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Old 03-20-2018, 03:54 PM
 
9,780 posts, read 7,647,539 times
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Some people are good with babies, some with elementary kids and some with teenagers.

My DH was a tad intimidated about babies and young elementary kids. But when they hit 10ish, he was great. He did every kind of ball they wanted. He was great taking them to practice driving and that sort of thing.

Count your blessings before you decide he has never bonded and send him off to therapy.

But his mom and dad would have been sleeping on our couch for 6 months after we had the first. I just took the baby and left. They thought i had postpartum depression and left me alone for a while.
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Old 03-20-2018, 03:55 PM
 
2,054 posts, read 983,643 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
No, I work 5 days a week. Monday through Friday. But grandparents take up Saturday. My H works for himself so many days he has nothing to do, some days itís nonstop work.

I donít want any grandparents as childcare. I felt that way before the baby was born and I feel that way now. Iím not taking advantage of them because they want to do it. In fact, when I suggested sending him to daycare, my MIL had a mini meltdown. My mom enjoys watching LO but she also supported my decision for daycare.

I donít have a problem with FIL. He is respectful of the time spent with baby. Youíre correct it is MIL who is imposing outside of th entire week days and hours on Saturday she sees LO. Sheís the only grandparent who is pushing for Sunday hours. FIL tags along but it is her asking fo extra time. So yes, I do hav an issue with that.

Yes grandparents die. Parents die. All th grandparents ere parents already. MIL was a stay at home parent so sh didnít miss out on her kids growing up. When my son has kids, is that when Iím going to get to spend most of my time with babies? With my grandkids? I donít know itís a tricky situation.

You are this child's mother so you get to decide what is best for him and how to raise him. Your child can't and shouldn't be used by your MIL because she has no other interests or friends. Who lets her into your house on the weekends? That has got to stop. Weekends should be your immediate family time and not extra time for MIL to come and play with a child she has seen all during the week. Calmly state that she can not come to your house on weekends because it is private family time. She might throw a tantrum but stand firm- you and your husband need this time to bond with your child.

And your husband needs to start connecting with his child. I assume that he wanted the child- did he have unrealistic expectations about how babies act (my older brother and sister were disappointed when I came home from the hospital because they thought that they were getting a playmate instead of a baby that slept a lot!). He needs to learn to take care of his child alone without resorting to calling his parents over. It's hard work taking care of a child and often monotonous when they are babies but the rewards are worth it. He may or may not change when baby turns into a toddler and starts talking, i.e. becomes more interesting to be around.
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Old 03-20-2018, 03:58 PM
 
18,775 posts, read 6,129,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Iím seeking some advice from grandparents because I donít know what to think.

Ever since I had DS last November, itís been a constant stream of grandparents and Iím at the point where I canít take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.

Now that Iím back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I donít see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, itís the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. Theyíre not deprived of grandkid time.

That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And Iím sick of it. Iím sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like Iím co parenting. She parents my child.

DH is useless and doesnít see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. Iím fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I donít see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? Heís my son and I have to share him with everyone.

So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why canít they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because Iím beyond frustrated.
I don't understand this, sounds like you've elected for grands to be child care for you. They probably need to stay away on weekends at this point if they take care of your child all week.
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Old 03-20-2018, 05:07 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,489,790 times
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OP...you have to get your own voice and enforce it. Even if it makes waves.

On the flip side, my kid's grandparents aren't good to them...don't seem to cherish them...didn't even come visit until they were toddlers, etc. So part of me just thinks "grow a pair and set some limits but be grateful they care"...but then again I have never been in your shoes. So I shouldn't judge.
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Old 03-20-2018, 05:22 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,237 posts, read 15,033,121 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I suspect that your husband has not bonded very well with his child, maybe in part because the three of you have limited time together. I would especially encourage just the three of you doing things together. And, leaving Hubby in charge of Baby more often. I recently moved to a new apartment complex and I have noticed that almost every time that I see a little baby or a toddler being pushed in a stroller it is by a man. I doubt if they are all single parents, I bet that it is one way for the dad to have a regular "special time" with their child and maybe give Mom a break. Does your husband do things like that? Or just hold his child and sing songs to him or just talk to him? Does your husband participate in the regular, loving parenting responsibilities, like giving your son a bath & getting him dressed or changing his diaper or feeding him or reading him a story and putting him to bed?

It is possible that having the grandparents "take over" on weekends may be hindering your husband's growth as a father.
I'd say his growth as a father is definitely being hindered but not sure if it's the chicken or the egg kind of thing.


