One grandchild being left out...what to do? (parents, gifts, kids) - Grandparents - - City-Data Forum

Baileykeg · 06-30-2009, 08:38 AM

Hello. I am new to this forum and I'm hoping all of you will have some good insight into my situation. The background is a little long so hang in there with me and I'll try to keep it short.

I was a single mother with a 5 year old son. I recently married for the first time a man that I have known for over 20 years. We went to high school together and have been friends for all of these years. He has a wonderful family with two brothers. Both brothers have young children. My husband and I started dating when my son was 2 years old. My son calls him "Daddy".

My husband's youngest brother was the first to have a grandchild in their family. Since the grandchild's birth, the grandparents have been extensively involved in raising the grandchild. The parents cannot afford child care and use the grandparents as sitters. In addition, they use the grandparents whenever they want to go out, be in a play or generally just don't feel like being parents. The grandparents are always there and have probably spent more time with the grandchild than her parents. We'll call this grandchild #1, she is 7 years old.

Enter the next grandchild...grandchild #2 (daughter of the middle son). This grandchild has a limited involvement with the grandparents. She spends one day a week or so with the grandparents but isn't overly involved with spending time with them. She is 3 years old.

Now comes baby brother of grandchild #1. Again, just like grandchild #1, the parents are using the grandparents to raise their son. He is usually there 6-7 days a week. Note: the parents both work but not on weekends and one parent gets off work at 3:30 M-F. The grandchildren aren't, however, picked up until the evening each day. This child is now 2 years old.

We all live in the same town.

For the past 3 years my now husband and I have had discussions as to how to have our son be more involved with his grandparents. My frustration comes each time with the fact that it is very clear that they just don't have time for him. They say they want to get to know their "4th grandchild" but yet never seem to make any real effort. The grandmother offered to pick our son up one day a week after school on her day off so she could spend some time with just him. Mysteriously though, each of those days Grandchild #1 and #3 are always there too. There is never any one-on-one time with our son.

The situation and my frustration are escalating and I am at my boiling point and don't know what to do. Here's a summary of the latest:

- Grandma bought season passes to our local amusement park for Grandchild #1 and a friend. She never offered for our son.

-Grandma took Grandchild #1, Grandchild #2 and a friend to the park but never offered to take our son (who now has his own season's pass thanks to my parents).

-Grandma took Grandchild #1, Grandchild #2 and a friend to a relative's farm to see the animals. She told me she was sorry she couldn't take our son but there just wasn't room in the car. Clearly there was room for the "friend" but not our son.

-Grandma took Grandchild #1 to the beach. No offer for anything for our son.

The list goes on and on of the times where our son is left out of what the other grandchildren are doing with their grandparents. It is very frustrating for me and is going to lead to him getting hurt down the road when he is old enough to realize that he is being left out.

I understand that the youngest brother cannot afford child care during the day. I realize using the grandparents as sitters while they are at work is a necessity. Where my problems come in is in the hours and weekends that they are not working. They continue to monopolize the grandparents, the grandparents continue to let them do it and subsequently there is no time left for the other grandchildren. This frustration is also felt by the parents of grandchild #2 but to a lesser extent.

What do I do at this point? I am so frustrated and angry at my son being left out that I don't know what to do. I realize that my son is not a "blood" grandchild but to me that shouldn't matter. My husband and I are trying to have another baby and I'm certain that adding another grandchild to the family is only going to cause more frustration.

I've talked to my husband about this and he agrees that it seem our son is being left out. He had one conversation with his parents about a year ago and things were supposedly going to change but never have.

What do we do?

Craig121 · 06-30-2009, 08:40 AM

Put it up for adoption, or better yet, sell it to the crime syndicates.

Baileykeg · 06-30-2009, 08:50 AM

Is it really necessary to be such an ******* Craig? I came here for serious input, not some dumb ass smart remarks.

Craig121 · 06-30-2009, 08:51 AM

Input starts within the family, not with people who live halfway across the world.

