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My mother is like this with her grandkids, no steps. If she wants to diminish any chance of a decent relationship with her grandkids, that is her issue, not mine. I will not shelter my kids from it, and, when they question it, I will not answer for her. I will have them ask her and make her face up to it. Then watch as my kids find out who she really is. She has no verbal self control when she gets ticked.
My problem is that my children do not have any grandparent that they are really close to, and they never will. MIL passed away last year, FIL was never in DH’s picture and has also passed away, my father it not in the picture, mutual on both our parts, my mother and her fiance can not be left with the kids for a moment, and the closest they have who I can actually trust is my sister’s mom, which makes me feel guilty though she loves the heck out of them and I’d never expect what she gives her gkids. It's just not right.
Its sad cause we don’t have much for family to really connect with. It’s sad for my kids part. Beyond all that though, knowing that they are safe and healthy is the primary focus. The rest, I can not and will not try to get a gparent to be fair. That’s their loss, not mine.
My mother is like this with her grandkids, no steps. If she wants to diminish any chance of a decent relationship with her grandkids, that is her issue, not mine. I will not shelter my kids from it, and, when they question it, I will not answer for her. I will have them ask her and make her face up to it. Then watch as my kids find out who she really is. She has no verbal self control when she gets ticked.
My problem is that my children do not have any grandparent that they are really close to, and they never will. MIL passed away last year, FIL was never in DH’s picture and has also passed away, my father it not in the picture, mutual on both our parts, my mother and her fiance can not be left with the kids for a moment, and the closest they have who I can actually trust is my sister’s mom, which makes me feel guilty though she loves the heck out of them and I’d never expect what she gives her gkids. It's just not right.
Its sad cause we don’t have much for family to really connect with. It’s sad for my kids part. Beyond all that though, knowing that they are safe and healthy is the primary focus. The rest, I can not and will not try to get a gparent to be fair. That’s their loss, not mine.
It is sad. We are talking LOVE here - and love is something that no one has just "this much" of - the more people we love, the richer our lives become.
But as I said earlier . . . not everyone sees it like that.
You are very wise to just accept that it is the way it is = and you can't change it.
I wish people understood the tremendous effect that they could have in their step g/children's lives. It is just too bad that some people can't see beyond "who is related to whom." Love should never have those sorts of boundaries.
You just make sure your baby feels love at home and go on with life I guess. My husbands parents are the same way with our kids. They grow up knowing who cared and who didn't.
Your (and hubby's) concerns have been stated to his parents. He talked to them a year ago, right?
Nothing has changed. They know what the issue is but they refuse to do the right thing for a step-grandchild.
Step back. Let it go. They will not hear you or your husband.
Leave it alone. They are not going to change and you will be beating a dead horse if you try to get them to change.
The ball is in your court and, frankly, they aren't in the game. It's hard to realize but most of the time we cannot make others behave like we would want them to. It's especially hard to accept this when it is your child who is not being treated fairly.
Don't let them hurt your child (and you) any further than they already have. Protect that new baby from all of this. Don't allow the grandparents to show preference to the new little one. Say "no" if you have to.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I simply have no idea how anyone can refuse to love a child. Maybe your child it better off without them.
I know the word "communism" is not well received in this country, but that's what families are to me: they're little communes that have limited resources that must be distributed according to need. Some people get more because they need more, and in a truly close-knit family that kind of stuff doesn't raise envy (assuming the system is not taken advantage of). My teenage sister gets more money from my parents than I did at her age, because she doesn't have a job like I did. I don't hold that against her, because I know she's a good kid, and she decided to spend her time on extra-curricular activities instead of a part-time job. She's happy.
Apologies for the tangent. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think I am willing to place the majority of the blame on the grandparents - they are only trying to provide help where help is most needed. Instead, what I see are two grown adults (the parents of grandkid #1) who are taking advantage of their own parents. From you description, they sound very selfish. What do you think would happen if grandma and grandpa tried to put their foot down by telling #1's parents to start picking up their kid early, or to stop dropping her off on the weekends? Would it go over smoothly? Maybe grandma and grandpa have found themselves in a pickle, and they don't want to ruin a relationship with a certain branch of the family, so they are bending over backwards to keep things running smoothly.
I'm not saying they are faultless, but they might be under a lot more pressure than you realize.
Also, do the grandparents have enough resources to treat everyone the way they treat grandkid #1? If they do, then I don't see why they're leaving your kid out. If they don't, maybe you should step up and invite them to go somewhere, and offer to pay for the outing. It might not seem fair, but when it comes to family, I think it's the right thing to do, especially if what you want is quality time, not $$$.
Last edited by adhzedan; 07-24-2009 at 11:10 AM..
