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Old 03-20-2018, 08:15 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,157 times
Reputation: 155

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Quote:
Originally Posted by anitak1982 View Post
I watch my Grandson's and I am beyond in love with them both. They get so much love in this house that they walk in knowing they are loved and wanted. I allow my daughter and her husband space when they go home. I always call ahead before I go over if I need too. My daughter is my little girl who is now my friend.

My daughter's in laws work full time so they don't get the boys as much. My oldest spends the night every month or two the youngest doesn't want to yet.

But these boys are so blessed that they have the gift of unconditional love.

I did daycare for over 30 years. I saw parents sad that I saw their firsts. I have so many of my former kiddo's that I love still and they know they are loved. This past Christmas one of the twins I watched years ago come to see my husband and I just to let us know that they love us.

Love wins

ďMy oldest....Ē
But he is not your oldest right? Heís your daughterís. I apologize if I come off as rude or defensive but I really am curious and trying to see things from a grandparents point of view which is why Iím here. Do you view your grandchildren as yours? Do you really think grandparents need to see the kids that often for them to feel loved...? And if grandparents take up so much time, when exactly are the parents suppose to bond with their kids?

In my situation, I have grandparents over 6 out of 7 days for most of the day. And the 7th day is being slowly taken as well. I understand GP loves the babies but is there really a need to be around that often...?
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:20 PM
 
Location: Fairfield, CT
5,819 posts, read 8,548,308 times
Reputation: 6206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.

Ever since I had DS last November, it’s been a constant stream of grandparents and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.

Now that I’m back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I don’t see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, it’s the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. They’re not deprived of grandkid time.

That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like I’m co parenting. She parents my child.

DH is useless and doesn’t see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. I’m fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I don’t see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? He’s my son and I have to share him with everyone.

So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why can’t they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because I’m beyond frustrated.
You're going to have to establish a policy that relatives only come over when invited.

Your problem is one of excess riches, effectively. Some people complain that they can't get their parents or in-laws interested in or involved with their kids, while you have the opposite extreme.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:23 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I hate to bring this up, but is it possible that the grandparents simply do not believe that you or your husband are capable of being loving, skillful parents? As an early childhood teacher I have seen this a few times with teenage parents or parents who had "issues" in the past (drugs, mental health problems, etc). The grandparents take over because they are worried about the safety of their grandchildren. Of course that also happens with narcissistic grandparents, too ("NO ONE, not even the my grandchild's mother or father could ever care for the child as well as I can care for him").

And, I have seen this thing start a down ward spiral, because Mom and Dad are inexperienced with a new baby Grandma insists that she bathe Baby, she feeds Baby, she selects the clothes for Baby, she comforts Baby etc. So instead of the parents learning these skills naturally they rarely or never get the needed practice. I wonder if that is what is happening to Dad. He is a little hesitant around his child so he calls Mom and Dad to "come to his rescue" and care for his child. And instead of watching and learning he just retreats to his phone or another room because he thinks that he could never do it as well as they are doing. So the next time LO is in his care he is even more worried and more hesitant to be alone with child because his parents do it so skillfully so he backs away from his child even more.

Just another possible reason why the Grandparents insist on being at your house so often.

I know my MIL thinks she knows better than we do. She thinks she knows better than my parents as well. Both my parents were working while she was a stay at home parent. She often tells me my parents donít know how to raise my LO because they didnít raise me. But just because youíre a working parent doesnít mean youíre not raising your child.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:25 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,157 times
Reputation: 155
Quote:
Originally Posted by dazzleman View Post
You're going to have to establish a policy that relatives only come over when invited.

Your problem is one of excess riches, effectively. Some people complain that they can't get their parents or in-laws interested in or involved with their kids, while you have the opposite extreme.

Ye, Iím trying to find that happy medium wher GP feel they get plenty of baby time whil I also feel Iím getting plenty of time as well.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:53 PM
 
Location: West Central Ohio
412 posts, read 229,564 times
Reputation: 627
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
“My oldest....”
But he is not your oldest right? He’s your daughter’s. I apologize if I come off as rude or defensive but I really am curious and trying to see things from a grandparents point of view which is why I’m here. Do you view your grandchildren as yours? Do you really think grandparents need to see the kids that often for them to feel loved...? And if grandparents take up so much time, when exactly are the parents suppose to bond with their kids?

