Grandparents, why do you always have to be around? (kids, old, grandkids)
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Im getting increasingly frustrated with my husband. To the point where i dont think therapy or talking to the grands would make any difference.
I was cooing to the baby "im mama" earlier tonight and my H got so annoyed. He told me to stop treating the baby as an object and stop trying to keep him to myself. I guess he thought i was trying to claim my son by telling him im his mom...? I honestly dont know. I just stared at him silently for a full minute because i was at a loss for words. I cant say "im mama" to my son? But that is a fact. I am.
Im sure you guys are sick of reading about my complaints as much as im sick of living it. Im sick of being accused of trying to keep baby away from others when the grands probably see him more than i do.
I mean is there any point in even talking to thr grandparents when my husband behaves like this? When we found out i was pregnant, my H was so excited and happy to be parents. More than i was. And now he treats our son as a pet almost. He plays with him for a little bit and hands him off. And hes getting upset with me for wanting and acting like a mom. I dont get him.
He was upset because you were talking with your baby and cooing that your were his mama? ! ? ! What? That is really odd.
Maybe your husband truly thinks that the baby belongs to his parents, and all of the relatives, and not to the two of you.
Frankly, I'm sort of worried that his parents may try to do something really crazy like take you to court and try to sue for full custody of the baby. I hope not, but I have never heard of a situation like your situation.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-26-2018 at 10:25 PM..
I would be less worried about the in-laws than the husband. This issue will not go away, only morph into other areas of unpleasantness he does not want to deal with. I would push the issue with him to include counseling with or without him. I would make it marriage counseling. It is interesting how many people will go when they worry about what is being said about them.
Your last update..wow. Sooooo I think you should go ahead and send the group text before this weekend so at least maybe you can have a nice day with baby on Sunday. Your husband cares more about pleasing his parents than his wife, it seems, (BTDT ) and isn't going to help you with this himself.
He was upset because you were talking with your baby and cooing that your were his mama? ! ? ! What? That is really odd.
Maybe your husband truly thinks that the baby belongs to his parents, and all of the relatives, and not to the two of you.
Frankly, I'm sort of worried that his parents may try to do something really crazy like take you to court and try to sue for full custody of the baby. I hope not, but I have never heard of a situation like your situation.
OP, please look up grandparent's rights in your state. It probably won't be an issue if you remain married, but it could come into play if you divorce.
Also, another posted mentioned something about you telling the in-laws that you were going to get PPD if you didn't spend more time with your son...please do not do that. Do not give them any indication that you are even remotely mentally unwell. Your husband seems unwilling to care for his own child and your MIL could start to pressure him to give the baby to her if you're not doing well mentally.
Also, if you do get stuck at home when they are over, I wouldn't leave them with your son. Even if your MIL pushes you to go take a nap or run errands, do not leave the room. She wants to spend time with your child without you there. That's not appropriate for a child that young. If she wants a relationship with your child, she needs to have a relationship with you as well.
Have you started a paper trail at all? I would write down every time they come over even after you've asked that they not, every time that your husband has invited them over only to pass the baby off, etc. Document, document, document. Do you have these conversations in person or via text? I really hate to say this (though I think you are already considering it) but I do not know if your marriage can survive this unless your husband is willing to change. It's not fair for you to be upset all the time so that he can please his mother.
OP, please look up grandparent's rights in your state. It probably won't be an issue if you remain married, but it could come into play if you divorce.
Also, another posted mentioned something about you telling the in-laws that you were going to get PPD if you didn't spend more time with your son...please do not do that. Do not give them any indication that you are even remotely mentally unwell. Your husband seems unwilling to care for his own child and your MIL could start to pressure him to give the baby to her if you're not doing well mentally.
Also, if you do get stuck at home when they are over, I wouldn't leave them with your son. Even if your MIL pushes you to go take a nap or run errands, do not leave the room. She wants to spend time with your child without you there. That's not appropriate for a child that young. If she wants a relationship with your child, she needs to have a relationship with you as well.
Have you started a paper trail at all? I would write down every time they come over even after you've asked that they not, every time that your husband has invited them over only to pass the baby off, etc. Document, document, document. Do you have these conversations in person or via text? I really hate to say this (though I think you are already considering it) but I do not know if your marriage can survive this unless your husband is willing to change. It's not fair for you to be upset all the time so that he can please his mother.
