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Old 03-21-2018, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,196,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I know my MIL thinks she knows better than we do. She thinks she knows better than my parents as well. Both my parents were working while she was a stay at home parent. She often tells me my parents donít know how to raise my LO because they didnít raise me. But just because youíre a working parent doesnít mean youíre not raising your child.

I am so sorry that you have a grandparent who believes that she knows what is best for her grandson better than his own parents. And, to top it off she even believes that she better than the other set of grandparents because they were working parents.

Sheesh!
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Old 03-21-2018, 07:27 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,196,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do need to learn to be firm and keep at least one day a week for us to spend as a nuclear family. Iím sure there will be a lot of unhappiness over this but hopefully everyone understands and will accept it without too much of a fuss.
I think that is a great decision. It probably will be very hard in the beginning. In fact, I bet one of the biggest problems may be your husband who may not understand why you don't want his parents around 24/7. Try to help him understand why that is important as a family for the three of you to do things together. I suggest that the first few Sundays you decide to leave the house and the three of you do something fun together, such as visit friends, travel to a nearby city to "see the sights" and have a picnic in the park or eat at a nice restaurant. If you are out of the house, MIL & FIL won't just "drop over" even if you told them "No, Sunday is (immediate) family time". BTW, don't tell MIL & FIL your exact plans or they may show up at your friend's house, or the restaurant, or wherever you plan to spend Sunday.

Good luck.
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Old 03-21-2018, 07:50 AM
 
12,984 posts, read 15,322,633 times
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Can you talk to your father-in-law and see if he can redirect your mother-in-law? It sounds like he understands boundaries.


We have a very similar situation, but I'm one of the grandparents. We and the other grandparents have shared daycare since our granddaughter was born. Her parents have various schedules which sometimes include evenings and weekends. My husband and I still work full time; her other grandparents don't.


My daughter has become frustrated because, like you, she feels like she doesn't get enough time with her daughter. We have days that are "my" days and other days that are her other grandmother's days, even if they aren't working those days. My daughter works and goes to school so she sometimes appreciates having days where she can do homework or get things done when she's not working, but other times it upsets her. I have made it clear to her that ANY time she wants to keep the "baby" (now 3-1/2) home, I am fine with that. It's her child. Like this week she is on spring break and yesterday I told her I will take granddaughter today if she wants me to, but I will not be offended if she wants to keep her home. I don't think it's a good thing for the grandchild to have to be going somewhere all the time, either. Kids need time at home.


We have had conflicts, most notably when we took a family vacation with extended family and granddaughter (then 2 years old) wanted ME over her parents. She wanted ME to hold her. She cried for ME when she was upset. She wanted ME to comfort her. And that upset her parents. At the time, though, I was spending at least 30 hours a week with her and I was like a second mother. She spent time with her other grandparents and her parents, but I was the one she spent the most one-on-one time with. It wasn't my fault; it wasn't granddaughter's fault. But I understand how they felt. So just know that if your parents and in-laws continue to spend so much time with your son, he is going to be very attached to them and possibly prefer them to you when he's a little older. You might want to do what you need to now to make sure he forms a bond with you.


If I were you, I would limit grandparent time to daycare and make sure he spends evenings and weekends with you. Do whatever you have to do to make that happen. If you have to set ground rules and hurt some feelings in the process, do it. I have had my feelings hurt a few times, but I understand she is their child and not mine. She and I still have a very close bond and she asks to come to my house, spend the night, etc., but as I said I make it clear to my daughter that I am fine with having her/not having her at my daughter's discretion. But it takes time to work out those boundaries. You just need to start that now.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Frisco, TX
1,134 posts, read 1,298,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do need to learn to be firm and keep at least one day a week for us to spend as a nuclear family. Iím sure there will be a lot of unhappiness over this but hopefully everyone understands and will accept it without too much of a fuss.
The really sad thing is that you are not being unreasonable at all to want ONE day with your child a week. If your MIL or anyone else throws a fit, they are the ones being unreasonable. I don't reward adults that throw fits by giving them extra (or any) time with my child. She's not 2, she should be able to control her emotions and realize how ridiculous she's being.

I'm worried about how this situation is going to turn out once your son gets a bit older and starts understanding things more. Her relationship with your son might start turning toxic because she will tell him how she loves him soooo much but mean mommy won't let her come over on Sundays to visit. Or, if she hasn't already, she'll start defying your rules while she watches him. I saw you didn't want them as childcare, and I typically tell people that you shouldn't have someone as childcare that you would be scared to fire.

Also, you need to start implementing the 2 yes/1 no rule with your husband. That means that you both have to agree (yes) to something before it's done. So if MIL calls him up and wants to come over, you both need to agree to it. If you say no (which you are absolutely allowed to do), then she doesn't come over.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:30 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,769,309 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
I know my MIL thinks she knows better than we do. She thinks she knows better than my parents as well. Both my parents were working while she was a stay at home parent. She often tells me my parents don’t know how to raise my LO because they didn’t raise me. But just because you’re a working parent doesn’t mean you’re not raising your child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Yes of course he is, I’m sorry. This is a bit of a sore subject for me because I feel like I’m in competition to be mom. I think the constant unasked for advice is getting to me. Being told what to do, what not to do, what to ask the doctor, what type of pants to put him in, etc makes me feel like I’m sharing parental duties with the grandparents and like they view him as a son rather than grandson. It just gets overwhelming and annoying when I have to hear it so often. It just touched a nerve for me.
That type of behavior would make me blow a gasket. You've been much more civil than I would have been under the circumstances and you're going to have to speak up and now stand your ground.

