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Old 10-01-2008, 02:18 PM
1 posts, read 3,485 times
Reputation: 10


My grandchild just turned 10 years old last month. She and my son and daughter-in-law live in Seattle and I live in Ft. Lauderdale so thus have a long-distance relationship. We only get an opportunity to see each other maybe twice a year. My granddaughter has always been very precocious but also very ill-mannered and often times not corrected by her parents who have always seemed a bit controlled by her rather than the other way around. The fact is that my granddaughter and I have never had a close relationship since birth as she is a very selfish child and she doesn't participate in phone conversations. It has always seemed an effort for her to take the time to put down her computer games and spend 3 mins on the phone with me whenever I've called. Our visits together when I am in Seattle are generally friendly and pleasant.

My question to other grandparents on the forum is what advice would you give me about the fact that I NEVER get a Thank You phone call, letter or card or anything after she's received a gift from me. Yet I know that the clothes that I send are always her favorite gift and she looks forward to receiving what I send because she loves my taste. I've sent her a letter about proper gift ettiquette but heard nothing and nothing has changed. Her parents know how I feel and my son was brought up with good values and knows proper ettiquette. I feel like I should only send cards with no more presents until something changes. What do you think?
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Old 10-01-2008, 06:29 PM
Location: Oxford, OH
1,461 posts, read 3,213,282 times
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Actually my mom did this with one of my children and I must say it didn't go over very well. Now I am a grandparent and I do think it is important to teach your children manners but you want it to be from the heart not forced. Sort of takes the joy out of it. Maybe tell her sometime how much it means to get a note from her. Tell her it is important for you to know that she enjoys what you send her.
I have already started on the little ones saying thank you. Somehow this new generation has forgotten some of the social graces and they are important. Everyone enjoys being appreciated.
I used to tell my kids as they were growing up that when you appreciate someone for doing something it not only makes them feel loved but makes them want to continue doing things for you.
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Old 10-01-2008, 06:58 PM
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
112 posts, read 289,270 times
Reputation: 54
No thank you?
Just send a card.
I think it's very simple. I lost all my thank you cards moving, so I will buy some cute ones around Christmas.
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Old 10-01-2008, 07:06 PM
2,857 posts, read 6,255,042 times
Reputation: 5098
She is only ten years old - I think a little more blame for the lack of a thank-you note or call needs to be placed on her parents. So maybe she doesn't want to write the note - it should not be optional. Her parents, the adults that are in her life on a daily basis, should be guiding her and teaching her good manners. I commend you for sending her a letter explaining the importance of a genuine thank-you, but like most lessons, kids need reinforcement.

Do you get a thank-you note from your son or his wife when you send them a present? They need to be role modeling this to their daughter.

My vote would be to continue the gifts - you sound like you enjoy the process of choosing something for your granddaughter and she clearly appreciates the clothes enough to consider them her favorites. Don't just send the gift though - write a letter to go with it explaining how much fun you had shopping for her and asking that she call or write to tell you what she thought about what you chose. I know that seems like you are having to ask for the thanks, but what you really, really want more than a thank-you note is the relationship. Don't give up on her yet!
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Old 10-01-2008, 09:52 PM
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,459 posts, read 21,199,786 times
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She is only 10 years old..Nowdays some parents are too busy with both working just to make ends meet that they neglected to teach their kids respect amd good manners..I think they have even stopped teaching manners or "deportment" as they used to call it in the schools..
From your post I believe she loves you, and just may be backward about showing affection since she doesn't see you often..My sil rarely saw her two granddaughters when they were growing up, but from the time they were old enough to love a good noght story she called every night and read to them..As they grew older, it was letters, phone and the instant messaging..They became very close this way..
Try phoning her instead of her parents first
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Old 10-01-2008, 10:01 PM
Location: Montrose, CA
3,031 posts, read 7,863,957 times
Reputation: 1925
Notes and letters are too old-fashioned these days. Next time you send her a gift, write on the card that you would love her to email you a picture of herself modeling it so that you can put it on your computer.
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Old 10-01-2008, 11:56 PM
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,486 posts, read 13,339,114 times
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Originally Posted by misssoozie View Post
Her parents know how I feel and my son was brought up with good values and knows proper ettiquette.
Your son should be ensuring that the proper thanks are sent, many ten years olds aren't likely to do it on their own without a little prodding. It's still a learning process at that age. Mom and dad need to reinforce good manners until they are ingrained.
I agree that notes and letters are considered too old-fashioned by a lot of people these days. Almost all of my family correspondence is done by e-mail any more. Maybe your granddaughter would feel more comfortable with sending her thank you that way?
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:15 AM
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,136 posts, read 21,125,167 times
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Do you always send her a thank you card? I'm not sure I do. Children learn more by example than by instruction. Make sure the card you send her is really cute enough to get noticed.
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Old 10-02-2008, 06:01 AM
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,155,849 times
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I agree it's the parents that need to be instilling this in the child.
She's only 10 and still learning.

A thank you on the phone would be good too.

I had this talk with my sister not too long ago, she was complaining that my brother's children never send thank-you notes. I just kinda looked at her and said as gently as I could. Your children are 25 & 23 and I can count on one hand and have one finger left over when counting how many thank-you's I got from them.

She got quiet and said..."You're right."

I was anal about my son acknowledging gifts. I hope he passes this on to his children.
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Old 10-02-2008, 06:31 AM
Location: NE Oklahoma
1,036 posts, read 2,578,365 times
Reputation: 1080
My daughters got difficult not wanting to write a thank you note about 8 or so years old. Since I am the "Meanest Mother Alive" according to my oldest, I instated the policy of withholding the gift until the card is prepared. I will address it and mail it. Just write it. Or tell Nanny Thank You very properly on the phone. That is only acceptable if it isn't a birthday or Christmas gift though. But you don't get it to play with until it is finished. That is a great motivator. You are correct that it is the parent's responsibility to see this is accomplished more than a 10 year old. Good Luck!!!!!
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