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My grandson is 7 end of this month
He was over this afternoon to spend the night—
We have 2nd home in FL next to my daughter’s and her husband’s so we see lot of grandson when we are here
He acted fine today—went to McD’s for supper—he and my husband played with toys and then he and I watched Ugly Dolls after he took his bath
He seemed find
His mother was out afternoon and evening so she came over soon after he came to say good night
He talked to his dad a couple of times on the phone and sent next door to look for toy before watching the movie...
But he has been having “scary” dreams == some anxiety issues—and has been having trouble sleeping at our house recently—whereas when he was younger he really didn’t
I know there can be lot of reasons for issues like that
Tonight he got out of bed and came looking for me—
Was emotional but also tired
He confided that today his mom and dad had a fight and he heard it because he was in their closet and they didn’t know it—
He said they used the F word a lot
He was upset about the fight
I told him that sometimes people in families had arguments but they still loved each other
He doesn’t like arguments
My SIL doesn’t like arguments either
I was surprised when he said they had one
My SIL (his dad) has been out of work about 18 month—he had two short term jobs before that but in last 4 yrs has been out of work more than employed—
Lot of reasons for it but my daughter has been the wage earner and I know she is frustrated although she is trying to be supportive
I didn’t ask grandson what they were fighting about
I thought that was too personal and would only make him worry more
He eventually decided he wanted to go home and my husband walked him over after I called his dad
Grandson might be young but has excellent vocabulary—is only child and spends most of his time with them vs neighborhood kids during the summer...
Our neighborhood is mainly seniors and families w/older kids—no friends his age in close proximity
Question is—
Should we tell our daughter about the grandson hearing their argument?
I am wondering now if part of his separation anxiety (he really wants to spend time with his mom) is down to them having more arguments or just showing more tension than she has revealed to us
Kids soak up stuff like that like sponges...
We are seasonal—have been here for little over a month—but haven’t made a big deal about doing things with them—we give them space—
Yes, you should tell her in as careful terms as possible.
Be caring but brief, say you want to respect their privacy but you wanted her to know what the boy said. Ask if she is ok, and let her know that you're there for them if they need you. Then follow her lead going forward.
Yes, you should tell her in as careful terms as possible.
Be caring but brief, say you want to respect their privacy but you wanted her to know what the boy said. Ask if she is ok, and let her know that you're there for them if they need you. Then follow her lead going forward.
Don't prompt your grandson, and try not to worry.
Yes—I didn’t prompt him about this really—just asked him why he couldn’t go to sleep...
We have talked to her about her stress level because of SIL being out of work
We don’t agree with their decision making about this but we don’t discuss it much anymore
He isn’t willing to compromise and consider other options
I guess husband and I will talk about this tomorrow
Daughter is usually more comfortable talking to him than me about problems most of the time
Be very, very careful saying anything. My gut tells me very little can be gained sharing anything said with the parents. There are more downsides, than upsides. If the safety of the child was threatened, yes, but this is 3rd party, "they said. " Soon, you could be in the middle of their family drama.
If she doesn't say anything to her daughter now, what happens if the grandson has a story like this at every visit?
After how many visits from the grandson should she say anything? At some point, there will be TOO many, and the daughter will wonder why the grandma was sitting on this "secret" for so long. Then SHE may not feel like she can trust her own mom.
The most important thing that the grandson needs to know next is that if he is hiding and people start having a conversation without knowing he's there, he needs to make his presence known. He doesn't need to be taught that he can come to "Granny the secret keeper." He should be taught how to deal with open and honest communication.
The OP did a great job explaining that people sometimes argue even when they love each other. Now teach the rest of the story, about accountability and trust, and walk the walk instead of just talking the talk.
If the fighting escalates of course something needs to be done.
But maybe the parents argument was a one off thing
And again, what would be accomplished by talking to her daughter? Will it help her husband find a job, will it stop the fights, if there is more than one? No
Mostly it will show the GS that he can't trust his grandmother with telling her things that are bothering him.
Not betraying a confidence is not keeping secrets, it's not betraying a trust, in this case of a very small boy.
And when he's feeling anxious and worried about his parents it's not the time to lecture him about how HE behaved improperly by not revealing himself in the middle of a fight between adults. He was probably scared.
There's little to be gained at this point by talking to her daughter. Daughter already knows they shouldn't fight in front of their son.
If the fighting escalates of course something needs to be done.
But maybe the parents argument was a one off thing ...
If ... maybe ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl
And when he's feeling anxious and worried about his parents it's not the time to lecture him about how HE behaved improperly by not revealing himself in the middle of a fight between adults. He was probably scared.
The best thing she can do is model good communication skills to him, and there are plenty of ways to do that without lecturing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl
There's little to be gained at this point by talking to her daughter. Daughter already knows they shouldn't fight in front of their son.
Little to be gained? In the short run, maybe. In the long run, there's plenty to be gained.
Sure, she could bite her tongue. They haven't been living there that long, and the situation with daughter and SIL has been going on for more than a year. No need to make her think Grandma is a spy living next door. But they may be the kind of family that looks to each other for support. Wouldn't that be a refreshing concept here.
BirdieBelle we're going to have to disagree on this one but at least it will give the OP two points of view to think about.
My advice is to tread very lightly with adult children about their own children.
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