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Is it possible that the oldest child/children are able to fly down in summer 2020 as unaccompanied minors?
Either it would be just one or two airfares vs. four plane tickets OR you could propose that your oldest child/children fly down to visit them IF the grandparents pay all their expenses otherwise you will have to save up for the trip and maybe be able to come in 2021 or 2022.
Frankly, if your husband is estranged from his parents as the spouse I can't imagine why you are taking so much of an effort or expense. Could it be because of a potential inheritance? Are these their only grandchildren?
Having once been married to someone who estranged himself from his parents, I can understand those dynamics. It's difficult.
IMHO your in-laws are expecting you to shoulder a burden that your husband has created and is unwilling to change. His bad relationship with his parents is not your fault, nor is it a situation that you're under any obligation to mitigate. My advice is to explain simply and straightforwardly that you can't afford it, and then step away. This isn't your battle to fight, not even on the fringes.
Frankly, his parents should be grateful that your husband even allows the kids to see or communicate with them at all;
that is something that my ex-husband didn't allow. Not only did he not want to have any more contact with his parents but he would have gone absolutely ballistic if either I or our son tried to do so.
Another great point of view. It does seem very odd that your husband won't visit his parents but allows or encourages you and your children to visit them.
It also seems odd that, under these circumstances, your in-laws are so picky and demanding. You would think that they would be happy to meet you and the grandchildren when you travel to the south to see you rfamily.
No inheritance.. at least I don’t know about one.
I have kept the relationship up because my
Kids don’t have a lot of other family. It is me, my husband, my dad, and my brother and his family who live in SC. I feel for my kids whose friends have many local relatives who come to their events etc.. i want them to at least have another set to chat with.
The relationship between my husband and in particular his mother has gotten worse over the years. They do speak but it is a hi/bye type thing. My oldest are twins and are 9-to fly as unaccompanied minor would be $150 extra per ticket. That would be a good option when they get older and can fly solo.
When our kids were younger, we never took vacations due to having three kids in daycare (30k per year!) when the youngest started school, we used a portion of that money to budget for an annual trip. This is our special family treat every year and we plan for it accordingly. When we didn’t vacation, my in laws paid for the kids to fly down and I would pay my way. The second they saw we went on a vacation , they stopped offering. I guess they feel like if we can fly to an island, we can pay to see them. But i wont spend our vacation fund on a trip that doesn’t include my husband... and we wont go. So, thats that.
I am thinking of telling them we cannot afford it this year and maybe we will come next year. The whole situation is just exhausting. When we do fly down, his mother spends the entire time grilling me to get dirt on my husband. She accuses him of being a liar etc right to my face. I have always felt obligated to deal with it for the kids. But hearing your opinions makes me think it is time to walk away and stop putting so much effort in... thanks everyone for all your thoughts so far.
The whole situation is just exhausting. When we do fly down, his mother spends the entire time grilling me to get dirt on my husband. She accuses him of being a liar etc right to my face. I have always felt obligated to deal with it for the kids. But hearing your opinions makes me think it is time to walk away and stop putting so much effort in... thanks everyone for all your thoughts so far.
This doesn't sound healthy at all. Seeing family for the sake of "family" isn't worth this. I also am surprised your husband is on board with your going without him.
I think your intent was admirable, but the execution isn't working so well.
Totally unhealthy. My husband is very aloof about the whole situation. He doesn’t care whether I visit them or don’t call them ever again. But if it try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and very defensive.
So i have stopped bringing it up... maybe better to stop trying so hard. I originally thought I could help fix the situation but it just gets worse as time
Goes on. So sad for everyone involved but not much more I can do.
I have kept the relationship up because my
Kids don’t have a lot of other family. It is me, my husband, my dad, and my brother and his family who live in SC. I feel for my kids whose friends have many local relatives who come to their events etc.. i want them to at least have another set to chat with.
