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Well this DIL I'm about ready to strangle..I don't know if she is dumb or dumb like a fox....fast foward to this weekend ..we went over for dinner...earlier in the week we had received an invitation for the grand sons first birthday, when I saw son earlier in the week I told him his dad would be there but I would be out of state.
I live on East coast and will be in Colorado that weekend as my brother has terminal cancer, he asked me to come & we worked the visit around his chemo, had booked my air two weeks before we ever knew what she had planned.
During dinner she looks at me and says..I hear you are not coming to Tylers birthday as you will be at your brothers..I replied yes that is correct..sorry to miss the birthday.
She stares me directly in the eye and with a huge attitude says to me..It is his FIRST birthday and we expect everyone to be here
Ok..I snapped and ripped her a new one...on the way home hubbie says..I can't believe what came out of her mouth but you handled it well..you didn't reach across the table to choke her...lol
It is what it is..I have two lovely DIL's...odds are out of 3 one is going to be a witch...fortunate to have the two nice ones
Kate, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Under these circumstances, I would have delayed my son's first birthday until your return. The child would not realize a few days difference and I'm sure he would like his grandma there to celebrate also. If your DIL truly wanted everyone in attendance, she would have done this. I can't believe what she said to you. She lacks compassion. And no, I don't think she's dumb.
What does your son say about all of this? Has he no voice?
she also draws up the "blood" boundries between who is blood and who is step. Mind you all 5 were raised together. I had 3 and my husband had 2 which he had sole custody of when we met.
This is the first time within the family that there is this ever so slight but present distinction.
If she did this in front of me, I would be very swift in my response. http://bestsmileys.com/hitting/2.gif (broken link)
I have 3 sons. 1 is my bio son, the other 2 are my step sons. They also grew up together. In our home, they are "our" sons. We do not divide.
Kate, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Under these circumstances, I would have delayed my son's first birthday until your return. The child would not realize a few days difference and I'm sure he would like his grandma there to celebrate also. If your DIL truly wanted everyone in attendance, she would have done this. I can't believe what she said to you. She lacks compassion. And no, I don't think she's dumb.
What does your son say about all of this? Has he no voice?
All of his brothers say...urgh I hate to say this..." He is whipped
If she did this in front of me, I would be very swift in my response.
I have 3 sons. 1 is my bio son, the other 2 are my step sons. They also grew up together. In our home, they are "our" sons. We do not divide.
Hubbie & I have discussed this and we are just going to limit the amount of time we spend and hold are tongues during this time.
Sooner or later son will wise up and see the light, smell the coffee etc etc
Kate, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Under these circumstances, I would have delayed my son's first birthday until your return. The child would not realize a few days difference and I'm sure he would like his grandma there to celebrate also. If your DIL truly wanted everyone in attendance, she would have done this. I can't believe what she said to you. She lacks compassion. And no, I don't think she's dumb.
What does your son say about all of this? Has he no voice?
He waited until I was finished with my tirade and just said we are sorry you are going through this..it's not the first insensitive thing that has come out of her mouth..
my other DIL has gone the fertility route with no success, she sent out a family email titled part 2 of her & her husbands journey to tell us all they had taken the first few steps for adoption and we were all happy..the one DIL with the gilded tongue emailed ..I can't remember the exact verbiage but to the effect that she was sorry they had to go the adoption route and not have a child of their own..an adopted child is a child of their own...it's just the way she words things..
But anyways thank you...yup it's been a rough year for my brother and it's where I need to be when he wants me there.
Well this DIL I'm about ready to strangle..I don't know if she is dumb or dumb like a fox....fast foward to this weekend ..we went over for dinner...earlier in the week we had received an invitation for the grand sons first birthday, when I saw son earlier in the week I told him his dad would be there but I would be out of state.
I live on East coast and will be in Colorado that weekend as my brother has terminal cancer, he asked me to come & we worked the visit around his chemo, had booked my air two weeks before we ever knew what she had planned.
During dinner she looks at me and says..I hear you are not coming to Tylers birthday as you will be at your brothers..I replied yes that is correct..sorry to miss the birthday.
She stares me directly in the eye and with a huge attitude says to me..It is his FIRST birthday and we expect everyone to be here
Ok..I snapped and ripped her a new one...on the way home hubbie says..I can't believe what came out of her mouth but you handled it well..you didn't reach across the table to choke her...lol
It is what it is..I have two lovely DIL's...odds are out of 3 one is going to be a witch...fortunate to have the two nice ones
Ok, this DIL is your step-DIL; and this child that you watched all weekend, was your step-grandchild?
I'd imagine they are in NJ. Sorry you're going through this; I have an "adopted grandson" - he belongs to my son's 2 best friends. He's going to be 3 this year; calls me mom mom calls my hubby pop pop. Not once do they say Aiden, go hug Sue or go hug Charlie. Even though we share no blood; C&R know we love their son like he was our own.
