involved.
Ok, Im sorry but that’s ridiculous and an entire problem in itself! Your DH NEEDS to know how to take care of his child alone! You need to teach home if he doesn’t know how or sign him up for a class! When I had my first child I had never fed a baby, changed a diaper or anything! My DH has very young siblings when he was s teenager and knew how to do everything do he taught me plus instinct just kinda came in.

What you’re describing is unacceptable and it needs to be addressed as that’s a bigger issue than the grandparents!
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Old 03-20-2018, 02:43 PM
 
15,197 posts, read 16,049,554 times
Reputation: 25103
There's nothing about this situation that cannot be remedied by clear communication. You're an adult and a mom so it's time to speak up about getting your weekends to yourself. Can't the grandfathers visit while the grandmothers are taking care of the baby?

Your husband needs to step up and take your side on this. But if he won't, you'll have to speak up for yourself. Acknowledge that you're grateful for all their help but say exactly what you said here--that you miss him all week long and you want some time with just him and your husband on the weekend. Say it with kindness and a smile and then stick by it.

Good luck to you.
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