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Old 08-16-2018, 01:55 PM
 
3,634 posts, read 9,231,775 times
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I am in the camp of "what are you thinking?" when you bring up your mentally ill mother wanting to see the grandchildren. Far more important issues here. Heck, she wants to marry one of her caregivers, wants to go shopping,wont wash her hair, lives in a memory care facility................

I am not sure the grandkids are any more on her mind than you are most of the time. Remember that she is totally inner focused on her needs and wants.

Wondering just what benefit it would be to the great grandkids to be exposed to one more unstable person who is related to them? The other great grandkids with more stable parents will just have to provide what you want.

 
Old 08-17-2018, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,904 posts, read 32,658,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
I am in the camp of "what are you thinking?" when you bring up your mentally ill mother wanting to see the grandchildren. Far more important issues here. Heck, she wants to marry one of her caregivers, wants to go shopping,wont wash her hair, lives in a memory care facility................

I am not sure the grandkids are any more on her mind than you are most of the time. Remember that she is totally inner focused on her needs and wants.

Wondering just what benefit it would be to the great grandkids to be exposed to one more unstable person who is related to them? The other great grandkids with more stable parents will just have to provide what you want.
My mom has vascular dementia. She knows and remembers ALL her kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and she LOVES kids. Loves them. She is not a raving lunatic. She's elderly, she is frail, she is sick, but she's not a child molester or inappropriate to her surroundings (a memory care center).

She loves loves loves kids - especially her great grandkids and grandkids. She won't talk about boyfriends or her hair around them - she adores them, and loves all their school work, musical instruments, music lessons, etc. They would bring her great comfort and also probably learn a few lessons on tolerance, patience, respect for elderly family members, etc.

She asks about them every single time I'm around her - by name. So I think they mean quite a bit to her. She has also teared up when "wondering where they are." It's cruel in my opinion to deny her their company - and to deny them her company. These kids are 8 through 16 with the exception of one "late to the party" granchild who is 3 years old.
 
Old 08-18-2018, 05:44 AM
 
3,634 posts, read 9,231,775 times
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KA, we can only speculate based on what you have extensively written about your mother. It sounds like she is perhaps more multidimensional than your words have expressed.

But regardless of your mother's wishes, needs, or anything else, the mother of the kids cannot relate to you, her mother, and is likely never to have a sudden desire to see or be with her grandmother. I cannot remember whether your daughter even came to the funeral of her grandfather?

My husband said his family was full of estrangements and the reasons were often unknown to anyone else. His father and a brother had some feud and eventually even fought over who could be buried next to their mother. The feud lasted until death.

The whole thing is sad,very sad. Your grandkids are just caught in the middle of the adult crisis. You can only hope that, when they are grown, there is some spark that brings one or more closer to other family members.
 
Old 08-20-2018, 03:52 PM
 
11,623 posts, read 5,457,812 times
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OK, so here is one place the backstory gets confusing:

12-2016

Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I also told my son to leave my house. With his Korean wife (from Guam) who I barely know. That was very difficult to do, but made a bit easier by the obviousness that I was very, very physically sick. Still, I made it clear that the main reason I wanted him gone was because of his behavior.

I told my youngest daughter that I will never put myself in a situation where she can ruin a holiday for me again. She may not realize this yet, but what that means - and it's sad but it's the way it has to be - is that it will be a very long time - maybe NEVER - before I invite her to my home again.
You were pretty firm in this posts and many others that it was you refusing to put up with her.

In another post you said you had tired of her emotional needs, if she couldn't get with the program, she needed to stay away.
 
Old 08-20-2018, 04:02 PM
 
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On the subject of different realities, you explained part of that right here. Not only does your ex tell your kids a different version of things than you, so does your brother:

Quote:
The issue is that when he's on his meds (like now), his innate intelligence kicks in and he can SOUND pretty sane and even reasonable. Now - in person, you can tell something is off pretty quickly, but over the phone, he can sound reasonable for awhile. Throw in his devious nature and his verbal skills and the emotional immaturity of the adult kids involved (young adults with unresolved emotional issues - son with PTSD who drinks like a fish, and daughter who has always been very emotionally volatile and hypersensitive), and throw in their grief over losing their grandfather who was such a father figure to them, and their hunger for love and attention from my brother (yes, even though he's unstable they have always yearned for attention from him) and you have a hot mess.
Seems like they are not ever sure what to believe, and when confronted you said you will not be proving anything to anyone. They can take your word or not.