As a working Mom myself - I cherished my week-ends with my baby/child. I perfectly understand you wanting to be with your son on the week-ends.


Have you thought about trying a "Mommy and Me' kind of thing on the week-end? This would keep you busy so that Grandparents can't butt in and give you special bonding time. Daddy definitely needs something like this if you can find it.


I made friends with other people my age with similar aged toddlers/babies - and we got together at each other's houses on the week-end. We could socialize AND bring our babies; the adults (men and women) had fun too. This would also keep you busy and grandparents at bay on the week-ends.


It's like we raised our kids together and they were my lifesavers at times.


Lastly, I think this will be short lived. Before you know it - your son will be involved in sports, playgroups, music lessons, whatever . . and you will have precious little free time on the week-end. A lot of these activities start as early as 4.


There will be a time when you might want a free night on the week-end; there should be a happy medium to this extreme.
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Old 03-20-2018, 05:57 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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I hate to bring this up, but is it possible that the grandparents simply do not believe that you or your husband are capable of being loving, skillful parents? As an early childhood teacher I have seen this a few times with teenage parents or parents who had "issues" in the past (drugs, mental health problems, etc). The grandparents take over because they are worried about the safety of their grandchildren. Of course that also happens with narcissistic grandparents, too ("NO ONE, not even the my grandchild's mother or father could ever care for the child as well as I can care for him").

And, I have seen this thing start a down ward spiral, because Mom and Dad are inexperienced with a new baby Grandma insists that she bathe Baby, she feeds Baby, she selects the clothes for Baby, she comforts Baby etc. So instead of the parents learning these skills naturally they rarely or never get the needed practice. I wonder if that is what is happening to Dad. He is a little hesitant around his child so he calls Mom and Dad to "come to his rescue" and care for his child. And instead of watching and learning he just retreats to his phone or another room because he thinks that he could never do it as well as they are doing. So the next time LO is in his care he is even more worried and more hesitant to be alone with child because his parents do it so skillfully so he backs away from his child even more.

Just another possible reason why the Grandparents insist on being at your house so often.
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Old 03-20-2018, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,048,458 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Iím seeking some advice from grandparents because I donít know what to think.

Ever since I had DS last November, itís been a constant stream of grandparents and Iím at the point where I canít take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.

Now that Iím back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I donít see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, itís the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. Theyíre not deprived of grandkid time.

That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And Iím sick of it. Iím sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like Iím co parenting. She parents my child.

DH is useless and doesnít see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. Iím fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I donít see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? Heís my son and I have to share him with everyone.

So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why canít they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because Iím beyond frustrated.
This isn't a question for grandparents. This is a question for you and your husband. You're the ones who set up this schedule. Don't like it? It's up to you to change it. I never would have said grandfather's have the child on Saturdays. I wouldn't allow Sunday visits either.
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Old 03-20-2018, 07:21 PM
 
1,195 posts, read 849,139 times
Reputation: 2011
For most part, you are not sharing your child, but blissfully getting free of charge day care with built-in disease, violence, abuse, and food quality control. Think of it this way. Or, you can always send them all away for a couple of months trip abroad, they already saved you tons of $$.
Or, it can be a problem with you DH, or else, your postpartum problems (if last Novermber was November 2017). Sort it out before taking actions.
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Old 03-20-2018, 07:28 PM
 
Location: West Central Ohio
387 posts, read 199,062 times
Reputation: 578
I watch my Grandson's and I am beyond in love with them both. They get so much love in this house that they walk in knowing they are loved and wanted. I allow my daughter and her husband space when they go home. I always call ahead before I go over if I need too. My daughter is my little girl who is now my friend.

My daughter's in laws work full time so they don't get the boys as much. My oldest spends the night every month or two the youngest doesn't want to yet.

But these boys are so blessed that they have the gift of unconditional love.

I did daycare for over 30 years. I saw parents sad that I saw their firsts. I have so many of my former kiddo's that I love still and they know they are loved. This past Christmas one of the twins I watched years ago come to see my husband and I just to let us know that they love us.

Love wins
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Old 03-20-2018, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Boonies
1,770 posts, read 2,585,285 times
Reputation: 2309
I have grandchildren and rarely get to see them. I wish they lived closer. My kids always loved visiting with their grandparents. They only have one left now and now as adults, they look back on their younger days and reminisce about their times spent.

Then you have situations where the grandparents are devoting their entire time to raising their children's children after they have raised their own. Seems like there has to be a happy medium.
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