Grandparents, why do you always have to be around? (kids, old, babysitting)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Loyolane

I honestly dont think he views LO as my child. I think he views it as ghe family's child and everyone gets equal time with him. At least that is what his actions are saying.

I keep thinking about this post. I can not even imagine a father viewing his new baby as belonging to the entire family. It is almost like his wife was a surrogate mother and her duties, and rights, ended as soon as she produced a baby for his parents and the other relatives.

[emm74]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

I keep thinking about this post. I can not even imagine a father viewing his new baby as belonging to the entire family. It is almost like his wife was a surrogate mother and her responsibility, and rights, ended as soon as she produced a baby for his parents and the other relatives.

Agreed. Especially after OP said this

Originally Posted by Loyolane

I wish it was an easy as this. I feel like it js an uphill battle. It is almost like i am the one who has to get permissjon from others to spend alone time with my child. My H told me he was surprised i turned out to be so possesive and that it must be the only child in me. I never learned to share

I can't believe that anyone thinks that OP is overly possessive and never learned to share because she wants to have time alone with her own child!!

[Ms. Tarabotti]

I'll be back later but I am wondering why his parents need to be over at their son's house so much.

The son just got married- doesn't he need time to bond with his wife- to create those special memories, or just to be with his wife alone?

They just had a child- don't they deserve time to bond with their baby alone- to get to know the child's personality, to set up schedules and just to marvel at the little miracle they produced?

I can't imagine why his parents feel the need to be over at their sons home 7 days a week and stay for hours at a time. Sometimes this happens in different cultures but the OP didn't mention anything like that. Don't they have other things to do- other interests or hobbies? Why does the OP need to 'on' all the time entertaining these folks at the expense of bonding with her child? Why can't the husband tell his parents to back off for a bit?

[Katarina Witt]

^^You're right, I don't think anyone that has posted on this thread thinks that. I think we've covered these issues. I think the OP has to make time to talk with her pastor about this issue. Maybe GM could babysit while she does this? (J/K) Actually, most pastors that I know wouldn't mind one bringing the baby along.

[emm74]

Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti

I'll be back later but I am wondering why his parents need to be over at their son's house so much.

The son just got married- doesn't he need time to bond with his wife- to create those special memories, or just to be with his wife alone?

They just had a child- don't they deserve time to bond with their baby alone- to get to know the child's personality, to set up schedules and just to marvel at the little miracle they produced?

I can't imagine why his parents feel the need to be over at their sons home 7 days a week and stay for hours at a time. Sometimes this happens in different cultures but the OP didn't mention anything like that. Don't they have other things to do- other interests or hobbies? Why does the OP need to 'on' all the time entertaining these folks at the expense of bonding with her child? Why can't the husband tell his parents to back off for a bit?

Without reading back, I don't think the in laws are there 7 days a week. OP works full time and MIL provides 3 days per week of childcare, OP's mother provides the other 2. OP isn't thrilled with that, would be fine using paid childcare but her husband pushed for this so she's living with it.

The issue that is in addition to that weekday time, the grandparents on both sides now also want some weekend time with the baby. Was confined to Saturdays but now has started to expand to Sundays too meaning that OP doesn't even get a full day per week where one or another grandparent isn't there. And OP's husband is calling her selfish and saying she never learned to share because she objects to that.

The "why" is kind of irrelevant, since this is the reality that is happening, and I don't see the grandparents on either side suddenly coming to a realization on their own that they are infringing too much into the lives of the OP and her husband.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by Loyolane

Well for one thing, they aren’t asking me. They’re asking my husband. It’s one thing if they called me and asked. I would be more comfortable saying now isn’t a good time. But once they’re already over, I don’t have it in me to kick them out.

In situations where my husband asks me if it’s ok, if I say no, there’s a lot of tension and a lot of guilt tripping me. And I get worn down and give in. I don’t want to address in my in laws directly because I want to have a good relationship with them. I think they would take it better if my H told them “we would like Sunday’s to be a family” vs if I said “sorry we don’t want you over, we want family time”.

