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Old 07-27-2018, 01:36 PM
 
6 posts, read 9,145 times
Reputation: 18

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No I never implied or said that she was too old or febile to care for our daughter. I simply said that we want our daughter to have more socialization opportunities with kids her own age (which is 100% true since she is an only child) and that we were getting in trouble with work for missing too many days.

She offered to watch our daughter five days a week, we never asked her to watch her full time. We even asked if we could cut it back to a couple days a week and she insisted that we bring her all five and would not hear of it. I'm not sure why people are still insinuating that we must have expected something from her and or asked her to do this. This was completely her idea and offering, and then she became upset when we pulled back and decided to stop taking her over there. Is it that impossible to believe that a grandparent would offer this? Again, we never asked her to watch our daughter, this was completely her offer and choice. We have never even asked her to watch her on a date night or weekend because we are sensitive about asking people to watch her. We have always handled all of the child care ourselves and honestly this is getting a little frustrating having to defend this over and over. Again, I came here to get help as I could not understand why she was so upset about us choosing not to take our daughter over there. We never asked for her help or expected anything from her. We were doing the right thing by finding a daycare that could help so she wouldn't have to care for her anymore, and she got very upset with us because of that. But everyone here keeps assuming we must have expected this from her or asked her to do this which is completely untrue. I'm not sure why this is so hard for everyone to understand.

And no I have never posted on this site about my daughter's behavior. She is a very well behaved little girl and we have no issues at all with her behavior so I am unsure why you would post that.
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Old 07-27-2018, 02:08 PM
 
13,021 posts, read 12,464,716 times
Reputation: 37297
That your mother freaks out and chooses not to speak to you over decisions like this is a little over the top. My grandmothers provided daycare for all their grandchildren by their choice, so I understand why you went this route. Clearly, it's not working though. Your mom is just going to have to accept it. Don't apologize. Just be firm that you were making the choice best for you and your child. The problem lies with her.
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Old 07-29-2018, 04:04 AM
 
Location: Australia
298 posts, read 104,682 times
Reputation: 618
I wonder whether your mother worked when her children were pre-schoolers? If she did not she may well have conflicting opinions about your working role.

I am near to your mother's age and my own mother was a stay at home mother, as were the bulk of middle class women at that time in this country. When I rejoined the workforce when my kids were preschoolers she reacted quite erratically. She stated that I was rejecting her lifestyle yet she would want to mind the kids often, but not while I worked. She seemed to like being the martyr even though she loved my kids dearly. It did cause a degree of conflict and I kept her childminding for when we were socialising.

In any case, as I now do my share of minding grandkids, it is definitely exhausting. I keep it to two days a week most of the time. We had a bad flu epidemic last winter here and I ended up with a few extras. Because they cannot go daycare while sick and it would be the same for you there. It underlines the need for backup carers, as last winter I ended up filling in when the Thursday nanny got sick, when the other grandmother got sick, when the daycare centre rang to collect one child and both parents were in the city an hour away.

But from what you describe, your mother was not coping with childcare and obviously you have to make other arrangements.
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Old 07-29-2018, 08:34 AM
 
6,796 posts, read 2,636,042 times
Reputation: 18399
May I synopsize this for you? The OP is really long.

"I have a 2 year old daughter, and so far we haven't put her in daycare and have no backup babysitters. My parents are doing full time care for her although they seem to really not want to, and we suspect she's not being cared for well, and they frequently cancel on us with no notice. We've decided to put her in regular daycare. When I told my mother that has become very angry and has said that will ruin her life and because of this my husband is no longer welcome in their home."
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Old 07-29-2018, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,052 posts, read 10,079,571 times
Reputation: 27884
Do what's best for your child and your immediate family. Hopefully your mother will calm down over time and you'll be able to establish a decent relationship where your parents spend time with their granddaughter without being her childcare provider. But even if that never happens, you are still making the correct choice here, your daughter absolutely has to be your priority, not an apparently messed up relationship with your own mother. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is.
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Old 07-31-2018, 04:16 AM
 
6,124 posts, read 5,156,035 times
Reputation: 8352
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarisaMay View Post
I wonder whether your mother worked when her children were pre-schoolers? If she did not she may well have conflicting opinions about your working role.

I am near to your mother's age and my own mother was a stay at home mother, as were the bulk of middle class women at that time in this country. When I rejoined the workforce when my kids were preschoolers she reacted quite erratically. She stated that I was rejecting her lifestyle yet she would want to mind the kids often, but not while I worked. She seemed to like being the martyr even though she loved my kids dearly. It did cause a degree of conflict and I kept her childminding for when we were socialising.

