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Old 05-01-2018, 11:47 AM
 
7 posts, read 6,246 times
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Am I insane or are they being ridiculous? When I visit my only son and DIL and 3yo GD (I live 7 hours away if traffic is good. If not, it could be 10+ hours - CT to VA), if I do not arrive in their specified timeframe I must go to a nearby parking lot and wait until I am summoned after GD's nap or when they're ready). Went down last Thurs to visit, was informed if I didn't get there by 7:30 pm (bedtime for her), I would need to go to the parking lot until after 9:00 so she gets a good sleep "She has a Bd party in 2 days and she needs to be well rested" from my son. I have back issues (which my son knows) so the car trip is ugly as it is without the additional 2-hour wait. Son: "If you're that hurt, go to a hospital". I'm only invited down 2x/year for BD and Xmas (I've been told they "like their privacy" and I was told by my son that his wife and child are his family now. I've also been told to stay in a hotel (they have a 4+ bedroom home) like her father who also cowtows to their unreasonable demands just to be able to visit at all - "he has no problem with it" (yeah right). In my day (age showing here LOL), sending family to a hotel while visiting was unheard of and beyond rude. Anyway, things went from bad to worse because I was quite debilitated by the time I got there and made the fatal mistake of mentioning that the additional parking lot wait sucked (it did). My son proceeded to yell at me the various ways I suck and always ruin everything (2x/year?), and mocked my career of 45+ years to my face. I was so tired and hurt and sick of the disrespect that I left. I know my son and, egged on by his wife, we will never ever speak again. I am heartbroken. Any other grands out there get treated so shabbily? He used to be a polite and kind individual and I had thought we got along well, yet since the wife not at all. If she is in the car or the room, my son will not have a conversation with me (only yes/no answers, clearly uncomfortable). DIL is very passive/aggressive. However, the few times he manages to call me without her around, we have good conversations with nary a problem. So very very sad. Honestly, I have taken a good look at myself and asked everyone I know and no one finds me a problem but them (her). Yes, I should not have left. But he refused to even talk with me over the ensuing days and I ended up driving back home heartbroken. Just needed to vent. Never in a million years did I ever imagine things could get so bad that I've lost my son and GD forever.
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Old 05-01-2018, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,020 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73612
Quote:
Originally Posted by whlady View Post
Am I insane or are they being ridiculous? When I visit my only son and DIL and 3yo GD (I live 7 hours away if traffic is good. If not, it could be 10+ hours - CT to VA), if I do not arrive in their specified timeframe I must go to a nearby parking lot and wait until I am summoned after GD's nap or when they're ready). Went down last Thurs to visit, was informed if I didn't get there by 7:30 pm (bedtime for her), I would need to go to the parking lot until after 9:00 so she gets a good sleep "She has a Bd party in 2 days and she needs to be well rested" from my son. I have back issues (which my son knows) so the car trip is ugly as it is without the additional 2-hour wait. Son: "If you're that hurt, go to a hospital". I'm only invited down 2x/year for BD and Xmas (I've been told they "like their privacy" and I was told by my son that his wife and child are his family now. I've also been told to stay in a hotel (they have a 4+ bedroom home) like her father who also cowtows to their unreasonable demands just to be able to visit at all - "he has no problem with it" (yeah right). In my day (age showing here LOL), sending family to a hotel while visiting was unheard of and beyond rude. Anyway, things went from bad to worse because I was quite debilitated by the time I got there and made the fatal mistake of mentioning that the additional parking lot wait sucked (it did). My son proceeded to yell at me the various ways I suck and always ruin everything (2x/year?), and mocked my career of 45+ years to my face. I was so tired and hurt and sick of the disrespect that I left. I know my son and, egged on by his wife, we will never ever speak again. I am heartbroken. Any other grands out there get treated so shabbily? He used to be a polite and kind individual and I had thought we got along well, yet since the wife not at all. If she is in the car or the room, my son will not have a conversation with me (only yes/no answers, clearly uncomfortable). DIL is very passive/aggressive. However, the few times he manages to call me without her around, we have good conversations with nary a problem. So very very sad. Honestly, I have taken a good look at myself and asked everyone I know and no one finds me a problem but them (her). Yes, I should not have left. But he refused to even talk with me over the ensuing days and I ended up driving back home heartbroken. Just needed to vent. Never in a million years did I ever imagine things could get so bad that I've lost my son and GD forever.
I remember you from last summer, and my advice is the same (back then my username was Wmsn4Life):

Sad Nani in the Twilight Zone

It's unfortunate, and the parking lot thing is unreasonable (unless you insist on barging in loudly and picking the toddler up out of her bed) but for some reason this is your reality now.