Reason: more stuff to say
I'd invite the under-involved grandparents to attend outings, with your family only, on weekends. Make the invitations far in advance so you get on their schedule before anyone else can. Perhaps you could plan something special once a month for them to do with your family. If they agree, you'll know that they want to spend time with you and yours. If they repeatedly turn you down, you'll have your answer. Best wishes.
Unfortunately, you can't do much about it. I am pretty sure I've posted here before about the same sort of thing, and I've spent a long time being OUTRAGED. I won't lie, I'm still outraged, but I've realized there's nothing I can do.
In my situation, I met my ex when my son (from a previous relationship) was 18 months old. My son met my ex's parents when he was about 2.5 and we married when he was four. My ex's younger brother had just married, no kids yet, so even though my boy wasn't a "blood" grandchild, my son was pretty much the first grandchild for my ex in-laws. Oh, they were thrilled with him and in WORD anyway, they talked about him just as if he was a blood grandchild. After we married they would say they couldn't wait for grandchild number 2, and they didn't have to wait long; my second son was born just over a year after we married.
We lived about six hours away from them during our entire marriage so there was always a physical distance, but since my ex-MIL owns a travel agency, it's not (well, shouldn't be) an obstacle. Meanwhile, my ex's brother and his wife had a baby.. so my youngest's cousin(a girl) is a month younger than him. They had another child 2 years later... the difference is, they live in he same city as my ex's parents.
My boys are now 17 and 11 (soon to be 12). My ex and I split when they were 10 and 5, but even before that, there's been obvious favoritism with the grandkids that live "up there" in their city. Very obvious and painful. My ex in-laws are pretty darn well off financially. They pay for all kinds of private lessons for the grandkids up there (music, sports, swimming), pay for their very expensive private schools, and see them 2 or 3 times a week. Those grandkids have a Wii at their grandparent's house, get taken to Six Flags and so forth all the time, basically heavily doted on and spoiled. My kids don't have any of this.
With my boys, they see them once or twice a year when the kids visit their father, never call or write or email in between visits, never call. When I sent the boys to private school (a very low-cost co-op school I might add), I did it by working at the school in exchange for tuition. Never any help from them. Now, my ex lives where they do, and they support HIM (a grown man), while he is in arrears $9000 in child support and my kids live a very humble lifestyle that often dips into "poverty level". I will admit to having a lot of resentment about that... when the other g-kids are in fancy private schools thanks to them and mine are with me, sometimes wondering how we'll pay the light bill and never having ANYTHING new. Aside from the money issues, they just don't feel that their grandparents have any interest in them at all. They come back from visits and tell me "Wow, mom, it's like they have no idea who we are..." I don't understand how or why they can be this way, but I've learned that there's nothing I can do about it.
What's hilarious to me is that after my boys have been there for a visit, the grandparents go on and on about how well behaved and polite they are (compared to the other grandkids, who are apparently horribly behaved and can't be taken out to any sort of nice dinner, etc.) and how I've done such a great job as a mom. Yeah, thanks!
My ex is the "black sheep" of the family, and has caused them a lot of trouble. Maybe that explains their attitudes? I don't know, but if so, it's still wrong.
The only "good" ??? thing I can say about them is that they ignore both of my boys equally. At least they don't favor their blood grandchild over my firstborn or anything.
Not much you can do.
On a different but related note (and not to make this TOO long)... my paternal Grandmother was one who showed favoritism. In this case, my older brother was not my father's biological son. My mom and dad met when my brother was 9 months old, my mom's first husband having run out on her when she became pregnant. So, my father adopted him, and I was born 9 years later. My father's mother always showed a preference after I was born, sending Christmas gifts for me but not him, snubbing him at family gatherings. Finally my mom flat out told her not to bother sending anything to either of us if she couldn't be fair, so she stopped! I didn't see her for years and years, not until I was 14 and lived with my father for a while. Weird, but my mom felt she had to put her foot down on the favoritism thing because it was so blatant and hurtful, and totally uncalled for. My brother's only "crime" was being another man's child.. he was a very likeable and sweet, charming boy.
Truth is, as a grandmother, I probably give four times the money, time, effort and attention to the son of my daughter than I do my other two grandchildren from my older son. My daughter is a single young mom and I feel her 2 year old needs all the attention and finances I can spare. I don't have to worry about the other two because my son and his wife are such good parents and are financially well off.
As I read your post, it was the first time it really even occurred to me that my son and his wife might feel I don't do as much for their kids due to me loving them less. I think I'll call and talk to him about this tonight just to make sure. I always thought they would just understand that the other grandchild needs so much more from me due to the circumstances.
Truth is, as a grandmother, I probably give four times the money, time, effort and attention to the son of my daughter than I do my other two grandchildren from my older son. My daughter is a single young mom and I feel her 2 year old needs all the attention and finances I can spare. I don't have to worry about the other two because my son and his wife are such good parents and are financially well off.
