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I don't think my personal boundaries are out of line. They are basically "Don't be rude." This translates into "Don't come over to my house two hours late on a family holiday and then when you get here, don't be blatantly rude to me (and others) and then pitch a screaming conniption fit, upsetting all the children (8 to be exact) and my sick mother who just lost her husband of 57 years."
Also covered under "Don't be rude" is "Don't cash check after check from your grandmother and never acknowledge her in any way." And "Don't spread blatant lies about me to your siblings and my brothers and try actively to turn people against me, anytime but especially right after I lose my dad and inherit my mother who needs 24/7 supervision."
Her personal boundaries are "Don't be white."
I get that she doesn't like white people and that's her perogative. It still makes me very sad to be cut off from my daughter and my grandchildren. I'm trying to keep a link to those kids open.
I really doubt that is her only boundary. Has she written off ALL white people? Or just you?
I see a complicated story here, and a lifelong interpersonal relationship that lead to where you and your daughter are right now. I don't think either you or your daughter alone is to blame. I don't see you taking any of the responsibility, and I'm positive some of it is on you. You refuse to accept any responsibility. The only reason you can come up with is that you're white. You aren't doing any soul searching. Without that, you will never repair your relationship, and you will likely lose your grand kids.
Thank you for getting it. Honestly I don't see how it's so hard for some people to understand.
I am hoping she will reconnect, if not with me then at least with my mom. I sent her a text yesterday with an update on mom but got no response at all.
It's hard for some to understand because they don't want to understand, they want to criticize everything you do and say. It's pathetic.
It's hard for some to understand because they don't want to understand, they want to criticize everything you do and say. It's pathetic.
We're only hearing one side of the story. I take everything I read here with a grain of salt because the other person't account would likely be different. I understand that KA is hurt. I don't believe she is completely blameless.
Last edited by Kibbiekat; 08-29-2018 at 09:31 PM..
You don't believe children want to know about their great grandmas? When my mom had a quintuple bypass, my four year old grandson got in my car and the first thing he said was, "Grandma, your mommy is in the hospital, right, is she okay?"
We're not talking about putting kids in the middle of family dramas, we're talking about making sure even the little ones know that they are loved by their older relatives who may be dying. My grandkids all made cards and wrote letters. It was good for them and good for my mother.
I think someone needs to be a parent and grandparent to understand. My grandmother was my most favorite person ever and you can bet that even as a young child I would want to know if she was sick. Now my own granddaughter is the same way has been since she was little bitty thing.
You truly have a vendetta against KA... your post are clearly made to make her look bad and to goad her. I've read her post too and saw nothing you are implying.
You are entitled to your opinion, but I believe your purpose is just to harass KA.
You got it exactly right. Always been this way and there's no reason or it and no explaining it. It gets very old. Putting her on ignore is probably the only the solution for KA and the rest of us.
Certainly. But she can't expect to set those boundaries without facing any negative repercussions. That's all part of setting boundaries.
And as KaraG points out in her post, children are individual persons in their own right. They are not the property of their parents, parents do not control their children's thoughts and feelings, and while KA's daughter may be able to keep her children from visiting their dying great grandma before she passes and from contacting KA before they reach the age of majority, after they reach age 18 what they decide to feel and do is 100% up to them. And by barring them from ALL contact with their grandmother and great grandmother, KA's daughter may be sowing seeds of future resentment (or even estrangement) on the part of her own children. Again, that's an inevitable risk arising from the course of action she's chosen.
Yes! The children now have permission to treat their mother the same way. Grandparents are priceless in the childrens' lives. The love grandparents have for their grandchildren is like no other. Every child should experience that unconditional, deep, caring love.
Have you ever asked your daughter why she has radicalized so much? Do your other kids have any thoughts about why or what did it? Her husband?
"You get" that she doesn't like white people... I don't. Her mother is white. Her (supposedly) beloved grandparents are white. Her kids are ¼ white. SHE is ½ white. Someone or something radicalized your daughter. She is as bad as the radicals on the other side she apparently hates so much. She just doesn't see it. Radicals are radicals, doesn't matter what party or what affiliation. They are all equally toxic and intolerant imo.
It's not healthy that she thinks like this and it's not healthy she can't even discuss it with you. I'd be worried about your grandkids, too, if I were you. Yes, she can feel how she wants, it is her prerogative and I don't disagree there. Her beliefs may not make sense and be, frankly, stupid especially considering where she comes from, but you can't snap your fingers and change someone. But it's really not healthy for her kids to grow up with someone who thinks the way she apparently does.
Yes, I totally agree. I don't mean that I UNDERSTAND why she suddenly doesn't like white people - I just mean that I realize she doesn't like white people, and that's her perogative.
I think you hit the nail on the head - she has truly been radicalized and I don't understand how or why it happened.
Yes! The children now have permission to treat their mother the same way. Grandparents are priceless in the childrens' lives. The love grandparents have for their grandchildren is like no other. Every child should experience that unconditional, deep, caring love.
Yes, I totally agree. I don't mean that I UNDERSTAND why she suddenly doesn't like white people - I just mean that I realize she doesn't like white people, and that's her perogative.
I think you hit the nail on the head - she has truly been radicalized and I don't understand how or why it happened.
See? You place 100% of the blame on her and zero on you. You act like she's a terrorist instead of someone who finds it difficult to get along with her mom.
See? You place 100% of the blame on her and zero on you. You act like she's a terrorist instead of someone who finds it difficult to get along with her mom.
KA, never said that her daughter is 100% to blame and it isn't unreasonable to expect someone to be respectful in one's own home and to expect your child to be at least courteous to one's grandparents who has sent her money by at least acknowledge it.
Where did she claim that her daughter was a terrorist?
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