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Old 03-20-2018, 08:19 AM
 
57 posts, read 33,112 times
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Iím seeking some advice from grandparents because I donít know what to think.

Ever since I had DS last November, itís been a constant stream of grandparents and Iím at the point where I canít take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.

Now that Iím back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I donít see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, itís the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. Theyíre not deprived of grandkid time.

That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And Iím sick of it. Iím sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like Iím co parenting. She parents my child.

DH is useless and doesnít see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. Iím fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I donít see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? Heís my son and I have to share him with everyone.

So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why canít they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because Iím beyond frustrated.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:29 AM
 
68 posts, read 34,503 times
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Them: "we are coming by to see the baby!"
You: "sorry, we have plans. Another time!"

or you could simply tell them the truth. You are overwhelmed with visitors and although you appreciate the attention and love they are lavishing on their new grandchild, you and your child need more bonding time together. Reassure them that there will plenty of visits soon but for now this is how it needs to be and you appreciate their understanding and patience with you at this time. They were new parents too, once. They should understand.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:34 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you feel this way. I do think that it's a good idea for you to tell your husband, in a calm and measured way, at a time that you two are not stressed out, that you want carved out uninterrupted time with just him and the baby.

Why not plan that Saturday night is date night for you and your husband? You can take the grandchild over to the parents' house around 6 PM, and leave him there overnight. Alternate grandparent houses. If the grands want, they can invite the other ones over for dinner Sat nights and all enjoy him together. And you guys get an evening out, and a night home together without the baby. Then pick him up Sunday AM.

This way, you have Friday night through Sat afternoon alone, and Sunday alone with him. And make that written in stone, that they leave you guys alone during that time, unless invited over.

Please do realize that you are INCREDIBLY lucky to have grandparent daycare! Aside from the money saved, your child would be constantly sick were he in daycare, and you would be up all night with a sick baby, and not be able to work while at home, because when the baby is sick (which is all the time, for the first two winters in daycare), you won't be able to send him to daycare, so you won't be able to work. Plus, the baby suffers. So try to re-frame your attitude.

Oh, and plan a vacation or two together, without the baby or the grands, because they won't be around forever to provide free childcare!
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:38 AM
 
4,377 posts, read 1,487,020 times
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Babies are awesome. Us grandmas...we love us some babies. LOL


How old is your son? Is he mobile yet? I would not be surprised if, once he gets mobile, the constant visiting won't slow down some. Mobile babies are some work! LOL


I think though, that you need to gently set some boundaries. Maybe you can drop some hints, like "Man, I'm so glad tomorrow is Sunday! I miss my little guy so much during the week! I'm looking forward to having him all to myself that day!


And say it happy, not like in a pointed way to cause hurt feelings, but in a way so that grandparents will hopefully realize (and let them think they realized all on their own) you need time with your baby boy.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Brew City
3,134 posts, read 1,955,353 times
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Yikes! There is no way I would let it get this far. It's time to put your foot down. First with your husband and then with the grandparents. If it were me, I would maybe agree to one Saturday OR Sunday A MONTH. Certainly not every weekend. Especially because grandmas are already acting as daycare.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:51 AM
 
2,442 posts, read 1,048,636 times
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You need to learn to set boundaries and tell you husband that you need quiet family time with him and baby and that grandparents have all week to see baby. No pleading or justifying or excuses . If he doesn’t listen then just take you and baby out for the day ( husband invited of course) . Fair or not you will have to assert this, and if it takes a month of Sunday’s to establish that Sunday is your REST day so be it but appealing to your husband and grandparents isn’t going to make it happen. Sorry I don’t think hints are going to work either, you are being consistently overrun and your needs ignored.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:53 AM
 
57 posts, read 33,112 times
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Don’t get me wrong, I realize how lucky we are and how lucky LO is to have some much love. But sometimes that love feels like a burden. I feel like it’s too much at times when all I want is uninterrupted family time. I just get really frustrated when I feel lm already sharing LO so much and it’s not enough. They want to take even more time away from me. I have spoken with my H countless times about this. He think it’s great that he can hand LO over to someone els and not worry. But I’m not lik that. I need lots of time with my son. As much as thas grandparents want to be around LO, I want it just as much. And I feel like no one understands or cares about what I need as a new mom. I’ve dropped a ton of hints when they’re around and I know my MIL knows how frustrated I am but it doesn’t stop her from imposing herself. At least with my FIL, he doesn’t push himself on us. He’s happy to visit whbe asked and go home when it’s time. MIL is a different story.

LO is 4.5 months old and I’m afraid I’m already missing out on so much. He’s doing someone new everyday and often I’m th last to find out about it. I don’t know.
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Old 03-20-2018, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Brew City
3,134 posts, read 1,955,353 times
Reputation: 4168
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post
Donít get me wrong, I realize how lucky we are and how lucky LO is to have some much love. But sometimes that love feels like a burden. I feel like itís too much at times when all I want is uninterrupted family time. I just get really frustrated when I feel lm already sharing LO so much and itís not enough. They want to take even more time away from me. I have spoken with my H countless times about this. He think itís great that he can hand LO over to someone els and not worry. But Iím not lik that. I need lots of time with my son. As much as thas grandparents want to be around LO, I want it just as much. And I feel like no one understands or cares about what I need as a new mom. Iíve dropped a ton of hints when theyíre around and I know my MIL knows how frustrated I am but it doesnít stop her from imposing herself. At least with my FIL, he doesnít push himself on us. Heís happy to visit whbe asked and go home when itís time. MIL is a different story.

LO is 4.5 months old and Iím afraid Iím already missing out on so much. Heís doing someone new everyday and often Iím th last to find out about it. I donít know.
Stop dropping hints. Speak up for yourself in clear terms. What you're asking for is more than reasonable. You're bending over backward for these people.
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:08 AM
 
57 posts, read 33,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegabern View Post
Stop dropping hints. Speak up for yourself in clear terms. What you're asking for is more than reasonable. You're bending over backward for these people.
Thank you, I needed That reassurance. I always feel like I have to give more and more and what I want/need gets lost. Iím made to feel like i have to allow grandparents however much time they want at my expense.
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Old 03-20-2018, 09:09 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,883,731 times
Reputation: 25110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane View Post

LO is 4.5 months old and Iím afraid Iím already missing out on so much. Heís doing someone new everyday and often Iím th last to find out about it. I donít know.
You would feel exactly like that if he was in daycare, except that it would be random caregivers witnessing all of his firsts, instead of family members who love him like you do.

This is a case of you not being able to have it all. You can work full time and accept that your baby will be spending more time with others than with you, or you can reduce your work hours and spend more time with the baby.

I do think you should put your foot down about the weekends, except that it's probably nice to be able to run errands and grocery shop without bringing the little one along.
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