(snip)
Regarding "relatives". When our children were young (and both sets of grandparents lived far away) they sort of "adopted" an older couple (who were neighbors) as surrogate grandparents to do things with several times a week. And the funny thing is that my father sort of "adopted" some kids in his neighborhood as surrogate grandchildren that he saw almost every day. These were all "extra relatives/people" in their lives in addition to the blood relatives that they saw infrequently.
I know a couple with young children where the wife is an only child and the husband's unmarried sister lives overseas (so no US aunts, uncles or cousins for their kids). The parents keep up strong relationships with their first cousins and their children (as well as their aunts and uncles). So, the children are building very positive relationships with extended family.
Perhaps, "think outside the box" for more people to love your children and that they can love in return.
I have kept the relationship up because my Kids don’t have a lot of other family. It is me, my husband, my dad, and my brother and his family who live in SC. I feel for my kids whose friends have many local relatives who come to their events etc.. i want them to at least have another set to chat with.
I understand your motivation, I really do, but IMHO you are overthinking it. My ex estranged us not only from his parents but from all his other relatives as well, including his brother's kids who were only a few years older than our son. So the only relatives my son had growing up were my parents.
My mom's parents died before I was born and her brothers lived out of state and so as a child I had no relatives on that side. My dad's parents moved to Florida when I was about seven years old and so we only saw them once a year when we'd drive down there in August. They lived in a retirement community and to be honest, the only thing I enjoyed about visiting them was that their house was two blocks from the beach. As far as interaction with my grandparents, there wasn't much of that but that's the way they always were: They were very much adult-oriented, not child-oriented. I had no cousins on my dad's side either, because my uncle and his wife never had children and were involved in their own lives; we'd see them once a year, maybe.
But here's the thing: I never wished I had the whole "family gatherings" thing or felt deprived in any way because it was only my parents who came to things at school, etc. In fact I would look at my neighborhood friends who were part of large families (siblings, cousins, etc) and think "Better them than me." The big-family thing never appealed to me because I don't like large groups, noise, commotion, etc. I can tolerate it when necessary (very occasionally) but don't enjoy it.
Kids from small families (even VERY small families) turn out fine, just as kids from larger families do.
Here's a question: Do your kids actively ask (or nag) you about seeing their paternal grandparents? As in "Are we going to see grandma and grandpa?" in an anticipatory or "I want to" way? If not, there's your answer. If your kids can take or leave seeing their father's parents and basically don't care either way, why should you? Especially if it results in you having to sit there uncomfortably and be a sounding board for your MIL's airing of grievances against your husband.
This is more than a "who pays" issue.
Your husband's non-relationship with his parents is really the crux of the situation.
You're to be commended for trying to connect your children with their grandparents.
They sound difficult from the description given by you.
South Carolina is the best bet. I would issue an invitation "We'll be in SC for two weeks in June. The children would love to see you."
Offer to help them with accommodation, pick up at airport, etc. and leave it at that.
Ball's in their court. And they can decide what they want to do.
I think I should add that my husband has a strained relationship with his parents and barely talks to them. He doesn’t come when we visit. It is just me and the kids. I am the one who calls his parents and makes plans to keep up the relationship. So asking him to talk to his mom is out of the question. He says “who cares just tell her no and don’t go”.
To me this is sad so I try my best but feel it is one sided. Paying for camp is not really a choice as we work and the kids are too small to stay home alone in summer. The activities are certainly a choice but those benefit my kids and they are my #1. So, I am left to decide do we charge another trip on the card (3rd in 3 years) or is there some alternative solution. We have offered meeting in the middle when we visit SC once a year but they want the kids staying at their house.
You cant force a relationship that doesn’t exist and frankly your in laws are expecting but not putting any effort into being grandparents. It’s lovely that you try but I’d say let go.
South Carolina is the best bet. I would issue an invitation "We'll be in SC for two weeks in June. The children would love to see you."
Offer to help them with accommodation, pick up at airport, etc. and leave it at that.
Ball's in their court. And they can decide what they want to do.
This.
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