Anyway, there is a lot more than what is stated in this thread. There is a lot that is on CD, and that is not counting all that isn't.

Quote:
The only thing irreversible to me, and I've only told my closed mouth husband this (and the internet - LOL - just this forum) is that I doubt I will ever rest easy with the kids who did this to me. I will always know that this capacity for cruelty lurks within them. Their father has this cruel streak in him too -which is why I finally divorced him. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

I am so tired of mentally unstable people I could just spit nails.

Last edited by jencam; 08-20-2018 at 04:14 PM..
 
Old 08-21-2018, 02:35 PM
 
994 posts, read 667,283 times
Reputation: 3541
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
Oh, boy. Yeah, you don't get it. I am also a middle aged white lady, I lack bi-racial children, but I get it more than you do, which is insane. I have no one I NEED to 'get it' for!

Blacks (and biracial people) are disproportionately affected by police misconduct/brutality. You seriously do sound like FOX news. 'Just don't break the law!' As if everything would then be fine.



I'd have trouble with you saying this to me as a white person, as your half-black activist daughter I would freak out.

Then you go on to reject her entire identity. But you have no idea your role in this. I just.
You obviously didn't take the time to read her whole posts
 
Old 08-21-2018, 02:38 PM
 
994 posts, read 667,283 times
Reputation: 3541
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
Not directly, but indirectly, yes. The only way to them is through her. That was a package deal you declined. The rest of this post is boiling a huge, complicated problem down to one thing that makes it very neatly all her fault. It doesn't even matter, does it being her fault help you see your grandkids? No, so do you want to see them or not?
Her daughter is the one who is keeping her from her grandchildren.
 
Old 08-21-2018, 02:57 PM
 
11,623 posts, read 5,457,812 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
Her daughter is the one who is keeping her from her grandchildren.
Keep reading.

ETA some are only reading the posts in this thread. There are years of background written on CD about not only this daughter, but all the family dynamics. Please do not assume I am reading into things that are not there. All my remarks are based on having read this background before.

Last edited by jencam; 08-21-2018 at 03:43 PM..
 
Old 08-21-2018, 03:31 PM
 
4,377 posts, read 1,490,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
It can also mean "generally difficult" too. Or this:


https://urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Get%20Crunk

And for the record, she never lived in the inner city, and I never abused or neglected her. She self identified with a different culture from early on - why, I have no idea.

Well...she IS half black. And to SOME people, being partly black might as well be ALL black.


I have a suggestion. Ask your daughter for suggestions on reading material about institutional racism, or study up on it on your own. Your daughter has probably dealt with racism in the past, that you just can't identify with.
 
Old 08-21-2018, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,904 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57027
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Well...she IS half black. And to SOME people, being partly black might as well be ALL black.


I have a suggestion. Ask your daughter for suggestions on reading material about institutional racism, or study up on it on your own. Your daughter has probably dealt with racism in the past, that you just can't identify with.
I can't ask my daughter. She's cut me completely off.

I am familiar with the concept of institutional racism, and have actually read up on it quite a bit. I'm not saying she's never dealt with racism - what has me torqued is that she's turned it on me. She hasn't gotten racism from me, or from my family! My gosh.

The irony of it.

I've dealt with racism too, directed at either me or my kids or both simultaneously. I've also dealt with sexism, ageism, etc. and all those stereotypes and judgments can be hurtful. People can be cruel. But I do have to say this - regardless of what color her skin is, my daughter is beautiful. Much more so than the "average person." She's strikingly beautiful and people generally respond very positively to her. She's also smart, well spoken, artistic, articulate, etc. She's got a lot more going for her than most people of any color.

I'm going to say this loud and clear again. I AM NOT A RACIST AND I DIDN'T RAISE MY KIDS TO BE RACISTS. I find it abhorrent in fact, repulsive behavior to be clear. I do not put up with it under any circumstances. I call people out on it, I don't care if they are my boss, my coworker, my customer, a stranger on the street - if I see or hear any hint of racism, I always always make a very clear stand for what is right and what is wrong - and racism is one of the most disgusting wrongs of our world.

One thing that I find especially racist is the old, tired "one drop rule." No, if a person is "part black," that doesn't mean they are "all black" - not unless that's how they want to self identify. I am personally always taken aback when someone trots that old "societal rule" - which actually used to be a law for God's sake - and I certainly don't understand why anyone would think it has any real merit.
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