U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Grandparents
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 08-30-2018, 08:01 AM
 
3,902 posts, read 2,742,272 times
Reputation: 7177

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
See? You place 100% of the blame on her and zero on you. You act like she's a terrorist instead of someone who finds it difficult to get along with her mom.
But look at the whole picture. This daughter has also removed her children out of society, moving them to a remote location, not enrolling them into school, not taking them to visit great grandma (as she promised), then add the whole strange costume/online photo thing. As a mother of 4, this is not typical good parenting behavior and it is worrisome. It sounds very immature to me and some sort of escape, as an armchair psychologist.

And while the daughter has developed an anti-white bent, why go after her mother, who obviously isn't racist because she actually married a black man, her father.

I think if KA was seeing photos online of the kids participating in sports or getting awards at school, she would feel more comfortable knowing that at least the kids are doing okay. But she's not seeing that.

 
Old 08-30-2018, 08:54 AM
 
3,412 posts, read 3,219,674 times
Reputation: 3853
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
But look at the whole picture. This daughter has also removed her children out of society, moving them to a remote location, not enrolling them into school, not taking them to visit great grandma (as she promised), then add the whole strange costume/online photo thing. As a mother of 4, this is not typical good parenting behavior and it is worrisome. It sounds very immature to me and some sort of escape, as an armchair psychologist.

And while the daughter has developed an anti-white bent, why go after her mother, who obviously isn't racist because she actually married a black man, her father.

I think if KA was seeing photos online of the kids participating in sports or getting awards at school, she would feel more comfortable knowing that at least the kids are doing okay. But she's not seeing that.
That's one person's side of the story. It would be nice to see the other side. They could be very different. We are hearing KA's reason why she thinks this is happening. It could be right but on the other hand what if the daughter has a different reason.

It's amazing how two people can see one situation in completely different ways. It's also amazing how easy it is to place blame.

My mother was also in an abusive marriage. It's interesting to hear the stories from the three people that lived through that time. 2 of them are very different and they aren't the mother and father.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,302 posts, read 4,148,032 times
Reputation: 18284
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
We'll have to agree to disagree about the daughter having an obligation. Just because she lives close by? Geography places more burden on her?
As long as she’s willingly accepting money every month from her grandmother, she’s obligated to her. It’s wrong to cut someone off completely while still accepting gifts from that person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
But look at the whole picture. This daughter has also removed her children out of society, moving them to a remote location, not enrolling them into school, not taking them to visit great grandma (as she promised), then add the whole strange costume/online photo thing. As a mother of 4, this is not typical good parenting behavior and it is worrisome.
The kids’ complete isolation from others of their own age together with the homeschooling is definately worrisome. Particularly since the oldest kid is now a teenager; high school is when most homeschoolers run into difficulties, because the subject matter becomes difficult enough (particularly the science and math portions) that most adults can’t effectively teach it on their own and need to rely on a formal curriculum. If the kids are not being properly educated, this could have lifelong negative repercussions. I’m sure Texas has some sort of educational requirements that parents who are homeschooling are obligated to meet; someone needs to make sure those standards are indeed being adhered to.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 10:37 AM
 
1,195 posts, read 799,367 times
Reputation: 4293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
As long as sheís willingly accepting money every month from her grandmother, sheís obligated to her. Itís wrong to cut someone off completely while still accepting gifts from that person.



The kidsí complete isolation from others of their own age together with the homeschooling is definately worrisome. Particularly since the oldest kid is now a teenager; high school is when most homeschoolers run into difficulties, because the subject matter becomes difficult enough (particularly the science and math portions) that most adults canít effectively teach it on their own and need to rely on a formal curriculum. If the kids are not being properly educated, this could have lifelong negative repercussions. Iím sure Texas has some sort of educational requirements that parents who are homeschooling are obligated to meet; someone needs to make sure those standards are indeed being adhered to.
There are a lot of homeschool communities that arenít isolating their children. My daughter homeschools her children and their curriculum has a class where they meet once a week, go on field trips together, my grandgirls are in ballet, some of their friends are in sports. The girls has friends who go to public schools. They have to take a test to make sure their keeping up.

My daughter is college educated and one reason she decided on homeschooling is that she was so bored at school and wasnít challenged enough. My daughter in law was homeschooled and is very social and has had no problems socially. The ones who has problems are the ones whose soul purpose is to isolate. Honestly there are kids in public schools who are messed up and falls in the cracks.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 10:51 AM
 
16,588 posts, read 14,063,191 times
Reputation: 20556
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Why do you ask? They're 1/4 African American though, for the record. Not that this matters one whit to me one way or the other.
Actually it does matter. Clearly your daughter feels that you did not parent her, a black woman, in a way that she felt was appropriate. In all likelihood she likewise feels you will grandparent mixed race grandchildren the way she feels is appropriate.