Your step-DIL reminds me of my step-DIL. The one time she came to our house; I was called by my name, hubby was called grandpa. Wonder if these 2 girls are related?
As far as the thank you, if she normally does not say thanks, you need to decide if you'll babysit for her.
As far as the birthday party, what a low life. Honestly, people have no clue about cancer & treatments. Your brother is terminal does she NOT know what it means? I can understand that she probably figured everyone would reserve the date for his party until she actually told everyone a date - you know - well depending on the day his falls on, you should reserve the weekend before and after just in case she has a party.
Your hubby is going to be at the party, I'm sure he's bringing a nice gift; she needs to get over it. Watch, she's going to make you pay for not being there for a year until his next birthday.
Hang in there Kate. I left you some links in the post about your brother. I don't know if it will help, but it won't hurt to look at them. The therapy Brett Hudson did after chemo helped the chemo work better in the body so that it would stop more cancer cells from growing. If your brother still has the tumor, I left you links to cyberknife - which is a good way to cut them out in that area.
I explained 2 things - that reminding someone to show some gratitude is pretty meaningless and that I always made sure I did something outward in addition to thanking my parents for helping me w/ my son.
That is "fanning the flames on conflict?"
I didn't say what I would do if I were the OP. But since you think my very non-confrontational statements were "fanning the flames of conflict," let me tell you that if I were OP, it would be a very long time (if ever) that I gave up my weekend again for folks who don't show some gratitude for my re-arranging my life for them.
You feel it is alright to resent how you are treated and then continue to agree to situations that will make you feel unappreciated?
And I stand by what I said earlier. If you have to point out to others that you feel you should be thanked . . . then any thanks you would get at that point would seem pretty meaningless.
All right, I was a little irate the day I posted this. But I just hate (in real life - not here) when people concoct family psychodramas out of thin air. Having read more, I don't think this is the case here.
But there are so many opportunities for misunderstandings between good-intentioned people who just have diffent habits/traditions than other realtives (whether they are proper or not). I just hate to see any family member manufacture ill will, by sort of assuming the worst case scenario.
All right, I was a little irate the day I posted this. But I just hate (in real life - not here) when people concoct family psychodramas out of thin air. Having read more, I don't think this is the case here.
But there are so many opportunities for misunderstandings between good-intentioned people who just have diffent habits/traditions than other realtives (whether they are proper or not). I just hate to see any family member manufacture ill will, by sort of assuming the worst case scenario.
CDC: totally understand and I appreciate your reply.
I hate drama too, wh/ is why i tend to let my displeasure be known by simply not participating in situations where I have been made to feel taken advantage of in the past. Rather than creating drama by confronting or berating or even gently suggesting something to my son, I would just chalk it up to a learning experience (on my part) and avoid such situations in the future. I have found that "suggesting" to son will most likely be viewed as "manipulative" and drama CREATION when it comes to one particular DIL, who is constantly looking for any excuse to cause an uproar. Best I just keep my mouth shut - and excuse myself from getting entangled in situations that are sure to leave me feeling used and unappreciated.
I agree - family members can manufacture ill will but from what I was reading on this thread, it didn't seem that was what was going on in this situation as far as the g/mother feeling taken advantage of.
Watched my 11 month old grandson over the weekend so son & dil could get away, babysat at their home so grand son would be more comfortable in his surroundings. Mind you I work full time so weekends are spent doing the usual stuff like laundry, grocery shopping etc. they aren't laze about two days...
Got a call around 5 pm Sunday night that they were stuck in traffic and DIL's sister would be coming to relieve me...very thankful for that but here it is Tuesday and I would think a phone call or email to say Thanks would be forthcoming....guess I'm expecting to much
I think it was very sweet of you to watch your 11 month old grandson for an entire weekend. You went above and beyond for these parents and you do, at the very least, deserve a thank you for it.
It was good that your DIL sent her sister over to relieve you when she realized that they were running late - that was considerate on her part.
It is very odd to me that neither parent called you to find out how their son had done while in your care - Did he miss them? Did he eat o.k.? Did he sleep o.k.? etc... I don't know of a single parent who wouldn't ask these things about their own child (no matter who the babysitter was). Weren't they even curious about how his weekend without them went?
Is it possible that your DIL somehow got the impression that you crossed some boundaries or undermined their parenting while you were in their home (snooping through their stuff or feeding the baby candy or some other type of forbidden food - like McDonald's). I'm not saying you did anything of the sort, but you may want to ask your son if there has been some type of misunderstanding.
At any rate, I hope things work out well for all of you. You sound like a sweet Grandma .
This may be unpopular but: I would never not say thank you - in fact I am always profusely grateful - perhaps it even comes across as being rote. That being said - is it really about the thank you? I know my parents would love to have a weekend alone with my children (we live cross country) and its not a favor to us - but an understanding that their childhood is short and that memories are invaluable. So, whether I said thank you or not would never be an issue - they would be thrilled that they got the time. (Not to imply OP was not- but look at it from another viewpoint and the slight may not even matter).
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