Good points. I really meant in my post that in case of divorce Hubby's parents would strongly push for their son to have sole custody and then they would take over and have the baby 100% of the time.
Just in case, I would make sure that others know what is happening. Not just friends that you are venting to but be clear and honest to the pediatrician and your primary care physician about these issue. In the worst case scenario, of a divorce or separation and Hubby tries to get full custody, your doctors will have on record that you stated your concerns at the time that he was uninterested in the child, called his parents to care for the child when he said that he was going to do it, took his parents side over your side in many child related issues (or just refused to discuss the issues with you and automatically took his parents side).
Also, I would encourage marriage counseling. If he won't go then you go. Frankly, that in itself can be rather telling when one spouse refuses to go to for marriage counseling and the other one attends the sessions by themselves.
I find honesty always works best...even if it means hurting one's feelings. I would just tell them no, Sunday is our time with our daughter.
I sorta know how you feel...during the week I get home at 4, and my 5 month old goes to bed around 6, so I really only get a couple of hours with her a day. Luckily I get a ton of time with her on the weekends though.
It sounds like you and your husband are defining "family time" differently - for him, it is his parents and the baby and maybe you - and for you, it is just you, your baby, and your husband - that's the number one problem.
Number two problem: It sounds like your husband needs to be with his parents for some bizarre reason - since that appears to be the case (arrested development, some kind of attachment problem, whatever) - tell him he is free to go visit them at their house on Sundays, but that you want him to stay home with you and the baby and if he refuses to honor your request, he can go visit them to get his "fix" (without taking the baby). He must still fulfill his parental and family duties, so he can go for lunch or whatever for an hour or two - If he chooses this, I would have no respect for him - you two should see a counselor over this. He is being very immature, in my estimation.
May it be known that the first months of being a NEW parent is a great stressor to a marriage that may have had cracks in it prior. Its just magnified.
As someone who didn't see the writing on the wall, it did take a third party to intercede for my Hubby and I to understand how this NEW responsibility was affecting us. I wasn't understanding in the least how he felt lost in the transition from "US" being first to the "child" being the focus of our days. He had a hard time taking a back seat to our son. Then a light bulb moment came where we realized, we needed "us" time again. We needed to be that "Team" that discussed and aided. I put more effort into being His Wife, and he put more effort into being a Great Dad! Our parents (the grands) eventually saw that we needed that "time" to acclimate and get better acquainted for the Long haul of parenting. Just don't allow what online posters are saying, be too much of an influence ...use your best judgment. We don't know the entire circumstance of all sides. So to toss out your marriage, from a bunch of folks that have at best, a snippet of what your emotional view point is...probably isn't wise.
I wonder if your Husband just isn't good at expressing his needs when it comes to this adjustment. He is being pushed to secondary. whilst its natural for a Mom to focus solely on the new one...its also natural for the father to feel displaced. Involve him when you are cooing with the baby, or listen to his day. Keep the "we" spirit going. We do better when we find our strength and blend it into the day. Maybe he is better at getting the things (running errands) , then sitting around coddling....Maybe ( and more likely then not) when they are able to talk and walk, he will be far more involved. Some men just find the "baby" stage awkward.
And I really thought my husband and I were on the same page after our talk but apparently not. He told me today that when he said he understood, he meant he understood I’m frustrated. But he never said he agreed or that Sunday’s were off limits. And that’s true, he never said the words “ok, Sunday’s are family time”. My mistake in assuming him understanding meant him agreeing ugh. As of now we are still in a conflict over Sunday’s. I don’t understand why he’s putting up such a fight about this. I think it should be very clear why I need alone time.
I think at some point you'd be justified in just taking the baby and going somewhere quiet and pleasant on your own with your son on Sunday - just not being there when they arrive. If he wants his parents over, he can entertain them. I bet you and your baby would have a lovely time perusing an art museum, going to the library, taking a walk in a park, etc. Most babies are pretty quiet and portable at this stage, content to snuggle up with you in a sling or whatever.
I mean, is this the most marriage-friendly choice, no. But you need some "you" time to recharge your batteries and if they're not going to allow that, you'll have to carve it out for yourself, somehow.
I'm not a bigtime introvert and even so I'd be going nuts if I had visitors EVERY DAY, even besides the baby-hogging issue.
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) and isn't going to help you with this himself.