You can love people of color without understanding their experience. Not understanding their experience, is discounting who they are as people. I suspect your daughter wishes to spare her children that pain. It is unfortunate that she feels that sparing them that pain is worth a loss of the grandparent child relationship, you may want to think about how strongly she must feel if she is willing to do that.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 10:55 AM
 
16,588 posts, read 14,063,191 times
Reputation: 20556
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
She married a guy whose ancestry is Panamanian. Puerto Rican, and Italian. I'd call him "Hispanic" but I know that Hispanics can come in any color. Does he look African or African American? No. He looks more, well, Hispanic as in someone from the Amazon rain forest. He doesn't know of anyone in his family with African ancestry but with one branch coming from Panama and Puerto Rico (his dad was Italian) there's no telling.

Her four kids range from very light skinned to medium dark and with straight hair, wavy hair, curly hair and hair that looks "black." Their features vary a lot from child to child too.

If you didn't know better, you'd think that two of her four kids were something like Mexican or maybe Sicilian. The other two have more evidence of African ancestry though it's clear that they are multiracial in some way.

For the record, they are absolutely beautiful kids and their parents are unusually good looking too. Definitely a family that turns heads for more reasons than one. People tend to have the innate desire to categorize others and frankly, these kids defy categorizing.
Ah, so her children are decisively people of color. Multiracial and/or racially ambiguous people have their own unique challenges. Again, I suspect your daughter feels you did not support her, as a black woman, in the way she feels her own children should be supported. The "color blind" approach is not supportive btw. I say this as the white sister to biracial sibling and a mixed race daughter.

My own grandmother loved all of us equally. But she was a product of her generation, and refused to discuss race and insisted upon pretending that everyone was white. If something racially unfair happened to one of them, she was dismissive without realizing it. It hurt them, terribly. To the point that they avoided her for it. Having your experience dismissed, is like having your identity dismissed. She never understood, and IMO didn't particularly try. She was after all "colorblind" and expected them to praise her for it.

It is a shame that her inability to support who they were, in their entirety, stopped them from having a meaningful relationship.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 11:44 AM
 
1,195 posts, read 799,367 times
Reputation: 4293
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Actually it does matter. Clearly your daughter feels that you did not parent her, a black woman, in a way that she felt was appropriate. In all likelihood she likewise feels you will grandparent mixed race grandchildren the way she feels is appropriate.

You can love people of color without understanding their experience. Not understanding their experience, is discounting who they are as people. I suspect your daughter wishes to spare her children that pain. It is unfortunate that she feels that sparing them that pain is worth a loss of the grandparent child relationship, you may want to think about how strongly she must feel if she is willing to do that.
How do you know? Are you friends with her daughter? Why isnít her anger against her father who abused her ? You donít know about whatís going on with her anymore then we do. Something happened with her daughter but it doesnít necessarily mean itís all KAís fault. If her daughter has a problem with her mother she is clearly old enough to explain to her about how she feels.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 12:08 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,070,624 times
Reputation: 32401
Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
KA, never said that her daughter is 100% to blame and it isn't unreasonable to expect someone to be respectful in one's own home and to expect your child to be at least courteous to one's grandparents who has sent her money by at least acknowledge it.

Where did she claim that her daughter was a terrorist?
She said her daughter has been "radicalized, " a description commonly used to describe terrorists. I didn't say she called her daughter a terrorist.

Please show me where KA takes responsibility for her part in this.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 12:18 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,070,624 times
Reputation: 32401
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
But look at the whole picture. This daughter has also removed her children out of society, moving them to a remote location, not enrolling them into school, not taking them to visit great grandma (as she promised), then add the whole strange costume/online photo thing. As a mother of 4, this is not typical good parenting behavior and it is worrisome. It sounds very immature to me and some sort of escape, as an armchair psychologist.

And while the daughter has developed an anti-white bent, why go after her mother, who obviously isn't racist because she actually married a black man, her father.

I think if KA was seeing photos online of the kids participating in sports or getting awards at school, she would feel more comfortable knowing that at least the kids are doing okay. But she's not seeing that.
I acknowledged that the daughter has some apparent issues. KA's attitude about race is outdated and not supportive. I pointed that out in my first post on this thread. Even if race were not an issue in this morher-daughter relationship , I would assume there is fault on both sides. That's how relationships work. Based on KA's own posts, she is making excuses for the things her daughter is holding against her. She's not accepting responsibility or trying to change.
 
Old 08-30-2018, 12:18 PM
 
1,195 posts, read 799,367 times
Reputation: 4293
Radicalized (the word) has been used to mean obsessed, fanatical beliefs not just terrorist. She never said she didn't share any responsibility either.

Why isn't she as mad at her father who didn't care about her?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top