And I understand the suggestions that you, husband, and baby get out of the house on the weekends, but you shouldn't have to do that if you don't want to. It's ridiculous to have to flee your own home to get away from overbearing grandparents.

You're going to have to have a heart-to-heart with your husband followed by a heart-to-heart with the grandparents. It's going to be difficult and uncomfortable, but it's the only way you're going to get some relaxing time with your son. Remember to make "I" statements and not "you" statements, such as "I really want at least two days a week when it's just me, husband and baby," not "you come over too much." And, "I don't like it when you undermine my parenting. I'm new at it, but I love my son as much as you loved your kids and I'm doing a good job so far," not, "you are constantly criticizing me and telling me what to do."

Please let us know what happens.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Brew City
4,120 posts, read 2,443,525 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
ďMy oldest....Ē
But he is not your oldest right? Heís your daughterís. I apologize if I come off as rude or defensive but I really am curious and trying to see things from a grandparents point of view which is why Iím here. Do you view your grandchildren as yours? Do you really think grandparents need to see the kids that often for them to feel loved...? And if grandparents take up so much time, when exactly are the parents suppose to bond with their kids?

In my situation, I have grandparents over 6 out of 7 days for most of the day. And the 7th day is being slowly taken as well. I understand GP loves the babies but is there really a need to be around that often...?
My MIL calls my kids "ours" or "my girls" all the time. It drives me up the wall. No, they are not yours. Stop trying to be so possessive. And there is that added creepiness that if they were "yours" that would mean you slept with your son.


I'm sorry to all the grandparents here but we keep our parents at a distance for our own sanity. I find too much family obligation smothering. Our kids still see their grandparents a few times a year but are able to live their own lives. I've seen members of my husband's family pressured to stay local instead of following their dreams out of state. To me, that "love" is taking the form of a hostage situation. Lucky for me my husband and I are on the same page.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
That type of behavior would make me blow a gasket. You've been much more civil than I would have been under the circumstances and you're going to have to speak up and now stand your ground.

And I understand the suggestions that you, husband, and baby get out of the house on the weekends, but you shouldn't have to do that if you don't want to. It's ridiculous to have to flee your own home to get away from overbearing grandparents.

You're going to have to have a heart-to-heart with your husband followed by a heart-to-heart with the grandparents. It's going to be difficult and uncomfortable, but it's the only way you're going to get some relaxing time with your son. Remember to make "I" statements and not "you" statements, such as "I really want at least two days a week when it's just me, husband and baby," not "you come over too much." And, "I don't like it when you undermine my parenting. I'm new at it, but I love my son as much as you loved your kids and I'm doing a good job so far," not, "you are constantly criticizing me and telling me what to do."

Please let us know what happens.
Good points.

"It's ridiculous to have to flee your own home to get away from overbearing grandparents."
That is a good point but from how the OP describes her in-laws I bet that it will be a real struggle for them to keep those boundaries, after all they have been doing this (I believe) for the entire life of the child. Aren't these the grandparents who refused to leave the hospital and let the parents bond with their newborn baby and over-stayed their welcome again and again during the OP's maternity leave?

I suspect that these grandparents would always have an "excuse" to drop over on Sunday and then refuse to leave. But, if the OPs family is out of the house, at least they will have a few hours of quality time by themselves.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Brew City
4,120 posts, read 2,443,525 times
Reputation: 5475
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Good points.

"It's ridiculous to have to flee your own home to get away from overbearing grandparents."
That is a good point but from how the OP describes her in-laws I bet that it will be a real struggle for them to keep those boundaries, after all they have been doing this (I believe) for the entire life of the child. Aren't these the grandparents who refused to leave the hospital and let the parents bond with their newborn baby and over-stayed their welcome again and again during the OP's maternity leave?

I suspect that these grandparents would always have an "excuse" to drop over on Sunday and then refuse to leave. But, if the OPs family is out of the house, at least they will have a few hours of quality time by themselves.
Just because someone knocks on the door doesn't mean you're obligated to open it.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:49 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,769,309 times
Reputation: 25416
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Good points.

"It's ridiculous to have to flee your own home to get away from overbearing grandparents."
That is a good point but from how the OP describes her in-laws I bet that it will be a real struggle for them to keep those boundaries, after all they have been doing this (I believe) for the entire life of the child. Aren't these the grandparents who refused to leave the hospital and let the parents bond with their newborn baby and over-stayed their welcome again and again during the OP's maternity leave?

I suspect that these grandparents would always have an "excuse" to drop over on Sunday and then refuse to leave. But, if the OPs family is out of the house, at least they will have a few hours of quality time by themselves.
I completely understand the suggestion and it may be the only way the OP can get some private family time. But it would really make me angry if all I wanted to do was get up on a Saturday or Sunday, fix some pancakes and play with my baby but felt compelled to pack a diaper bag and get out of the house. The OP and her husband are going to have to lay it on the line with the grandparents at some point.
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Old 03-21-2018, 08:58 AM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,616,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I completely understand the suggestion and it may be the only way the OP can get some private family time. But it would really make me angry if all I wanted to do was get up on a Saturday or Sunday, fix some pancakes and play with my baby but felt compelled to pack a diaper bag and get out of the house. The OP and her husband are going to have to lay it on the line with the grandparents at some point.
I think itís a message for at least for a few sundays that the mother,father and baby are NOT available. They donít need to announce it or let the grandparents know their plans. The Sunday they do stay home and the grandparents want to come over the parents can simply state they have plans. Of course if the parents have the guts to say from the get go that Sundays are no visitor day they wouldnít have to go through such a palaver.
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