In my situation, I have grandparents over 6 out of 7 days for most of the day. And the 7th day is being slowly taken as well. I understand GP loves the babies but is there really a need to be around that often...?
Of course I view him as mine because he is my grandson. He is my blood and why can’t I call him mine. I know that he is my daughters and sil child. Both boys are ultimately their children of course. I respect their wishes (for example) my daughter doesn’t want my oldest on the internet without supervision. So I log YouTube on my roku in the family room with me watching with him. Why on earth these kids like to watch other kids play with toys is a mystery to me. Their parents have to work so why not be in a safe loving memory making environment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I know my MIL thinks she knows better than we do. She thinks she knows better than my parents as well. Both my parents were working while she was a stay at home parent. She often tells me my parents don’t know how to raise my LO because they didn’t raise me. But just because you’re a working parent doesn’t mean you’re not raising your child.
I would never do this. Not unless I felt the child was being neglected or harmed which of course isn't the case with you. You are raising your child. Me as a grandparent I am just helping
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:15 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,157 times
Reputation: 155
Quote:
Originally Posted by anitak1982 View Post
Of course I view him as mine because he is my grandson. He is my blood and why canít I call him mine. I know that he is my daughters and sil child. Both boys are ultimately their children of course. I respect their wishes (for example) my daughter doesnít want my oldest on the internet without supervision. So I log YouTube on my roku in the family room with me watching with him. Why on earth these kids like to watch other kids play with toys is a mystery to me. Their parents have to work so why not be in a safe loving memory making environment.



I would never do this. Not unless I felt the child was being neglected or harmed which of course isn't the case with you. You are raising your child. Me as a grandparent I am just helping
Yes of course he is, Iím sorry. This is a bit of a sore subject for me because I feel like Iím in competition to be mom. I think the constant unasked for advice is getting to me. Being told what to do, what not to do, what to ask the doctor, what type of pants to put him in, etc makes me feel like Iím sharing parental duties with the grandparents and like they view him as a son rather than grandson. It just gets overwhelming and annoying when I have to hear it so often. It just touched a nerve for me.
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:18 PM
 
62 posts, read 46,157 times
Reputation: 155
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do need to learn to be firm and keep at least one day a week for us to spend as a nuclear family. I’m sure there will be a lot of unhappiness over this but hopefully everyone understands and will accept it without too much of a fuss.
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:20 PM
 
Location: West Central Ohio
412 posts, read 229,564 times
Reputation: 627
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Yes of course he is, Iím sorry. This is a bit of a sore subject for me because I feel like Iím in competition to be mom. I think the constant unasked for advice is getting to me. Being told what to do, what not to do, what to ask the doctor, what type of pants to put him in, etc makes me feel like Iím sharing parental duties with the grandparents and like they view him as a son rather than grandson. It just gets overwhelming and annoying when I have to hear it so often. It just touched a nerve for me.
Just remind them you are the parent. Take unsolicited advice with a grain of salt and let it go in one ear and out the other if you donít agree.
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:48 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,403 posts, read 41,147,999 times
Reputation: 81384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do need to learn to be firm and keep at least one day a week for us to spend as a nuclear family. I’m sure there will be a lot of unhappiness over this but hopefully everyone understands and will accept it without too much of a fuss.
If there is unhappiness, it will be from adults who are not behaving as such.

A reasonable human who has been there before would recognize that this setup is causing problems. There are multiple layers of problems here, but I agree with those who have said that the first step should be a talk with your husband to get on the same page.

You also might reexamine the idea of day care or an accredited preschool a couple days a week. Then work on establishing boundaries with the grandparents.
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Old 03-21-2018, 06:50 AM
 
11,984 posts, read 9,782,261 times
Reputation: 15621
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
ďMy oldest....Ē
But he is not your oldest right? Heís your daughterís. I apologize if I come off as rude or defensive but I really am curious and trying to see things from a grandparents point of view which is why Iím here. Do you view your grandchildren as yours? Do you really think grandparents need to see the kids that often for them to feel loved...? And if grandparents take up so much time, when exactly are the parents suppose to bond with their kids?

In my situation, I have grandparents over 6 out of 7 days for most of the day. And the 7th day is being slowly taken as well. I understand GP loves the babies but is there really a need to be around that often...?
I have a different take on this. Grandparents who demand ownership of their grand kids are being selfish *****. There is no NEED for the to be around that often. You are being taken advantage of by your weenie husband and selfish grandparents. Time to put on the big girl panties and say no.
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