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The father in law approaching the young pregnant girl without her husband there isn't pushing around? He had no business doing that.
In my book, it's selfish of the mother to expect people to tiptoe around her 40 years after the fact. You might see the young woman stomping her feet, etc., but I see the older mother stomping HER feet, etc., because SHE isn't getting what she wants.
A young couple is having a baby. They are doing what every young couple does by toiling over what they will name their baby. Why make it about the mother in law? She should not even be a factor in that process.
When you named your children, did you go through your and your husband's familys and solicit all the feel bad names in their lives as to be sure not to name your children any of them? No, I'm quite certain you didn't.
Naming a baby is one of the things that makes that baby real for both parents while the mother is still pregnant. It's sitting up at night with a pad and pen. It's thinking during the day while at work, and jotting ideas down to show the spouse later. It's a big part of having a baby.
IMO, that mother in law is pretty darn selfish making that entire process about her and an event that is 40 years old. It doesn't matter how many names there are in the world. All that matters is that it's up to the young parents to find the ones THEY like and want to give to their newborn.
I'm so glad you posted this because you are dead wrong about me...I care more about my family's feelings than the DIL.
Let's get back to the basics and quit re-writing this shall we?
The baby's name was chosen by the parents...it was put out in the open that this particular middle name had no emotional attachment to it...it just sounded good.
So when the MIL heard the name, she then revealed that this particular name brought back terrible memories for her.
At that moment in time...because of the feelings of my MIL....I would have changed the name. My relationship with her would be much more important than a middle name that had no emotional meaning to me at all.
When said DIL dug in her heels for no reason really because of the no emotional meaning ...her FIL saw how much it upset his wife. He then went to plead his wife's case. Trying to get the DIL to understand just how much this name upset his wife. My relationship with her would be much more important than a middle name that had no emotional meaning to me at all. That's not pushing anyone around..that's trying to help his wife...you weren't there...you don't know what was said or how it was said.
When we picked out names, we put is out there for all to hear. Some names had special meanings to us, the others just seem to fit. If at that time anyone would have told me the same thing the OP did...that name would have been changed because my relationship with her would be much more important than a middle name that had no emotional meaning to me at all.
But that's just me....my family's feelings are more important to me than a name.
When said DIL dug in her heels for no reason really because of the no emotional meaning...her FIL saw how much it upset his wife. He then went to plead his wife's case. Trying to get the DIL to understand just how much this name upset his wife. My relationship with her would be much more important than a middle name that had no emotional meaningto me at all. That's not pushing anyone around..that's trying to help his wife...you weren't there...you don't know what was said or how it was said.
Neither were you.
Parents have the priviledge of naming their children. They have the right to name them anything they please. This young couple chose a name for their baby and that should have been the end of it. The mother could have kept her mouth shut and never say anything about it to keep hard feelings from arising in THIS GENERATION.
Of course the parents have the right to name the child. And of course they will do so. But this child will be part of a family that includes a grandmother. I think the word "honor" should be thought about. I find it quite sad that the young couple has chosen -- at this time anyway -- to ignore the mother who lovingly raised the baby's father and will love this new member of the family with all her heart. Why have a shadow over that love when it is such an easy choice to find another middle name? The honor and respect for one's own mother should make this baby's father want to chose another name. IMO he is demonstrating a lack of honor and a lack of respect and quite frankly I hope someday this new baby treats his parents the same way.
Of course the parents have the right to name the child. And of course they will do so. But this child will be part of a family that includes a grandmother. I think the word "honor" should be thought about. I find it quite sad that the young couple has chosen -- at this time anyway -- to ignore the mother who lovingly raised the baby's father and will love this new member of the family with all her heart. Why have a shadow over that love when it is such an easy choice to find another middle name? The honor and respect for one's own mother should make this baby's father want to chose another name. IMO he is demonstrating a lack of honor and a lack of respect and quite frankly I hope someday this new baby treats his parents the same way.
And certainly one could argue that the grandmother showed the same lack of respect and honor by even making the request in the first place.
Of course the parents have the right to name the child. And of course they will do so. But this child will be part of a family that includes a grandmother. I think the word "honor" should be thought about. I find it quite sad that the young couple has chosen -- at this time anyway -- to ignore the mother who lovingly raised the baby's father and will love this new member of the family with all her heart. Why have a shadow over that love when it is such an easy choice to find another middle name? The honor and respect for one's own mother should make this baby's father want to chose another name. IMO he is demonstrating a lack of honor and a lack of respect and quite frankly I hope someday this new baby treats his parents the same way.
At this time? It was 40 years ago. They don't need permission to use the name they chose for their child. Why would that mother hold on so tightly to something that happened 40 years ago and cause a division in her family? Why would a mother bring her unfortunate past into the future and allow it to affect her grandchild? What a small woman she must be.
I think this could be an opportunity for the OP to come to terms with allowing her abuser to still have so much power over her after all these years that a mere name is causing her so much distress. Accepting the choice of name that will now be attached to a person who brings you joy could diminish that power.
Op needs to seek counseling if she reacts as stated to anyone that has that name. Its just a name as is Hitler or adolph.
No argument about counseling helping but this grandmother will hear, "Mom, can you take little Hitler and baby sit for us while we celebrate our anniversary?" or "Gee, it's little Adolph's birthday, get him something special."
In comparison, not many modern Jews are named Adolph or Hitler, but it's no big deal.
No argument about counseling helping but this grandmother will hear, "Mom, can you take little Hitler and baby sit for us while we celebrate our anniversary?" or "Gee, it's little Adolph's birthday, get him something special."
In comparison, not many modern Jews are named Adolph or Hitler, but it's no big deal.
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