As I read your post, it was the first time it really even occurred to me that my son and his wife might feel I don't do as much for their kids due to me loving them less. I think I'll call and talk to him about this tonight just to make sure. I always thought they would just understand that the other grandchild needs so much more from me due to the circumstances.
Thanks for your post. Really!
My mom did something similar with my 2 sons. With my firstborn,, I was young and single. She was VERY involved (almost too much! LOL!)....and then I married when he was 4. With my second born, she figured since I was married I didn't "need" her and they do not have he same kind of relationship. I did make he see, though, that while I might not have needed her help in the same way, my youngest boy needed GRANDMA just as much as my first born did, and they have gotten closer as a result. She was forgetting that having 2 parents and some stability doesn't mean a kid doesn't benefit greatly from a good relationship with a Grandparent.
Hello. I am new to this forum and I'm hoping all of you will have some good insight into my situation. The background is a little long so hang in there with me and I'll try to keep it short.
I was a single mother with a 5 year old son. I recently married for the first time a man that I have known for over 20 years. We went to high school together and have been friends for all of these years. He has a wonderful family with two brothers. Both brothers have young children. My husband and I started dating when my son was 2 years old. My son calls him "Daddy".
My husband's youngest brother was the first to have a grandchild in their family. Since the grandchild's birth, the grandparents have been extensively involved in raising the grandchild. The parents cannot afford child care and use the grandparents as sitters. In addition, they use the grandparents whenever they want to go out, be in a play or generally just don't feel like being parents. The grandparents are always there and have probably spent more time with the grandchild than her parents. We'll call this grandchild #1, she is 7 years old.
Enter the next grandchild...grandchild #2 (daughter of the middle son). This grandchild has a limited involvement with the grandparents. She spends one day a week or so with the grandparents but isn't overly involved with spending time with them. She is 3 years old.
Now comes baby brother of grandchild #1. Again, just like grandchild #1, the parents are using the grandparents to raise their son. He is usually there 6-7 days a week. Note: the parents both work but not on weekends and one parent gets off work at 3:30 M-F. The grandchildren aren't, however, picked up until the evening each day. This child is now 2 years old.
We all live in the same town.
For the past 3 years my now husband and I have had discussions as to how to have our son be more involved with his grandparents. My frustration comes each time with the fact that it is very clear that they just don't have time for him. They say they want to get to know their "4th grandchild" but yet never seem to make any real effort. The grandmother offered to pick our son up one day a week after school on her day off so she could spend some time with just him. Mysteriously though, each of those days Grandchild #1 and #3 are always there too. There is never any one-on-one time with our son.
The situation and my frustration are escalating and I am at my boiling point and don't know what to do. Here's a summary of the latest:
- Grandma bought season passes to our local amusement park for Grandchild #1 and a friend. She never offered for our son.
-Grandma took Grandchild #1, Grandchild #2 and a friend to the park but never offered to take our son (who now has his own season's pass thanks to my parents).
-Grandma took Grandchild #1, Grandchild #2 and a friend to a relative's farm to see the animals. She told me she was sorry she couldn't take our son but there just wasn't room in the car. Clearly there was room for the "friend" but not our son.
-Grandma took Grandchild #1 to the beach. No offer for anything for our son.
The list goes on and on of the times where our son is left out of what the other grandchildren are doing with their grandparents. It is very frustrating for me and is going to lead to him getting hurt down the road when he is old enough to realize that he is being left out.
I understand that the youngest brother cannot afford child care during the day. I realize using the grandparents as sitters while they are at work is a necessity. Where my problems come in is in the hours and weekends that they are not working. They continue to monopolize the grandparents, the grandparents continue to let them do it and subsequently there is no time left for the other grandchildren. This frustration is also felt by the parents of grandchild #2 but to a lesser extent.
What do I do at this point? I am so frustrated and angry at my son being left out that I don't know what to do. I realize that my son is not a "blood" grandchild but to me that shouldn't matter. My husband and I are trying to have another baby and I'm certain that adding another grandchild to the family is only going to cause more frustration.
I've talked to my husband about this and he agrees that it seem our son is being left out. He had one conversation with his parents about a year ago and things were supposedly going to change but never have.
What do we do?
They are not his bio grandparents. They have no obligation to him. I'm sorry but this is the fact. Your husbands' relationship with your son is very nice but it does not obligate HIS parents to accept him as their natural-born grandchild. You are unreasonable to ask or expect otherwise.
If you son's "real" grandparents do not participate in his life, then you have no alternative but to do the best you can with what you have. But ultimately, pushing this on your husband's parents isn't going to cause anything but big problems.
20yrsinBranson
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Everyone is spot on...