In any case, as I now do my share of minding grandkids, it is definitely exhausting. I keep it to two days a week most of the time. We had a bad flu epidemic last winter here and I ended up with a few extras. Because they cannot go daycare while sick and it would be the same for you there. It underlines the need for backup carers, as last winter I ended up filling in when the Thursday nanny got sick, when the other grandmother got sick, when the daycare centre rang to collect one child and both parents were in the city an hour away.

But from what you describe, your mother was not coping with childcare and obviously you have to make other arrangements.

It IS definitely exhausting. I have two grandsons, 4 3/4 years old and 21 months, whom I babysit four days a week during the summer months (I am a high school cafeteria cook, so I'm free June through August). I go back to work in three weeks, at about the time oldest will be starting Kindergarten (full day). DD will be taking youngest to work with her. I'm now 58, and I spent almost 5 years as babysitter, watching them on weekends and three afternoons/evenings a week at her store, first oldest and then both after the youngest was born. Now that oldest will be in school all day, I'm cutting back.

OP, please don't take this the wrong way...but does your mother drink? The reason I'm asking is her cancelling at the last minute with "dizzy spells". And the fact that she prefers texting rather than speaking to you in person? To avoid your detecting slurred speech? And the accidents your daughter has had. Toddlers are accident prone, I know, but it seems to be happening all too often. And the fact that she doesn't "get out of her chair". Not to mention her mood swings.

For your child's sake, please find other arrangements.
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Old 08-01-2018, 03:19 AM
 
Location: Australia
298 posts, read 104,682 times
Reputation: 618
It must be really hard for working parents in the US and they are lucky when grandparents are able and willing to mind them for that long summer break.

We have over 200 school days a year, which I think is about four weeks longer than the US (I could be wrong on that) The normal amount of paid vacation for workers is four weeks plus all public holidays. The long summer vacation for kids is about six weeks which includes the public holidays of Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Day and Australia Day. Yet it is still really hard for working parents to cover it all and my daughter has to produce a spreadsheet to keep track of all the arrangements.

But obviously no grandparents should be minding kids if they are not mentally and physically able to.
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Old 08-01-2018, 11:07 PM
 
2,463 posts, read 1,057,569 times
Reputation: 9593
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjfrog17 View Post
No I never implied or said that she was too old or febile to care for our daughter. I simply said that we want our daughter to have more socialization opportunities with kids her own age (which is 100% true since she is an only child) and that we were getting in trouble with work for missing too many days.

She offered to watch our daughter five days a week, we never asked her to watch her full time. We even asked if we could cut it back to a couple days a week and she insisted that we bring her all five and would not hear of it. I'm not sure why people are still insinuating that we must have expected something from her and or asked her to do this. This was completely her idea and offering, and then she became upset when we pulled back and decided to stop taking her over there. Is it that impossible to believe that a grandparent would offer this? Again, we never asked her to watch our daughter, this was completely her offer and choice. We have never even asked her to watch her on a date night or weekend because we are sensitive about asking people to watch her. We have always handled all of the child care ourselves and honestly this is getting a little frustrating having to defend this over and over. Again, I came here to get help as I could not understand why she was so upset about us choosing not to take our daughter over there. We never asked for her help or expected anything from her. We were doing the right thing by finding a daycare that could help so she wouldn't have to care for her anymore, and she got very upset with us because of that. But everyone here keeps assuming we must have expected this from her or asked her to do this which is completely untrue. I'm not sure why this is so hard for everyone to understand.

And no I have never posted on this site about my daughter's behavior. She is a very well behaved little girl and we have no issues at all with her behavior so I am unsure why you would post that.

Unfortunately many times posters project or extrapolate or assuming or presuming and before you know it they have got things so wrong you are wondering who they are talking about

Hope things have calmed down at the home front.
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Old 08-02-2018, 07:41 PM
 
5,841 posts, read 3,314,680 times
Reputation: 13661
Is it possible that your parents need the money you were giving them for babysitting? In any case, your first obligation is to your daughter.
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Old 08-07-2018, 09:23 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,149 posts, read 3,649,847 times
Reputation: 13572
I just don't think your mother wants to be a babysitter. She might just want to be a grandmother, seeing the baby on HER terms WHEN she wants to, not when she HAS to.

All grandmas aren't prepared to be babysitters. They have raised their kids and they want their own time to themselves. I know it sounds mean, but if they aren't feeling well or get tired easily, they just aren't cut out for hours of watching an active child.
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