What career did you have for 45 years?
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Old 05-01-2018, 12:41 PM
 
7 posts, read 6,246 times
Reputation: 33
I am a medical transcriptionist - quite the lucrative career, allowing me to stay at home and raise my son while working more than full time. Sadly, it's yet another career ruined by 'technology' (speech recognition in this case). And no, I've never barged in loudly and picked her up out of bed. I generally do not even go upstairs to the bedrooms after being told on one visit that "we heard you flush the toilet mom" during the night. I sleep downstairs on a couch in the dogs' room and tiptoe around. It's just so very sad. I'll miss my son and granddaughters forever but there's nothing i can do about it now I guess.
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Old 05-01-2018, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
18,842 posts, read 12,465,112 times
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Here is what I suggest: find a family counselor and do some sessions to see if you can gain insight into this. It sounds as if son and dil don’t like you very much. Sons who love their parents do not treat them the way you are being treated. I think you need to do the personal work to see if you can find out why you are semi estranged. There has to be a reason why he punishes you.

I do not think you are going to get any sort of answer without talking to a family counselor.
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Old 05-01-2018, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,905,878 times
Reputation: 38735
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Here is what I suggest: find a family counselor and do some sessions to see if you can gain insight into this. It sounds as if son and dil donít like you very much. Sons who love their parents do not treat them the way you are being treated. I think you need to do the personal work to see if you can find out why you are semi estranged. There has to be a reason why he punishes you.

I do not think you are going to get any sort of answer without talking to a family counselor.
Those are good points.

OP. I am so sorry.
Complaining because you flushed the toilet "too loud"???
Making you sleep on the couch in the dog's room, when they have a four bedroom house???
Insisting that you arrive at a certain time, and then making you wait in a parking lot if you miss the cutoff???

I can not imagine that a loving child, of any age, would treat their mother/parents like that that. Now, I have read on CD, and other places, about couples who treat one set of parents/in-laws much better than the other set.

Good luck.
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:24 PM
 
12,914 posts, read 19,782,209 times
Reputation: 33910
It's amazing, and horrifying, how much a controlling DIL can change the family dynamics. I've been there OP. My suggestion, born from experience, is to let them go. Leave the opportunity to contact you open, but do not reach out and do not plan visits. It has taken 2.5 years since our last uncomfortable trip to see our gs, for communication to start again, and I did not initiate it, which made it all that much sweeter.

I don't understand my DIL. I don't dislike her, but she is very insecure, and that translates into lashing out at me and my husband. I will not play. It seems my son has finally understood that we have never stopped loving him, and wanting the best for him, which includes a wife who loves him.

I know it's harder when you only have one child to share life with, but let him go anyway. I hope he'll return.
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:25 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,723,874 times
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I remember your other post, too. I'm sorry they treat you this way. It sounds like they are terrible hosts. Asking you to wait in a parking lot is beyond ridiculous.

If you son does invite you for the next occasion, I'd decline. I'd decline and tell him that you don't feel welcome in their home, that you can't comply with all their requirements. I might tell him that if he wants to see you or wants his child to know her grandmother that he can bring her to visit you.
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:30 PM
 
7 posts, read 6,246 times
Reputation: 33
I would certainly be amenable to counseling - especially family mediation as it is not just me (their rules are beyond extreme and there are 2 sides to every story). As far as my son goes, we had a great relationship until the wife's arrival (I thought). It was he and I - we were a team as his father turned into a crack-addicted scumbag at son's age of 12 at which point we were in survival mode and worked together to survive until he left for the Army. Even then I visited and he visited and we kept in touch with no issues between us. His wife is 8 years younger than he (in her mid 20s) and, quite frankly, is a spoiled brat who has never supported herself, paid bills, and has been given everything her whole life. Family has $. I do not. Although her mother is allowed to 'help', I find the way she treats her own mother appalling as well - disrespectful, belittles her, but when DIL says jump, her mom says how high. (and why do they need 'help' anyway - only 1 child and she doesn't even work.?? Her dad has reduced his visits as his daughter will not 'allow' his significant other of 8+ years in 'her' home either (nor could she come to the wedding, her dad was there alone). She insists her own dad stay at a motel and dictates what few hours he alone can visit and when he must leave. As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life, so ..... out with me. It seems young insecure wives feel the need to alienate the mom (as I'm learning from other who have had issues with DILs). I'll never understand why. It's just sad. Too late now. Shoulda kept my mouth shut and said 'how high should I jump' yet again, yet again, yet again.
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Old 05-12-2018, 11:37 AM
 
292 posts, read 207,536 times
Reputation: 800
I'm sorry for your situation. I agree that it's time to just let them go. Whether you like how they live or not, it's their life. Although I do disagree with you on one matter. I think it's rude for parents to assume that they should stay with their adult children when they visit. I think the right way to visit is to stay at a hotel. Gives everyone their space, and takes a lot of these problems out of the picture.
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Old 05-14-2018, 09:12 PM
 
5,808 posts, read 3,295,904 times
Reputation: 13547
Unfortunately your son has married a controlling young woman and he has chosen to go along with it. If I were you, I would write my son a SHORT letter and send it to his workplace. I would simply say:

" I have been unable to find a place in your and your family's lives that is acceptable and brings happiness to everyone. Since I do not want be a source of problems in your life, I will not initiate contact. If you wish to talk, please feel free to call at any time. I love you and respect your right to control your own life. Love, Mom "
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