Baileykeg · 06-30-2009, 10:06 AM

You clearly missed the part where I stated that we HAVE had a conversation with the family.

Beth56 · 06-30-2009, 10:11 AM

I agree, it is not fair. But I seriously doubt you will be able to change them. The dynamics have been in motion now for some time.

I think if it were me, I wouldn't expect a thing. I would not ask, nor would I protest. I would probably just go about my life without them. And when that second child is born and they want to see him, our lives just might be busy and we may not have time to share. Not that I would want to keep a grandchild from them, but if both children were not wanted and provided love, neither would go.

Your husband's parents know they are not giving time to your son. That speaks volume's. I would not mention it again. And I wouldn't want to hear about the other visits with the grandchildren. My response would be "that's nice, gotta go now".

Sorry, I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear. But what can you do. You can not make someone care. Personally, I can't believe your in-laws are not accepting of your child. Kids don't understand.

I think there is always room for one more to love.

This is not the first time I have heard of these circumstances. You are not alone. Blended families can have their problems.

okpondlady · 06-30-2009, 12:09 PM

I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I married a man who had no children but his 3 brothers all have children ranging in age from 25-17. They were all boys except the one girl who never acted like a girl meaning Grandma couldn't dress her up and play dolly with her. My youngest one they all acted good with..but my older one it just got worse and worse as the years wore on. I have finally had it out with my Sister In Law 3X for yelling at my daughter (of course she always does it when my husband isn't looking or present) to the point that I refuse to attend their little Sunday dinners anymore. After the oldest went to live with her dad in April we started going back and now they are picking on the younger one. I told him if he expects us to be there then he is going to explain to SIL it isn't going to happen.
I think it is always hard when grandparents don't fully accept our children either because the children aren't "theirs" or they just don't want to. Good Luck.
PS. Ignore Craig121...he is an A$$

crazyme4878 · 06-30-2009, 06:54 PM

I think you are just going to have to try very, very hard to not compare. My parents have spent a lot of time "raising" my niece (but nowhere near the amount your PILs have), and they have a closer connection with her and do all sorts of things...and yes, I get jealous. However, I try to keep in under wraps. A main part of it is that they are trying to fill in for an absent father. My children have a wonderful father (and myself a wonderful husband), so although the love is the same, they feel more compelled to do things for my neice because they know they don't have to try filling in any gaps for my children.

It could be that some of this is going on in your situation. Perhaps his parents realize that grandchild #1 and #3 have crappy parents and are trying to fill the void. They definitely will have a stronger bond with them and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

Try to refocus your attention on giving #1 and #3 pity for having absent parents and a feeling of goodwill towards your PILs for filling that gap, because who knows what these kids would be like without them. Then make sure your children have a strong connection to your parents.

phonelady61 · 06-30-2009, 07:26 PM

I think it is now time for a family pow wow is what it was called in my family . Everybody gets together and airs their frustrations and I think it is high time for you to call one on the grandparents and no holds barred and let them know exactly what you think and you want to know why when it comes to your child they are acting like they are ? I hope this can resolve your issues and your husband should be stepping up to the plate as well and back you one hundred percent . good luck .

sskkc · 07-01-2009, 05:44 AM

My husband's aunt once told me that the reason that my children get better gifts (and most of them are "frivilous") than her grandchildren is because she gets to buy them whatever strikes her fancy, instead of having to provide necessities for them. She's kinder and gentler with my kids than her own grandkids because she never has to discipline mine.

But we see her WAY less often... always the calls, promises for invitations. I know she's not my kid's grandma, but I wonder if that's what's going on with your kid's grandparents... they are so worn out HAVING to DO for the others, that they have no energy for yours. Maybe they believe YOU will provide amusement park tickets for your kids, so they don't HAVE to. My dad & stepmom feel this way about our kids too, vs their other grandkids. It can be hurtful to your own child to have to see it all the time (one of the reasons we moved away), but it's actually a compliment!