And I really thought my husband and I were on the same page after our talk but apparently not. He told me today that when he said he understood, he meant he understood I’m frustrated. But he never said he agreed or that Sunday’s were off limits. And that’s true, he never said the words “ok, Sunday’s are family time”. My mistake in assuming him understanding meant him agreeing ugh. As of now we are still in a conflict over Sunday’s. I don’t understand why he’s putting up such a fight about this. I think it should be very clear why I need alone time.

Before we were married, there were no indications he would need his parents over so much. Honestly he didn’t seem that close to them.

OP, it appears that your husband isn't taking you seriously and it's time for another calm discussion with him. You need to lay it on the line and if he blows you off or minimizes your feelings, tell him the truth--that you've even thought about divorce because your so desperate to have time away from your in-laws. I'm not saying to threaten divorce, but he does not seem to understand how unhappy you are. Ask him outright to support you and back you up with the grandparents.

Then tell him that with or without him, you're inviting the grandparents over for a family meeting and do it. Include your parents so that everyone is on the same page. Be clear that you're grateful to them for the help they're getting you, but that you no longer want them dropping in on the weekends. The grandfathers can visit when their wives are babysitting, but from now on, weekends are for you, H, and baby. You may occasionally call and suggest a get-together, or they can invite you for a get-together, but they are no longer to assume that they can drop by anytime on the weekend.

You're going to have to be firm but friendly and don't ask them, but tell them. You've indicated in other posts that you go to great lengths to avoid conflict, so it's possible that your in-laws don't know how unhappy you are because you haven't made it clear. Give them the benefit of the doubt and be very clear with them. If they don't abide by your wishes, you may have to take more drastic measure. But for now, tell them clearly and see what happens.

[Schmooky]

Originally Posted by Vegabern

Stop dropping hints. Speak up for yourself in clear terms. What you're asking for is more than reasonable. You're bending over backward for these people.

Exactly. Don’t drop hints. I’d say Sunday, and even Saturday, are no visitor days. The grandpas can come over Friday night, but you need the weekend to yourselves and need to say so outright. If they throw a fit, that’s their issue, but it’s very reasonable as far as boundaries go. You need to set them for yourself, they’re not punishment for your in laws but rather the parameters in which you are comfortable functioning. It’s okay to guard your time and becomes more necessary the older your children get, honestly.

[Gil3]

Originally Posted by Loyolane

I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.

Ever since I had DS last November, it’s been a constant stream of grandparents and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.

Now that I’m back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I don’t see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, it’s the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. They’re not deprived of grandkid time.

That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like I’m co parenting. She parents my child.

DH is useless and doesn’t see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. I’m fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I don’t see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? He’s my son and I have to share him with everyone.

So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why can’t they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because I’m beyond frustrated.

There is a good old saying on Etiquette Hell: "I'm afraid that won't be possible". Not harsh, but direct and straight to the point. Works every time.

[stephwin]

OP, if I were you I'd draft a very simple, to the point text stating that Sundays are no longer visiting days. Don't give a reason why or try to justify it (you don't need to justify spending time with your kid). Don't call them on the phone because that just gives them the opportunity to argue and cry (you know your MIL will). Just send the text and be done with it.

Now comes hard the part. I'm willing to bet a very large sum of money that your MIL is going to flip out. She will call your husband and tattle on you. Your husband will probably get upset with you. And you know what, when he does, tell him that you have asked him to handle it and because he chose not to handle it, you are now. Oh, he doesn't like the way you handled it? Hmm, perhaps he should've done it himself then.

You need to be prepared that he will tell them to come anyway (he's already doing that now) and you need to be prepared to not be there when they show up. Pack up some wipes and diapers and go have fun with your kid. Go spend some time with him that you've so desperately wanted.

I think you really need to sit down and come to terms with a few things. Your husband is willing to hand your child over to his parents because it's the easier option for him. He's willing to let you be uncomfortable so that his parents (really his mom) can spend her every waking moment with a child that isn't hers. He's not advocating for you. He's advocating for his parents. He's putting them first over you (and your marriage).

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Gil3

There is a good old saying on Etiquette Hell: "I'm afraid that won't be possible". Not harsh, but direct and straight to the point. Works every time.

Except when they unlock your front door and let themselves inside and stay for five or six hours.